Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Miscellaneous Single Episodes
Show: The Chase and Sanborn Hour: The Man Who Thought of Everything
Date: Jul 23 1939

A funny variety show sketch taken from this popular show...



Cast:
HOST, Don Ameche
ANNOUNCER
IRENE, reluctantly eloping with a perfectionist
PHYLLIS, her best friend
ERNEST, the perfectionist

HOST:

... For generations, the name Lupino has been prominent in the history of the theater. Ida Lupino has gone one step further and established the name not only on the legitimate stage but on the screen. She will shortly be seen opposite Ronald Colman in Paramount's dramatization of the Kipling story "The Light That Failed." It is a great pleasure to welcome Miss Lupino to Chase and Sanborn again and to appear with her in "The Man Who Thought of Everything," a comedy written by E. N. Taylor. We present Miss Ida Lupino.

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Scene -- Irene's bedroom in a country house in England. It is nearly midnight and apparently everyone in the household has retired -- except Irene, who is packing all her dresses in a large suitcase. There is a quiet knock on the door.

SFX:

QUIET KNOCK ON THE DOOR

IRENE:

(STARTLED) Oh. (TO HERSELF) Oh, somebody's heard me moving around and come to investigate.

SFX:

LOUDER KNOCK

IRENE:

(SIGHS, TO HERSELF, RESIGNED) Well, I might as well face it. (CALLS) Come in.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... THEN SHUTS BEHIND--

PHYLLIS:

(CHEERFUL) Hello, Irene!

IRENE:

(NERVOUS) Oh, Phyllis, it - it's you. What are you prowling around for?

PHYLLIS:

Well, really! Is that a nice way to treat your best friend?

IRENE:

Oh, I'm sorry, Phyllis. Only you - you startled me. I thought everyone had gone to bed.

PHYLLIS:

Oh, not me.

IRENE:

(AWKWARD) Well, er, did you - did you want anything?

PHYLLIS:

Yes, darling. I want to borrow a lipstick.

IRENE:

Lipstick at this time of night?

PHYLLIS:

Well, why not? It's no funnier than whatever it is you're doing. What are you doing anyway? Taking an inventory of your wardrobe?

IRENE:

Oh, no, I wasn't sleepy so I just thought I'd--

PHYLLIS:

Oh, well, never mind. Say, what's the window open for? (MOVES TO WINDOW) You'll freeze to death, darling. I'd better close--

IRENE:

(TOO QUICKLY) Leave that window alone! I-- (RECOVERS) I, uh, want it open.

PHYLLIS:

(MOVES FROM WINDOW) Well, all right. But I really do want a lipstick. I'll send you another after I go home.

IRENE:

Oh, help yourself; it's on the dressing table.

PHYLLIS:

Oh, fine. Let's see. Oh, I've got it. Thanks, Irene! You've saved my life!

IRENE:

(EXHALES) Don't mention it.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

IRENE:

Good night.

PHYLLIS:

Good night, darling!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTS

IRENE:

(RELIEVED, TO HERSELF) Ohhhh. Wonder if she suspects anything. She looked as if she--

ERNEST:

(FROM WINDOW, A WHISTLE -- WHICH IS A SIGNAL TO IRENE) ...

SFX:

MOVEMENT AT THE WINDOWSILL

ERNEST:

(ANOTHER WHISTLE, LOW) Irene?

IRENE:

(LOW) Ernest! Well, I must say, it's about time. Here, I'll give you a hand.

ERNEST:

Confound these low windowsills -- a man can't get a decent grip.

SFX:

ERNEST CLIMBS IN THROUGH WINDOW

ERNEST:

Yeah. Well, here we are. Ready to start the great adventure? (NO ANSWER) Well, what's the matter? Aren't you glad to see me?

IRENE:

(DISTRACTED) Mm? Oh, yes, of course. (CHANGES THE SUBJECT) Er, did you have any trouble climbing up to the window?

ERNEST:

No, not a bit. All ya need is some good strong ivy and a little experience.

