BACKGROUND:

Announcer:

It's time for another chapter in the life of Archie Andrews!

MUSIC:

Theme up, and then under and fading out for...

Announcer:

We invite you now to join Archie and his pals Jughead, Veronica and Betty in another comic adventure from Riverdale. Today's episode will begin in just a few moments.

MUSIC:

Swift's Jingle

Cast:

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Announcer:

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MUSIC:

Christmas tune up, and then under for?

Announcer:

And now for our weekly visit to Riverdale. It's Saturday afternoon as we look in on the Andrews' home and at the moment we find Mr. Andrews, alone in the living room, sitting in his favorite armchair reading the newspaper.

Fred:

(mumbling as he reads his paper and pronouncing occasional words, amused and laughing to himself) ?had to be more mannerly...if he asked someone to pass the cake to him... (giggles)?he replied, "Oh, Mommy, what does manners get you?" (giggles louder) "?everytime Daddy gets polite on the train or bus, it costs him his seat?" (laughs)

SOUND FX:

Phone rings, continues through next dialogue

Mary:

(Off mic, calling) Fred?

Fred:

(stopping laughter) Yes, dear?

Mary:

(Off mic, calling) Telephone's ringing?

Fred:

I hear it.

Mary:

Well, answer it.

Fred:

Well Mary, I'm reading my -

Mary:

(Insistently) Fred!

Fred:

Yes, dear, I'll answer it. (mumbles to self)

SOUND FX:

Pick up phone receiver

Fred:

Hello?

Veronica:

Hello, Mr. Andrews?

Fred:

Uh, yes?

Veronica:

This is Veronica. Is Archie home?

Fred:

Oh, hello, Veronica. Yes, Archie's home. Did you want to talk to him?

Veronica:

No, I don't.

Fred:

Alright, I'll call him - um, you don't?

Veronica:

That's right. I'd rather you just gave him a message for me.

Fred:

Oh, of course, Veronica. What is it?

Veronica:

Well, Archie was supposed to come over this afternoon at three o'clock?

Fred:

Yes?

Veronica:

But ask him to make it four o'clock instead.

Fred:

Four o'clock instead.

Veronica:

I'm going down to Stacy's Department Store to do some Christmas shopping this afternoon and this is about the last chance I'll have.

Fred:

All right, Veronica, I'll tell him.

Veronica:

Thank you, Mr. Andrews. Oh, but don't tell him I'm going shopping. You see it's for his present. Just tell him the part about changing the date from three to four.

Fred:

All right, Veronica, I'll tell him.

Veronica:

Thanks ever so much, Mr. Andrews. 'Bye!

Fred:

'Bye.

SOUND FX:

Hang up phone

Fred:

By George, it's a good thing Veronica called. I'd forgotten all about Christmas shopping. And I still don't have anything for Mary or Archie. I'd better get my hat and get down to Stacy's right now. This is the last chance I'll have?

SOUND FX:

Door buzzer

Fred:

(slightly annoyed) Oh, fine...

Mary:

(Off mic, calling) Fred?

Fred:

Yes, dear?

Mary:

Doorbell's ringing?

Fred:

I hear it, dear. I hear it.

Mary:

Oh, all right, dear.

Fred:

Hm, all right, dear, all right. I never have a chance to -

SOUND FX:

Door opens

Fred:

Oh, good grief. Jughead.

Jughead:

Who'dya expect, Jersey Joe Walcott? (snickers)

Fred:

No, Jughead, and I don't want to fight with you, either. I'm in a hurry. I?

Archie:

Oh, gee, hiya, Jug. What are you doing here?

Jughead:

Oh, hi Archie. I came over to see what you're doin'.

Archie:

Well, I was just?

Fred:

Oh, Archie, Veronica just called?

Archie:

(anxiously) Gee whiz, she did?

Fred:

Yes, Archie, she did. And she said?

Archie:

Gee, I never heard the phone ring.

Fred:

Well, it rang and Veronica said?

Archie:

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Fred:

(pause) Archie?

Archie:

Yes, Dad?

