The Judy Canova Show Candy for Valentine's Day Date: Feb 09 1946 CAST:
ANNOUNCER
JUDY CANOVA, comedic hillbilly songstress
AUNT AGGIE, Judy's aunt
GERANIUM, housekeeper
PEDRO, broad Mexican accent
ROSCOE, obnoxious salesman
BENCHLEY, Judy's wealthy suitor
MA, Judy's mother
PA, Judy's father
LUKE, a hillbilly suitor
plus a singing QUARTET
and a singing CHORUS
and five LADIESANNOUNCER: From Hollywood, "The Judy Canova Show," brought to you each week by the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet company, makers of Palmolive Soap and Colgate Tooth Powder! MUSIC: THEME ... THEN BEHIND-- ANNOUNCER: Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Colgate Tooth Powder, for a breath that's sweet, present "The Judy Canova Show" with Mel Blanc, Ruby Dandridge, Joe Kearns, Ruth Perrott, George Neise, The Sportsmen, Opie Cates and His Orchestra -- and starring Judy Canova! SOUND: APPLAUSE MUSIC: LIVELY INTRODUCTION TO 1919 SONG "HOW 'YA GONNA KEEP 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM? (AFTER THEY'VE SEEN PAREE)" BY WALTER DONALDSON, JOE YOUNG & SAM M. LEWIS ... THEN ACCOMPANIES JUDY AND CHORUS-- JUDY: (SINGS) How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm After they've seen Paree? How ya gonna keep 'em away from the city? Chasin' around, And paintin' the town? How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm? It's a mystery; CHORUS: (SINGS) Imagine Reuben when he meets his pa-- JUDY: (SINGS) He'll kiss his cheek and holler "ooh-la-la!" CHORUS: (SINGS) How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm After they've seen Paree? MUSIC: BRISK TEMPO SLOWS CONSIDERABLY FOR JUDY'S SOLILOQUY CHORUS: (SINGS, REVERENTLY) Keep the home fires burning-- (HUMS, IN BG) JUDY: (SPEAKS) I tell ya, folks, it's a problem. Now, you take my boyfriend Chester. He went away. And he swore he'd be back to the farm someday. He said, "Gal, I'm a-leavin' the farm work all up to you." Now, warn't that nice of Chester to do? ... So I pitched right in and milked the cows, And plowed the fields, and fed the sows. One day I plowed thirty acres. Got a mite tired of course. Bet I coulda plowed thirty more -- if I'd-a had a horse. ... Then I kept good and warm all winter, through snow and ice By readin' "Forever Amber" -- twice. ... And then come Spring, I sort of put on the dog-- Hung up a brand new taxi-color catty-logue. But I sure missed Chester to help with the chores. Then one day at last he come in through the door. He was dressed fit to kill in a ready-made suit, And he had a blonde floozy along with him, to boot. ... So boot her I did ... and they both left that day. Now I'm alone again. So that's why I say-- (SINGS, BRISK TEMPO AGAIN) Ohhhhhhh, how ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm After they've seen Paree? How ya gonna keep 'em away from the city? Racin' around, And paintin' the town? How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm? That's the mystery; CHORUS: (SINGS) They'll never want to see a rake or plow, JUDY: (SINGS) And who the heck can parley-vous a cow? JUDY AND CHORUS: (SING) How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm After they've seen Paree? MUSIC: SONG ENDS SOUND: APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: Well, it's still a few days until Valentine's Day and Judy is hopeful she'll be swamped with valentines from her admirers. As our scene opens, she's talking to Aunt Aggie. JUDY: Just think, Aunt Aggie, it's still five days till Valentine's Day and already I got a box of candy and one valentine. AGGIE: You did, Judy? That's quite a compliment. JUDY: Well, I don't know whether it is or not. Listen to what the valentine says. (READS) Your clothes are really pretty cheap. And speaking of your sweater, Give back the wool to those poor sheep. On them it looks much better. ... AGGIE: Poor Judy. You never seem to get anywhere romantically. JUDY: Oh, I did all right