Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Columbia Workshop
Show: Alice in Wonderland, Part 2
Date: Oct 03 1937

CAST:
ANNOUNCER
1ST NARRATOR, sinister, snarky, sour and skeptical
2ND NARRATOR, warm, wise and winning
ALICE, our no-nonsense heroine
RABBIT, white and uptight
MOUSE (1 line)
CATERPILLAR (1 line)
FROG (1 line)
DUCHESS (1 line)
CAT (1 line)
THE MARCH HARE, who giggles a lot
THE MAD HATTER
DORMOUSE
QUEEN OF HEARTS
KING OF HEARTS
GRYPHON
THE MOCK TURTLE, who sings two songs
1ST JUROR (1 line)
2ND JUROR (1 line)
KNAVE (1 line)
SISTER (1 line)
and other assorted SOLDIERS, COURTIERS and JURORS

MUSIC:

IN

ANNOUNCER:

The Columbia Workshop, under the direction of William N. Robson presents "Alice in Wonderland."

Tonight the Workshop offers the second part of its experimental radio version of Lewis Carroll's immortal classic "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" with a special musical score composed by Leith Stevens and Paul Sterrett. The Workshop wishes to thank the many listeners who have expressed their valuable reactions to last week's broadcast in which was inaugurated this, our first venture into the field of musical experimentation. Your criticisms and comments upon tonight's production will be equally valued.

The Columbia Workshop presents "Alice in Wonderland."

2ND NARR.:

It all started with Alice's curiosity about a White Rabbit ...

MUSIC:

HIPPETY-HOP

2ND NARR.:

... who hopped by as she and her sister sat by the bank of a stream.

RABBIT:

(OFF) Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!

MUSIC:

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

2ND NARR.:

Before she knew it, Alice was falling down what seemed to be a deep well, at the bottom of which, among other curious creatures, she met a Mouse.

MUSIC:

FOR A SCURRYING MOUSE

MOUSE:

(SINGS) Mine is a long and sad tale! O woe is me!

2ND NARR.:

And a Caterpillar.

MUSIC:

FOR A LANGUID CATERPILLAR

CATERPILLAR:

Keep your temper.

2ND NARR.:

Outside a little house in the middle of a wood, she encountered a Frog dressed in the livery of a footman.

MUSIC:

FOR A FROG

FROG:

I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.

2ND NARR.:

And, inside the little house, a sneezing baby, a Cook, and a very ugly Duchess.

MUSIC:

TO ACCOMPANY THE DUCHESS' RECITATION

DUCHESS:

(RECITES)
Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes! (Ah-choo!)

2ND NARR.:

She had rescued the sneezing baby from the fury of the Cook, only to have the baby turn into a pig. And, a moment later, a Chesire Cat had faded into existence on a limb above her.

MUSIC:

FOR A GRINNING CAT IN A TREE

CAT:

(FADES IN WITH A MEOW) That direction, lives a Hatter; that direction, lives a March Hare. Visit either. Both are mad. (FADES OUT WITH A MEOW)

2ND NARR.:

She had not gone much further before she came upon the house of the March Hare.

1ST NARR.:

She's sure it is the right house, because the chimneys are shaped like ears and the roof is thatched with fur.

2ND NARR.:

There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and the March Hare and the Hatter were having tea at it.

MUSIC:

FOR A TEA PARTY

1ST NARR.:

A Dormouse is sitting between them, fast asleep. The March Hare and the Hatter are using him as a cushion, resting their elbows on him. They aren't at all anxious to have Alice's company.

HARE:

No room!

HATTER:

No room!

HARE:

No room!

HATTER:

No room!

HARE:

No room!

HATTER:

No room!

ALICE:

There's plenty of room! And I'm going to sit down. (SITS) There!

HARE:

Have some wine.

ALICE:

I don't see any wine, March Hare.

HARE:

There isn't any.

ALICE:

Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.

HARE:

Well, it wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

ALICE:

I didn't know it was your table. It's laid for a great many more than three.

HATTER:

Your hair wants cutting!

ALICE:

(OFFENDED) Oh! You should learn not to make personal remarks, Hatter. It's very rude.

HATTER:

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?!

ALICE:

(PLEASED) I'm glad you're going to ask riddles. That'd be fun. But I believe I can guess that one.

HARE:

Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?

ALICE:

Exactly so.

HARE:

Then you should say what you mean.

ALICE:

I do! At least -- at least I mean what I say. That's the same thing, you know.

