The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe The Calculated Risk Date: Jan 19 1951

The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe
'The Case of the Calculated Risk'
by Charles O'Neill
based on the characters created by Rex Stout

CAST OF CHARACTERS

WOLFE: Worlds greatest detective, fancier of fine food and orchids
ARCHIE: His long-suffering assistant
CAFFERY Angry, passionate man with a problem
CARL (AKA McLane) the villain of the piece.
MITCHEL His former partner (a corpse)
MISS STEELE A secretary
MISS LEVIN A secretary
MR COWLES A secretary
TUNIS: An important secretary
TINSLEY Falsely accused
INSPECTOR KRAMER Wolfe's foil.

FX: Ringing of phone ANNOUNCE: Ladies and Gentlemen, the ringing of that phone bell brings you mystery, adventure! FX: Pick up phone ARCHIE: Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking. Mr Wolfe? He's right here, but who is...You what?! SOUND: RECEIVER HANG UP WOLFE: Archie, you look bewildered. ARCHIE: So'll you be when this client gets here, Mr. Wolfe. He says he's got a date...for murder! MUSIC: THEME UP, CONTINUED DOWN AND UNDER ANNOUNCER: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the detective who rates the knife and fork the greatest tools ever invented by man. The ponderous, brilliant and unpredictable Nero Wolfe! Created by Rex Stout and brought to you in a new series of adventures over this Icebox Radio network in the person of...Justin Kapla! MUSIC: THEME UP, THEN DOWN AND FADE OUT ARCHIE: Tonight's story, The Case of the Calculated Risk' was as strange and baffling a one as Nero Wolfe ever had to deal with, and take it from me, Archie Goodwin, we've had some honeys. Before this one was over, though, we didn't even know if we'd survive it ourselves! It started late one night when a big-shouldered man, sporting a reddish beard and billing himself as Dave Caffery, pushed his way in, walked up to Nero Wolfe's desk and rocked him with this opener. CAFFERY: Tomorrow morning, Mr. Wolfe, I'm going to kill a man. WOLFE: I beg your pardon, sir. CAFFERY: I'm going to kill a man. With these two hands. WOLFE: I've been told strange things across this desk, Mr. Caffery. This is the first time a murderer has confided his intention to me in advance. Who, pray, is your victim to be? CAFFERY: I'm not telling you his name, I'm not telling you where I'm to meet him. This session tomorrow's going to be private and personal. But if anyone happens to me between now and then, I want you to take over. WOLFE: Mr. Caffery, do you seriously think I could possibly assist you in a matter of private vengeance, or even -- CAFFERY: That's not what I'm asking! This guy deserves to die. I plan to kill him with these two hands, me myself. But if I fail, if he gets to me first, I want you to see that justice is done. WOLFE: But I assure you, sir -- CAFFERY: I told you this guy deserves to die! Let me tell you why, then you'll see. (BEAT) Two years ago, down south, there were three men in business together. Partners, me and two others. ARCHIE: Your notebook, Archie -- If Mr. Caffery doesn't mind? CAFFERY: You're wasting your time, Wolfe. The names I'll use will be phony. I won't give you anything you can check back on. WOLFE: We'll take our chance, sir. Archie? ARCHIE: Got the notebook right here, boss. WOLFE: Mr. Caffery, please proceed. CAFFERY: It happened in a town about forty miles from the place where we had our business. We'd gone there to collect some money -- the three of us -Carl, Mitch and me, Dave Caffery. But all we collected was bad news. So bad, that Carl hadn't even given our right names at the hotel. Said he was scared some of our creditors would come hitting us up for what we owed. The three of us had had some drinks and we'd been pacing around for nearly an hour. I can still remember the way Mitch stood and looked at me, and then up at (SLOW FADE OUT) Carl when Carl stopped and came out that idea of his. CARL: (FADE IN) It's as simple as pepper and salt, fellows. We've got six thousand cash on hand. You counted it, Mitch. MITCH: Didn't we make it sixty-two forty, Carl? CARL: Whichever. We've got six thousand odd, plus some slow accounts receivable against debts of thirty-eight thousand. With three of us trying to live from business, we haven't got a chance. CAFFERY: Well, we might not have much