The Plot to Overthrow Christmas by Norman Corwin MUSIC: One finger version of Jingle Bells, interrupted by... SFX: Loud thunder Announcer: The Columbia Workshop presents: The Plot to Overthrow Christmas, written and directed by Norman Corwin. SFX: Cymbal crash Announcer: Did you hear about the plot to overthrow Christmas? Well, gather ye now from Maine to the Isthmus of Panama, and listen to the story Of the utter inglory Of some gory goings-on in hell. Now it happened in Hades, Ladies And gentlemen, It happened down there that fiends held a meeting. The fiends held a meeting for the purpose of defeating-- Christmas. With the aid of a fade, A fade on the radio, We'll take you there with a hi and hey-di-ho! To hear first hand the brewing of a plot Down in the deepest stygian grott. Sotto voce: (Confidentially) "Grott" is a poetical term for grotto. (Whenever you hear my voce sotto Or sotto voce, whichever you prefer, It's just I, taking pains to make quite sure That nobody makes a poetical allusion Which might, in any way, create confusion.) I return you now to the voice you were hearing Before I had to do this interfering. Announcer: In this stygian grott The notables of limbo hatched a plot And what went on in the sulphurous hole We'll soon pick up by remote control. Of course, such a pick-up is not made quickly, As a matter of fact it's rather trickily. You mustn't mind if it sounds erratic That's merely intra-terrestrial static. Don't be surprised if you're deafened by thunder Just as we start on our journey under: You'll hear earthquakes and all of the commoner varieties of natural phenomenon. And so below, Via radio, (fading) To regions where Legions of the dam-ned go. SFX: Cymbal crash Followed immediately by prolonged thunder coming under and a theramin-type noise to indicate descending. Noise of radio tuning. This fades out as violin fades in. Courier: (Entering and under the violin) Nero! Do you hear? Nero! SFX: Violin stops Nero: How dare you interrupt me in the middle of a movement of my favorite concerto? You should look to the improvement of your manners. Courier: Sir, if you please, my apologies. I would not have intruded upon your recital If the matter were not so terribly vital. Nero: The most important matter in the world is piddling When it comes to be compared to Nero's fiddling. Courier: Now what you say may be very true But I've been sent here to summon you To a great massed meeting of the tortured souls Down in the grott of the flaming coals. Nero: A meeting? What for? What's the big idea? Why can't a fella have some peace down here? Courier: Peace, poor soul, can't be found on the premises-- This is a region abounding in Nemeses. Nero: Now you're talking like a travel folder. Tell me, varlet, before I smolder: Why are we meeting? Who's on the spot? Courier: We're meeting in order to fabricate a plot-- A plot against the festival that mortal men comfort in, gladden in, again and again. You see, every year they get together... Nero: (Interrupting) Never mind the facts. I don't want to hear how mortal man acts. The only information about which I care Concerns the mass meeting and who'll be there. Courier: His wickedness, Mephisto, will preside. Nero: Naturally. Courier: And several of the Borgias will be sitting by his side. And down in front by the sizzling sodium Will be many personalities noted for their odium. Haman, Caligula, Medusa and Legree... Nero: That's all very nice, but what about me? Courier: Oh, you'll be sitting in row A, center. 