IRENE:

Experience? Ernest -- have you ever eloped before?

ERNEST:

Why, certainly not. But I'm the man who thinks of everything. I tried this ivy out last night when you were all in bed.

IRENE:

Sounds awfully cold-blooded.

ERNEST:

Well, I believe in planning for emergencies. Now what about you? Are you all ready?

IRENE:

Yes, I will be in a minute. That idiot Phyllis came in and took up a lot of-- Ernest, what are you doing?

ERNEST:

Oh, uh, just cleaning up. That ivy on your wall is full of twigs and soot.

IRENE:

Wait, I'll get you a clothes brush.

ERNEST:

No, no, no, thanks; I have one right here in my pocket. Brought it along for this very purpose. ...

SFX:

ERNEST BRUSHES HIS CLOTHES

IRENE:

(CHUCKLES UNEASILY) You do think of everything, don't you, Ernest?

ERNEST:

Well, I try to look ahead. I even have a wet sponge and a towel for my face and hands.

IRENE:

You know all the moves in the elopement business, don't you?

ERNEST:

Well, I've read all the recognized authorities.

IRENE:

In books, the carriages always break down.

ERNEST:

Yes, they all agree on that. So I brought a car.

IRENE:

A car? Well, where is it?

ERNEST:

Just across the lawn, hidden safe and sound behind the hedge.

IRENE:

Well, I didn't hear you. But suppose somebody else did?

ERNEST:

Oh ho, that's impossible. I prepared for that, too. She coasted down the slope without a sound -- I cut off the engine.

IRENE:

Well--- Maybe it won't start again.

ERNEST:

Oh, yes, it will. I went over it myself earlier this evening. She's a good car that Rolls.

IRENE:

Yes, but even a Rolls might break down.

ERNEST:

Well, I'm ready for that, too. We'll be followed by a Ford. ...

IRENE:

(CHUCKLES WEARILY) Well, you do seem to have thought of everything. But there's one item that does worry me. I'll never be able to scramble down that ivy.

ERNEST:

My dear, you won't have to scramble. You'll go down in style -- on a rope ladder.

IRENE:

But where?

ERNEST:

It's right outside the window. I hooked it on just before I came in.

IRENE:

Well, guess that takes care of the getaway. What do we do first?

ERNEST:

We go to London. London is the first stop.

IRENE:

Yes, but even I know that. But where in London?

ERNEST:

The Simpsons.

IRENE:

I don't think I know any Simpsons.

ERNEST:

Ohh, then you've got a treat coming.

IRENE:

Yes, but how do they fit into this elopement?

ERNEST:

(SIMPLY) They will sell us breakfast.

IRENE:

(ANNOYED) Ernest-- Oh, don't be so matter-of-fact. You act as if this were an everyday affair. I'm only asking questions because I want to be sure there won't be any hitch.

ERNEST:

My dear Irene, there will be no hitches. Everything will be just as smooth as silk. First the breakfast, then the wedding and then we'll fly to Paris.

IRENE:

Yes, but wedding breakfasts are usually held after the wedding.

ERNEST:

(FIRMLY) No, not in elopements. ... But, anyway, we'll have an excellent lunch on the plane. It's all ordered.

IRENE:

Well, do you mind telling me where the ceremony's going to take place?

ERNEST:

Not at all. St. Martin's, just across from the Airways office. And I've got the special license, a clergyman I've known all my life, and two reliable witnesses. And, of course, there's the driver of the extra car, in case of emergencies.

IRENE:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, I see. (TESTING HIM) But I don't think I like the idea of flying.

ERNEST:

Oh, but that's the whole point. (RAPIDLY) The principal cause of elopement failure in the past has simply been that when the time came, people said, "Now we must fly," and, of course, they couldn't. Nowadays, when we say, "Now we must fly," we do. (SNAPS FINGERS) Just like that. ... And everything turns out perfectly. You see?