of one, Carl, but -- CARL: It's hopeless, Dave. With two partners, though -- MITCH: Two partners? You reckon on pulling out, Carl? (PAUSE) CARL: I say we cut cards for it, Mitch. Low man drops out. CAFFERY: Break up the partnership? After sticking together all these -- MITCH: Wait a minute, Dave. Maybe Carl's right. Maybe this could work, and what else will? Carl, you mean low man drops out clean? Right now? CARL: Right now, Mitch. Other two to take over assets and debts, and see if they can this thing back in the black. MITCH: Okay, Carl. Get the cards out. CARL: Dave? CAFFERY: Well, if that's what you guys want -- CARL: Okay, then! Here's a new deck. Shuffle them, Mitch. SOUND: CARDS SHUFFLING MITCH: All shuffled. CARL: Cut ëem, Dave. SOUND: CARDS CUT CARL: Go ahead, Mitch. You get first pick. Spread ëem out if you like. MITCH: Here goes. (DISAPPOINTED GRUNT) A six! CARL: Your turn, Dave. CAFFERY: Okay. (BEAT) Nine of clubs. MITCH: Lucky guy, Dave. That puts you in whatever Carl pulls. CARL: I'll pull it fast -- there she is. MITCH: An ace! CARL: Sorry, Mitch. That leaves you elected. CAFFERY: Well, Mitch, I'm sorry, too. I guess we all had a fair wack at it, but -- MITCH: Wait a minute! Let me see that ace again, Carl! CARL: (DANGEROUSLY) Easy, Mitch. I said I was sorry, but -- MITCH: Look, Dave! CAFFERY: What is it, Mitch? MITCH: All the aces are marked. Carl, I'm going to cram this deck right down your crooked throat and -- SOUND: STEPS, VIOLENT STRUGGLES CAFFERY: Mitch! Carl! Mitch, look out! He's got a knife! Carl, you can't -- MITCH: Ahhhhh! SOUND: BODY DROP CAFFERY: (HORRIFIED) You did...Carl, you've -- CARL: All right, I've cut him for keeps. What do we do now? CAFFERY: What do WE do?! Look, Carl, I didn't mark those cards, and I didn't kill Mitch. And what's more -- CARL: Listen, you -- get wise, and fast! The law won't make no distinction between us. You're in it with me just by being here. Now come on, let's go. We've got to act fast. MUSIC: SUSPENSE TRANSITION SOUND: APPROACHING TRAIN. CAFFERY: Now what, Carl? CARL: We separate here, Dave. We can't be seen together. Two men together are easier to trace than if we go separate ways. We'll meet three months from today in front of the public library in Detroit. Then we'll see. CAFFERY: But the dough, I've got no money. CARL: Did you think I'd forget that, you dope? Here, I divided the money in two. Here's your share in this envelope. Put it in your pocket. Now, that freight train coming, you grab this one and I'll grab the next one going in the opposite direction. Meet you in Detroit! CAFFERY: Three months, right. SOUND: TRAIN ROLLS UP AND OVER, THEN FADES DOWN MUSIC: TRANSITION UP, THEN DOWN AND OUT. CAFFERY: (FADING BACK IN) And that's how it was, Mr Wolfe. WOLFE: Hmm. This man you call Carl, he would seem to be one of the world's choice creatures, Mr. Caffery. Do you wish me to guess what happened then? CAFFERY: No, but you could. When I thought to look in that envelope he gave me, I found forty dollars and a few folds of wrapping paper in it. I was mad, burning mad. I jumped off the freight intending to go back, but I picked up a local paper and you know what I read? WOLFE: All about the murder of your friend, Mitch, with the statement that Carl had accused you of the crime and with the police believing him in view of your 'escape'. CAFFERY: That's it. WOLFE: Classical. Not at all original, but classical. And you fell for it. CAFFERY: I was young, then. And stupid. WOLFE: And then, you spent the intervening years hunting down the man you call Carl, am I correct? Or did he remain in your home town? CAFFERY: You bet your life he didn't! He knew I'd come back. No, he skipped. And I tramped the country from east to west, north to south, tramped if for years searching for him. And yesterday, I found him. I followed him, I saw how he's doing with his snazzy secretary and a thriving business and modern suite of offices on 39th floor of --. WOLFE: Yes, Mr. Caffery. You were about to make a mistake. On the 39th floor of what building? CAFFERY: Wouldn't you like to know. ARCHIE: Now see here, Caffery, if you expect Mr. Wolfe to help you -- CAFFERY: I don't want him to help me! I'll help myself, but if I fail, I know Mr Wolfe's reputation well enough to know that he'll never rest till this rotten, chiseling