ANNOUNCER:

It's new, it's amazing, it's Prell -- P-R-E-L-L -- Prell Shampoo. Yes, Procter and Gamble's new Radiant-Creme Shampoo in the handy tube.

MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Prell brings you THE LIFE OF RILEY.

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Prell -- the shampoo that removes unsightly dandruff, leaves hair radiantly lovely -- presents THE LIFE OF RILEY, with William Bendix as Riley.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Well, romantic St. Valentine's Day has come and gone and Chester A. Riley almost went with it. The combination head- and heartache that befell our favorite blunder-buster ace started right before St. Valentine's Day. Riley was sitting in his Morris chair, newspaper in hand, when his thirteen-year-old son, Junior, entered the room.

JUNIOR:

Pop? (NO ANSWER) Pop, wake up.

RILEY:

(WAKES, SPUTTERS) Huh? Oh, hello son. I was just readin'.

JUNIOR:

Uh, Pop? Can I ask you something?

RILEY:

Well, sure thing, Junior.

JUNIOR:

You won't laugh at me, will ya?

RILEY:

Now, Junior, what do you take me for? You can tell your Dad anything. He'll understand.

JUNIOR:

Well, you see, I got a girl.

RILEY:

(TITTERS A LITTLE, THEN BUSTS OUT LAUGHING) ... You got a girl! (LAUGHS AGAIN, THEN IN MOCKING SINGSONG) Junior's got a girl, Junior's got a girl! (LAUGHS) ...

JUNIOR:

Aw, now, you said you wouldn't laugh.

RILEY:

(CALMS DOWN, BUT STILL AMUSED) Um, yeah. Well, I'm sorry, Junior. Go ahead, what's on your mind?

JUNIOR:

Well, soon it'll be Valentine's Day, and I was wondering if I should send her a card.

RILEY:

Of course you gotta send her a card. Why, Valentine's Day is a day that's set aside for lovers.

JUNIOR:

(DISMISSIVE) Aw, love. It's a pain in the neck, if you ask me. ...

RILEY:

Now, Junior, Junior, you got the wrong attitude. You're growin' up, you're getting beyond the "birds and bees" stage. ... You're now in the "live girl" stage. ... I'd better wise you up. You see, son, love is--

JUNIOR:

All I want to know is if I should send a Valentine card.

RILEY:

I told ya, send her the best card that money can buy.

JUNIOR:

Well, I got fifty cents. That oughta buy a nice card.

RILEY:

Fifty cents. Is that all she means to you? Why, she'll say, "That Junior, what a cheapskate."

JUNIOR:

Well, I saw a real beautiful card with lace and everything; it cost about three dollars.

RILEY:

Now you're talkin'.

JUNIOR:

You're right, Pop! That's the one I'll send her! Will you lend me two and a half dollars? ...

RILEY:

Junior! Where's your pride? Are you gonna spend all that money on a dame who called you a cheapskate? ...

JUNIOR:

But you said if you like a girl, you shouldn't send her a cheap card.

RILEY:

Look, Junior. I'm in love with your mother, ain't I?

JUNIOR:

Yes.

RILEY:

I think she's the most wonderful woman in the world, don't I?

JUNIOR:

Oh, yeah.

RILEY:

She lives only for me. Day in and day out, she slaves just to make me happy. And how do I show my appreciation? Look at the Valentine card I'm gonna send her. Look. (PROUDLY) Ain't that the cheapest thing you ever saw?!

JUNIOR:

I'll say it's cheap. That's a ten-cent card.

RILEY:

Five cents, including the three-cent stamp. ... But your mother won't mind, 'cause she's got me. And that's enough for any woman! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

RILEY:

Hi there, Gillis.

GILLIS:

Oh, hi, Riley. Be with ya in a minute -- I just wanta finish reading this here letter.

RILEY:

Oh. Who's it from?

GILLIS:

Riley, it ain't polite to pry when other people is readin' mail. But since you insist on knowin', it's from the gas company, and it says, "Unless you pay the enclosed bill immediately, we shall be obliged to suspend service."