in Cactus Junction. Back there, I had men by the score. AGGIE: You did? JUDY: Yeah, that's how I got 'em. They didn't know the score! ... One handsome young feller named Homer was real fine to me. AGGIE: Was he unattached? JUDY: Unattached? Shucks, he was practically falling apart. ... Before he met me, he was going steady with a hot water bottle. ... With no top. ... AGGIE: Did he have a good job, Judy? JUDY: Oh, yeah. Homer worked in a war plant, but one day he got caught in the conveyor belt and went out on the assembly line. AGGIE: Gracious, Judy! What happened to him? JUDY: Well, I ain't sure, but if you ever see a P-Thirty-Eight eatin' a sandwich, that's Homer! ... SOUND: DOOR OPENS JUDY: Oh, howdy, Geranium. Whatcha got there? GERANIUM: Valentines, Miss Judy, from my boyfriend Pomeroy to his little seventeen jewel! Yeah, that's what he calls me when he puts his arm around my waist. (CHUCKLES) ... JUDY: Seventeen jewel, huh? GERANIUM: Yeah, honey. Ha ha ha! I'm curved to fit his wrist! ... AGGIE: Geranium, what kind of valentines did Pomeroy send you? GERANIUM: Well, listen to this one, ma'am -- ain't it cute? (READS) I hope I make this love note clear, And please don't think I'm callous, But when I build my dream boat, dear, I want you for my ballast. ... JUDY: Aw, now ain't that sweet, Geranium? Read the ballast of it. GERANIUM: Say, you know, Miss Judy, I guess Pomeroy really thinks I'm shipshape, honey. JUDY: Oh, you are, Geranium, but your cargo seems to have shifted a little bit. ... Say, uh, what'd he write on that other valentine? GERANIUM: Oh, I like this one best. Listen-- (READS) Your cooking got me from the start -- Hot biscuits, homemade jelly! The nearest way to reach my heart Is really though my ----- appetite. ... JUDY: Say, Geranium, look what I got this morning. Somebody sent me a ten-pound box of chocolates and bonbons. Here, have one. GERANIUM: Oh, thank you, Miss Judy. I'll take this pink bonbon with the cherry on the end of it. JUDY: Geranium, that's my thumb with red nail polish. ... GERANIUM: Oh. Say, who do you suppose sent that candy, Miss Judy? JUDY: I don't know, but I'd sure like to. Oh, it was probably some romantic feller who wanted to keep his in-dent-ity a secret. He'll probably walk up to me and say-- PEDRO: (INTERRUPTS) Pardon me for talking in your face, señorita. ... JUDY: Oh, hello, Pedro. Whatcha got there? PEDRO: Well, señorita, my girl sent back this valentine package. She didn't like the big red heart. JUDY: But, Pedro, ain't a red heart a sign of gen-yoo-ine love? PEDRO: Señorita, this red heart is a sign of gen-yoo-ine dog food. ... You know, I think my girlfriend's father is in the trucking business. JUDY: Yeah? What makes ya think that? PEDRO: Well, last Saturday I heard her mother say, "Here comes papa with another load." ... JUDY: Pedro, how'd he get in that condition? PEDRO: Well, señorita, he went to a party. At midnight, everybody started playing a game called "Who Am I?" And by two o'clock they weren't kidding. ... JUDY: Goll-lee! He must be quite a rounder. PEDRO: Si, but since he saw "The Lost Weekend," he is a changed man. Boy, did that picture scare him. JUDY: Did he give up drinkin'? PEDRO: No, he gave up going to the movies. ... You know, señorita, I bet on a horse called Lost Weekend, and Lost Weekend sure was a good name for him. JUDY: Why, Pedro? PEDRO: Well, I bet on him Friday and he didn't show up till Monday. ... Oh, look, señorita, I wrote a poem about the races. Would you like to read it? JUDY: Yeah, let's see it. (BEAT) Hmm, this looks pretty good. Says-- (READS) A feller named Pedro went to the track, Took six hundred dollars and didn't bring it back. There were horses to the left of him, horses to the right of him, Horses in front of him volleyed and thundered. Into the valley of death rode Pedro's six hun-dered. ... SOUND: APPLAUSE MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS SWINGING INSTRUMENTAL OF 1945 SONG "I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT" BY JIMMY McHUGH & HAROLD ADAMSON SOUND: APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: That was Opie Cates, his clarinet, and his orchestra playing "I Don't Care Who Knows It." MUSIC: FOR DREAMY JINGLE, BEHIND QUARTET-- QUARTET: (SINGS) Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Keep smiling just right. Use it each morning And use it each night. Don't take a chance with your romance. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. ANNOUNCER: Now a message from Colgate Tooth Powder: "A breath of spring is most enthusable / But a breath of trouble is inexcusable." There's more truth than poetry to that because a breath of trouble -- I mean unpleasing breath -- can mark you down, ruin your romance, make you unpopular. It's happened to thousands without their knowing. Don't you take a chance. Just do this. Brush your teeth night and morning, and before every date, with Colgate Tooth Powder. For Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your breath as it cleans your teeth. Yes, scientific tests have definitely proved that in seven cases out of ten Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. What's more, no dentifrice at any price cleans your teeth more quickly and thoroughly than Colgate Tooth Powder. Remember to buy it first thing and remember the name -- Colgate Tooth Powder, with the accent on powder. MUSIC: FOR DREAMY JINGLE, BEHIND QUARTET-- QUARTET: (SINGS) Don't take a chance with your romance. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. MUSIC: UP AND OUT JUDY: Geranium, who do you suppose sent me this Valentine's candy? GERANIUM: Well, Miss Judy, do you suppose it was that fellow who tried to flirt with you yesterday? JUDY: No, I discouraged that feller. When he tried to flirt, I turned on him and said, "Listen here, sailor. I'm a nice respectable girl who lives at One-Four-Seven-Six Ravenhurst Drive and don't you try to follow me 'less you walk faster." ... GERANIUM: Say, you know something, honey? I like sailors! They're such happy people. JUDY: Yes, sailors sure are happy. Whenever you pass one on the street, he's whistling. GERANIUM: Yes. ... JUDY: But Marines are even happier. GERANIUM: Marines are happier than sailors? I wonder why. JUDY: Their pants fit. GERANIUM: Oh. ... SOUND: KNOCKING AT DOOR, WHICH OPENS JUDY: Oh, howdy, mister. ROSCOE: Hello, girlie! You remember me?! JUDY: Oh, yeah. You're that traveling salesman feller. ROSCOE: Yep! Roscoe P. Wortle's the name. JUDY: What does the "P" stand for? ROSCOE: Prescription. When I was born, my old man got one look at me and took a powder! Yah-hoo! ... Ain't that a ding-donger?! You tell 'em, Gypsy Rose! No one's got anything on you! Yah-hoo! ... JUDY: Say, mister, what are ya sellin' this time? ROSCOE: I'm sellin' a line of valentines, girlie. I got "Roses are red" valentines, "I love ya truly" valentines, "Baby, I miss ya" valentines, and "Honey, don't take the train to Reno until we decide who gets the custody of the butter" valentines. ... JUDY: Have you sold any yet? ROSCOE: Yessirree, bub! My biggest seller is song valentines. Say, did you hear the Broken Girdle Song? JUDY: The Broken Girdle Song? ROSCOE: Yeah, "June Is Bustin' Out All Over"! (LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY) ... Ain't that a wang-dilly?! (LAUGHS) ... Wish I could ad lib, I'd throw somethin' in here! ... Say! That's pretty good for a young feller, huh? JUDY: Shucks, mister, you ain't so young. ROSCOE: Why, sis, I'm only twenty-five -- take it or leave it. JUDY: You mean you're twenty-five, double or nothin'! ... ROSCOE: Now, wait a minute, girlie. Let's both go to a neutral corner and start over. (SUDDENLY LOUD) You tell 'em, Boxing Glove! I'm a little punchy! Yah-hoo-hoo! ... You know, I make up this stuff myself out of my head. JUDY: No foolin'? How