'Tween Ivan the Terrible?the tormentor-- And Circe... Nero: Mercy! Why, they're both deranged! Courier: Do you wish me to see if your seat can be changed? Nero: Yes, if you will, please. Taste comes first, even though a soul may be Eternally cursed. Courier: Right-o! (Exiting) See you at the meeting then? Nero: Yes. And now, back to my fiddling, again. SFX: Violin begins, and continues under... Sotto voce: This is I, the sotto voce person. It should have been explained that Nero is rehearsin' for nothing in particular. He's just that way. While hell's fires burn, He likes to play. It makes him feel a little more at home. It's just an avocation he picked up in Rome. SFX: Violin fades while... Cast: (Voices fade in?a crowd, expectant. Continue briefly, then...) SFX: Gavel pounds three times. Cast: (Voices continue briefly and then under for...) Mephisto: (Over voices) The meeting will now come to order, please. Cast: (Voices fade out as Mephisto continues)' Mephisto: I've called you here from over sixty seas of boiling pitch And blazing phosphorous to stop what constitutes a loss For us. Cast: (Slight laughter) Mephisto: We've lost prestige and I greatly deplore That we stand in danger of losing more In the way of confidence and spirit. We're far from our goal; we're nowhere near it. Cast: (General agreement) Mephisto: And this is the reason: Though we've done well In carrying forward the work of Hell We've left a very big job unfinished. After all these years there is undiminished Good will on Earth every late December Because of Christmas. Cast: (More agreement) Mephisto: Now please remember that as long as this continues to be The race of man will not belong to me. I will listen now to any questions you may want to ask; And then, suggestions. Cast: (Clamoring for attention) Haman: Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chariman! Mephisto: (Over noise) Brother Haman has the floor. Cast: (Noise subsides) Haman: You say we've done well in our efforts to sell evil. I say we've done better. We have carried out the letter of your law. We've done what I think is a pretty good job. And I say as a veteran demon... Ivan: Sit down there, Haman, Enough of this folly.. Haman: Sit down yourself, You're out of your trolley. Ivan: Sit down. For I am Ivan, the Terrible. Voice: You're telling us! Why, you're unbearable. Cast: (Laughter) Mephisto: (Above the noise) Fellow demons! This is no way to act. I warn you: proceed with a little more tact. I want more decorum In this forum! These personal remarks you make must cease. Now, brother Ivan, speak your piece. Ivan: I merely vant to say, In a casual vay, That Haman is a radical, He always gets fan-yat-ical. Vhy, anyone would think to hear him snort, That the work of the devil should just stop short. Anybody'd think to hear him talking, That dragons and lizards should stop walking The ways of the world... Haman: Mr. Chairman, brother Ivan is a demagogue. With a brain like a fly and the manners of a hog. Now he says that... Cast: (Loud response, drowning out voice) SFX: Gavel, three times Mephisto: Now, that's enough! We shall hear from others. Surely there must be among you brothers Enough of venom and malevolence To crush a mortal man's benevolence. It comes to this: Are we going to let a little holiday Like Christmas Get the better of us all down here below? Cast: (Like a college cheer) No! No! No! No! No! Etc. Mephisto: Very well, then sirs, Very well, let's go! Let's lay down plans now to overthrow this Christmas business And all that guff of holly and mistletoe and stuff. Cast: (General agreement) Caligula: (Over the din) Mr. Chairman! Mr. Chairman! Mephisto: Brother Caligula may take the floor. Caligula: Mr. Chairman, I abhor, As a former emperor, Anything which curbs our rule. I suggest we start right in Manufacturing more sin. Let us give some presents, too. Candy sticks and things to chew, Fruits and nuts and little cakes, Poisonous as rattlesnakes. Cast: (General agreement, some laughter) Caligula: Let our subtlest worker be Bichloride of mercury. Let us wrap in tinsel bright Little gifts of dynamite. Cast: (More agreement) Caligula: Work things, so that men will fear Whenever twelve twenty-five draws near. Soon, at this rate if you please Men will hang from Christmas trees. Cast: (Agreement and applause) Mephisto: My dear Caligula permit the chair To say you've got something there. And now with this fine start, Let's hear some more. Nero: Mr. Chairman, may I level With the devil? Mephisto: Yes, Brother Nero, you may have the floor. Nero: With all due respects to Caligula's views I think there's a better method we can use. I've just lately that men are giving the razz To classical music