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) Well, you'd better pay up, Gillis.

GILLIS:

You better pay up; it's your letter. ...

RILEY:

(UNHAPPY) Gillis, you been openin' my mail again.

GILLIS:

Stop complainin'. Businessmen hire secretaries to open their mail; I do it free. ...

RILEY:

You've got no right to--

GILLIS:

Don't get excited. The postman left a batch of your mail at my house by mistake. I thought it was for me.

RILEY:

That little package there -- is that mine, too?

GILLIS:

Yeah, only it's for your missus.

RILEY:

Peg? Who's it from?

GILLIS:

Says on the outside, eh, (READS) "From Sidney Monahan."

RILEY:

Monahan. What's he sendin' Peg packages for?

GILLIS:

He's an old boyfriend of hers, ain't he?

RILEY:

Aw, that was all over long ago. Besides, when it came to a showdown, she married me instead of him.

GILLIS:

Yeah, but she's a lot smarter now. ... He stays at your house every time he's in town, don't he?

RILEY:

That's just because he's a chiseler. He never meant anything to Peg.

GILLIS:

Ah, but he's very attractive to women. He's got looks, brains, money; he's a spender. What have you got to offer a woman?

RILEY:

(MIGHTILY) I got, uh-- I got, uh-- ... Well, I got-- (GIVES UP, WEAKLY) Gillis, you gotta stop spyin' on me. ...

GILLIS:

Riley, I'm trying to help ya. This here package he sent her--

RILEY:

What do I care? He can send her anything he wants! It means absolutely nothing to me! (BEAT, LOW) Shake it a little. Maybe we can tell what's in it. ...

GILLIS:

Better make sure. Open it.

RILEY:

No. No, I trust my wife.

GILLIS:

Well, I trust my wife, too. But if I was you, I'd take this package and-- (SOUND: STRING CUT WITH KNIFE) (COYLY) Oh! Look what happened! The string broke -- by accident! ...

RILEY:

Put that pen knife away, Gillis. I told ya not to open it. Hand it over.

GILLIS:

Take it easy now. (SOUND: PAPER RUSTLES) Now look what ya done. You tore the wrappin' off. I'll put it back.

RILEY:

Hand it over.

GILLIS:

Oh! Now you pulled the cover off of the box. Something fell out.

RILEY:

Well, I ain't lookin'. Whatever it is, pick it up and put it back in the box. I got my eyes shut. I can't even see that locket. ... Locket! He's sending her a locket!

GILLIS:

In the shape of a heart. Gen-yoo-wine gold.

RILEY:

There's a note. But don't dare read it.

GILLIS:

It says, uh, (READS) "To my first and only Valentine."

RILEY:

That's no use; I got my eyes shut.

GILLIS:

(READS) "In grateful appreciation of your past hospitality, and hopin' to see you real soon. Sidney."

RILEY:

What a nerve, sendin' Peg this locket.

GILLIS:

Yeah.

RILEY:

Tryin' to show me up, that's what. Tryin' to make Peg think I'm a cheapskate.

GILLIS:

Riley, you're in trouble. There's only one thing to do. Here's my pen.

RILEY:

What for?

GILLIS:

Sign your name to Monahan's note.

RILEY:

No.

GILLIS:

And then sign Monahan's name to your crummy card.

RILEY:

No! ...

GILLIS:

Sure. You give Peg the locket!

RILEY:

It ain't right.

GILLIS:

She'll think Monahan gave her that card!

RILEY:

No, it ain't fair.

GILLIS:

All's fair in love and war, and marriage is war. ... Here, here's my pen.

RILEY:

I won't sign it.

GILLIS:

You gotta. You're doin' it for your family!

RILEY:

No.

GILLIS:

For your home!

RILEY:

No.

GILLIS:

For your kids!

RILEY:

No.

GILLIS:

For your future!

RILEY:

No.