long have you been out of your head? ... ROSCOE: Why, there's nothin' wrong with me, girlie. You can tell that by lookin' into my face. Just look into my face. JUDY: Okay, mister. And believe me, your face needs lookin' into. ... ROSCOE: All right, girlie, I can take a hint. I'll scram. I'm gonna make a noise like a bourbon-and-soda and highball out of here! (MOVES OFF, LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY) SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS ROSCOE EXITS JUDY: Gosh, if I had some eggs to mix with that corn, I sure could turn out some good fritters. ... Geranium, I still can't figure out who sent me that box of candy. GERANIUM: Say, honey, maybe Mr. Benchley Botsford sent that candy. JUDY: Now, you know somethin'? That could be, Geranium. Benchley is rich. He could afford ten pounds. His aunt left him a million dollars. GERANIUM: She did?! JUDY: Yeah, but that money don't influence me. I'd marry him no matter who left it to him. GERANIUM: Yes. ... SOUND: DOOR OPENS PEDRO: Oh, señorita?! JUDY: What is it, Pedro? PEDRO: Señor Benchford Botched-up is in the living room. JUDY: Well, show him in, Pedro. PEDRO: Si. (MOVING OFF, TO BENCHLEY) Come in. BENCHLEY: Hello, Judy. JUDY: Howdy, Benchley. BENCHLEY: Oh, Judy, it's good to see you. Let me look at you. (POETICALLY) "Ah, she is beautiful, therefore to be wooed. / She is a woman, therefore to be won." W. Shakespeare. JUDY: (RESPONDS IN KIND) "Ah, he is handsome! He is a man! / Therefore I ain't gonna bother with the rest of it!" J. Canova! ... BENCHLEY: Oh, Judy, you're so cute. Can I kiss you? JUDY: Shucks, I guess you can. Most fellers has been able to. ... BENCHLEY: Well, Judy, do you let a man kiss you with the lights on or off? JUDY: Yes, Benchley. ... Say, Benchley, did you send me this box of Valentine's candy? BENCHLEY: No, Judy, but that's a pretty fancy box of chocolates. I must have a rival. This looks like a fly in the ointment! JUDY: No, that's just a raisin in the peanut cluster. ... Gee, I wonder if my old boyfriend Roger sent me this candy. Roger used to take me on dates. BENCHLEY: He did? JUDY: Yes. And you know, Roger liked Veronica Lake so much that one Saturday night I decided to comb my hair down over my eyes. Gee, we had a wonderful date. BENCHLEY: Where'd he take you? JUDY: I don't know, I couldn't see a thing. ... BENCHLEY: Well, I've got to dash, Judy. I'm going to the Hollywood Men's Shop. JUDY: You are? Gee, will you do me a favor? BENCHLEY: Well, sure, Judy. What is it? JUDY: When you get to the Hollywood Men's Shop, have 'em send one over to me! ... SOUND: APPLAUSE MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS 1926 SONG "GIMME A LITTLE KISS, WILL YA, HUH?" BY ROY TURK, JACK SMITH, & MACEO PINKARD ... ACCOMPANIES JUDY & CHORUS-- JUDY AND CHORUS: (SING) Gimme a little kiss, will ya, huh? Whadda ya gonna miss, will ya, huh? Gosh oh gee, why do you refuse? I can't see what you've got to lose! Oh, gimme a little squeeze, will ya, huh? Why do you wanna make me blue? I wouldn't say a thing if I was asking for the world, But what's a little kiss between a feller and his girl? Oh, give me a little kiss, will ya, huh? And I'll give it right back to you! [2nd chorus] Gimme a little coat, will ya, huh? Sable or mink or goat, will ya, huh? My poor wrist is bare as it can be. Won't you buy a golden band for me? Oh, give me a little car, will ya, huh? That would be mighty nice of you. An aeroplane, a motorboat, some pearls, or diamond rings, But, honey, if you feel you can't afford to buy those things, Then give me a little kiss, will ya, huh? And I'll give it right back to you! (Back to you!) MUSIC: SONG ENDS SOUND: APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: Remember, doctors proved Palmolive's beauty results. It's proved! Doctors proved Palmolive Soap can bring two out of three women a more beautiful complexion in just fourteen days. And this plan was tested on women with all types of skin. LADY: Even women with dry skin? 2ND LADY: Oily skin? 3RD LADY: Rough skin? 4TH LADY: Women as old as fifty? 