by making it jazz. They're swinging Bach and what is keener They're doing the shag to Palestrina. As a connoisseur of music, of course I love The works of Rimsky-Korsakov. But today I note, with a bitter shrug, They've made Sheherazade a jitter-bug. Mephisto: Much as we admire your clever rhyme Will you get to the point? We're wasting time. Nero: I was just about to say when interrupted That Christmas can easily be corrupted If you take and swing all the Christmas carols. Why think of the evil! Just barrels and barrels Of sacrilege every time you play A pious song in a profane way. Why, once you entice them to swing Noel Then victory belongs to us, fiends. Well? Cast: (Agreement and applause) Legree: Mr. Chairman! Mr. Chairman! Mephisto: Mr. Simon Legree! Legree: I'd like to say that it seems to me That you-all is barkin' up a coonless tree. I think Mista Nero has made a wrong guess. The way to go about it is to get in Congress And bribe a bunch of Senators who know dere oats And jes' make a purchase of a block of votes. And den dey can legislate a situation Where dey rules ol' Christmas right out of de nation. Dey can all get togedder and pass a law Where dey ain't gonna be no Christmas any maw!. Cast: (Agreement) Haman: I think that Legree's suggestion is a beaut. Ivan: It's very cute. Haman: And quite astute. Mephisto: To me it seems a bit impractical Because you'd have to be so tactical. For instance, now, a Senator who would sell His vote to our lobbyists Might very well go out and become a tool Of agencies representing the Yule. Ivan: By the eternal night, he's right. Cast: (Agreement) 'Borgia: Mr. Chairman! Mr. Chairman! Mephisto: Yes, Miss Borgia.. Borgia: I think we should all give pause to think about this Santa Claus. He is the man behind the scenes, The symbol of what Christmas means. If we could rub him out, my friend, Our troubles would be at an end. Just think how it would tickle us To liquidate St. Nicholas. Cast: Some agreement. Borgia: A girl like me could fascinate The guy?and then, assassinate! Mephisto: Do you think you could do it, pretty one? Are you sure you wouldn't be by pity one? Borgia: Sometimes you are an awful tease, My master, Mephistopheles. Ain't I murdered several dozens? Poisoned Uncles, Aunts and Cousins? Don't my work down here is Hades Make me first among the ladies? Cast: (Small laughter.) Borgia: Men of virtue all have cussed me I am sure that you can trust me. Haman: Of that we haven't a particle of doubt, Miss Borgia, I'm sure we all have nothin' but kind feelin's Towardja. Borgia: (Laughing) Cast: (Laughing with Borgia) Haman: But many times a woman spy, alas, adores her victims, Dames make poor ambassadors. Borgia: Do you imply that such defects are found inherent in my sex? Haman: I do. Borgia: Well, listen here old ironsides, You're headed for some cyanides. You've crossed a Borgia, And you know the consequences That follow. Cast: (Wonderment at what she means.) SFX: Gavel pounds twice as next line begins Mephisto: Come, come disciples. This is very bad. There's nothing to be gained by getting mad. Suppose we put the matter to a vote. All those in favor of the motion made by fiend Caligula, Which was to shade the glamour of the holiday by using Selected poisons of our choosing. All those in favor will please signify By rising to their feet and saying Aye! Caligula: Aye! Mephisto: One vote in favor?Caligula's. And those opposed? Cast: Nay! Mephisto: The motion is defeated. SFX: Gavel pounds once. Mephisto: Up we bring the plan of Brother Nero's; viz., To swing the hymns and pious music. All those for will please respond by raising up a paw. Nero: For! Mephisto: And those against. Cast: Nay! Mephisto: Very well. SFX: Gavel pounds once. Mephisto: Now, the project of Legree's. Who is there here who totally agrees? Legree: Ah do. Mephisto: Legree votes for himself. And those opposed? Cast: Opposed! Mephisto: And now all those who favor Borgia's cause, It being to eliminate Santa Claus. Cast: Aye! Aye! Aye! Mephisto: And those opposed? (Silence) Mephisto: It seems to me the woman has a way with them, At least she