Fred:

Do you care to hear what Veronica said or not?

Archie:

Well sure, Dad, sure!

Fred:

Then be quiet and I'll tell you!

Archie:

OK, Dad, OK.

Fred:

She said to uh, to uh, oh yeah. She said to change your appointment with her from three o'clock to four o'clock.

Archie:

From three to four?

Fred:

Yes, an hour later.

Archie:

Gee whiz, I wonder why?

Fred:

Well, she had some things to attend to and I'm going out. I'll see ya later!

Archie:

Yah, OK, Dad. Goodbye!

Jughead:

'Bye, Mr. Andrews.

SOUND FX:

Door closes

Archie:

Gee whiz that's great.

Jughead:

Huh?

Archie:

Now that Veronica's made our date an hour later, I have time to get my Christmas shopping done.

Jughead:

But I?

Archie:

This is practically the last chance I'll have.

Jughead:

But I?

Archie:

It's a good thing I thought of it.

Jughead:

But I?

Archie:

I haven't bought a thing for anyone yet.

Jughead:

Including me?

Archie:

Including you.

Jughead:

(pause) Archie, it's time you did your Christmas shopping.

Archie:

That's right, Jug. C'mon we'll go right down to Stacy's.

SOUND FX:

Door opens

Jughead:

Well, what are you going to get me, huh?

Archie:

Jug, you'll just have to?

SOUND FX:

Door closes

SOUND FX:

Phone rings, continues

Mary:

(Off mic, calling) Fred?Telephone's ringing. Fred? Fred?

SOUND FX:

Phone rings, continues

Mary:

Fred, can't you answer when I call? I think that?well that's funny, he's gone. Oh for pity's sake.

SOUND FX:

Picks up phone receiver

Mary:

(a little exasperated) Hello?

Betty:

Hello, Mrs. Andrews? This is Betty.

Mary:

Oh, hello, dear. How are you?

Betty:

Fine thanks, Mrs. Andrews. Ah, is Archie home?

Mary:

Yes, dear, I think he's upstairs. (calling) Oh, Archie?Archie?(to herself) Hm, that's funny. He must've gone out, too. I wish people'd tell me when they're going out. (to Betty) Hello, Betty.

Betty:

Yes, Mrs. Andrews?

Mary:

Archie doesn't seem to be home, dear.

Betty:

Oh, he isn't?

Mary:

No, dear and Betty, I hate to cut you short, but I have to run now. I'm just leaving to do my Christmas shopping.

Betty:

Oh golly, I'm glad you mentioned that, Mrs. Andrews. I haven't done my shopping yet, either.

Mary:

Oh, you haven't? Well, would you like to go with me, dear?

Betty:

Oh I'd love to, Mrs. Andrews!

Mary:

All right, I'll pick you up right away and we'll go down to Stacy's.

MUSIC:

Christmas tune bridge to next scene

SOUND FX:

Store bell (3 times then stops) along with --

SOUND FX:

Stacy's Department Store customers, bustling, chatting loudly. Continues under -

Jughead:

Gee whiz, Archie, I never saw such crowds.

Archie:

Yes, Jughead, but when we got in that elevator and everyone started pushing, did you have to push back?

Jughead:

Listen, Archie, in that crowd even a sardine would've pushed back.

Archie:

Well, never mind, we're here now and the first thing I want to buy is a compact for Veronica. I wonder where the cosmetic department is?

Jughead:

Cosmetic department?

Archie:

Yeah.

Jughead:

Gee whiz, Archie, let's go up to the toy department first.

Archie:

Jug, I told you we'll go up to the toy department later. Now, come on. I'll ask that floorwalker where the cosmetic department is.

Jughead:

Gee whiz, OK.

Archie:

Oh, mister.

Floorwalker:

(hurriedly) Yes, yes?

Archie:

Could you tell me where the cosmetic department is, please?

Floorwalker:

Yes, counter seven.

Archie:

Thank you. C'mon, Jug.

Jughead:

Where is it?

Archie:

Counter seven.

Jughead:

Where's that?

Archie:

Gee, I don't know. Oh, mister?

Floorwalker:

(impatiently) Yes?

Archie:

Where is counter seven?

Floorwalker:

On the north side of counter six.

Archie:

Oh thank you, I'll just - ah?Mister?

Floorwalker:

Well what now?

Archie:

Which way is north?

Floorwalker:

Oh, my lands. Sonny, you see the boys' clothing department right there?

Archie:

Yes.

Floorwalker:

Well go right down to the aisle where the dummies are and turn right.

Archie:

Oh, OK, mister. Thanks a lot!

Floorwalker:

You're welcome! (Off mic) Yes, madam. Can I help you?

SOUND FX:

Footsteps fading away

Jughead:

Where'd he say it is Archie?

Archie:

Right down at the next aisle, Jug. C'mon.

Jughead:

Oh, OK.

Archie:

And boy, he's sure not a very friendly floorwalker.

Jughead:

Maybe his wife beats him.

Archie:

I wouldn't be surprised. I?

SOUND FX:

Loud clunk

Archie:

Ooh, what was that?

Jughead:

You bumped into that dummy.

Archie:

Oh, gee whiz, I knocked the hat off. For a minute I thought that dummy was a real person. Wait a second, Jug, while I put the hat back on.

Jughead:

OK.

Archie:

If that floorwalker ever saw me fooling around with this dummy, he'd probably throw us out the store or something. I?

Jughead:

Gee whiz!

Archie:

What's the matter?

Jughead:

There's Veronica.

Archie:

Veronica? Oh, gee whiz, I don't want her to see me here.

Jughead:

She's coming right toward us.

Archie:

Oh boy! Jug, I'm gonna to be a dummy.

Jughead:

Huh?

Archie:

I'm gonna climb up on this platform with the rest of these dummies and I-I'll wear this hat?

Jughead:

But, Archie, you can't do that!

Archie:

Oh, Jug, don't argue, don't argue. Here?how do I look?

Jughead:

You're the most natural lookin' dummy I ever saw.

Archie:

Don't be funny, Jug. And put that price tag on me quick.

Jughead:

OK. Here.

Archie:

Attaboy. Now remember don't give me away no matter what happens.

Jughead:

Well, OK, but?

Archie:

Shh.

Veronica:

Why, Jughead!

Jughead:

Oh. Hi, Veronica.

Veronica:

What y'all doin' here?

Jughead:

Ooh, just a little shopping.

Veronica:

Oh, I am too. Thank goodness I have most of it done.

Jughead:

Oh that's good.

Veronica:

Only thing I still have to get is a gift for Archie.

Jughead:

Archie?

Veronica:

Uh-huh. I don't know what to get him. He's such a problem.

Jughead:

(splutter) Yeah. He sure is.

Veronica:

I can't get him a book or anythin' because he's not the intelligent type.

Jughead:

(splutter)

Veronica:

I can't get him a baseball glove or anythin' because he's not much of an athlete.

Jughead:

(higher pitched splutter)

Veronica:

Can't get him a tie or anythin' because he just doesn't know anything about style.

Jughead:

(high splutter heading toward whimper)

Veronica:

In fact, sometimes I think Archie is an awful dummy.

Jughead:

(coughs)

Veronica:

But, then again, with prices being what they are there isn't very much you can get for a dollar.

Jughead:

(splutter-chortle)

Veronica:

Did you say something, Jughead?

Jughead:

Me? Not a word, Veronica, not a word.

Veronica:

Oh. Well I better go get some more shopping' done. Would you like to come along?

Jughead:

Oh I, uh?No, Veronica, I can't. I'm meeting someone here in a minute.

Veronica:

Oh. Well I'll run along then. 'Bye now, Jughead.

Jughead:

'Bye, Veronica. 'Bye! (pause) OK, dummy, you can relax now.

Archie:

A fine thing, a fine thing! Jughead, help me down off this platform. I?

Jughead:

Gee whiz, not now!

Archie:

Huh?

Jughead:

Here comes the floorwalker!

Archie:

Oh boy. I better be a dummy some more.