HATTER:

Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!

HARE:

You might just as well say that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!

DORMOUSE:

(DROWSY) You might just as well say that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe'!

HATTER:

It is the same thing for you, Dormouse!

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, I must answer that riddle before they forget it. Now, let me see. Why is a raven like a writing-desk? A raven - writing-desk - raven - write--

HATTER:

What day of the month is it?!

ALICE:

The, um - er, fourth!

HATTER:

This watch is two days wrong! I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!

HARE:

(MEEKLY) It was the very best butter.

HATTER:

Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well! You shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife!

HARE:

But it was the best butter. Let me dip it in the tea; it might wash the crumbs out.

SOUND:

CLINK OF WATCH DIPPED INTO TEACUP

ALICE:

Oh -- what a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what o'clock it is!

HATTER:

Why should it?! Does your watch tell you what year it is?

ALICE:

Of course not. But that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together.

HATTER:

Which is just the case with mine.

ALICE:

I don't quite understand you.

HATTER:

The Dormouse is asleep again!

DORMOUSE:

(YAWNS, PROTESTS) Oh, no, oh, no -- I heard everything you fellows said.

HATTER:

Have you guessed the riddle yet?!

ALICE:

No, I give up. What's the answer?

HATTER:

I haven't the slightest idea.

HARE:

Nor I!

ALICE:

I think you might do something better with the time than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.

HATTER:

Ah! If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him.

ALICE:

I don't know what you mean.

HATTER:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) Of course you don't! I dare say you never even spoke to Time!

ALICE:

Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.

HATTER:

Ah! That accounts for it. He won't stand beating. I know. He and I quarrelled last March, just before he -- the March Hare -- went mad, you know.

HARE:

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

HATTER:

It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing!

MUSIC:

FOR THE HATTER'S SONG ... THEN IN BG

HATTER:

(SINGS) 'Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! / How I wonder what you're at!' (SPEAKS TO ALICE) You know the song, perhaps?

ALICE:

I've heard something like it.

HATTER:

It goes on, you know, in this way:-- (CLEARS THROAT, SINGS) 'Up above the world you fly, / Like a tea-tray in the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! / Twinkle, twinkle, little bat--'

DORMOUSE:

(SINGS IN HIS SLEEP) 'Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle--'

HATTER:

Be quiet, Dormouse!

DORMOUSE:

Ouch! Stop pinching me!

HATTER:

(TO ALICE) Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, 'He's murderin' the time! Off with his head!'

ALICE:

How dreadfully savage!

HATTER:

And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask! (SADLY) It's always six o'clock now.

ALICE:

Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here?

HATTER:

Yes, that's it. It's always tea-time, and we've no time to wash the things between the whiles.

ALICE:

Then you keep moving round, I suppose, from one seat to the next?

HATTER:

Exactly so, as the things get used up.

ALICE:

But what happens when you come to the beginning again?

HARE:

Oh, take some more tea!

ALICE:

I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.

HATTER:

You mean you can't take less! And it's very easy to take more than nothing.

ALICE:

Nobody asked your opinion.

HATTER:

(TRIUMPHANT) Who's making personal remarks now?!

ALICE:

(FLUSTERED) Oh! You--!

HATTER:

I want a clean cup! Let's move up one place.

ALICE:

But then you're the only one who gets a clean place. And I have to sit where the March Hare sat and he's upset the milk-jug into his plate.

HATTER:

We move only one seat over--!

HARE:

--and if you don't like that--

DORMOUSE:

--you don't have to drink the tea you haven't yet had.

2ND NARR.:

This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear. She got up in great disgust, and walked off; the Dormouse fell asleep instantly, and
neither of the others took the least notice of her going.

1ST NARR.:

For they are now trying to shove the Dormouse into the teapot.

MUSIC:

FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG

2ND NARR.:

As Alice wandered on through the wood, she came suddenly upon a tree with a little door leading right into it. She was not in the least surprised for she had come to expect anything in Wonderland. So she quickly opened the door and entered -- to find herself at last among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains of a beautiful garden.

1ST NARR.:

The one she had first seen through the little door in the hall.

2ND NARR.:

She had scarcely time to look about her, when she heard the sounds of a procession approaching.

MUSIC:

FOR AN APPROACHING PROCESSION

2ND NARR.:

It was the royal entourage of the King and Queen of Hearts, accompanied by their guests, the Kings and Queens of Diamonds, Spades and Clubs, with their soldiers and courtiers.