murderer is sitting in the chair. That's why I've come here, just to provide back-up in case my dear friend manages to get the best of me. WOLFE: And how will we know? CAFFERY: You see this envelope? Read what it says. WOLFE: 'Nero Wolfe -- 601 West 35th Street, New York. Deliver to him in case of my death. CAFFERY: That's right. In this envelope is $500, nearly all the money I've got in the world. Also, there are full details of the murder I described to you, the proof you'll need in case I fail. Tonight, Mr. Wolfe, I'm going to give this envelope to the manager of the hotel where I'm staying. If I'm not back in my hotel by one o'clock tomorrow afternoon, the manager will deliver this envelope to you. I'm calling on my friend at noon, right after his secretary goes to lunch. Is that clear? WOLFE: Perfectly. But you don't think I'm going to allow you to go through with this wild plan, do you? CAFFERY: You can't stop me, brother! SOUND: QUICK FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR. DOOR OPENS CAFFERY: And don't try to follow me, either of you. I'll lose you without any trouble at all. Good night! SOUND: DOOR SLAM ARCHIE: Shall I try to tail him, boss? WOLFE: It's no use, Archie. He's right. Knowing you're tailing him, he could lose you easily. ARCHIE: The guy's mad. Stark, raving mad! WOLFE: Yes, but he means every word he said, I'm sure of that. Get Inspector Kramer on the phone at once. MUSIC: THEME IN, THEN DOWN AND CONTINUED UNDER. ARCHIE: Wolfe called Inspector Kramer the minute Caffery left, asking for police help in heading off the murder. Kramer nearly laughed into the phone when Wolfe put it to him, taking action on a murder that hadn't even happened, but he got it out to the radio cars. It was two hours later, after Wolfe had started one of his other operatives out on his own check of midtown hotels, when Kramer called back. SOUND: TELEPHONE, ONE RING, THEN PICKUP KRAMER (VFX: OVER PHONE) Wolfe? WOLFE: Yes, Inspector? KRAMER (VFX: OVER PHONE) Might be I owe you an apology. Looks as if we've caught up with your red bearded friend. WOLFE: Caffery? KRAMER (VFX: OVER PHONE) Yes. WOLFE: Where? KRAMER (VFX: OVER PHONE) In a subway washroom. Not four blocks from your office. WOLFE: You say, ëCaught up with him,' Inspector -- KRAMER (VFX: OVER PHONE) The man I'm talking about is dead. If you want to send Goodwin down to the morgue here, we could use some help on the identification. MUSIC: DRAMATIC TRANSITION SOUND: TELEPHONE ONE RING, THEN PICKUP WOLFE: Nero Wolfe's office. ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) It's Archie, boss. WOLFE: You're at the morgue, I take it? ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) Yeah. It's Caffery all right. Mugged and stabbed. Wallet gone, pockets cleaned out and no envelope. WOLFE: And the $500? ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) Gone. WOLFE: Witnesses? ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) None so far. Homicide is calling it a straight mugging and robbery. WOLFE: As it well might look. Except for? ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) Except for a guy named Carl. How much do I tell Kramer about that? WOLFE: All of it. Ask the inspector to start queries on the original killing. ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) What year did it occur? And where? WOLFE: Don't be impertinent, Archie. It's our best chance of getting a description of this Carl person. The original killing, and the partnership. Starting from say, eight years ago and working backward to the middle twenties. Tell him to concentrate on towns along railway lines. ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) Putting out pictures of Caffery and -- WOLFE: Yes, pictures and dentistry. Fingerprints to Washington. Kramer will know how. ARCHIE: (VFX: OVER PHONE) And if I come across a haystack, do I keep an eye out for needles? WOLFE: We're going to find Carl, Archie. We're going to find him if it takes from now until doomsday! MUSIC: TRANSITION. ARCHIE: Mr Wolfe, let's face it. We're licked. WOLFE: Licked, Archie? ARCHIE: It's been three days now. Blank, blank and blank. Okay, we found Caffery's hotel here in New York. No traceable phone calls. And okay, we've got a girl wasting her beautiful blue eyes on back newspaper files at