Floorwalker:

(Off mic) Yes, madam. Why certainly, madam. You can return it at any time. Yes, ma'am. (On mic) Oh, me. Never have I seen such a rush. Never in all my?Lands Sakes! Who put that dummy here?

Jughead:

Oh boy.

Floorwalker:

If that isn't the silliest looking dummy I've ever seen. I don't know why that stockroom can't send one that looks at least half-alive! I have never seen one with such an insipid expression. And such a ridiculous posture. I?

Archie:

Mister?

Floorwalker:

Yes?

Archie:

I'm, I'm not really a dummy.

Floorwalker:

That makes absolutely no difference. They still shouldn't - oh good heavens, you're alive!

Archie:

Uh-huh.

Floorwalker:

Oh, for pity's sake. Young man, come down off there.

Archie:

Yes, sir.

Floorwalker:

Well, just what were you doing on that platform looking like a dummy?

Archie:

Well, that's a long story, sir. You see, I-

Floorwalker:

Oh good heavens, young man. Will you do me a favor?

Archie:

Yes, sir.

Floorwalker:

As soon as you've paid for that jacket, leave the store.

Archie:

Huh?

Floorwalker:

I said, as soon as you've finished buying that jacket?

Archie:

This jacket?

Floorwalker:

Yes that jacket with the price tag on it. You're buying it, aren't you?

Archie:

But this is my jacket!

Floorwalker:

Your jacket? Hmm. Do you have the sales slip?

Archie:

Well, no. I bought it here last year.

Floorwalker:

(slight snicker) And you haven't removed the price tag yet?

Archie:

Removed the pri--? Oh, mister, you don't understand?

Floorwalker:

Young man, I understand perfectly. The price is fourteen-ninety-five and I want it right now.

Archie:

Oh, but mister?

Floorwalker:

Now, I said.

Archie:

But you don't understand this is my own jacket, no fooling. Jughead, tell the man this is my jacket and?Jughead?

Floorwalker:

Young man, are you calling me names?

Archie:

Oh, no, no, no, sir. I was talking to my friend.

Floorwalker:

What friend?

Archie:

Well that's just it. He--he was here a minute ago. Gee whiz, I bet he went up to the toy department. Mister, if you'd just come up to the toy department we can find my friend and he'll tell you that?

Floorwalker:

Young man, I'm not going up to the toy department or anywhere else until I have the fourteen dollars and ninety-five cents for that jacket.

Archie:

But that's all the money I have and I - I just-Oh, wait a minute.

Floorwalker:

Beg pardon?

Archie:

I know. Mister, if I paid you for this jacket you'd give me a sales slip and then I could take it over to the exchange department and get my money back, couldn't I?

Floorwalker:

Yes, if you liked.

Archie:

Ohh, well in that case, it's all right. I haven't anything to worry about. Here's the money.

Floorwalker:

Ahh, thank you. And here's your sales slip.

Archie:

Thank you.

Floorwalker:

You're quite welcome. Good day, sir.

Archie:

Good day. Guess I fooled him. Yessir, it's a good thing I think fast. For a minute there it looked like I wouldn't have any Christmas money. But now all I have to do is take this coat and, and go to the exchange counter and give them this jacket and then I'll ju -- Gee whiz, if I do, I won't have any jacket left. Oh boy, how do I get into these things?

MUSIC:

Christmas tune bridge to next scene

SOUND FX:

Store bell rings (3 times, then stop) along with --

SOUNDFX:

Store customer chatter, then under --

Fred:

Well, now let's see. First thing I better do is get that bottle of perfume for Mary. Ah, here's the perfume counter right here. Let's see now, what kind should I get her? Well, they certainly have quite an assortment. 'Chase Me'?twenty-five dollars?'Hide and Seek', thirty-two dollars?'Wallflower No More'?forty dollars. Hm. I never smelled anything worth that kind of money. Oh, here's another one: 'Evening in Riverdale'. Ten dollars. Well, that's a little better. Heh-heh-heh. Uh, I think Mary likes this perfume; that's just what I'll get her. Oh, Miss? Uh, I'll take this bottle and?

Jughead:

Gee whiz, Mr. Andrews.

Fred:

Well, Jughead, hello. What are you doing here?

Jughead:

Oh, hello, Mr. Andrews. I'm looking for Archie.

Fred:

I thought you were with Archie?

Jughead:

Well, I was, but he just?

Fred:

Well, I'm trying to get one of these salesgirls to wait on me here but they're all so busy?

Jughead:

Gee whiz.

Fred:

Wha-what's the matter?

Jughead:

There's Mrs. Andrews.

Fred:

Mary? Where?

Jughead:

Right over there.

Fred:

Oh, good grief. If she sees me with this bottle of perfume, she'll know what I'm getting her for Christmas.

Jughead:

She's coming this way.

Fred:

Yes, I know, I see. I'll just duck the bottle in my pocket, there right in this pocket. Now if she sees me?

Floorwalker:

(Off mic) Just a moment, please!

Fred:

Huh?

Floorwalker:

I saw that.

Fred:

Saw what? Oh. Ohh! OHH! Oh, now mister, you don't understand. You don't understand at all, I?

Floorwalker:

Oh I don't, don't I?

Fred:

No, you?!

Floorwalker:

Did you or did you not just hide a bottle of perfume in your pocket?

Fred:

Well, yes, but?

Floorwalker:

Have you paid for it?

Fred:

Well, no, but?

Floorwalker:

Well, I don't know what you call it, but we call it shoplifting!

Fred:

Yes, of course?uh?shoplifting?! Oh, now wait a minute, mister, I can explain. I can explain the entire thing.

Floorwalker:

Um-hmm. I'm listening.

Fred:

Well, you see, I've been trying to get one of the sales girls to wait on me and I just saw my wife over there and I hid the bottle because I didn't want her to know what I'm getting her for Christmas.

Floorwalker:

Um-hmm. Just where is your wife?

Fred:

Well she was right over, over?Oh, good heavens, she's gone!

Floorwalker:

Yeah, I thought so.

Fred:

Oh, but she was right there! Jughead, tell the man how we saw my wife?uh?oh?Well now where did he go to?

Floorwalker:

Who?

Fred:

Jughead. He was standing right here just a second ago. I don't know where he?

Floorwalker:

Mister?

Fred:

Huh?

Floorwalker:

Do you imagine these things very often?

Fred:

Imagine what?

Floorwalker:

Do you have delusions?

Fred:

But, I?

Floorwalker:

Dizzy spells?

Fred:

Oh, but I?

Floorwalker:

You see spots before your eyes?

Fred:

(spluttering)

Floorwalker:

Now, keep calm, keep calm. No need to get excited. Just give me back the perfume and we'll forget the whole thing and you can go right home and lie down.

Fred:

Lie down? But who wants to lie?

Floorwalker:

The perfume please!

Fred:

I, yes sir, I have it right in my?my?my?ohh?

Floorwalker:

Something wrong?

Fred:

Uh-huh. It leaked.

Floorwalker:

What leaked?

Fred:

Perfume bottle. It leaked all over my pocket. See, it's half-empty.

Floorwalker:

(in disbelief) Oh, for lands' sake! Now you'll have to pay for it.

Fred:

What?

Floorwalker:

That's right. I was going to forget the whole incident, but I can't return a damaged bottle to the counter.

Fred:

Well I'm certainly not going to pay for a leaky bottle of perfume.

Floorwalker:

Mister, if you're not satisfied with the item, you can take it to the exchange department, but it must be paid for it.

Fred:

But?

Floorwalker:

I said it must.

Fred:

(sighing) Oh, me, you win. I'll go to the exchange department but how I get into these things, I'll never know.

MUSIC:

Christmas tune bridge to next scene

Mary:

Which bathrobe do you like best, Betty?

Betty:

Umm, the dark blue one I think.

Mary:

I do, too. Blue is Aunt Hattie's favorite color.

Betty:

Oh, but is it her size, Mrs. Andrews?

Mary:

Well, there's only one way to tell, Betty. I'll have to try it on.

Betty:

Try it on?

Mary:

Uh-huh. I wear the same size as Aunt Hattie does and if it fits me, it'll fit her. Oh, here, hold my coat, dear while I step into this dressing room and put this bathrobe on.

Betty:

Oh all right, Mrs. Andrews.

Mary:

It'll just take me a second dear. I'd hate to go to all the trouble of buying this and sending it to Hattie and then not have it fit.

Betty:

Uh-huh.

Mary:

Then I don't have to return it for her since she lives out of town - oh, dear.

Betty:

What is it?

Mary:

There's no hanger in here for my dress.

Betty:

Oh, well hand it to me, Mrs. Andrews. I'll hold it.

Mary:

All right, dear. (extending to hand the dress to Betty) Here you are.

Betty:

I have it.

Mary:

Oh, thank you, dear. (pulling on the bathrobe) I'll have this robe on in just a minute. There. Ahh, how's it look, Betty?

Betty:

Uh, well?it looks a little big to me.

Mary:

It does? Well I better take a look in this mirror, I - oh, Betty, you don't have to hold my coat and dress. Just put them on that empty rack.

Betty:

Oh, all right, Mrs. Andrews.

Mary:

Now, let's see. Hmm, yes it is a little big.

Betty:

Yes, it is.

Mary:

I-I'll have to ask the sales girl if she has a smaller size. You wait here, Betty. (Off mic) Oh, uh, Miss? Miss, do you have a?

Jughead:

Gee whiz, Betty!

Betty:

Jughead! What are you doing here?

Jughead:

Looking for Archie.

Betty:

Archie? Is he here?

Jughead:

Well I think so. We came here together, but we got separated.

Betty:

Oh, well where'd you see him last?

Jughead:

On the dummy platform.

Betty:

What?

Jughead:

Well, you see he was being a dummy.

Betty:

What?

Jughead:

A dummy. You know the kind that looks like this.

Betty:

Jug, what are you talking about?

Man #1:

(interrupting) Excuse me, Miss. I gotta move this rack.

Betty:

What? Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Man #1:

OK, Moe, get the other end there.

Moe:

(Off mic) Got it.

Man #1:

Easy now. Right there?

Moe:

(Off mic) I got it?

Man #1:

(Off mic) Pull it around there?

Betty:

Jughead, what are you trying to tell me about Archie?

Jughead:

Betty, it's an awful long story. All I wanna know is have you seen him?

Betty:

No, I haven't.

Jughead:

Then I better keep looking. He may be in trouble.

Betty:

What kind of trouble?

Jughead:

I can't tell you now, Betty. (Off mic) See you later. 'Bye!

Betty:

But Jug, wait! Jug! Oh golly, that Jughead. He's the strangest person?

Mary:

Betty, how do you like this bathrobe?

Betty:

Oh that's fine, Mrs. Andrews. But I just?

Mary:

This size does fit much better doesn't it, dear?

Betty:

Yes, Mrs. Andrews, but I, I just?

Mary:

(alarmed) Betty! What happened to it?

Betty:

What happened to what?

Mary:

The rack!

Betty:

What rack?

Mary:

The rack you put my dress on!

Betty:

(anxious) Oh golly, I don't know!

Mary:

(excited) But my dress! My dress and coat were on it!

Betty:

Oh golly, it was here a minute ago!

Mary:

My dress! But, Betty, what'll I do?

Floorwalker:

Something wrong, madam?

Mary:

Yes, I lost my dress.

Floorwalker:

(taken aback) I beg your - I beg your pardon.

Mary:

My dress! We put it down here for a minute while I tried on this bathrobe and now it's gone!

Floorwalker:

The bathrobe?

Mary:

No, the dress!

Floorwalker:

But it couldn't be!

Mary:

But it is! Isn't it, Betty?

Betty:

Oh, yes indeed, Mrs. Andrews.

Mary:

Ohh?

Floorwalker:

(incredulous) Oh, my land! I have never seen such a day. Living dummies, men hiding from their wives and now this woman loses her dress!