GILLIS:

This thing is bigger than you are. You're doin' it to save the American way of life!

RILEY:

Give me that pen, and God Bless America!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... "GOD BLESS AMERICA"

RILEY:

(SWEETLY) Dumplin'--?

PEG:

Riley, I'm awful busy right now.

RILEY:

Do you know what day this is?

PEG:

Oh, I haven't got time for riddles. I told you I'm busy.

RILEY:

But this is a very, very special day.

PEG:

(UP) Darlin'! It's pay day! ...

RILEY:

No.

PEG:

(DOWN) Riley, I'm busy.

RILEY:

Dumplin', it's Valentine's Day.

PEG:

(UNINTERESTED) Hooray.

RILEY:

Now, Dumplin', that's no attitude. This is one day when ya gotta have a heart full of love.

PEG:

This is Monday, and I got a tub full of your underwear. ...

RILEY:

Close your eyes, Dumplin'.

PEG:

Now, look, Riley, let's cut out the ceremony. Just hand me the card.

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) No, no, this year is different. I got somethin' better than a card. Here.

PEG:

(SURPRISED) Why, Riley, what is it?

RILEY:

Open it up.

SOUND:

PAPER RUSTLING

PEG:

Oh-- Why, Riley-- You darling! A locket. You got me a locket.

RILEY:

Gold.

PEG:

Oh, it's beautiful, just beautiful. Oh, darlin', how can I ever thank ya?

RILEY:

Oh, don't thank me, thank the mailman. I mean, ah-- ... Don't mention it. Oh, by the way, this here card came for you in the mail. I opened it by mistake.

PEG:

Why, it's from Sidney Monahan.

RILEY:

Is that a fact?

PEG:

A Valentine card.

RILEY:

Mm hmmm.

PEG:

Well, after all the times he's stayed at our house, you'd think he might manage more than a ten-cent card.

RILEY:

Five cents. ...

PEG:

Wouldn't be surprised if that's all it did cost him.

RILEY:

Two cents, if you leave out the stamp. ... Well, once a cheapskate, always a cheapskate. Now, ain't you glad you married me, huh?

PEG:

And why shouldn't I be? I got the sweetest, the most generous husband in the world.

RILEY:

(SERIOUS) Darlin', I never told you this before, but when I married you that was the best thing that coulda happened - to you. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GILLIS:

And it worked, huh?

RILEY:

Yeah, sure, it worked all right. Peg didn't suspect a thing, only--

GILLIS:

Only what?

RILEY:

Well, I'm sorry I did it.

GILLIS:

What? You nuts? You got Peg eatin' off your hand. What more do ya want?

RILEY:

But I'm a hypocrite. And a liar. And a cheat.

GILLIS:

So, you'll never be an Eagle Scout, so what? ... Relax, be happy.

RILEY:

I can't, it's my conscience. I always gotta play fair. And givin' Peg that locket wasn't fair to Monahan.

GILLIS:

Fair? When are you gonna wise up, Riley? In this world, it's dog eat dog.

RILEY:

Yeah, but--

GILLIS:

You gotta make up your mind what you're gonna be -- a Great Dane or a cocker spaniel. ...

RILEY:

Well, yeah, but--

GILLIS:

You can't go through life with your tail between your legs. You gotta size up your opponent, then you bare your fangs, sharpen your claws, and tear him to pieces. Right?

RILEY:

Woof! I mean-- ... Oh-- Right!

GILLIS:

Now you're talkin'.

RILEY:

Sure. What am I worrying about? As long as Peg is happy, that's the main thing. It sure is a beautiful locket. Look at it.

GILLIS:

Hey, what're you doin' with it?

RILEY:

Well, I'm gonna surprise Peg. I'm gonna engrave an inscription, "To Peg, with love - from Sidney." I mean, er, from Riley.

GILLIS:

That's cute.

RILEY:

Say, Gillis, ya know, this locket don't look as shiny as it did.

GILLIS:

Just needs a little polish.