5TH LADY: Even women whose skin wasn't clear? ANNOUNCER: Yes! Thirty-six doctors, leading skin specialists, have proved the Fourteen-Day Palmolive Plan improves all types of skin. Yes, brings fresher, brighter, younger-looking complexions. Start your Fourteen-Day Palmolive Plan now. It's as simple as one-two-three. Here's all you do. One! LADY: Wash your face with Palmolive soap! ANNOUNCER: Two-- LADY: Then massage your face for sixty seconds with Palmolive's soft lovely lather. You see, one full minute of this cleansing massage brings your skin Palmolive's full beautifying effects. ANNOUNCER: Three-- LADY: Then rinse. Do this just three times a day for fourteen days. ANNOUNCER: And that's all! Remember, doctors proved this beauty plan with Palmolive Soap brought two out of three of all women tested a more beautiful complexion in just fourteen days no matter what beauty care they used before. So get Palmolive Soap. See what Palmolive can do for your own complexion in only fourteen days. LADY: And for tub or shower, for loveliness all over, get the new big thrifty bath size Palmolive. MUSIC: TAG AGGIE: Judy, why are you looking through the photograph album? JUDY: Aunt Aggie, I'm looking for pictures of my old boyfriends in Cactus Junction. I'm trying to get a clue to who sent me that candy for Valentine's Day. AGGIE: Judy, could it be this young man? JUDY: No, no, that's cousin Gooney. He had a large mole on his left shoulder. Sure did attract attention. AGGIE: Well, what's so unusual about a large mole? JUDY: Everybody used to feed it peanuts. ... He's a big eater, too. He's a big eater. AGGIE: Judy, who is this young man in the album? JUDY: By golly, Aunt Aggie! I bet he's the one who sent me the candy. His name is Luke. He was my very first boyfriend. But Pa and Ma broke up our romance. AGGIE: They did, Judy? How did that happen? JUDY: Well, it's a long story. One Valentine's Day back in Cactus Junction, Ma was talkin' to Pa-- (FADES OUT) SOUND: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE INTO FLASHBACK ... MA & PA'S VOICES ARE EXAGGERATEDLY LETHARGIC MA: (FADES IN) Wake up, Pa -- ya lazy critter. PA: (YAWNS) Is that coffee I smell? MA: It is. And you do. ... PA: What time is it, Ma? MA: Freb-roo-ary. ... You been a-sleepin' since Ju-ly. PA: Feel right rested, too. ... MA: Pa, ya got egg on your face. PA: Is it near mah mouth? ... MA: Nope. PA: Doggone, and I was right hongry, too. ... MA: Whatcha thinkin' of, Pa? PA: Our little girl, Judy. Thinkin' how she looks more like you every day. MA: Oh, what's the difference, long as she's healthy? ... Pa, look out yonder. PA: What's out chonder, Ma? MA: Our kids is in the yard. I can only count fourteen. One o' our young'uns is a-missin'. PA: One? Gosh, Ma, you sure are a stickler for detail. ... How can we be sure one is missin'? MA: Look in the bathtub and count the rings. ... PA: What's a bathtub? ... Come to think of it, Zeke says the dogcatcher picked up Rance. MA: I told you we should have give that boy a haircut. ... PA: Couldn't, Ma. His head was a-gettin' too big for the sugar bowl. ... MA: Ain't we got no other bowl you could use on Rance, Pa? PA: Yep, but his ears keep gettin' stuck in the handles. ... Too bad, too. His head just fit that long gravy bowl. ... MA: Look, Pa. Here comes Judy's feller Luke up on the porch. PA: Should I let him in, Ma? MA: Set right where ya are, Pa. Don't get up. PA: Why not? MA: Don't want them hatchin' eggs to get cold. ... SOUND: DOOR CREAKS OPEN LUKE: Howdy, folks. MA: Howdy, Luke. Set down. LUKE: Well, I don't know. Has the furniture been cleaned lately? MA: Yeah, but we can clean it again after you go. ... LUKE: Hey, is Judy here? I got a Valentine fer her. MA: Are you a-courtin' Judy, Lukey? LUKE: Yep. I wanna marry her! (GOOFY BASHFUL LAUGH) ... MA: Well, Judy ain't much to look at. LUKE: Oh, it don't matter. I'll be away from home most of the time. ... PA: Say, Luke, is this true love? LUKE: Shore is! PA: Would you love Judy any more than you do now if she had a lot of money? Say, a thousand dollars? LUKE: I shore would not. PA: Then get out! We don't want no fools in this family! ... LUKE: I reckon I better change my mind about gettin' married. MA: Luke, you can't back out now. LUKE: Oh, I can, too! PA: You just try and I'll shoot you right between the eyes. MA: Better aim some'heres else, Pa. There ain't no space between Luke's eyes. ... [???] (FADES OUT) SOUND: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... AS FLASHBACK ENDS JUDY: (FADES IN) And, Aunt Aggie, that was the end of my romance with Luke. AGGIE: Well, Judy, do you think he sent the candy? JUDY: No, Aunt Aggie, but I sure wish I knew who did. SOUND: PHONE RINGS JUDY: Oh, I'll get the phone, Aunt Aggie. SOUND: RECEIVER UP JUDY: (INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Yes, this is Judy Canova. -- Oh! You're the one who sent the candy! Well, I wondered about that. Thanks a lot. Goodbye. SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN AGGIE: Oh, Judy, who was it? JUDY: Rubel's Grocery and Delicatessen. AGGIE: What? JUDY: Yeah, you know, they had a guessing contest to see who could tell the right number of beans in a jar, and I won the prize. I guessed five hundred and fifty thousand, two hundred and six beans. No wonder they sent that little note with the candy. AGGIE: What did the note say? JUDY: "To Judy Canova, the only girl in town who really counts." ... MUSIC: CURTAIN SOUND: APPLAUSE JUDY: Folks, here's a song that's one of my favorites. I hope you like it, too. MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS 1945 BALLAD "I CAN'T BEGIN TO TELL YOU" BY JAMES V. MONACO AND MACK GORDON ... ACCOMPANIES JUDY WHO SINGS IT STRAIGHT-- JUDY: (SINGS) I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me. My world would end if ever we were through. I can't begin to tell you how happy I would be If I could speak my mind like others do. I make such pretty speeches whenever we're apart, But when you're near the words I choose refuse to leave my heart. So take the sweetest phrases the world has ever known And make believe I've said them all to you. MUSIC: SONG ENDS SOUND: APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: This is Verne Smith asking you to follow the Fourteen-Day Palmolive Plan for a lovelier complexion, and don't take a chance with your romance, use Colgate Tooth Powder night and morning, and before every date. Ladies, there's still a colossal shortage of industrial fats and one result is a shortage of soap in your stores. Remember, too, fat is needed in the manufacture of nylons, textiles, electrical appliances, baby carriages, and scores of other peacetime products. That's why Secretary of Agriculture Anderson asks you to keep on salvaging all the used cooking fats you can, for it's needed in the manufacture of soap and other industrial uses. Remember, ladies -- where there's fat, there's soap! Keep on saving it. Your butcher still pays four cents a pound for used cooking fats. And now, here's Judy. MUSIC: FOR CLOSING, IN BG JUDY: Folks, it was awfully nice bein' with you tonight and I hope we'll all be together again next Saturday night. In the meantime, please don't forget the two products that bring us together each week -- Palmolive Soap and Colgate Tooth Powder, the bestest in the world. This is Judy Canova from Hollywood singin'-- (SINGS) Go to sleepy, little baby. Go to sleepy, little baby. SOUND: APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: "The Judy Canova Show" is written by Fred Fox and Henry Hoople. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company. SOUND & MUSIC: FADES OUT FOR-- MUSIC: NBC CHIMES