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

2ND NARR.:

When the procession came opposite to Alice, it stopped. And everybody looked at her as the Queen of Hearts spoke.

QUEEN:

Who is this? How did she get in here? Speak, child! What's your name?!

ALICE:

My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.

QUEEN:

Alice?

BIZ:

SOLDIERS AND COURTIERS MURMUR ("What a curious name!") AND LAUGH ... CONTINUES UNDER NEXT LINE

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Why, they're only a pack of cards, after all. I needn't be afraid of them.

QUEEN:

She has no business being Alice. Off with her head! Off with her--!

ALICE:

Nonsense!

KING:

(LIGHTLY, TO QUEEN) Oh, consider, my dear -- she's only a child.

QUEEN:

She has a head, King.

KING:

Oh, but, my - my dear consort--

QUEEN:

Mind your own!

KING:

Hmm? Oh. (MEEKLY) Uh, yes, my dear.

QUEEN:

(CALLS) On with the procession! (TO ALICE) For the present, child, you may keep your head.

ALICE:

That's dreadfully kind of you.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... A STIRRING MARCH

2ND NARR.:

The procession continued to the fountains in the centre of the garden while Alice looked about her, vainly, for some way of escape. But the Queen kept constantly by her side.

QUEEN:

Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?

ALICE:

No. I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is.

QUEEN:

It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from.

ALICE:

I never saw one, or heard of one.

QUEEN:

Come on, then, and he shall tell you his story.

MUSIC:

FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG

2ND NARR.:

After a little walk, the Queen and Alice came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun.

1ST NARR.:

If you don't know what a Gryphon is, there's very little use in telling you, for you wouldn't believe it, anyway. He is sort of half-lion, half-eagle, half-- Hm! I knew you wouldn't believe it.

GRYPHON:

(SNORES LOUDLY, SLOWLY WAKES UP DURING FOLLOWING)

QUEEN:

Up, lazy thing! And take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his story. (MOVING OFF) I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered!

GRYPHON:

What fun!

ALICE:

What is the fun?

GRYPHON:

Why, she. It's all her fancy, that. They never execute nobody, you know. Come on.

2ND NARR.:

They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply.

TURTLE:

(SIGHS, WEEPS, OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE AND BELOW)

ALICE:

(SYMPATHETIC, TO GRYPHON) Ohhh! What is his sorrow?

GRYPHON:

It's all his fancy, that. He hasn't got no sorrow, you know. (TO TURTLE) Uh, this here young lady -- she wants for to know your history, she do.

TURTLE:

I'll tell her. Sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.

MUSIC:

OUT

ALICE:

(PAUSE, TO HERSELF) I don't see how he can ever finish, if he doesn't begin.

MUSIC:

FOR THE MOCK TURTLE'S STORY, IN BG

TURTLE:

Once, I was a real Turtle. When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle. We used to call him 'Tortoise.'

ALICE:

Why did you call him 'Tortoise' if he was a Turtle?

TURTLE:

We called him Tortoise because he taught us! Really you're very dull.

GRYPHON:

(TO ALICE) You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. (TO TURTLE) Drive on, old fellow. Don't be all day about it.

TURTLE:

Yes, yes. We went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it--

ALICE:

I never said I didn't!

TURTLE:

You did.

GRYPHON:

Hold your tongue, little girl.

TURTLE:

Yes. We had the best of educations. In fact, we went to school every day--

ALICE:

I've been to day-school, too. What did you study?

TURTLE:

Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with. And then the different branches of Arithmetic -- Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision!

ALICE:

And what else had you to learn?

TURTLE:

Well, there was Mystery. Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography. Then Drawling. The Drawling-master was an old conger-eel that used to come once a week. He taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.

ALICE:

What was that like?

TURTLE:

Well, I can't show it to you myself. I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.

GRYPHON:

Hadn't time. I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was.

TURTLE:

I never went to him. He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.

GRYPHON:

So he did, so he did.

ALICE:

And how many hours a day did you do lessons?

TURTLE:

Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.

ALICE:

What a curious plan!

GRYPHON:

That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to day.

ALICE:

Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday.

TURTLE:

Of course it was.

ALICE:

And how did you manage on the twelfth?

GRYPHON:

That's enough about lessons. Tell her something about the games now.

TURTLE:

Huh? Oh. Must I really?

GRYPHON:

Yes, you must.

TURTLE:

Oh, all right. (TO ALICE) You may not have lived much under the sea--

ALICE:

Oh, I haven't.

TURTLE:

--and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster--

ALICE:

I once tasted l-- Oh. (QUICKLY) No, never. Never.

TURTLE:

--so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is!

ALICE:

No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?

MUSIC:

FOR THE DELIGHTFUL LOBSTER QUADRILLE

GRYPHON:

Why, you first form into a line along the sea-shore--

TURTLE:

(CORRECTION) Uh, two lines! Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way--

GRYPHON:

That generally takes some time.

TURTLE:

--you advance twice--

GRYPHON:

Each with a lobster as a partner!

TURTLE:

Of course. Advance twice, set to partners--

GRYPHON:

--change lobsters, and retire in same order.

TURTLE:

Then, you know, you throw--

GRYPHON:

--the lobsters!--

TURTLE:

--as far out to sea as you can--

GRYPHON:

Swim after them!

TURTLE:

Turn a somersault in the sea!

GRYPHON:

Change lobsters again!

TURTLE:

Back to land again, and--! (QUIETLY, SADLY) That's all there is to the first figure.

ALICE:

(GIGGLES) It must be a very pretty dance.

TURTLE:

Yes. Would you like to see a little of it?

ALICE:

Oh, very much indeed.

TURTLE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. (TO GRYPHON) Come, let's try the first figure, Gryphon. We can do it without the lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?

GRYPHON:

Uh, you sing. I've forgotten the words.

2ND NARR.:

So they began solemnly dancing around and 'round Alice, every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close, and waving their forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Turtle sang.

MUSIC:

FOR THE TURTLE'S SONG

TURTLE:

(SINGS)
'"Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail.
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.

See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle -- will you come and join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the daaaaaaaaaance?'

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH ... THEN IN BG

ALICE:

Thank you. It's a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that curious song about the whiting! But, if I'd been he, I'd have said to the porpoise, 'Keep back, please: we don't want you with us!'

TURTLE:

They were obliged to have him with them. No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.

ALICE:

Wouldn't it really?

TURTLE:

Of course not. Why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going on a journey, I should say 'With what porpoise?'

ALICE:

Oh, don't you mean 'purpose'?

TURTLE:

I mean what I say.

GRYPHON:

Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you another song?

ALICE:

Oh, a song, please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.

GRYPHON:

(DISAPPOINTED) Mmm. No accounting for tastes. (TO TURTLE) Sing her 'Turtle Soup,' will you, old fellow?

MUSIC:

FOR THE TURTLE'S SECOND SONG

TURTLE:

(SINGS)
Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties--? (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

FADES OUT WITH TURTLE ... PAUSE ... FADES IN, IN BG
GRYPHON: Come on, it's time to go to the trial.

ALICE:

What trial?

GRYPHON:

(MOVING OFF) Come on! Come on!

2ND NARR.:

And the Gryphon grabbed Alice by the hand and hurried her off without waiting for the end of the Mock Turtle's song. By the time Alice and the Gryphon had arrived at the courtroom, a great crowd had assembled there -- all sorts of little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards. The Knave stood before the court in chains. The White Rabbit, dressed in the livery of a herald, was near the throne where the King and Queen of Hearts were sitting.

1ST NARR.:

The King is also the judge, by the way; and as he is wearing his crown over his wig, he does not look at all comfortable, and it certainly isn't becoming.

2ND NARR.:

In the very middle of the court on a table, was a large dish of tarts. It made Alice hungry to look at them.

BIZ:

JURORS MURMUR, IN BG

ALICE:

(TO GRYPHON) I wish they'd get the trial done, and hand 'round the refreshments!

GRYPHON:

No chance of that. Them tarts is what the trial's all about.

ALICE:

What are the jurors writing on their slates for? They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.

GRYPHON:

They're writing down their names for fear they shall forget them before the end of the trial.

ALICE:

Stupid things!

MUSIC:

SLIGHT ACCENT ... THEN IN BG

BIZ:

JURORS MURMUR "STUPID THINGS" ... BRIEFLY, IN BG

ALICE:

Why, they're all writing 'stupid things!' on their slates -- and look! Several of them can't spell it correctly!

MUSIC:

TRUMPET FANFARE

RABBIT:

Silence in the court!

BIZ:

JURORS MURMURING SUBSIDES

KING:

Uh, Herald? Uh, read the accusation.

MUSIC:

TRUMPET FANFARE ... THEN ACCOMPANIMENT FOR THE RABBIT'S ACCUSATION

RABBIT:

(READS)
'The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!'

KING:

(PLEASED) Yes. (CHUCKLES) Consider your verdict, jury.

RABBIT:

No, no, no. Not yet, not yet, your Majesty! There's a great deal to come before that!

KING:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, all right, then. Call the first witness.

MUSIC:

TRUMPET FANFARE

RABBIT:

First witness! The Hatter -- sometimes called Mad!

HATTER:

I beg pardon, your Majesty, for bringing my tea and bread-and-butter with me: but I hadn't quite finished when I was sent for.

KING:

Well, you ought to have finished. When did you begin?

HATTER:

Fourteenth of March, I think it was.

HARE:

(LAUGHS) Fifteenth.

DORMOUSE:

Sixteenth!

KING:

Oh, uh-- (TO JURY) Write that down.

BIZ:

JURORS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT, THEN OUT BEHIND--

1ST NARR.:

The jury is writing down all three dates on their slates. Now, they add them up. And now they're reducing the answer to shillings and pence. Only all the answers are different.

2ND NARR.:

Just at this moment, Alice felt a very curious sensation, which she recognised at once. She was beginning to grow again. She decided, however, to remain in the courtroom as long as there was room for her. However, the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her, objected at once.

DORMOUSE:

I wish you wouldn't squeeze so. I can hardly breathe.

ALICE:

I can't help it. I'm growing.

DORMOUSE:

You've got no right to grow here.

ALICE:

Don't talk nonsense. You're growing, too.

DORMOUSE:

Yes, but I grow at a reasonable rate, not in that ridiculous fashion.

1ST NARR.:

The Hatter is so nervous under the gaze of the Queen, that he shakes himself out of both his shoes. And, in his confusion, he bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of his bread-and-butter.

HATTER:

(NERVOUS) I'm a poor man, your Majesty--

KING:

You're a very poor speaker. So I may as well have you executed on the spot.

BIZ:

COURTROOM CROWD REACTS

HATTER:

I'd rather finish my tea.

KING:

Oh, yes, yes. Your tea. (CHUCKLES) In that case, you may go.

HATTER:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, yes, your Majesty! I'm going--!

QUEEN:

(CALLS) --and just take his head off outside!

KING:

Oh, yes, yes. (CALLS) His head! (TO RABBIT) Call the next witness.

RABBIT:

(CALLS LOUDLY) Al-ice!

ALICE:

(STARTLED) What?! Me?!

RABBIT:

Yes! You!

KING:

(TO ALICE) Well, uh, what do you know about this business, eh?

ALICE:

Nothing!

KING:

Nothing whatever?

ALICE:

Nothing whatever.

KING:

Oh, that's very important.

RABBIT:

_Un_important, your Majesty means, of course.

KING:

_Un_important, of course, I meant. (MUMBLES TO HIMSELF) Important -- unimportant -- unimportant --

BIZ:

JURORS MURMUR

1ST NARR.:

Some of the jury writes 'important,' and some 'unimportant.' But it doesn't really matter.

KING:

Silence!

BIZ:

JURORS QUIET

KING:

I read from the rule book. (READS) 'Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high - will leave the court.'

ALICE:

(HEAVY ECHO TO INDICATE GREAT SIZE) I'm not a mile high.

KING:

Oh, yes, you are.

QUEEN:

Nearly two miles high.

KING:

See?

ALICE:

(ECHO) Well, I shan't go, at any rate. Besides, that's not a regular rule -- you invented it just now.

KING:

(FLUSTERED) It's the oldest rule in the book.

ALICE:

(ECHO) Then it ought to be Number One.

KING:

(FLUSTERED, DEFEATED, TO JURY) Consider your verdict.

RABBIT:

No, no! There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty.

KING:

Oh.

RABBIT:

This paper has just been picked up.

QUEEN:

What's in it?

RABBIT:

I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to, uh, to somebody.

KING:

Well, it must have been that. Unless it was written to nobody, which isn't at all usual, you know.

1ST JUROR:

Who is it directed to?

RABBIT:

It isn't directed at all. In fact, there's nothing written on the outside. (BEAT) Ah, it isn't a letter, after all: it's a set of verses.

2ND JUROR:

Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?

RABBIT:

No, they're not.

KING:

Oh! He must have imitated somebody else's hand.

QUEEN:

That proves his guilt! Go off with his head!

KING:

Yes.

ALICE:

(ECHO) It doesn't proves anything of the sort! Why, you don't even know what the verses are about!

KING:

Oh. (TO RABBIT) Uh, read them.

RABBIT:

Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?

KING:

Um, uh-- Begin anywhere, and - and stop! - er, when you like.

MUSIC:

TRUMPET FANFARE

RABBIT:

(READS)
['They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him:]
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true):
If she should push the matter on,
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

[If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts to you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.

My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

Don't let him know she liked them best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.]'

(TO KING) Ha! I think that's about enough, your Majesty.

KING:

Oh, that's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet. (CHUCKLES) So, uh, now let the jury consider--

ALICE:

(ECHO) I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it!

KING:

Hm? Oh. (CALLS UP TO ALICE, GOOD-NATURED) If there's no meaning in it, Alice, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. (DOUBTFUL, TO HIMSELF) And yet I don't know. I seem to find some meaning here. Hmm. (READS) '--said I could not swim--' (TO KNAVE) You can't swim, can you, Knave?

KNAVE:

Do I look like it?

1ST NARR.:

He certainly doesn't, being made entirely of cardboard.

KING:

(TO HIMSELF) Well, all right, so far. Now, continue-- (READS) 'We know it to be true--' (TO HIMSELF) That's the jury, of course. (READS) 'If she should push the matter on--' (TO HIMSELF) Oh, that must be the Queen. (READS) 'What would become of you?' (TO HIMSELF) Yes! What, indeed? (READS) 'I gave her one, they gave him two--' (TO HIMSELF) Why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know--

ALICE:

(ECHO) But, it goes on -- 'They all returned from him to you--'

KING:

(SPUTTERS) Well, well, well-- There they are!

1ST NARR.:

And so they are. The tarts are on the table.

KING:

(CALLS UP TO ALICE) Nothing can be clearer than that, eh? (CHUCKLES, TO HIMSELF) No. Then again-- (READS) "Before she had this fit--" (TO QUEEN) You never had fits, did you, my dear consort?

QUEEN:

Never! Off with somebody's -- anybody's -- head!

KING:

Then the words don't fit you! (CRACKS UP AT HIS JOKE, STOPS, HESITANT) That's a pun.

BIZ:

COURTROOM CROWD ROARS WITH LAUGHTER ... THEN QUICKLY OUT

KING:

(PLEASED) Thank you, thank you. Well, let the jury consider their verdict.

QUEEN:

No, no! Sentence first! Verdict afterwards!

ALICE:

(ECHO) Stuff and nonsense! The idea of having the sentence first!

QUEEN:

(CALLS) Hold your tongue!

ALICE:

(ECHO) I won't!

QUEEN:

Off with her head!

1ST NARR.:

But nobody moves. For Alice, who is now her full size and much too large for them to try to do anything about it, stands up -- dumping the jury box and its occupants onto the courtroom floor.

ALICE:

(ECHO) Who cares for you? You're nothing but a pack of cards!

MUSIC:

FOR AN ATTACKING PACK OF CARDS

2ND NARR.:

At this, the whole pack rose up into the air, and came flying down upon her!

ALICE:

(ECHO, STRUGGLES, LITTLE GASPS OF FEAR AND ANGER, IN BG)

2ND NARR.:

She gave little screams -- half of fright, half of anger -- and tried to beat them off.

MUSIC:

SOMETHING GENTLE FOR ALICE'S WAKING

ALICE:

(NO ECHO, STRUGGLES AND GASPS, IN BG)

2ND NARR.:

Then she found herself lying on the bank, with her head in the lap of her sister, who was gently brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered down from the trees upon her face.

SISTER:

Wake up. Wake up, Alice dear. Why, what a long sleep you've had.

ALICE:

Oh - Oh - ! Oh, sister! I've had such a curious dream -- all about a - a White Rabbit, and a Mock Turtle, and a Mad Hatter, and the Queen of Hearts, and a whole pack of cards! (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

FADES OUT WITH ALICE

ANNOUNCER:

And so ends the Columbia Workshop's dramatization of "Alice in Wonderland."

MUSIC:

A JAUNTY CLOSING THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Alice was played by Helen Claire. William N. Robson adapted and directed the production. Leith Stevens and Paul Sterrett wrote the original musical score, and Mr. Stevens conducted the orchestra. Tune in next week at this same time for another Workshop presentation under the direction of Irving Reis. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

TO A GENTLE FINISH