has carried the day with them. Cast: (Laughter) SFX: Gavel pounds once.Mephisto: The motion is carried. Now we will decide Which one of us will take Nick for a ride. We'll all draw lots, and thus settle the moot Point of who'll be sent to execute. Cast: (Murmur of expectation, continue softly under next lines.) Sotto Voce: This is your old friend, sotto voce, Visiting down where it's eternal noche. (Noche is Spanish for night, you know. It's merely a reference just to show That English isn't all I have to go by.) Oh well, I guess I missed my calling. I should have been a lobbyist. You see, I'm stalling To give them time to finish the voting. Let's see, the weather. Now I'm quoting The Daily Hellion: Continued heat Both overhead and under feet. Fresh and moderate gases blowing Up to gale force and then going North, by westerly. Light showers of brimstone By the evening hours. That's what it says here. I'm not fibbing. Ha-ha. How am I doing with my ad-libbing? This is a thing a gabber's h ave fun with. Say, the drawing should soon be done with, We expect the results any moment now As soon as... SFX: Gavel pounds three times. Cast: (Din subsides) Mephisto: The lots have been drawn And I'm glad to say The honor has fallen Nero's way! Cast: (Yells of approval) Mephisto: Now, Nero, you are charged with a great task, It's the evilest deed that we could ask A fiend to do. We'll be proud of you. Nero: Now just one moment. How do I get there? What do I wear? Cast: (Laughter) Nero: Is it dry or wet there? Is it fact or fancy or just word of mouth That he lives at the pole-- Is it North or South? If he dwells in the regions to which I've referred, Must I pass through a camp of Admiral Byrd? What should I use when it comes to the showdown A gun or a dagger? So give me the lowdown. Mephisto: Now, Nero, you needn't sound so tragic, You'll get to earth by the blackest magic. To create an express elevator Is simple for an expert spell-creator. With a lot of pyrotechnic dazzle We'll let you off on a hill in Basel, Switzerland. From there you will make your way through ice with a blowtorch. After a while, you're bound to reach Santa's domicile. And once you get there, ah, my dear Nero All of our work will have gone for zero If you don't succeed in your assignment. A disadvantage of our confinement In Limbo's the fact the we only get One chance in all the eternal roulette Of circumstances... Nero: I know. If at first we don't succeed We can try and try again. But there is no need because nothing will come of it Meaning no offense, do you mind if I take my departure hence? SFX: Gong Sotto voce: That, my friends, was a big brass gong. It's used in this story right along To indicate that we're about to travel To points where the plot will further unravel. And now, if Ambassador Nero elects We'll have another spot of sound effects. SFX: Strange, sci-fi kind of sound blending a machine and wind and theramin-type noises. Plays for 20 seconds and then gives way to a crash, followed by wind only under the following-- Nero: Tell me, stranger, is this Basel, Switzerland Or is it already Donner and Blitzerland? Stranger 1: (Correcting) Donner and Blitzenland's 5000 miles away. Nero: Thank you mister, and good day! SFX: Gong. Wind continues. Nero: Tell me stranger, I've been walking inland for weeks. Where am I now? Stranger 2: (Scandinavian accent) In Finland. SFX: Gong. Wind continues. Nero: Tell me stranger, because I've lost stock, where am I now? Stranger 3: (Russian accent) In Vladivostok. SFX: Gong. Wind continues. Nero: Listen stranger, after all these centuries of blistering heat Now I have to suffer from freezing feet. I'm wincing with pain from this pesky toe... Stranger 4: (accent of some kind) No spik English. Eskimo. SFX: Gong. Wind continue. Nero: I declare by my phrenetic soul I must be over the magnetic pole. My watch has stopped.. Can that be right? I wonder... (Whispering) Ah------a light a light! (Regular voice) In a moment now You'll hear me knock on Santa's door, And he'll unlock it, nevermore to lock again. (Evil laugh) SFX: Knock on door. Wind continues. Santa: (From way inside house) Coming! Nero: So is doom! (Laughs) SFX: Door opens. Wind continues. Santa: How do you do, sir. Nero: Very well, indeed. And you sir? Santa: Splendidly. Won't you come right in? SFX: Door closes. Wind stops. Santa: Take your coat off. I can see your chin Is frozen; Also your hands and knees. Sit down while I get you some anti-freeze. Nero: Don't bother sir, I will not be long, I'm about to perpetrate a fearful wrong. In short, I'm going to do away with... Santa: (Interrupting) Take it easy. Do not play with that gun. I know all about you. Nero: Really? Santa: Haven't I had my agent's scout you for weeks? You've come all this way to abolish Christmas And let me say... Nero: Listen, Santa, I'm no callow stripling, I've read Ernest Hemingway and Kipling. And also "The Shooting of Dan McGrew," And plenty of detective stories, too. And just to show you what broad guy I am I've also the Rub?iy?t of Omar Khayy?m. Do you think that a fellow with his reading so graded Could have learned so little as to be dissuaded From the main objective? Why, don't make me giggle. Santa: I'd feel a lot better if you didn't wiggle That gun so. Much as I'm impressed with your education I honestly believe that a figure of your station Should have given more thought to the ways of man And less devotion to the cult of Pan. Nero: By others, no doubt, your wisdom may be prized But I didn't come here to be criticized. In fact, I came to dispatch a duty So don't hand me any of this tutti-frutti. If you have any last words you want to say Then spill 'em. I haven't got all day. Santa: What's the rush? Unless I've counted wrong The polar day has always been six-months long. Nero: Well, after I've disposed of you I've got to hurry Right back to hell, or they'll begin to worry. Santa: Not about you, but about your career in homicide. Do you think the mere loss of you would make them hysterical? There only interest is numerical. Nero: Think so? Santa: Mephisto wants to rule just as much of humanity As possible, for reasons of personal vanity. Nero: By the Styx! You're right! To think that he'd dare!... Are there any ladies here? Will you permit me to swear? Santa: My answer to that is an emphatic no! There are several lady dolls in the toyroom below. Nere: Oh, Claudius. Oh, Cassius. Oh, Naphthalene. What a fool I've been. What a fool I've been! But wait, I think I see what you're after, You're as clever as a big time Roman grafter. You remind me now of my royalty Just to get me in a mood for disloyalty. Do you think I could be that meanly deceptive to Satan? Why, Santa, I'm keenly perceptive. I can see right through all your clever ruses Nero can be plenty foxy when he chooses. I'll have you know that I'm partly a dreamer, Partly a wit and partly a schemer. I'm part philosophical and also part mystic... Santa: I suppose you fancy that you're highly artistic. Nero: Fancy? Why I have such a sense of beauty... Santa: Don't hand me a helping of tutti-frutti. Any creature who really had beauty in his soul Would appreciate Christmas. He would know that the whole Idea of the holiday was one of such power That all the fiends below would gnash their fangs and glower Yet, never in a million years cold do it harm Because it has a glory, a greatness, a charm You know nothing about. Nero: That so? Santa: The spirit that it venerates, The good cheer that it generates Are things far, far beyond you. For all your wealth, no man on earth could sell ye these. Nero: Am I so cursed as that? Will you tell me, please, What beauties there may be that I have never seen? Santa: Have you ever seen A Christmas tree, tall and green, Smelling of woodlands, Covered with a sheen Of silveriness? It's branches bending low With the fruits of human kindness Instead of snow? Nero: No. Santa: Have you ever closely witnessed What takes place any Christmas Morning on a young child's face? Or perceived any beauties Purer than the joys Distilled in the hearts of little girls and boys? Have you ever watched a fire in a fireplace On a Christmas Eve, Or listened to grace At a table heavy with fruits and cakes