Mary:

But I tell you it was right under my nose.

Floorwalker:

I should hope so!

Mary:

Well, uh, do something. Do something.

Floorwalker:

Madam, what can I do about your dress?

Mary:

Find it!

Floorwalker:

Now, Madam, be calm. Be calm. It was probably taken by mistake and it will be turned in to the lost and found department.

Mary:

Well, where's that?

Floorwalker:

At the other end of the floor next to the exchange department.

Mary:

Come on, Betty.

Floorwalker:

Madam, where are you going?

Mary:

To the lost and found department.

Floorwalker:

But Madam, certainly not in our bathrobe?

Mary:

(a little outraged) Well, certainly not without it! Come on, Betty, we'll go see if they have my dress. How these things happen to me I'll never know!

MUSIC:

Christmas tune bridge to next scene

Jughead:

Archie?

Archie:

Yes, Jug?

Jughead:

Now can I tell you who I met?

Archie:

Yes, Jug.

Jughead:

Well, first I ran into?

Fred:

Archie! What in tarnation are you doing here?

Archie:

Gee whiz, Dad. Where'd you come from?

Fred:

Never mind where I came from. Wha - Archie, what are you doing standing here in your shirtsleeves?

Archie:

Well, Dad, I can explain. You see, I came over?

Mary:

Fred Andrews, what are you doing here?

Fred:

Mary! What are you doing in your bathrobe?

Mary:

Oh, it's not my bathrobe, it's?(sniffs)?(accusingly) Fred Andrews, you smell.

Fred:

(surprised) What?

Mary:

You positively reek of perfume.

Fred:

Ohhh.

Mary:

Now, who?

Fred:

Heh, heh, yes I do, don't I? Well, ahem, you see, dear, I?

Veronica:

Archie Andrews, what are you doing here?

Archie:

Veronica!

Veronica:

Jughead, why didn't you tell me Archie was here?

Jughead:

Well, Veronica, I was?

Floorwalker:

What seems to be the trouble here?

Fred:

Oh, the Floorwalker. Mister, I'm trying to find out why my son is standing here in his shirtsleeves and?

Floorwalker:

Well, please there's no need to get?

Mary:

And I want to know why you smell of perfume?

Floorwalker:

Lady, I?

Fred:

And what are you doing in that bathrobe?

Floorwalker:

Mister, please don't?

Archie:

And I'm trying to exchange my own coat!

Floorwalker:

Sonny, just?

Veronica:

So, when did you get here, Archie?

Jughead:

Why are you all excited?

All start arguing among each other loudly.

Fred:

(trying to get their attention) Archie! Mary!

Fred:

(trying to talk over the arguing) Quiet!

Arguing continues?

Fred:

(louder) Quiet!

Arguing continues?

Fred:

(louder, a little forcefully) QUIET!

Arguing stops.

Fred:

Whew! That's better. Now listen to me, all of you. This nonsense has gone far enough. Too far in fact.

Jughead, Veronica, & Betty:

Yes, Mr. Andrews.

Mary:

Yes, dear.

Archie:

Yes, Dad.

Floorwalker:

(interrupting) It certainly has?

Fred:

(spluttering) But?

Floorwalker:

(continuing) ?All afternoon you people have made my life quite miserable for me. Quite miserable.

All but Floorwalker:

Yes, sir.

Floorwalker:

Now, if there's any reason for it I feel I'm entitled to an explanation.

Archie:

Well, mister, you know the coat, the one you thought I was buying?

Floorwalker:

Yes?

Archie:

Well, my mother and father and Jughead and Veronica can all identify it as my old coat.

Mary:

Why of course that's Archie's coat.

Veronica:

My goodness, yes?

Fred:

I know that's his coat?

Floorwalker:

Oh, dear. You mean it really is?

Fred:

Yes. And maybe you'll recall you didn't believe my wife was in the store when I hid the perfume bottle in my pocket?

Floorwalker:

(sheepishly) Well, yes, I?

Fred:

Well this is my wife.

Floorwalker:

(apologetically) Oh?How do you do? I'm very sorry?

Betty:

And I just found out that two of your men moved an empty rack while I was talking to Jughead here. Didn't they, Jughead?

Jughead:

Sure they did.

Mary:

And that was the rack that had my dress and coat on it.

Fred:

Well, Mr. Floorwalker, what do you say to that?

All but Floorwalker (indignantly): Yeah, what do you say to that?

Floorwalker:

(conceding) People, please, please, please. No tempers, please. No tempers, no tempers. The customer's always right at J. Alfred Stacy's. We'll make amends, make amends.

Fred:

Hmph.

Floorwalker:

Mistakes will happen, you know.

Fred:

Hmph.

Floorwalker:

Young man, since that does seem to be your own coat, you may keep it and I'll give you a cash credit slip for what you paid me.

Archie:

Thank you.

Floorwalker:

And you, sir?

Fred:

Yes?

Floorwalker:

I'll be glad to give you another bottle of perfume. Compliments of the store.

Fred:

Well that's better.

Floorwalker:

And Madam?

Mary:

Yes?

Floorwalker:

I'm sure we can find your dress and coat in the lost and found department. And you may keep that bathrobe at no charge.

Mary:

(happily) Well! Thank you!

Jughead:

I'm here, too.

Archie:

Jug, shut up.

Floorwalker:

(cautiously) Well, people, uh, that satisfy you?

Fred:

Well, yes I think that straightens everything out all right. I'm sorry there's been so much misunderstanding.

Floorwalker:

That's quite all right. Quite all right.

Fred:

And now, folks, if everything's settled, let's stop hiding from each other and get this Christmas shopping over and done with once and for all.

Jughead, Veronica, & Betty:

Yes, Mr. Andrews.

Mary:

Yes, dear.

Archie:

Yes, Dad.

Fred:

All right. Now, I?

SOUND FX:

Store bell tone (2 times)

Fred:

What was that?

Floorwalker:

Five o'clock. Thank heavens, store's closing. You folks'll all have to come back next Monday.

Fred:

Come back, you mean we've gotta to go through all this again?

All:

(moans and groans of disbelief; excited chatter amongst themselves)

MUSIC:

Christmas tune up and then out, followed immediately by Swift's Jingle

Cast:

Tender beef, juicy pork,

Known from the west coast

To New York!

Swift's Premium Franks!

Swift's Premium Franks!

Announcer:

Friends, you really know what you're getting when you ask for Swift's Premium Franks. Made fresh daily in Swift kitchens from coast-to-coast, so you know they're fresh. Made by Swift so you know they're top quality. Ask for them today--Swift's Premium Franks in the new, handy one pound cellophane package. And while you're at your dealers be sure to ask for Swift's Brookfield Sausage--the sausage with the "just right" seasoning. And don't forget your dealer has a tempting variety of Swift's Premium table-ready meats. Tasty COOKED SPECIALTY is being featured this week. A delicious luncheon meat--Swift's Premium Cooked Specialty is all meat. No bones. No waste. An economical, flavorful meat that the whole family will enjoy. Swift's Premium Cooked Specialty is just the thing for family holiday lunches and snacks. For a meal in a flash that saves plenty of cash, get Swift's Premium table-ready meats.

MUSIC:

Theme up and then under for...

Announcer:

You've been listening to another chapter in the adventures of Archie Andrews, written by Carl Jampel, and based on the copyrighted characters appearing in Archie Comics magazine. Archie was played by Bob Hastings, Jughead by Harlan Stone, Jr. Mom and Dad Andrews are played by Alice Yourman and Arthur Kohl. Veronica and Betty are portrayed by Gloria Mann and Rosemary Rice. Others in today's cast were Bill Griffis, Joe Latham and Fred Barron. This program is produced and directed by Kenneth MacGregor. Listen next Saturday when Swift and Company, makers of Swift's Premium Franks, and the Mutual Broadcasting System, brings you more of the merry Adventures of Archie Andrews. This is Bob Sherry wishing you all a very pleasant weekend. So long.

MUSIC:

Theme up and play to end.