IRENE:

(DEFLATED) Yeah. Suppose so. (TRIES ANOTHER TACK) Have you got the tickets for the plane?

ERNEST:

In my pocket.

IRENE:

And the passports?

ERNEST:

In my pocket.

IRENE:

(DEFIANT) Well, anyway, I'm not ready.

ERNEST:

Well, I thought of that, too; so, if you don't mind, I'll finish this mystery story while I wait. ...

IRENE:

Ernest! Did you bring that book with you?!

ERNEST:

Why, certainly.

IRENE:

(SIGHS) You know, Ernest, you're almost a little too sure of yourself. I wonder if I can trust you. Just lately, I've been a little doubtful.

ERNEST:

Oh, but why? I've done everything you asked me to. You can't possibly find a flaw in this set-up, can you?

IRENE:

No, but this last week your manner's changed.

ERNEST:

Well, my dear girl, it was changed at your request.

IRENE:

Well, what do you mean?

ERNEST:

Well, didn't you say you were afraid we'd be suspected? And in order to avert any suspicion, didn't you ask me to appear to, uh, uh, "cool off"?

IRENE:

Well, yes, but you needn't have been so thorough about it. It's one thing to appear to cool off and it's quite another to warm up somewhere else. ...

ERNEST:

Somewhere else? I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

IRENE:

Oh, I'm only sorry I ever asked Phyllis to come and stay here.

ERNEST:

But you told me to pay Phyllis a little attention.

IRENE:

A little? You've been impossible! You've neglected me for a whole week! You and Phyllis went off everywhere together and left me alone for hours!

ERNEST:

Well, I didn't notice you being alone very much. You played golf every day with George Drummond.

IRENE:

(DEFENSIVE) Well, why shouldn't I play golf with George? I had to do something. I was just averting suspicion and you know it! You've no right to be jealous of Georgie.

ERNEST:

(AMUSED) Oh ho, I'm not the slightest bit jealous of Georgie.

IRENE:

And you - you still want to elope? Still prepared to go through with it?

ERNEST:

Fully prepared.

IRENE:

In spite of all the time we've wasted, can we still make connections in London?

ERNEST:

We can.

IRENE:

Without a hitch?

ERNEST:

(TRIUMPHANT) There'll be no hitch of any kind. I have thought of everything.

IRENE:

No, Ernest. No, there's one little detail you've overlooked.

ERNEST:

Well, I can still attend to it.

IRENE:

I'm afraid not. You've been so carried away by the perfection of your own plans that you've forgotten the most important thing of all. It takes two to elope! And I'm not coming!

ERNEST:

(BEAT) I've thought of that, too.

IRENE:

What?!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

IRENE:

(SURPRISED) Phyllis?

PHYLLIS:

(CHEERFUL) Hello, Irene!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTS

PHYLLIS:

(LOVINGLY) Ohhh, hello, Ernest.

ERNEST:

Hello, darling. You're just in time.

PHYLLIS:

Have you got everything ready?

ERNEST:

Everything. Just a second while I cut the telephone wires and the bell-pull.

IRENE:

(INDIGNANT) May I ask what you two think you're doing?

PHYLLIS:

Eloping, my dear! What did you think Ernest brought the ladder for? (LOVINGLY, TO ERNEST) Is it safe, darling?

ERNEST:

Oh, of course. I made it myself. Here, I'll hold it while you go down. You ready?

PHYLLIS:

Mm hm.

IRENE:

Well, at least I'd like to know why you can't elope through your own window, Phyllis!

PHYLLIS:

There's no ivy there.

IRENE:

(UPSET) I won't have it! I won't be treated this way! I - I'm gonna call Father! (YELLS) Father!

ERNEST:

I wouldn't do that if I were you. He'll only ask you why you let me in your room.

IRENE:

Ooooh, you treacherous beast! Now that I'm rid of you and your perfect plans, I - I've a darn good mind to elope with George Drummond!

ERNEST:

I thought of that, too. You'll find George waiting for you in the second car. ...

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES