Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: My Friend Irma
Show: Irma Gives Rent Money to Al (abridged)
Date: Apr 18 1947

Abbreviated to approximately 15 minutes
Courtesy of Richard Huitema

Clip 1:

Intro Music, through (X)

Quartet sings:

Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship.
When other friendships have been forgot, theirs will still be hot!

My... friend... Irma...

Audience:

Applause

Musical Bridge (X)

Jane:

You know, friendship is a thing that's been around all through the ages... like measles. Measles you can get rid of, but not my friend Irma. You know something? I never wanna get rid of Irma because I sincerely love that girl. So I'm going to continue to live with her through thick and thin, although at times it's trying. Now take for example, when I was trying to straighten out our finances and fix up a budget for us...

Jane:

Now listen Irma, my boss, Richard Rhinelander is coming over later to take me out, so let me get together the rent money to pay Mrs. O'Reilly, the landlady, huh? Now, what have we got....

Irma:

Jane, why must we take all our money and give it to Mrs. O'Reilly?

Jane:

Well, because she's our landlady and she happens to own the building.

Irma:

Well if she already owns the building, what does she need our money for?

Jane:

Well, any way you look at it, we have to give her the money. Now look, honey, if she comes up and I happen to be busy dressing, you know, you pay her the fifty dollars and be sure to get a receipt. Do you think you can handle that?

Irma:

Certainly, Jane. What do you think I am... dumb?

Jane:

Irma, I'm kinda sorry you asked me that.

Irma:

Why?

Jane:

I might have to answer it.

SFX:

Phone rings, phone up.

Irma:

Hello... Oh, hi!... Yes, yes, I'll ask her. It's Al. He has a new fighter he's promoting called Tiger McGurk and needs some capital to enter him in the Elks Club preliminaries tonight. He wants to know if we want to back him and jump on the bandwagon.

Jane:

Tell him 'no thanks.' We'll hitchhike and stay honest.

Irma:

She says no thanks, Al, we'll stay honest. Yes, OK... call me... Bye.

SFX:

Phone down

Jane:

Irma, sweetie... I'm gonna go down to the drug store to buy some of that special perfume that Richard likes, ya know? And now, if Mrs. O'Reilly comes up while I'm gone, here's the fifty dollars' rent money for her and you be sure to get a receipt. Do you think you can handle it?

Irma:

Certainly, Jane...

SFX:

Footsteps and door opens

Irma:

Uh... Jane...

Jane:

Yes.

Irma:

Uh, why don't we give Al the money for the Tiger? He looks like a sure thing to me.

Jane:

Oh, honey. We just made out a budget which leaves no surplus for stray fighters that Al manages.

Irma:

Yes, but gee, what if he turns out to be another John L. Dempsey?(1)

Jane:

Irma, are you really dumb or are you just acting stupid?

Irma:

I've got you over a barrel, haven't I?

SFX:

Door slams shut.

Irma:

Al, honey, I'm awful sorry. I really did my best.

Al:

I know, chicken. But you know, Irma, I don't really care about the money for myself. It's you I was thinkin' about...

Irma:

Gee, Al, you're so sweet...

Al:

Ya see, I figured that if the Tiger could win a couple fights, it might be possible for you and I to walk down that middle isle.

Irma:

Together?

Al:

If you want it that way. ....But chicken, since we couldn't persuade Jane to give me the money, I- I can't enter the Tiger in the fight tonight, so I guess we'll have to postpone our marriage... for about ten years.

Irma:

Gee, Al, I wish I had some extra money.

Al:

(beat) Heh! You know Irma, that's just one of life's funny twists. Here you are givin' fifty dollars to a dame who's got a house and don't need the dough, and yet fifty dollars would make all our dreams come true.

Irma:

Al...I, I have an idea. If I took the fifty dollars Jane gave me for Mrs. O'Reilly and if he's such a cinch to win, you can return it right after the fight! I'd pay our rent and Jane won't have to know anything about it.

Clip 2:

Musical Bridge 1

Jane:

Irma, honey, did you take care of the rent money?

Irma:

Yes Jane, I took care of it. Aww, Ugh. Uhh, (fast) Excuse me. Alright... Jane...

Jane:

What's the matter with you, Irma. What are you so nervous about?

Irma:

Oh, I'm not nervous... just wish Al would telephone and tell me if the Tiger won.

Jane:

Who cares if he wins or loses? We didn't invest any money in him.

Irma:

Well, I feel almost as if we had.

Jane:

Uhh... you wanted to, didn't you, but I wouldn't let you . (chuckling) Imagine Al. Imagine him trying to line up a sucker to back that broken down fighter! Isn't that silly?

