Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Easy Aces
Show: Jane goes into the Christmas Card Business
Date: Date Unknown

JANE GOES INTO THE CHRISTMAS CARD BUSINESS

MUSIC:

MANHATTAN SERENADE

ACE:

Ladies and gentlemen, Easy Aces.

MUSIC OUT

ACE:

Once upon a time there was a happy couple who never argued about money. If the people next door bought a big new car, but she had to go on the subway, she never complained . . . If on her birthday he just gave her a kiss instead of an expensive present, it was all right with her . . . If he wanted to go to a neighborhood movie instead of an expensive Broadway show, she never objected . . . Then they were married. And we've been arguing about money ever since.

JANE:

Dear, in all the years we've been married, I never did know exactly how much money you make.

ACE:

Let's keep it that way, shall we?

JANE:

No, we won't. Because I can't get along on the money you give me. And I don't know how much more to ask you for.

ACE:

Well, what is it that you haven't got, that you need?

JANE:

Oh - they're too humorous to mention. I don't mean to say that we're living in squandor -

ACE:

Squandor - yes -

JANE:

But it's just that little things come up around the house, and I just can't make both ends neat You know what I think we're trying to do, dear?

ACE:

What?

JANE:

We're trying to live within our income.

ACE:

Shame on us.

JANE:

Exactly. Now tell me, dear, how much money do you make?

ACE:

I have a drawing account of fifty-two hundred a year.

JANE:

Fifty-two hundred a year - is that all?

ACE:

Do you know many people who make five thousand a year?

JANE:

Oh five thousand two hundred - why didn't you say so?

ACE:

Trying to hold out on you.

JANE:

Now let me see-five thousand two hundred a year - fifty-two weeks a year - that's ten dollars a wee - no.

ACE:

No.

JANE:

I forgot to carry the cider.

ACE:

That's what makes it hard. But then of course I get a Christmas bonus.

JANE:

When do you get that?

ACE:

Decoration Day.

JANE:

Wait a minute - Christmas - that gives me an idea. What do you think if I made some extra money selling Christmas cards?

ACE:

In May, Jane?

JANE:

What of it? May, Jane, July, August, the summer's over - Labor Day, October, my birthday, November, Thanksgiving, and boom - it's Christmas.

ACE:

I think I'll go down and shake up the furnace,

JANE:

All I have to do is get the cards, and some paint, take the orders and make money. There must be a big profit in Christmas cards, doesn't it to you, dear?

ACE:

I don't know what the profit is, but you're not -

JANE:

Oh sure you know what profit is - profit and loss -

ACE:

Yes, I know -

JANE:

Profit is the money you make and loss is the money you don't.

ACE:

Loss is the money you -

JANE:

But why think about loss? What have I got to lose? Just two things - the cost of the cards, the cost of the paint, and my time.

ACE:

Just those two

JANE:

Yes sir, this is it. I can get rich. The only way to get rich is to make money.

ACE:

Fine way to get rich - selling Christmas greetings.

JANE:

I can't miss - it's in the cards.

MUSIC BRIDGE:

WHITE CHRISTMAS

ACE:

(HUMS) Beautiful song, isn't it? Especially in summertime. It's around the middle of December that it gets monotonous - when your radio bangs it at you all day long - or Bings it at you. Well, let me see - it was the next day around noon - when I had gone out to lunch - that Jane came down to my office in the advertising firm of Dutton, Sutton, Mutton and Norris, and took my secretary, Miss Anderson, into the Christmas card business as a partner. She couldn't have made a wiser choice. Miss Anderson is sharp as a marble. Witness this business conference:

JANE:

And I thought we could use your desk as our office, Sally, and sell our Christmas cards right from here. Do you wanta be a partner?

ANDERSON:

Christmas cards in May, Jane?

JANE:

Oh what of it - May, Jane, July August, and the summer's over. Labor Day, October, my birthday, November, Thanksgiving and boom - it's Christmas.

ANDERSON:

Well, when you put it that way, Jane - but I don't know much about business - I have my hands full taking dictation here and -

JANE:

All we have to do is get some cards - raw cards - and we take orders from people and paint on the cards whatever they want

ANDERSON:

But can you paint Christmas cards, Jane? I don't think I can,

JANE:

Well what's hard about that? Sure you can - a little snow, a little mistletoe, and Merry Christmas.

ANDERSON:

Yes, but how about church windows? People like church windows on Christmas cards. I do. They're hard to paint.

JANE:

Not if you leave 'em open . . . Stop being so practical. All we have to do is buy some raw cards, and some paint, and start some advertising.

ANDERSON:

But Jane that's gonna take money. I haven't any money.

JANE:

Who's got money? If I had money do you think I'd be going into business?

ANDERSON:

Well how do you get the cards and the paint and the advertising? That takes money.

JANE:

We charge it.

ANDERSON:

Charge it to who?

JANE:

Well we charge it to - oh Sally, I think that should be charge it "to whom."

ANDERSON:

Oh yes.

JANE:

To is a proposition or something, and you have to say whom. No offense of course.

ANDERSON:

Oh no, that's all right, Jane.

JANE:

You're welcome - now uh - what was the question again?

ANDERSON:

Charge it to whom? You've got to pay for the cards and all that stuff.

JANE:

Oh no, you've got the cards before the horse. First we sell 'em and the money we have left over is the profit.

ANDERSON:

But suppose we don't have any money left over.

JANE:

Well, that's the money they call a loss.

ANDERSON:

What do we do with that?

JANE:

There isn't much you can do with it - pay our bills and things like that. For the cards and the paint and the advertising - and that's where you come in, Sally. They use a lot of cards and paint around the office here - where do you order it from?

ANDERSON:

All our stationery comes from the Zenith Printing Company and our paint from the Royal Paint Company -

JANE:

Well OK, partner, let's get busy - call 'em up - let's order the stuff. Get 'em on the phone - you've gotta do something if you're gonna make all this money. What do you think this is - Christmas?

MUSIC BRIDGE:

JINGLE BELLS

ACE:

And this is how I was taken for a sleigh ride in a one horse open business. First they called the printer:

ANDERSON:

Hello, Mr. O'Brien, this is Miss Anderson - Mr. Ace's secretary.

PRINTER:

(VERY IRISH) (FILTER) Oh yes, Miss Anderson, and how's Mr. Ace?

ANDERSON:

He's OK, if you like, Mr. Ace. But Mrs. Ace wants to speak to you, Mr. O'Brien.

JANE:

Gimme, Sally.

PRINTER:

Mrs. Ace? Well I've never met the lady.

JANE:

Hello, Mr. O'Brien, this is Mrs. Ace. I want to order some raw cards to make some Christmas cards.

PRINTER:

Christmas cards in May?

JANE:

Another one. What of it? May Jane July and August - oh I'm not going through that again - do you have the cards, Mr. O'Brien?

PRINTER:

Sure - how many do you want - a gross?

JANE:

A gross? How many is that about?

PRINTER:

A dozen dozen - is that too many?

JANE:

No, a dozen dozen doesn't seem too many, does it, Sally?

ANDERSON:

No, a dozen dozen doesn't seem too many.

JANE:

OK, Mr. O'Brien - a gross.

PRINTER:

OK - and charge 'em to Dutton, Sutton, Mutton and Norris, I suppose?"

JANE:

Well -

PRINTER:

Thank you, Mrs. Ace. Goodbye.

JINGLE BELL . . . SHORT

ACE:

Then they called the paint company.

JANE:

I'd like to order some paint - mostly red and green - it's for painting some Christmas cards.

PAINT

COMPANY:

(FILTER) Christmas cards in May?

JANE:

What of it? Why does everybody say in May? This is getting jerksome. Is this a democracy or isn't it?

JINGLE BELLS . . . SHORT

ACE:

After charging the paint supplies to me, they called a little radio station to buy some advertising time:

JANE:

And so I want to advertise some Christmas cards for sale . . . (PAUSE) Well, what of it?

RADIOMAN:

(FILTER) I didn't say anything.

JANE:

Oh I thought you were gonna say "in May?" Well do you think you can find a nice place on your radio station for our little advertisement?

RADIOMAN:

I may.

JANE:

There's that May again. What of it - May - Jane - July -

MUSIC BRIDGE:

JINGLE BELLS

ACE:

So the two card sharps charged everything to me and I didn't know a thing about it. The radio station sent them a complicated contract, There was a thirteen-week clause, a non-cancelable clause, and a clause charging everything to me. The Santa Clause . . . Now we fade - it's a week later - after dinner at home. I'm sitting there reading the baseball scores while Jane and Miss Anderson are getting out Christmas cards . . . There's a parlay for you . . . Over the corner of my newspaper I overhear this choice bit of dialogue:

ANDERSON:

Whew! Let's rest a while, Jane.

JANE:

Me too. Doesn't it get hot painting all this snow?

ANDERSON:

I'm surprised it stays on in this weather. Haha.

JANE:

Haha that's pretty good - surprised it stays on. Dear, did you hear - oh he's reading the paper.

ANDERSON:

Jane I'm getting kinda worried - we haven't had one order for cards.

JANE:

Well, my goodness, Sally, we've only advertised one week - home wasn't built in a day. But when they start to call, we'll be ready for 'em. We've got forty cards painted - we're making very good headwork.

ANDERSON:

Maybe we started this business a little too early. It's seven months till Christmas. Could it be we're a little premature?

JANE:

Please, Sally, not in front of him.

ANDERSON:

No, I mean maybe we should have taken a holiday a little closer. Maybe Thanksgiving. We could change the cards, you know.

JANE:

Yeh, these reindeer do look a little like turkeys; but Sally, we can't change horses in mid-spring.

ANDERSON:

Are you sure, Jane, you advertised the right phone number?

JANE:

Sure, I'm sure. I gave both telephone numbers - the house, and the office. Don't worry so much, Sally. It's a little slow now, but business'll pick up by creeps and bounds. (PHONE UP AND DIAL) We'll be selling Christmas cards like a horse on fire before you even - dear - what are you doing?

ACE:

What? I'm just calling up the drugstore to get some cigars.

JANE:

Put that phone down. That's a business phone.

ACE:

Business phone - I need some cigars.

JANE:

Somebody might be trying to put in an order and all that business goes up in smoke. If you want cigars why don't you walk up to the corner and get some.

ACE:

Isn't that awful, All right I'll go up to the corner.

JANE:

Thanks dear. All right, Sally, let's get back to work - now be careful - not too much snow - you've got snow all over these things, and I - dear, haven't you gone yet? What are you looking for?

ACE:

My ear muffs and goulashes.

MUSIC BRIDGE:

WINTER WONDERLAND

ACE:

I mushed out of our apartment and down the corridor, I suddenly got a brilliant idea. I stopped short. "Whoa prancer - whoa dancer - whoa Martha Graham." I pulled the sled up in front of the one and a half room igloo of our next door neighbor, Ken Roberts - he's the radio announcer.

KEN:

Well, come in, Mr. Ace - where's Jane?

ACE:

Jane is busy getting out Christmas cards.

KEN:

Christmas cards in May?

ACE:

What of it? May, June, July, Saratoga, September, Bowie, November, Santa Anita and boom it's Christmas. May I use your phone, Ken?

KEN:

Sure - whatsa matter, your phone out of order?

ACE:

No it's a business phone - Jane and her cousin, Miss Anderson, have gone into the Christmas card business and they haven't had any orders yet, so I thought I'd help 'em out.

KEN:

Oh, I get it - go ahead use the phone.

ACE:

I hate to bother you.

KEN:

Oh, it's quite all right. Anytime. Make your call.

ACE:

Thank you. (COIN DROPS IN PHONE, AND DIALS)

KEN:

Do you think she'll recognize your voice?

ACE:

(WESTERN DRAWL) Oh, I don't think so, pardner.

KEN:

Hey, that's good. Ever thought of going on the radio, Mr. Ace?

ACE:

Where I hail from we call that rodeo, son:

JANE:

(FILTER) Hello.

ACE:

Hello there!

JANE:

Yes? Who are you calling, please?

ACE:

I understand you're sellin' Christmas cards, ma'am.

JANE:

Christmas cards - yes, sir - just a minute, sir - pencil, Sally - yes, sir - what can I do for you, sir?

ACE:

Well sir, how much are they, ma'am?

JANE:

Well we have different prices - depends on how many you want to buy - the more you buy the cheaper it is - like we charge five dollars for one dozen, but if you buy two dozen, we charge seven fifty - the more you buy the less they are. How many did you want, sir?

ACE:

One.

JANE:

One?

ACE:

One, ma'am

JANE:

One dozen, you mean?

ACE:

No ma'am, just one card.

JANE:

Just one card - one? The first number in the alphabet?

ACE:

Uh - yes, that's right ma'am -

JANE:

Well - how about all your friends?

ACE:

I don't have any friends, ma'am - just my horse on the lone prairie . . . How much would one card be, ma'am?

JANE:

Well, I don't know exactly

ACE:

What kind of business you runnin' that you don't know the prices?

JANE:

Oh, I know the prices for a dozen or two dozen and so so and so so - but we just haven't figured how much one would be:

ACE:

We? Who's we, gal?

JANE:

My partner and I

ACE:

Howdy, partner.

JANE:

Howdy . . . What did you say your name was?

ACE:

My name's Austin Dallas - from Fort Worth, ma'am. My friends call me Cheyenne.

JANE:

Howdy.

ACE:

Howdy, pardner. Wanta have something special on my Christmas card.

JANE:

Well, we have some with snow - some with holly - and some with open church windows.

ACE:

No cactus?

JANE:

Cactus in snow? I never heard of that.

ACE:

I never heard of Christmas cards in May.

JANE:

Oh, you too . . .

ACE:

What's that, gal?

JANE:

Nothing. Well if you want cactus, we'll give you cactus. But you'll have to call me back and I'll let you know how much one'll cost. Call me back in about an hour.

ACE:

Adios, amigo. Buenos pancho, rancho grande.

JANE:

Uh - yippee.

MUSIC BRIDGE:

HOME ON THE RANGE

ACE:

Well, strangers, after makin' that telephone call, I moseyed on over to my own corral, dusted the sagebrush off my chaps, unbowed my legs and walked in, There they were - two empty saddles . . . Messin' around with old paint - and new Christmas cards.

JANE:

Dear, you missed it - we just had an order.

ACE:

Really, Jane?

ANDERSON:

Some order - one Christmas card.

JANE:

Sally, I know that's about the least anybody can order, but it's a good start. Now all we have to figure out is how much to charge him,

ACE:

Who is he, Jane?

JANE:

I don't know - sounds like a cowboy or something - talked with a Western drool. And instead of mistletoe, he wants cactuses on the card.

ACE:

Cacti, Jane.

JANE:

Beg pardon?

ACE:

The plural of cactus is cacti.

JANE:

Oh, I didn't know that, dear. Thanks.

ACE:

You're welcome, Jane - glad to be of service - call me any time - I'm in the book,

ANDERSON:

Well, so much for grammar how about arithmetic, Jane - how much are we gonna charge him?

JANE:

Well that's the fly in the oatmeal. Now let's figure it out - the more you buy, the less it is, is that right?

ANDERSON:

That's right, Jane.

JANE:

Then the less you buy, the more it is. Did I say that right?

ANDERSON:

I think so.

JANE:

Wait - I'll say that over again. Now listen carefully.

ACE:

I'm listening.

JANE:

Not you, dear. Now stop that.

ACE:

What did I do?

JANE:

I don't like that tone in your eye. We're talking business. We've gotta figure this out before he calls back. Please stay out of it.

ACE:

Well, I can see I'm not wanted around here - I think I'll go over and visit with Ken Roberts for a while.

JANE:

Yes you do that, dear - wait a minute - you're not going visiting looking like that, are you? Button up your shirt collar and put on your necktus.

ACE:

Necktus?

JANE:

Cactus, cacti - necktus, necktie.

MUSIC BRIDGE

ACE:

Ken, do you remember that name I used before?

KEN:

Somewhere in Texas wasn't it?

ACE:

Oh yeh - uh - Dallas, uh -

JANE:

(FILTER) Hello.

ACE:

(WESTERN) Hello there, ma'am,

JANE:

Hello there.

ACE:

Have you figured out how much that Christmas card is gonna cost me?

JANE:

My partner and I are just figuring it out.

ACE:

Howdy, pardner.

JANE:

Howdy. Well, here's the way we figured it out. The more you buy, the less you pay. So the less you pay the more you buy. Did I say that right?

ACE:

No, I don't think so, ma'am.

JANE:

No, I wasn't asking you did I say that right. I was asking my partner did I say that right.

ACE:

Howdy, pardner.

JANE:

Howdy. Just a minute. I'll ask her again. Uh - hold your horse.

ACE:

Whoa, there . . .

KEN:

What did she say?

ACE:

She's asking Miss Anderson. They're trying to figure out just how much -

JANE:

Hello.

ACE:

Hello there, pardner.

JANE:

Uh - hello there, pardner. Well, this is the way we figured it out. We can't break a dozen, so we'll sell you a dozen for five dollars. And you can use one if you want to, or all of 'em That's our blackbottom price.

ACE:

But I can't use a dozen, ma'am. Nobody to send 'em to.

JANE:

Well, my advice to you is to be friendlier between now and Christmas.

ACE:

I'll just stick to my old horse.

JANE:

Aren't you married?

ACE:

Gosh no, ma'am.

JANE:

Well, would you like to meet a nice young lady, who is a very good secretary, and owns half interest in a Christmas card business, and is willing to travel west?

ACE:

I'll just stick to my horse. I don't mind paying five dollars, ma'am but I want something pretty good for my money. Something new, something novel. Rustle up something for me and I'll call you later, ma'am.

JANE:

All right - call me back in half an hour.

ACE:

I'll do that, ma'am - (HANGS UP)

KEN:

They still haven't caught on?

ACE:

No, Ken, but I'm afraid they might - if I keep walking out every time the call comes through - so you call while I'm over there. Can you do western talk?

KEN:

(WESTERN DRAWL) Sure as shootin', pardner - right as rain - we're pals out here in the West where men are men, and women are glad of it, pardner.

ACE:

OK, Ken, don't ham it up.

KEN:

Smile when you say that, stranger.

MUSIC BRIDGE

ANDERSON:

No, Jane, I don't think that's enough.

JANE:

Well it's certainly different - he said he wanted something different. (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) And I think this is just what - oh, is that you, dear.

ACE:

(OFF) Yes, Jane.

JANE:

Well, dear, you missed it again. He just called again. Every time you go out he calls.

ACE:

Your customer?

JANE:

Yes, you're never here when he calls.

ACE:

Strange, isn't it?

ANDERSON:

Yeah, I'm beginning to think it's very strange, if you know what I mean.

ACE:

No, I don't know what you mean.

JANE:

What do you mean, Sally?

ANDERSON:

Jane, doesn't it strike you as peculiar that every time that man calls your husband isn't here?

JANE:

Sally, I just said that, please pay attention.

ACE:

Yes, pay attention.

JANE:

Dear, do you think this is novel enough - he said he wants something different - so I made this up. Happy Christmas, Merry New Year.

ACE:

Happy Christmas?

JANE:

Yeah, instead of visa firma. Instead of Merry Christmas, Happy -

ACE:

Yes, I get it, Jane. But I don't think that's so novel. Here, I've got an idea - give me that pencil - now watch this - First you paint x-m-a-s straight up and down - Now after the M you put "a-r-k-s." - Makes it Marks. After the S you write p-o-t - spot. Makes it spot. Now you've got X marks a Spot and under that you paint where I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

JANE:

Hey, dear, that's pretty good - look, Sally - did you see that?

ANDERSON:

I'm still wondering why he's never here when those phone calls come in. Jane, I suspect foul play.

JANE:

What are you talking about, Sally? You're always trying to complicate things, instead of trying to simplicate them.

ANDERSON:

Well, it just strikes me as peculiar that he's never here when the phone rings.

ACE:

Miss Anderson, are you implying that I made those phone calls?

JANE:

You, dear! How could you make 'em - wouldn't I know your voice? Besides you're married. And where would you get a horse? You couldn't have called. Did you?

(PHONE RINGS)

 

ACE:

Jane, how could you doubt me.

ANDERSON:

Jane, the telephone.

JANE:

Oh the phone - now we'll see what's going on here or not. (PHONE UP) Hello.

KEN:

(WESTERN) (FILTER) Hello there.

JANE:

Uh - hold the phone, please. Hello, dear.

ACE:

Hello, Jane, what's that for?

JANE:

Sorry I doubted you, dear. Forgive me?

ACE:

I'll think it over, Jane.

JANE:

That's sweet. (WESTERN) Hello there, pardner.

KEN:

Hello there, pardner.

JANE:

Well we sure got a novel idea. The card is gonna say X-M-A-S - only we're gonna write in some extra words so it'll say X Marks a Spot where I wish you a Merry Christmas. You see?

KEN:

Sounds great, pardner - mighty fine - I'll take a thousand of 'em.

JANE:

A thousand - you want a thousand cards now?

ANDERSON:

A thousand?

ACE:

Thousand - what's he doing -

JANE:

I thought you said you only wanted one - for your horse.

KEN:

Just bought a thousand head of cattle, ma'am. Don't want no hard feelin's between my cattle and my horse.

JANE:

But you know a thousand cards will cost a lot of money.

KEN:

Money - what's money to me?

JANE:

Just a minute, please - Sally, he wants a thousand cards - we'll have to buy more cards right away - more paint -

ACE:

Wait a minute, Jane - this is getting out of hand - this little project is gonna run into money now - he doesn't want a thousand cards.

JANE:

He did too, Here, you ask him if he didn't.

ACE:

OK. Hello.

KEN:

(WESTERN) Hello there, tenderfoot.

ACE:

OK - take it easy - don't get carried away.

KEN:

Hold on, stranger - what's your handle?

ACE:

Enough is enough, if you know what I mean.

KEN:

Enough - where I hail from down in Texas "enough" is for poor folks.

ACE:

Very good - yes - but you better tell the ladies you don't really want a thousand cards.

JANE:

Dear, don't say that -

KEN:

Pardner, when I say a thousand, I mean a thousand.

ACE:

Yes - yes - look, they're gonna run a printing bill - and paint - now let's don't overdo this thing - I don't want this to cost money.

JANE:

Dear, gimme that phone.

KEN:

Money - what's money to me, pardner -

ACE:

All right, character actor -

KEN:

I got oil wells - cotton gins - tobacco plantations - mint juleps - banjo on my knee - sun shines east, sun shines west, but I know where the sun shines best.

ACE:

Look, Jolso - look, mister - I know you're rolling in money - but don't you think you better tell the ladies you wanta see one sample card first?

KEN:

OK, pardner - I'll take a thousand sample cards.

ACE:

One sample card, OK -

KEN:

Down where I come from we don't take one of nothing.

ACE:

Yes, sir, one sample, I'll tell them.

KEN:

(FADING) I got oil wells - cotton gins - tobacco plantations -

MUSIC BRIDGE:

DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS

ACE:

Well, that's what comes of giving an announcer too many lines to read. He nearly cost me a lot of money, but I convinced the Christmas card magnates to have only one card made. However, the next morning at the office there suddenly appeared on my desk some strange bills. I called in Miss Anderson. What are these bills for, Miss Anderson?

ANDERSON:

Bills?

ACE:

Yes, printer - paint company - radio station - you don't mean you and Jane have been charging all this stuff to me.

ANDERSON:

Well, we're gonna pay it back from the money we make on the thousand cards.

ACE:

Oh no - two hundred dollars' worth of bills I'm gonna be stuck for.

(DOOR OPENS)

 

ANDERSON:

But you're not stuck for it - we're gonna pay you back -

(DOOR CLOSES)

 

JANE:

Dear, guess what happened.

ANDERSON:

Hello, Jane.

JANE:

Sally - the printer just called me up.

ACE:

Just a minute, Jane - you charged this two hundred dollars' worth of junk to me?

JANE:

Well you don't have to worry about it, dear. You know that sample card I gave to Mr. O'Brien, the printer?

ACE:

I'm not interested in -

JANE:

He just called me up and he said he likes the idea so much he wants to buy it for five hundred dollars.

ACE:

I'm not interested - five hundred dollars?

JANE:

He just called me. Shall I take it?

ACE:

Shall you take it? You'll take it and pay this two hundred dollars' worth of bills,

ANDERSON:

Jane, we make three hundred dollars clear profit

JANE:

You see, Sally? That's the profit I was telling you about. You see, dear, is that using the old chromium Or isn't it?

ACE:

Look, chromo, you're lucky I didn't get stuck for those bills. And after this please don't charge anything to - (DOOR OPENS) - this office,

KEN:

(ENTERING) Hello, folks.

JANE:

Ken, guess what happened. I sold the idea for five hundred dollars.

KEN:

Yeh? Gee, that's great, Jane.

ANDERSON:

Oh but, Jane, suppose that man calls for his Christmas cards.

ACE:

Don't worry about that, he won't call. There isn't any customer.

JANE:

How can you say that, dear?

ACE:

How can I say that - (WESTERN) Hello there.

JANE:

Oh there he is, Sally - you answer it, and tell him.

ACE:

No, Jane, that was I. I was the one that called you.

JANE:

You? You were there when he called?

KEN:

(WESTERN) Hello there.

JANE:

Oh there he is again. I'll answer this time.

KEN:

Haha, no, Jane, I did that. I called last night. Pretty good, wasn't it? Haha.

ACE:

Hahaha - that was a good one on you, wasn't it, Jane?

JANE:

Oh yes? Well the laugh's on the other foot now - I made three hundred dollars, didn't we, Sally?

ANDERSON:

And I know just what I'm gonna buy with my half, Jane.

JANE:

Let's go shopping. We'll charge it, dear. And we'll pay you when we get the money from the printer.

ACE:

OK - go ahead.

BOTH:

(EXIT) (TALKING TOGETHER) I saw the cutest dress, Jane - I've gotta get some shoes - you come with me first - all right - (DOOR CLOSES)

ACE:

Well that was a narrow escape. I almost got stuck for two hundred dollars - if they hadn't sold that thing to the printer -

KEN:

Wait till they find out about that.

ACE:

What?

KEN:

(IRISH) Sure and I called Jane up and told her I was Mr. O'Brien, the printer, and I asked 'em would they be after taking five hundred dollars for their cards.

ACE:

Oh no -

KEN:

Son of the old sod - by Killarney's lakes and waters - with a banjo on my knee -

ACE:

Isn't that awful.

MUSIC PLAYOFF