And all the wonders that a kitchen makes? Fowls and pastries, wines and meats, And Nuts and raisins and candied sweets? Have you ever seen mistletoe hanging from a ceiling? In the frosty air heard a far bell pealing? Have you ever come back from a sleigh ride tingling And your feet keeping time with the sleigh bells' jinglilng? Have you ever the beauty of a sprig of holly, Or felt for a moment how it feels to be jolly? Nero: (Amazed) Golly! Santa: Have you ever known how exceedingly pleasant It is to unwrap a Christmas present? Did you ever know how much cheer it lends To be wished a Merry Christmas by all your friends? Did you ever experience the fun of giving, Do you know at all of the joys of living? Nero: (Contrite) I guess I don't. For all of me I never knew such things could be. Just think how long in ignorance I've slept. Santa: It must have been the company you kept. Nero: I was a wicked tyrant once, you know. Santa: Ah, yes, but that was centuries ago. You had no real way of knowing., Nero: Perhaps. I guess that I'll be going. I really should be getting on my way. Santa: But do you have to? Don't you want to stay? Nero: You see, I'm just a bit... Santa: Embarrassed? Nero: Why, yes sir. Santa: Now, don't look so harassed. I know why it is you came And who it was that sent you. But that's all done with. I take it you repent you Of all your past mistakes. Nero: With many pains and aches Of conscience. Santa: Then you are welcome here. Please, take your hat off. Your coat, your muffler also. Take your spat off. What happened to the other one? No matter. You're pretty thin. You'll presently be Fatter. I serve good food here, I'll get you a platter Of steak and mushrooms. Medium or rare? I'll bet that you're hungry as a bear. Now just sit down. That's it. Right over here and tell me, Will you have some wine or beer? I never touch the stuff myself But I manage to keep on hand A little rye for purposes medicinal. I mean, your chin should be unfrozen, What a state it's in. Nero: A while ago you asked me if understood Good cheer. I do so now, St. Nicholas, I see it standing here. I want to aks you something, sir, Now please, don't give a yelp. Is there any sort of work to do Where I can be of help? Santa: Indeed there is. Indeed there is. And I'm glad you asked me. I have so many toys to make this year The jobs got past me. But first, you sit and eat this bowl. I've got a little trifle I'd like for you to see. So will you sit right down here And stifle Your curiosity. (Walking away) I'll get it for you right away, It's down the hall a piece. Nero: Well, who'd ever think it, Will wonders never cease? At last, after all these centuries, I'm so happy I could buzz. It shows you what a lot A little Christmas Spirit does. As Emperor I envied oft The cheerfulness of peasants. And now... Santa: (Approaching) Well, here it is, now, Nero, my boy. By way of Christmas presents I offer you this little gift. Nero: But Santa, for what reason? Santa: A very good one, sir. To whit: Compliments of the season! Well, go ahead, open it. Why stand there so, reflecting? Nero: I'm just collecting Thoughts, St. Nick, My thoughts I'm just collecting. Just think how far a tiny bit of fellowship Would carry us. Oh well! SFX: Package being unwrapped. Nero: I say! Santa: Hmm? Nero: What's this? What's this? It is a Stradivarius! Why, thank you! Thanks a million times. I don't know what to say to you. I'll tell you what I'll do, St. Nick, I'll start right in and play for you. I'll play, I'll play, I'll play, I'll play, I'll All night and day For you. Santa: Fine. Now here's some music. I'm sure you'll play it well. It's a little piece entitled, Noel, Noel. MUSIC: Violin playing The First Noel. Continues under next part. Sotto Voce: This is I. Remember me? Your Sotto Voce friend? I've just come back To tell you that This story is at an end. MUSIC: Violin continues playing, then softens for... Announcer: You've been listening to The Plot to Overthrow Christmas, Written and Directed by Norman Corwin. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. MUSIC: Up and play to end. Applause.