Irma:

Yes, (forced giggle) ha, ha.

SFX:

Knock on door

Jane:

Come in...

SFX:

Door opens and closes.

Jane:

Hello Richard.

Richard:

Oh, hello Jane. Irma, nice seeing you.

Jane:

Won't you sit down, Richard?

Richard:

Oh, thank-you, Jane. Well, now, what have you girls been doing with yourselves?

Jane:

Oh... Well I just finished putting Irma and me on a budget.

Richard:

Splendid. Splendid. I think being on a budget is a smart economical move. I admire you, Jane, for having such a well developed sense of financial responsibility. Few girls have...

Jane:

Thank-you, Richard. Well, it's getting late, isn't it, isn't it? I think I'll get my hat, then we'll be off Richard!

SFX:

Footsteps, off, to (X)

Richard:

Oh, fine, Jane! (beat) (X) Well, Irma, you seem a bit preoccupied tonight.

Irma:

Well... I, I'm worried about Al and Tiger McGurk. Al should have phoned by now.

Richard:

Al?

Irma:

Yes, you remember, Al, my boyfriend. Well, he's managing a fighter and there's a fight tonight, and, well... A lot depends on it.

Richard:

Well, I must say that Al of yours is a very enterprise.....

SFX:

Footsteps under

Jane:

(coming on) Yeah... and can you imagine, Richard? He tried to get Irma and me to back him, but I refused. I said that we'd made a budget and we'd stick to it. Well! Come on Richard, we don't want to be late for the movie. Irma, honey, why don't you come with us?

Irma:

No thanks, Jane. I have to wait here for Al so he can tell me how the Tiger makes out.

Jane:

Oh, forget the Tiger. You act like you have money on him.

Irma:

Yeah don't I?

Jane:

Come on, sweetie. Come to the movie with Richard and myself. You'll like the picture. It's "The Guilt of Janet Ames."

Irma:

Thanks, Jane. I'll stay here with the guilt of Irma Peterson.

Richard:

Goodbye, Irma.

Jane:

Good bye, honey... I'm sorry you're not coming with us. We'll see you later.

SFX:

Steps, door opens and closes

Irma:

(to herself) Gee, I'm so nervous. I hope Al comes back before Mrs. O'Reilly comes for the rent.

SFX:

Knock on door.

Irma:

That must be Al, now. Come in Al!

SFX:

Door opens

Irma:

(dejected) Oh, it's you Mrs. O'Reilly. (sweetly) Well, what can I do for you?

O'Reilly:

The rent is due.

Irma:

Oh, is it rent day already? Why, it seems only yesterday that we paid you for last month!

O'Reilly:

It was yesterday, dearie. You was 30 days late. And now if I can have me fifty dollars, I'll be goin'.

Irma:

Well now, don't be in such a hurry Mrs. O'Reilly. Come in and we'll chat a little.

SFX:

Door closes

O'Reilly:

Well, if I don't mind if I do... I got me sort of a soft spot in my heart for you two girls.

Irma:

What's new Mrs. O'Reilly?

O'Reilly:

Well, Mrs. O'Malley had twins last night and her husband .... Now just a minute there, you're gettin' me off the subject.

Irma:

Ohhhh, I wouldn't think of doing that. Were they happy having twins?

O'Reilly:

No, they have too many mouths to feed, as it is.

Irma:

Oh really, Mrs. O'Reilly? How many children do they have?

O'Reilly:

Oh, now let me see. There's Timothy, Patrick, Terrance, and Dennis.

Irma:

Care for some tea?

O'Reilly:

Yes, thank-you. Robert, Thomas, Michael, and little Danny. Then there's Joseph, Stevie, Kevin and Phillip.

Irma:

They have quite a large family!

O'Reilly:

And then there's the girls. There's Mary, and Maggie and Kathy.... those are the twins. They were all born under the sign of Capricorn.

Irma:

Oh.. What's the sign of Capricorn mean?

O'Reilly:

Oh, that's the horn of plenty. Well, if you'll just give me the rent, I'll be on me way.

Irma:

Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, there's something on my unconscience that I must get off. I, I gave the rent money to my boyfriend Al to bet on the Tiger, a prize fighter.

O'Reilly:

Now, did you now!

Irma:

So, could you please wait until after the fight for your money?

O'Reilly:

Oh, now wait a minute! Why should I be waitin' for me money when there's a wallet chuck full of money lyin' there on the table, there?

Irma:

What? Money? ... (Deep breath in) Oh gee gosh! Mr. Rhinelander must have forgotten it!