the library. No progress. Not a witness has turned up on the subway washroom party, and Kramer says he's getting nowhere with those answers from Washington. WOLFE: The original story is bound to come slowly, Archie. We're asking for a check on the unsolved killings from a dozen states over a twenty year period. And the principals weren't even known in the town where the killing took place. ARCHIE: Kramer's almost ready to put it down for what it looked like to start with, a mugging for the money he had on him. WOLFE: And you, Archie? ARCHIE: I'll stick with you. I think he found Carl, then Carl got the jump on him in that subway station. WOLFE: Then start trudging, Archie. ARCHIE: Trudging? WOLFE: Through office buildings. Through the thirty-seventh floor of many office buildings. You keep trudging till we find him. ARCHIE: Wait a minute, boss. This is a big city, remember? I might have to go through hundreds of buildings! WOLFE: This morning, the Municipal Reference Library informed me that there are exactly thirty-four buildings of thirty-seven floors or higher in Manhattan. Now, when you rule out the United Nations Building, hotels and -- ARCHIE: Okay, maybe not so many thirty-seventh floors, but lots of offices per floor. Maybe forty or fifty. Call it thirty times forty and you've still got twelve hundred to start with. And you don't know what kind of business, you don't know what Carl's read name is, you don't even know what he looks like. There could be four thousand men in those twelve hundred offices. WOLFE: Four thousand affluent men, Archie? ARCHIE: All right, Caffery said he was in the chips. For a guy who'd been bumming around, that could mean anything from ten grand a year up. Say that cuts your field to a thousand. WOLFE: A thousand tall men? ARCHIE: Tall? I've been over those notes. Caffery didn't say he was tall. WOLFE: In so many words, no. But, Caffery was almost your height, but he said ëMitch stood up and looked at me and then up at Carl'. ëUp', Archie. That makes Carl your height or taller. ARCHIE: Maybe Carrey and Mitch were sitting down, and Carl was -- WOLFE: Caffery told us the three were standing at the time. Check your notes. ARCHIE: Okay, maybe that cuts it down some. It's still a lot of citizens to start checking. WOLFE: You do have one other help, you know. ARCHIE: Age? WOLFE: Precisely. Caffery was fifty or more. Given that it was a partnership, and given the whole feel of Caffery's story, I doubt that Carl could have been much younger than the others. ARCHIE: Give him a wide margin and he'd still have to be forty or over today. WOLFE: And so we narrow it down. A man in town here three nights ago, almost surely tall, forty or over, reasonably prosperous, in business on the thirty-seventh floor of a Manhattan building. And a man not currently using the name he was born with, a man with an unexplained gap in his past. ARCHIE: I ought to be able to reach right out and tap him. WOLFE: You grow skeptical again, Archie? ARCHIE: It's still a pretty big haystack. WOLFE: Let's see if we can't trim it some more. On these building lists I've been going over, I've ruled out for now the members of professions requiring lengthy formal training; medical men, lawyers, scientists of most kinds. ARCHIE: Architects? Publishers? WOLFE: Architects out, publishers in. We're passing over older banks; family held concerns where no change of ownership has occurred for say, three decades; recently arrived foreigners, and of course non-profit making organizations where authentic. ARCHIE: Well that's chopping it down, I'll admit that. WOLFE: I'll have further eliminations as we get into it. I've got ninety-odd offices for you to start with and I'm putting another operative on a second list this afternoon. Some of the credit references I'll handle by phone. ARCHIE: So I start trudging? WOLFE: You start trudging. And remember, Archie, since you'll probably be operating through secretaries, we're looking for a murderer named Carl! Not for new phone numbers for your little black book. MUSIC: TRANSITION ARCHIE: Look Miss Steele, when I see a redhead like you, I say there's a girl with a boss smart enough to pick himself a one-girl public relations department. Probably a man who came up the hard way and who knows how to -- MISS STEELE: The hard way, Mr. Goodwin? It