RILEY:

Yeah, I'll breathe on it and-- (BREATHES SHARPLY TWICE ON LOCKET). There. Yeah, that's a lot-- Holy smoke, look, it turned green! ...

GILLIS:

Did you have garlic for supper? ...

RILEY:

No. No, it's just tin with gilt paint. It rubbed off. It's a phony!

GILLIS:

(LAUGHS HEARTILY) That's a hot one! Wait till your wife finds out you gave her a cheap hunk of fake jewelry. (LAUGHS)

RILEY:

Gillis, I'm in trouble. I should never have made believe that locket was from me. What'll I do?

GILLIS:

Simple. All you've gotta do is get another locket, just like this one -- only real gold -- before Peg finds out.

RILEY:

Yeah, but that'll set me back ten bucks, and I'm broke. Gillis, old pal, you got paid today. Lend me some money, huh?

GILLIS:

Lend you money? Are you crazy? ...

RILEY:

I'll pay you back Saturday.

GILLIS:

How do I know?

RILEY:

I give you my word.

GILLIS:

You just said you're a cheat and a liar. How can I take your word? ...

RILEY:

You can trust me. When I said I was a cheat, I was really lying. Honest. ...

GILLIS:

Okay, I believe you. Only I'm broke. My wife took all of my pay. She grabs it every week.

RILEY:

Oh, that's awful. Gillis, you gotta help me, I'm desperate. Go get some dough from your wife, will ya?

GILLIS:

I'll thank you not to give me no advice concerning how to handle my wife.

RILEY:

Oh, yeah? You're always tellin' me how to handle my wife!

GILLIS:

Well, of course. Your wife I can handle. My wife, I want nothin' to do with. ... (MOVING OFF) Good night!

RILEY:

Gillis, wait, come back! Wait-wait-wait--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

Prell will bring you the second act of THE LIFE OF RILEY in a moment. And now, it's Tallulah time!

MUSIC:

FOR COMMERCIAL JINGLE

TALLULAH:

(SINGS) I'm Tallulah, the tube of Prell,
And I've got a little something to tell.

Your hair can be radiant, oh, so easy;
All you gotta do is take me home - (SEDUCTIVE) - and squeeze me. ...

I'm Tallulah, the tube of Prell,
And I'll make your hair look swell.

It'll shine, it'll glow, so dandruff-free.
For radiant hair - (VERY SEDUCTIVE) - get a hold of me. ...

SOUND:

WOLF WHISTLE AND RIM SHOT PUNCTUATES THE ABOVE LINE

TALLULAH:

(SINGS) Tallulah,
The tube o'
Prell
Shampoo!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, folks, Tallulah's right. For hair that looks swell, just use Prell -- Procter and Gamble's Radiant-Creme shampoo -- because Prell leaves hair radiant the very first time you use it. Yes, more radiant than any soap shampoo. Soft, smooth, easy to manage. And Prell removes unsightly dandruff in as little as three minutes. Doctors' examinations proved it. Try it the very next time you shampoo. Try Prell.

MUSIC:

RILEY THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Before rejoining Riley's ruined romance, I'd like to tell our friends who've written us for details that the new "Life of Riley" motion picture will have its world premiere two weeks from tonight in Cincinnati, Ohio. Yes, on Friday, March fourth, a great big hilarious slice of the life of Riley will open at the RKO Grand Theatre in Cincinnati. And very soon all your favorite Riley characters will be on the screen in your community starring Riley himself, William Bendix, in a movie you won't want to miss.

MUSIC:

RILEY THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Now, Prell Shampoo brings you the second act of THE LIFE OF RILEY, starring William Bendix as Riley. And Riley's desperately in the need of ten dollars. He has tried to borrow everywhere, but to no avail. Now, finally, he has turned to crime.

MUSIC:

MELODRAMATIC STING ... THEN BEHIND RILEY--

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF, PARODY OF CRIME DRAMAS) The coast is clear. Oh, I never thought I'd sink as low as this -- a common criminal. I should never have stolen that locket, but it's too late now. One crime leads to another. Well, I'd better get to work. Wait a minute. First, make sure I got everything -- flashlight; sneakers; gloves, mustn't leave fingerprints. Oh, yes, a mask. Can't take no chances. Now, a chisel and a hammer--

SOUND:

HAMMER TAPS CHISEL ... NOISY BURGLAR ALARM GOES OFF

RILEY:

A burglar alarm! Trapped!

SOUND:

ALARM STOPS AS DOOR OPENS AND JUNIOR BURSTS IN AND JUMPS ON RILEY

JUNIOR:

Aw, no, ya don't! I got ya! Drop my piggy bank!

RILEY:

Junior! ... Junior, get off o' me!

JUNIOR:

(SHOCKED) Well--! Pop, it's you! I thought it was Babs. I had an alarm rigged up in case-- So, it's you, Pop.

RILEY:

No! No, you were right the first time; I'm Babs. You can't recognize me with this mask. ...

JUNIOR:

I know it's you, Pop.

RILEY:

Listen, Junior, I'm your father and when I say I'm your sister, you gotta believe me! ... (GIVES UP) Oh, it's no use. You outsmarted me. (ANNOYED) What's the idea of riggin' up that alarm?! You wanta wake up the whole neighborhood?!

JUNIOR:

Well, Babs is always broke, so I figured she might wanna--

RILEY:

You got a very suspicious nature. You should trust your sister.

JUNIOR:

I guess you're right. From now on, I'll trust her. ...

RILEY:

Junior. (BEAT, CONTRITE) Junior? (NO ANSWER) Say something. Don't stand there lookin' at me like that. I know how you feel, son. I know it's a terrible thing for a boy to go through life knowin' that his father would steal money so - so, to make you feel better-- Lend it to me, huh? ...

JUNIOR:

Well, gee, Pop, I can't. I need that dough.

RILEY:

Junior, I'm begging you.

JUNIOR:

Well-- Well, ask Mom.

RILEY:

No, no, she mustn't know.

JUNIOR:

But if I give it to you, she'll find out the bank is empty and she'll ask questions.

RILEY:

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I know! We'll make it look like a real robbery. I'll hit you on the head with this hammer and-- ... No, that's no good. (BLUBBERING EXTRAVAGANTLY) Junior, ya gotta lend me the dough. If you don't lend it to me, after all I done for you when you was a baby, I-- ...

JUNIOR:

Okay, Pop, okay. Gee whiz, don't start bawlin'. Take the money.

RILEY:

(CHEERFUL) Thanks, I already did!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PEG:

Riley, my locket's gone! I put it in the drawer, and when I went--

RILEY:

Don't get excited, don't get excited. Here it is.

PEG:

Well, what are you doing with it?

RILEY:

Well, I, uh-- I took it to put on an inscription. I - I wanted to surprise you. Look.

PEG:

(READS) "To Peg, with love." Oh, that's sweet of you, dear.

RILEY:

I knew you'd like it.

PEG:

Riley, you know, this locket looks different somehow.

RILEY:

Different? Well, no, it can't, it's the same as the other, uh, uh--

PEG:

Well, it seems brighter somehow.

RILEY:

(STAMMERS) Well, I had it polished.

PEG:

Oh, well, that explains it.

RILEY:

Yeah, it sure does.

JUNIOR:

(APPROACHES) Hi. Hey, what's that you got there, Mom?

PEG:

Oh, you didn't see it, dear. Your father gave me this lovely locket for St. Valentine's Day.

JUNIOR:

A locket?! Oh, so that's what--

RILEY:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Look, Junior, look at the cute inscription inside. Guess what it says.

JUNIOR:

(DRY) "Crime doesn't pay"?

RILEY:

(ADMONISHES) Junior-- ...

PEG:

Why, Junior, what an odd thing to say. Oh, Riley, darling, I can't tell you how much this locket means to me. I know it took a lot of scrimpin' and savin'.

RILEY:

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

JUNIOR:

I would! ...

RILEY:

Junior, go out and play. Er, Peg, ain't you got some place to go? You're all dressed up.

PEG:

Oh, yes, I'm going downtown. I've got loads of shopping to do. You wanta come along and help me carry some parcels?

RILEY:

Well, Peg, if you don't mind, I think I'll lie down in the front room and take a nap. (MOVING OFF) I'll see you when you get back.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS RILEY EXITS

PEG:

Oh, well, I better get going. There's a dozen places I gotta go to.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

PEG:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Yes, yes, this is Mrs. Riley. -- (UP) Yes? -- (DOWN) Yes. -- Thank you.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

PEG:

Well, of all the nerve.

JUNIOR:

What is it, Mom?

PEG:

That was a wire from Sidney Monahan. He's comin' on the six o'clock train and, as usual, he expects to stay with us. He must think we're running a boarding house. I've got a good mind to-- Oh, well, I guess we'll have to do it for your father's sake. He's fond of Sidney.

JUNIOR:

Why don't you meet him at the station, Mom?

PEG:

Well, I will not.

JUNIOR:

Well, you'll have a lot of parcels. Make him take you home in a cab.

PEG:

Well-- (CHUCKLES) That's a very good idea. I will. It's time that graftin' Sidney Monahan paid for somethin' around here.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT ROOM DOOR OPENS

JUNIOR:

Hey, Pop, I'm going over to Egbert's.

RILEY:

(SNORING)

JUNIOR:

(TO HIMSELF) Oh, still snoozin'. It's cold in here. Maybe I'd better cover him up.

DIGGER:

No, sonny, never cover them up while they're still snoring. ...

JUNIOR:

Oh, it's you, Mr. O'Dell. Pop's asleep.

DIGGER:

I'll wait till he opens his eyes. It's always a novelty. ...

JUNIOR:

Mr. O'Dell, I gotta go next door. When Pop wakes up, will you tell him Sidney Monahan's coming on the Super Chief and he'll be here for supper.

DIGGER:

Certainly, Junior.

JUNIOR:

Oh, thanks.

DIGGER:

You haven't been around lately, Junior. Why don't you come over and play with my dear little boy, Mossbank? ...

JUNIOR:

Why, he's just a kid. He won't play basketball or anything. All he wants to do is take his little shovel and go over to an empty lot and dig holes. ... (MOVING OFF) So long.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

DIGGER:

Hmmm. Just because my boy digs holes, they look down on him. Well, some day he'll look down on them. ...

RILEY:

(SNORING LOUDLY)

DIGGER:

Good grief, how that man can snore. Riley, wake up.

RILEY:

(WAKES, STAMMERS) Huh? What's the matter? Where am I?

DIGGER:

It is I, Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker. ...

RILEY:

(SCARED) Let me outa here!

DIGGER:

Relax, man, you're in your own home.

RILEY:

Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, hiya, Digger. Where's Junior?

DIGGER:

Next door. He told me to tell you Sidney Monahan's arriving on the train and will be here for supper.

RILEY:

(IN MID-YAWN) Oh, Monahan? Well, yeah-- (THUNDERSTRUCK) Monahan?! Did you say, Monahan? Monahan?

DIGGER:

That's what I said -- Monahan. M as in mortician, O as in obituary, N as in natural, A as in autopsy, H as in hearse, A as in angel, and N as in National Association of Undertakers. ...

RILEY:

Oh, this is terrible. Oh, I'm a goner.

DIGGER:

Come, come, man, don't despair. As we say in our profession, a man may be down, but he's never out -- until he's carried. ... What is the problem?

RILEY:

Monahan sent Peg a locket for Valentine's Day, and I opened the box and gave it to Peg and I told her I bought it.

DIGGER:

Oh, Riley, how could you? For shame. What will your dear spouse think when she learns of your dastardly duplicity?

RILEY:

Yeah, well-- It'll break her heart.