O'Reilly:

Well now, isn't that convenient? Now, let me see, he has here... let's see: 10, 20.... Oh, one-hundred and fifty dollars! Now if you'll just allow me to take fifty dollars out of the wallet, we'll call the rent settled.

Irma:

Oh stop, Mrs. O'Reilly... The money doesn't belong to me.

O'Reilly:

Well, come now, dear... You're only letting me borrow the money until after the fight.

Irma:

But, that's stealing!

O'Reilly:

Well not if you put it back. Now, don't worry... just say to yourself: 'I'm not a criminal,' 'I'm not a criminal.'

Irma:

I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal.

O'Reilly:

Fine. You just keep sayin' that, and thanks for the rent. Goodbye dearie.

SFX:

Door opens and closes.

Irma:

I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal. Oh... but I am a criminal because it was't my money. Gee, I'm a criminal, I'm a criminal.

SFX:

Door opens and closes.

Jane:

Hi, Irma.

Irma:

Jane, I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal.

Jane:

Irma, what are you mumbling about?

Irma:

Oh nothing. Hello Jane and Richard. What are you doing back here?

Richard:

Well, Irma, the funniest thing happened. When I went up to the box office to pay for the tickets, I found that I didn't have...

Irma:

(overlap) ...have any money?

Richard:

How did you know?

Irma:

Well, Al always pulls that one on me.

Jane:

Irma, darling, what Richard means is that he might have left his wallet here in the apartment. Did you happen to see it?

Irma:

I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal.

Jane:

Irma, if you should come across it, honey, let me describe it to you. It was a brown pigskin wallet with the name Richard Rhinelander on it: R - I - C - H - A - R -D, R - H - I...

Irma:

Oh you don't have to spell in front of me. I'm old enough to understand things, now.

SFX:

Knock on door.

Irma:

(relieved) Ohhhh, come in.

SFX:

Door opens and closes.

Al:

Hi ya, folks. Hello there chicken.

Irma:

Oh, All! How was the fight? Did the Tiger win?

Al:

Ehhhh, no, Chicken. But you'd've been proud of him. He established a new world's record. Three and a half seconds in the first round.

Richard:

Y- You mean he was knocked out in three and a half seconds?

Al:

No, he as back in the shower...

Richard:

Wow. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Irma:

You're sorry!?

Jane:

Getting back to our little discussion, Irma, I'd like to find out what happened.

Irma:

(quickly) Well, Al. I'll be with you in a minute, Jane, I want to see Al in private, first...

SFX:

Steps under (until door opens)

Irma:

...Uh, oh, would you excuse me? Uh, come on Al.

SFX:

Door opens and closes.

Al:

What's up chicken?

Irma:

Well, Al, after I gave you the money, Richard left his wallet here and I took fifty dollars from it to replace the rent money that I gave you to bet on the Tiger.

Al:

So...

Irma:

So Jane and Richard are back looking for his wallet and I have it here and I have to give it to him, and they'll find the money missing. Oh Al, I'm a criminal, I'm a criminal...

Al:

Ohhhh, honey, you're not a criminal.

Irma:

No, I tried saying that; it doesn't work.

Al:

Look, honey, if that's all you're worrin' about, forget it. Your Al will always take care of his little Irma... Here's the fifty dollars to put back in the wallet, and here's ten more for your share of the winin'.

Irma:

But, Al, where'd you get the money? The Tiger lost...

Al:

Wha' da ya think I bet him to win? I bet against the bum.

Irma:

Gee, Al you're a genius.

SFX:

Door opens, steps

Irma:

Mr. Rhinlander, a- did your a- wallet have a zipper in it?

Richard:

Yes.

Irma:

Then this one must be yours. Here it is...

Richard:

Why, yes, that's mine, Irma, but here did....

Jane:

Irma, why didn't you give it to him before?

Irma:

You didn't say anything about a zipper and you have to be plenty careful these days.

Richard:

Why... That's odd...

Jane:

What's the matter, Richard?

Richard:

Well, Jane, I had a hundred and fifty dollars in my wallet and now I have a hundred and sixty. Where did that extra ten dollar bill come from?

Irma:

Don't you get interest on all your loans?

Clip 3:

Bridge 2 (Cue Jane @ 5 sec)

Jane:

When we got home that night, and we're drinking our chocolate before going to bed, I said: "Irma... What about Richard's wallet." And Irma said:

Irma:

I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal.

Jane:

Well... That's My... Friend... Irma!

Audience:

Applause under following

Clip 4:

Closing Music