was Mr. Anderson's grandfather who started this business. MUSIC: FAST TRANSITION ARCHIE: Well, I guess you could call it a survey of executive resources, Miss Levin. Take the owner of this business, this J.J. Owens. If he's had experience in other fields outside of the glassware you sell, say if he were a plastics man -- MISS LEVIN: Mr Goodwin, J.J. Owens has never been a plastics man or any other kind of man. The ëJ.J.' stands for Jane Jennifer Owens. And I'm busy for lunch, if that's what you're leading up to. MUSIC: FAST TRANSITION MR. COWLES: Tall? I don't know what you're peddling, Goodwin, but if my boss put his elevator shoes on and stood on a box, he'd still be down somewhere around my necktie. If he stood on his money, however, we'd need a helicopter to get up near his shoelaces. MUSIC: FAST TRANSITION ARCHIE: Miss Tunis, do you mind if I sit down? TUNIS: Why of course not, Mr. Goodwin. ARCHIE: Thanks. Do you know, I've been in twelve offices on this floor and you're the first girl who's seen the importance of this survey? TUNIS: (PLEASED, SHY) Well, I'm sort of new here, and I try to pay attention when -- ARCHIE: You're not just beautiful, you've got a head on your shoulders. Is Mr. McLane in? TUNIS: He's at lunch right now, but -- ARCHIE: Lunch. That reminds me. Know any good restaurants up this way? TUNIS: Well, I was just going to the drugstore downstairs myself, but I wouldn't say -- ARCHIE: Come on. Put on your bonnet and let's skip the drugstore. This meal is on the executive resources survey. MUSIC: TRANSITION ARCHIE: There you are, boss. Results of a thorough search. WOLFE: Tinsley, McLane, Fernanez, Helm, and Kaplan. All five of them tall, all five a little misty in the background. You've done well, Archie. Very well. But I'm crossing off Fernandez and Kaplan. ARCHIE: Why? WOLFE: A credit bureau report clears Fernandez, and Kaplan was on a special war job. The FBI xrayed his record twice. ARCHIE: Leaving J.P. Tinsley, Carson McLane and Philip Helm. WOLFE: I'd like to see all three, Archie. Get them here one way or another. MUSIC: QUICK TRANSITION WOLFE: And so you do admit that Tinsely isn't your real name? TINSLEY: Mr. Wolfe, are you a blackmailer or what? WOLFE: I'm a licensed private investigator, sir. Any disclosure you make will be kept in confidence. TINSLEY: You've haven't said what the case is. WOLFE: And I don't intend to. If you'd prefer to explain this mysterious gap in your background at the district attorney's office -- TINSLEY: All right, Mr. Wolfe. I'm not scared of the D.A.'s office, but I'd rather handle this quietly. WOLFE: Good. Proceed. TINSLEY: I'm using the name Tinsley because I've got an un-divorced first wife out on the coast. We broke up twenty years ago, but she said she'd see to it that I never married again. If she knew where I was today, well, I don't say I'm a saint, but she's a vindictive woman. WOLFE: I see. May I have names, dates and places starting say, in 1924? MUSIC: TRANSITION MCLANE: I can't quite understand your interest, Mr. Wolfe. WOLFE: It's rather complicated to put briefly, Mr. McLane. I'm working in the interest of a client, I can tell you that. Our people have found this puzzling gap in your background and I'd appreciate such clarification as you may be able to supply. MCLANE: But I told your Mr. Goodwin. I was raised and educated in the Orient. Until ë32, I was in business with my father in China. WOLFE: Where you say your father died. MCLANE: Where my father died. With the depression, I returned to New York, starting this importing house in a small way, weathered through the early thirties, and I think my bankers can assure you of my standing today. WOLFE: They've done so. Carson McLane and Company has an excellent credit rating. MCLANE: Thank you, Mr. Wolfe. WOLFE: To switch somewhat abruptly, Mr McLane, would you happen to remember how you spent the evening of the nineteenth? MCLANE: Of this month? WOLFE: Of this month. MCLANE: Well, I could hardly...wait, you say the nineteenth. Would that have been a Tuesday? WOLFE: Yes, it was a Tuesday. MCLANE: That simplifies it. I'm nearly always at the office on Tuesday nights, dictating the revisions in our weekly wholesalers' list. Let me see. Yes, I was there on the nineteenth. Had a tray sent in, and Miss Tunis and I worked till just after midnight. WOLFE: Miss Helen Tunis, the secretary Mr. Goodwin spoke of? MCLANE: She's been with me for two or three months. WOLFE: Miss Tunis can confirm this dictations on the night of the nineteenth? MCLANE: Of course. But Mr. Wolfe, your manner is so persuasive that I'd scarcely realized you're asking some extraordinarily searching questions. May I ask why in the world you -- WOLFE: If you'll indulge me, Mr. McLane. My prying is nearly concluded. You say you were in China until 1932? MUSIC: TRANSITION WOLFE: Mr. Helm, I'll be brutally frank. We know that your name's not Helm, and we know that you served a prison term from ë34 to ë38 for arson. I'd like some straight answers. HELM: I didn't say I wouldn't answer your questions. WOLFE: Your past will remain your own, provided -- HELM: Look, Mr. Wolfe, I've been going straight for twelve years, and this insulation business of mine is on the level. If this is a shakedown -- WOLFE: I'm asking where you were on the night of the nineteenth. HELM: And I'm telling you I stayed in town, ate alone, and went to a movie. I caught the 11:35 train for Stamford, and that's all there is to it. WOLFE: You're denying that you were ever in business in the south? HELM: I was born in the south, but I haven't been back there since I was a kid. WOLFE: And the arson? HELM: I put in four years squaring for that mistake. WOLFE: Let's start again, Mr. Helm. You say you were in Cincinnati in 1931? HELM: (FADING OUT) Thirty, and thirty-one -- MUSIC: TRANSITION ARCHIE: Okay, Mr. Wolfe. Three candidates and we're still stuck on our own one yard line. Helm, McLane, Tinsley. No, rule out McLane. He gave enough references for those years in China, and with Helen Tunis, he's got the one firm alibi we've laid onto. Caffery got it before midnight. WOLFE: With conditions as they are in the Far East, Archie, it could be weeks before cables come back in McLane's claims. ARCHIE: Claims? You figure the whole Chinese background is a fake? WOLFE: I want you to see Miss Tunis again, Archie, taking all precautions for her safety, and this is one time I give you permission to ply her with all the attentions you can contrive. ARCHIE: Are you far enough to put tails on any of these three? WOLFE: Already done. Tails on all three, and I sent pictures to Inspector Kramer for circulation in the south. ARCHIE: No answer yet from the coast about Tinsley? WOLFE: Not yet. For the moment, Archie, you'll concentrate on Helen Tunis. MUSIC: TRANSITION ARCHIE: Helen, I've got to see you tonight. TUNIS: Well, Archie, I'd love to but -- ARCHIE: Look, Helen, I phoned you to come out in the corridor this way because I didn't want McLane to know we're talking. Do you still say you got that new mink coat on your own money? TUNIS: Mr. Goodwin, I don't know what right you have to -- ARCHIE: Helen, if you can get your boss to buy you stuff it's your business. But -- TUNIS: Mr. McLane said his wife might be sending detectives around. Well, you can go back to old Mrs. McLane and tell her -- ARCHIE: Easy, Helen. Easy. TUNIS: We WERE working that night, and -- ARCHIE: You know, Helen, the harder you lie, the prettier you look. If this is a fake alibi, and if you keep propping it up you're going to find yourself in trouble. BAD trouble. How about it, do I see you at your apartment tonight? Or would you rather come down with me to Nero Wolfe's right now? TUNIS: Archie, I -- (BEAT) All right, I can't go with you now, and I've got a dinner date I can't break. But I'll try to be back at my apartment by eleven. MUSIC: TRANSITION SOUND: PHONE RINGING, HANDSET UP ARCHIE (VFX: ON PHONE LINE): This is Archie, Mr. Wolfe. I'm at Helen Tunis' apartment. WOLFE: Well? ARCHIE (VFX: ON PHONE LINE): I could cut my throat for not making her come with me this afternoon. WOLFE: What's wrong? ARCHIE (VFX: ON PHONE LINE): You wouldn't believe it, Mr. Wolfe. I got here three minutes ago and found her dead. She's been strangled to death. Couldn't have happened more than half an hour ago. WOLFE: McLane. ARCHIE (VFX: ON PHONE LINE): Right, it must be McLane. Didn't you assign someone to tail him? WOLFE: It was a new man, and he lost him. I should have left you on McLane, Archie. ARCHIE (VFX: ON PHONE LINE): We were both wrong. What do you want me to do? WOLFE: Inform the police immediately. ARCHIE (VFX: ON PHONE LINE): This is 32nd Street. I'm only three blocks from the office. What if I come back to you and call from there? WOLFE: Come back, then. I'll call Kramer myself. MUSIC: TRANSITION SOUND: KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. ARCHIE: Mr. Wolfe, I'm still kicking myself for -- WOLFE: Look out, Archie! MCLANE: Too late, Mr. Wolfe. Keep coming right in, Goodwin. With your hands up. NO! I wouldn't try that. WOLFE: McLane -- MCLANE: And keep your hand out of that desk drawer, Wolfe! WOLFE: This time, YOU'RE too late, McLane. My hand's in the drawer and I think I'll leave it there. MCLANE: You don't think I'd shoot? WOLFE: I'm sure you would. But you've got two of us to cover now. NO Archie! Don't try to draw. Not yet. ARCHIE: How'd you get in here, McLane? MCLANE: Ask your brilliant employer, and keep those hands steady. WOLFE: Archie, my sense of shame is as keen at the moment as any knife ever wielded by our Mr. McLane here. He surprised me after breaking in through the downstairs kitchen. And of course, it had to be Fritz' night off. MCLANE: I caught your fat friend just two seconds before he could call the police, Goodwin. I overheard his talk with you from the hallway, there. WOLFE: My apologies for not crying out sooner, Archie. ARCHIE: It was my fault, Mr. Wolfe. I should have -- WOLFE: The fault was mine. There was an exceedingly tasteless scarf in my mouth serving as a makeshift gag. When McLane swung over to cover you as you came through the door, it took me a moment to expel it. MCLANE: Too bad you wasted time putting your hand in that drawer. Why don't you pull it out now without the gun, Wolfe. WOLFE: I refuse to, McLane. It seems obvious that you mean to kill us in any case. MCLANE: I'm afraid that's true. Up to now, I didn't see how they could get me for that old knifing or for the murder in the subway bathroom, but when you called me in for questioning and Goodwin started making dates with Helen Tunis -- ARCHIE: Leave her out of this! She didn't tell me anything. MCLANE: I know, but she didn't tell ME anything, either. A little warning would have been nice. I've been concerned about you two ever since the night I followed Colby here. ARCHIE: Colby? MCLANE: You knew him as Caffery. Doesn't matter since I caught up with him in that subway washroom. No! Keep that had up, Archer. And watch it, Wolfe. Don't move that hand in the drawer. When I found that envelope on him and read the letter I knew he hadn't spilled the entire South Carolina story to you. WOLFE: South Carolina. Would the original knifing have taken place anywhere near Hampton or Jasper counties? MCLANE: Hampton County. But our business was over the line in Georgia. It doesn't matter now. WOLFE: A shame, Archie. We learned this afternoon that we were getting warm on South Carolina. Mr. McLane, may I ask what you hope to achieve by this insane project of disposing of Mr. Goodwin and myself? MCLANE: I'm buying time, Wolfe. Same as I had to do this afternoon when Helen Tunis starting asking embarrassing questions. I've ninety thousand in small bills in the bag there. Plus a plane ticket to Buenos Aires. Passport and tickets in a name neither you nor the police know about. I've got a silencer on this gun, and if you two aren't found till tomorrow morning, I'll be out of the country before they even start looking for me. WOLFE: You're forgetting, sir, this is not your first murder today. Helen Tunis? MCLANE: Goodwin left it to you to report that, remember? WOLFE: Let's remind ourselves to be prompter on reporting deaths, Archie. ARCHIE: Starting with our own. MCLANE: Glad you're taking it so well, Goodwin. ARCHIE: I'm not taking anything, McLane. Do you actually think you can knock the two of us off? MCLANE: We're about to find out. WOLFE: One moment! You've never been a real gambler, McLane. You played with marked cards with your partners so I don't think you're going to take a real chance now. MCLANE: A real chance? WOLFE: The loss of your life. A surety within seconds after you pull that trigger. MCLANE: I have a silencer, remember? Do you think anyone will hear the shots? WOLFE: It's not the sound of the shots you should be concerned with. It's the number of them. My hand's on a pistol in this drawer, and Mr. Goodwin has a thirty-eight in his shoulder holster. Whichever one of us you shoot first, the other will have amble opportunity to return fire. MCLANE: You can't shoot through the desk and Goodwin won't get the chance to draw. WOLFE: You're an intelligent man, McLane. Vicious, but intelligent. May I describe the certainty of your immediate death if you don't throw that pistol of yours on the desk and give yourself up? MCLANE: There's two of you, I know that. But -- WOLFE: McLane, you must be aware that very few men are killed instantly by a single bullet, even from a pistol of heavy caliber. I assure you, neither of us will surrender the weapons we have. Should you start shooting, we'll both do our best to draw and keep firing until you are dead. MCLANE: You're stalling. And what do I have to lose by trying for both of you right now? WOLFE: Your life, of course. Or to be exact, the six or eight weeks your life will be extended for the necessary time to bring you to trial, convict and execute you for the murders you have committed. Perhaps longer. Perhaps even months. But definitely longer than the mere seconds promised you by your current path. MCLANE: If I start shooting now, are you trying to say -- WOLFE: I'm informing you, as clearly as I can, that you may kill one of us, but the other will surely kill you. MCLANE: But if I put the first one through Goodwin's heart -- WOLFE: I wouldn't start with Mr. Goodwin, McLane. He's young and tough and I'm sure he'll move in the split second that your finger tightens on the trigger making an accurate shot at his heart a difficult feat indeed. MCLANE: All right, suppose I cancel YOU out, and take my chances with Goodwin? WOLFE: A better choice, but still a dubious one. I'm fat. Exceedingly fat, and for perhaps the first time in my life, I thoroughly grateful for it. You see, my bulk affects the calculation, McLane. ARCHIE: Hey, that's right. You could pull off all seven shots, McLane, and still not hit Mr. Wolfe where it counts. WOLFE: You exaggerate, Archie. But I thank you for the gallantry of it. It's quite likely that with two or three shots, Mr. McLane might well dispose of me. But not with his first shot. And we'll not permit you any more than your first. MCLANE: Uh...look, if I promise to do no more than tie you two up, to give me a head start, will you toss in your guns. WOLFE: Of course not. Do I speak for us both, Archie ARCHIE: Check. I say let's start it now. MCLANE: Wolfe, if I give you half of what's in that bag, would you forget this admissions I've made and help on my defense. WOLFE: I've told you I refuse to bargain. And frankly, I am beginning to share Mr. Goodwin's feeling that this undignified strain isn't to be tolerated further. I think that I shall count five. If your weapon hasn't been tossed on this desk by then, I'll do my best to get pistol into action. Are you in accord, Archie? ARCHIE: Start counting. MCLANE: Wait a minute, Mr. Wolfe -- WOLFE: One -- MCLANE: If I trade half that bag for no shooting and a one hour's head start. No tying up, just your promise that -- WOLFE: Two -- MCLANE: All the bag for a half hours head start! Ninety thousand! WOLFE: Three. Are you ready, Archie? ARCHIE: All set, sir. Except, do me a favor: if you're the one who walks out of this, call up every number in my little black book and tell each one I was thinking of her just before you got to five. WOLFE: Agreed. I resume; Four -- (BEAT) MCLANE: OKAY! Okay, you win. SOUND: GUN TOSSED ON DESK ARCHIE: Holy Sweet Susan, it worked! I can't believe it worked. WOLFE: A commendable choice, McLane. For us, at least. You see, I'm afraid I forgot to mention one slight factor which might have operated in your favor. ARCHIE: What's that boss? WOLFE: I must confess, Archie, that my forty-five is in the upstairs den where I took it to oil it last night. ARCHIE: Holy Cow! You didn't have a gun?! MCLANE: Why you dirty, rotten -- ARCHIE: Easy, McLane. I've really got one. Oh, and by the way Mr Wolfe, signals off on calling those women. I'll call them myself when my heart gets back down out of my throat. WOLFE: I'll trouble you for a beer first, Archie. And then, if you'll be good enough to phone Inspector Kramer, you can bid him come pick up his triple murderer. The one time cutter of cards who -- lucky for us -- has never been a real gambler! MUSIC: END THEME CREDITS