DIGGER:

You must do something. You must spare her the anguish. As we say in my profession, don't get in too deep. ...

RILEY:

Too late.

DIGGER:

Oh, there's still time. Go to the station, head off this Monahan and prevent him from coming here.

RILEY:

Yeah! Yeah, I'll do it. It's my only chance.

DIGGER:

And let me leave you with a word of advice, you snooping wretch. (A POEM) "Never be nosy, others have tried it. / Never open a box, unless you're inside it." ... Well, cheerio. I'd better be - shoveling off.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRAIN BELL

PEG:

Sidney! Yoo hoo, Sidney!

SIDNEY:

Peggy pie! You came to meet little Sidney.

PEG:

Hello, Sidney. Nice to see you again.

SIDNEY:

Say, I never expected you to meet me.

PEG:

Oh, I happened to be in the neighborhood. (BROAD HINT) Oh, my, these packages are heavy.

SIDNEY:

(IGNORES HINT) You know, I had a reservation at a hotel, but then I said to myself, "If I don't stay with the Rileys, they'll never forgive me."

PEG:

(DRY CHUCKLE) Oh, we'd forgive ya. ...

SIDNEY:

Oh, you're just saying that to be polite. Say, that's a mighty pretty locket you got there.

PEG:

Oh, do you like it?

SIDNEY:

Well, the question is, do you like it?

PEG:

I certainly do. Riley gave it to me for a Valentine.

SIDNEY:

Yeah, I-- (CHOKES AND COUGHS) ... Peg?! Riley gave it to you? Why, that locket-- Why, I-- (CHOKES AND COUGHS MORE)

PEG:

(SUSPICIOUS) Goodness, what's wrong, Sidney?

SIDNEY:

Nothing. It's this California air -- it sticks in my throat. ... Well, let's go.

PEG:

Just a minute, Sidney. (BAITING A TRAP) There's, uh-- There's something funny about this locket.

SIDNEY:

Oh, no, no, no. It looks fine on you. Riley has good taste.

PEG:

Uh, Sidney, I, ah-- I didn't thank you for what you sent me on St. Valentine's Day.

SIDNEY:

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. Don't mention it.

PEG:

They were delicious - chocolates.

SIDNEY:

Well, I'm glad you liked 'em. Well, let's go.

PEG:

(UPSET) Wait a minute, Sidney. You know you didn't send me any chocolates. You sent me this locket, didn't ya?

SIDNEY:

Now, Peggy, I--

PEG:

And that husband of mine must have opened your parcel and took credit for it! Oh, when I get hold of him, I'll--!

SIDNEY:

Oh, now, now, don't be too tough on that big, er-- He must have some reason for, uh--

PEG:

Well, I better call home and tell the kids we're on our way. (MOVING OFF) I'll only be a minute.

SIDNEY:

I'll meet you at the information booth. (TO HIMSELF, AMUSED) Oh, that Riley. What a character.

SOUND:

RILEY'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

RILEY:

(APPROACHES, CALLS) Sidney?! Sidney?!

SIDNEY:

Riley, old pal!

RILEY:

I thought I'd never find you. Come on, Sidney--

SIDNEY:

Well, take it easy. Peggy--

RILEY:

(STAMMERS) Oh, Peg. Well, Peg didn't come with me. That's what I wanted to tell ya. You can't stay at our house.

SIDNEY:

I can't?

RILEY:

(STAMMERS, MAKING UP EXCUSE) No, I ain't got a house. You see, Peg-- Peg has left me -- for good. And she took the kids and the house with her. ...

SIDNEY:

Mmm hmm. So, ah, Peg left you, eh?

RILEY:

Yeah, she's gone--

PEG:

(UPSET) Mister Riley!

RILEY:

Peg! Peg, you've come back to me! ...

PEG:

(CONFUSED) What?

RILEY:

She's come back to me! Ain't that wonderful, Sidney? Now we can go on a second honeymoon. Goodbye, Sidney! Come on, darlin'.

PEG:

Well! I don't know what you're ravin' about, but don't you "darlin'" me!

RILEY:

Yeah, but Dumplin', I just--

PEG:

I know all about your little trick with Sidney's locket.

RILEY:

Oh. Oh, he squealed on me!

PEG:

He did not! I found out myself. (TEARFUL) Oh, I should have realized from the very beginning that you're not the kind of a husband who'd be thoughtful enough to buy his wife a locket.

RILEY:

Now, wait a minute. I resent that. That ain't true. I am the kind of a husband who'd give his wife a locket. I'll prove it to you. I happen to have it here with me. Here, look at it.

PEG:

That green monstrosity?!

RILEY:

Huh? Oh, yeah, I forgot, it's green. (CHUCKLES, IRISH ACCENT) Sure, and a Happy St. Patrick's Day to ya, Macushla!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

The Rileys will return in just a moment. It's Prell care for more radiant hair. Yes, Prell, Procter and Gamble's Radiant-Creme Shampoo. Even in hardest water, Prell leaves hair more radiant than any other leading creme shampoo -- with no trace of soap film to dim the natural highlights of your hair. And Prell removes ugly dandruff quickly, in as little as three minutes. Doctors' examinations proved it. And just one trial will prove there's nothing like that handy Prell tube for easy shampooing. Try it yourself. As Tallulah says--

MUSIC:

FOR COMMERCIAL JINGLE

TALLULAH:

(SINGS) I'm Tallulah, the tube of Prell,
And I'll make your hair look swell.
It'll shine, it'll glow, so dandruff-free.
For radiant hair, get a hold of me,
Tallulah,
The tube o'
Prell
Shampoo!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CHANGES TO RILEY THEME FOR QUICK TRANSITION

RILEY:

But, Peg, I keep tellin' ya. Why don't you believe me? Sidney sent ya the cheap locket that turned green. I went out and bought that genuine fourteen-carat gold locket that you're wearin'.

PEG:

Oh, stop, Riley. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't believe a word you're saying.

RILEY:

But it's true, honest. Sidney's locket looked just like this here gold one that I bought you, but Sidney's wasn't genuine like this one, 'cause when I wanted to polish it up I blew on it like this-- (BLOW) And-- (PAUSE, IRISH ACCENT) Sure, and a Happy St. Patrick's Day to ya, Macushla! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN UNDER

ANNOUNCER:

Procter and Gamble invites you to join us again next week to hear THE LIFE OF RILEY with William Bendix as Riley. The script is by Reuben Ship, Alan Lipscott, and Dick Powell. Mrs. Riley is Paula Winslowe. Digger O'Dell is John Brown. THE LIFE OF RILEY is produced by Irving Brecher. And remember, for more radiant hair, free of unsightly dandruff, get the shampoo in the tube -- P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

WOMAN:

I've found a wonderful soap for dishwashing! It's positively ideal!

2ND ANNCR:

That must be--

MUSIC:

IVORY SOAP JINGLE

2ND ANNCR:

Yes, indeed -- wonderful Ivory Snow! Prove to yourself how wonderful Ivory Snow really is for dishwashing. Let your hands tell you why. Use Ivory Snow in your dishpan as millions do. When you see how it pampers your hands, helps keep them soft and white, you will know Ivory Snow's ideal for dishes. You see, it's Ivory mild, Ivory pure, so it is extra-kind to hands. Yet Ivory Snow is so fast; it's granulated for instant sudsing. Remember, Ivory Snow is the only soap both Ivory mild and granulated for efficiency. There's no other soap like it. Yes, for speedier dishwashing, for snow-white hands, it's--

MUSIC:

IVORY SOAP JINGLE

2ND ANNCR:

Wonderful Ivory Snow.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN UNDER

ANNOUNCER:

This is Ken Niles reminding you to tune in this NBC station every Friday night for Jimmy Durante, Eddie Cantor, Red Skelton, and - THE LIFE OF RILEY! Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... FADES OUT WITH--

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

The preceding program was transcribed. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES