Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Fibber McGee and Molly
Show: Fibber Needs Glasses
Date: Apr 15 1941

Transcript courtesy the Crosley Radio Players

Wilcox:

The Johnson's Wax program with Fibber McGee and Molly!

Music:

Theme up, then under

Wilcox:

The makers of Johnson's Wax, and Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-coat present Fibber McGee and Molly, written by Don Quinn....

Music:

up and out

Wilcox:

The other day I read an interesting letter from a talented lady who said she and her husband always listen to Fibber McGee and Molly on Tuesday night. They never miss it, because it's her husband's favorite radio show. But he's never bought her any Johnson's Wax or Self-Polish- ing Glo-Coat. Well that was hard for me to figure out. My wife never asks me if she can buy anything like that. But let me make just this one little point about Johnson's Glo-Coat: Forget for a moment all the work it saves your little wife; forget the compliments she'll get from your friends when they see those gleaming linoleum floors wearing their pro- tective coats of Glo-Coat polish. But think for a moment about this fact: Glo-Coat makes linoleum last much longer, protects it from wear and tear. And I think you'll agree with me that NOT to insist upon your wife using Glo-Coat is just bad business. Remember: Glo-Coat need no rubbing or buffing. It's self-polishing. Try some tomorrow!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Wilcox:

Well, it's been quite an argument going on this last week at 79 Wistful Vista. Mrs. McGee says her husband should go see an oculist. Mr. McGee says he'll do no such thing. Sooooooo, here sitting in the office of Wistful Vista's leading oculist we find....FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Molly:

Oh, now stop your fidgeting, McGee. The doctor will see you in just a few minutes.

Fibber:

I don't care if he EVER sees me! This whole idea is silly! I don't need glasses.

Molly:

Oh, you don't?

Fibber:

No

Molly:

I suppose you were just kidding this morning when you yelled 'Hey! I found a quarter!' and then you picked up the manhole cover?

Fibber:

Well, shucks...there's nothing really wrong with my eyes at all. I just strained them a little looking for that comet, that's all.

Molly:

Well, I'm glad to hear you even admit that. Heavenly days, it's no disgrace to wear glasses.

Fibber:

Oh, you just say that on account of Uncle Dennis.

Molly:

He doesn't wear glasses.

Fibber:

Oh, no? He's worn out most of ours, one way or another.

Molly:

Well, you'll admit he carries it like a gentleman.

Fibber:

(chuckling) Yeah, he even hiccups with a Harvard accent. (pause) Look, Molly, you know very well my eye strain is just a temporary condition. I don't.......

SFX:

Door open

Old Timer: (off mic but loudly) Goodbye, Doc! (coming up to mic) Sure is a load
off my mind!!

Fibber:

Oh, hello there old timer. Been getting your eyes examined?

Old timer:

Yep! As the chemist said when the dye factory blew up, I came out with flyin' colors!

Molly:

(chucking) Well, what did the doctor tell you?

Old timer:

Oh, he says I didn't have a thing to worry about, daughter. Says I'll be readin' newspapers without glasses when I'm 95.

Fibber:

Well, that's swell, old timer. I'm glad to hear it. What's the matter with your eyes?

Old timer:

Got a twitch in one of them, Johnny.

Molly:

(sympathetically) Awwwww. (pause) Nervous?

Old timer:

Not until I had my face slapped the third time.

Fibber:

They thought you were a masher, eh? (chuckles) Well, as I always said old timer, the trouble with flirtin' is, you're generally flirtin' with trouble

Molly:

(chuckles)

Old timer:

(high pitched laugh) That's pretty good, Johnny! BUT THAT AIN'T THE WAY I HEEERD IT! The way I heeerd it, which was 't other day, when I was settin' in a little booth, getting' my pants pressed, cuz the guard needed some rain, and it always rains when I get my pants pressed which is why they don't have any women in the weather bureau. (forgets where he is) Ahhhh...

Fibber:

(interrupting) Yeah, but the way YOU heeerd it....

Old timer:

Oh! Oh yeah! One feller say to t'other feller, saaaaaaaaaaaaay, Ted,
I see where a young college feller pole vaulted more than 15 feet, to a new world's record last Saturday. Ain't that wonderful? Yeah, says t'other feller. But he never coulda done it without that big stick! (laughs at his own joke) Well, I guess the doctor will be seein' you in a minute, kids.

Molly:

Well, thanks mister old timer. He said he thought your eyes were all right?

Old timer:

Yep! Says I'll be readin' newspapers without glasses when I'm 95.

Fibber:

Hmmm.

Old timer:

On one condition

Fibber:

What's the condition?

Old timer:

Gotta learn to READ! S'long, kids!

SFX:

Door slam

Molly:

I wonder how old he is, McGee?

Fibber:

Search me, but I'd swear he wears a TP

Molly:

Naaaw (pause) You mean a frappe.

Fibber:

(pause) I do not! A frappe is a small sedan.

Molly:

No, McGee that's a cou-pay.

Fibber:

What's a TP?

Molly:

A TP is a wigwam.

Fibber:

That's what I've been trying to say! To keep his wig wam he has to wear a TP!

Molly:

(pause) Awwww, dear! That joke was old when radio was just a funny noise from Schenectady. (long pause) Awww, I wish that doctor would hurry.

Fibber: Awww, we're not in any hurry....besides, that other guy's ahead of us.

Molly:

Who?

Fibber:

That guy standing over there in the corner. (pause) Hey! take your hat off, mister! There's a lady present.

Molly:

McGee, that's a hat rack!

Fibber:

Huh? Ohhh!! (embarrassed) Well, I just......

SFX:

Door open

Doctor:

(coming up to mic) All right, Mister McGee, you're next, I believe. Will you step in here, please?

Fibber:

OK, doc

Doctor:

You may come, too if you wish, Mrs. McGee.

Molly:

Oh, thank you, doctor.

SFX:

Door shut

Fibber:

(nervous laugh) Now you understand I am just doing this to humor my wife, doc. My eyes are as good as they ever were.

Doctor:

Well, we'll see...we'll see. (pause) We'll just give you a preliminary examination, mister McGee. There's nothing to worry about.

Fibber:

Who's worryin'??

Doctor:

I am!

Molly:

What about?

Doctor:

Oh, nothing in particular...I just worry. It gives me that busy professional frown, you know. Very valuable in professional people. Now Mister McGee, I want you to read the chart for me.

Fibber:

X K M Z O P L B W

Molly:

Isn't that wonderful, doctor?

Doctor:

(annoyed) It certainly is. (pause) NOW, I'll put up the chart and see if he can do it. (pause for laugh) Now then, Mister McGee, read the top line.

Fibber:

The top line from the bottom?

Molly:

Quit stalling, McGee, read the chart.

Fibber:

(upset) He cheated! That ain't the chart I'm familiar with!

Doctor:

Look, Mister McGee, I'm afraid I'll have to relax the muscles of your eyes before I can examine them properly. They're a bit strained, you know.

Molly:

Ohhh, and how will you do that, doctor?

Doctor:

We'll put drops in them.....relaxes the muscles and enlarges the pupil.

Molly:

Ohhh

Doctor:

His vision will be blurred for a few a few hours, then I want him to come back. Say in about three hours?

Fibber:

(fearful) Awww now wait a minute, doc......

Molly:

Now, McGee!

Fibber:

Huh?

Molly:

Who knows best? You or the doctor? You don't either! Go ahead, doctor.

Doctor:

Very well. Open your eyes wide, McGee.

Fibber:

(whimper)

Doctor:

(annoyed) Not your mouth, your eyes! (softening) That's it! Yes, yes, yes. OK... 1...2...THERE! Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

Fibber:

(relaxing) Well, I guess I'll live through it. I ain't scared.

Doctor:

Then why are you trembling?

Fibber:

I'm NOT trembling!

Molly:

The doctor ought to know, dearie, you're holding HIS hand.

Fibber:

Huh? (embarrassed) Oh! I thought that was yours, Molly. (nervous chuckle) excuse me, doc!

Doctor:

That's all right. I'll have the circulation back in that hand in no time. (pause) Well, that's all for now, Mister McGee. Remember: back here in three hours. Yes, yes, yes

Molly:

Well, errr what will we do in the meantime?

Fibber:

Well, we might go sit in a movie.

Molly:

Oh, don't be silly! You couldn't see the picture and the dialog wouldn't make sense.

Doctor:

Oh, that's all right, Mrs. McGee, (chuckles) Who is HE to criticize senseless dialog? (pause) Don't you worry about your eyes, Mister McGee, there may be nothing at all wrong, you know. Nothing at all...

Fibber:

(hopefully) Oh, I'm not worried, doc. All us Mcgees have had good eyes. Particularly the men in the family. Why, even when I was a tiny baby, people used to say, 'can you imagine such beautiful eyes in a mugg like that?' (short pause) Eyes-a-muggin McGee I was known in those days.

Molly:

Oh, my....

Fibber:

(pompously) Eyes-a-muggin McGee, a magnificent masculine mess of muscle and mental magnitude mentioned in m'lady's monthly magazines as the mighty male who managed to mesmerize most of the merry minx of Monte Carlo, and the majority of Marcelle's maidens of Manhattan and many of the magnetic misses of Mississippi, Missouri, Michigan, Montana, Minneapolis, Minnesota. A merry mass of manhood with a touch of Irish, awwww but let's get going, Molly, or I'll believe this stuff myself!

Musical EFX:

Transition

SFX:

Restaurant sounds, clinking silverware and plates, background conversations

Fibber:

This is a swell idea of yours, Molly, stoppin' in here for a bite to eat instead of settin' in the park.

Molly:

How are your eyes, dearie? Is the medicine wearing off?

Fibber:

Oh, sure! I can see better now that I....Ooops!! (chuckles)

Molly:

What's the matter?

Fibber:

(chuckling still) I guess I'm kinda clumsy today. I dropped the top off the ketchup bottle and into the sugar bowl. (chuckles)

Molly:

That was an olive, and you dropped it in the cream pitcher, and there's no ketchup on the table. (pause) Heavenly days, it's a good thing I'm with you or goodness knows what.... (pause) Uh-oh, McGee!

Fibber:

Huh?

Molly:

There's Mrs. Uppington over at that table behind the post.

Fibber:

What's the old war horse eating? A bale of hay au gratin?

Molly:

Lemme see....(pause) No, she's polishing off a big piece of chocolate chiffon pie.

Fibber:

Hmmm her and her diet.....

Molly:

And the next time she tries to tell me about livin' on Melba toast and skim milk, why I'll...........(falsely sweet) Oh, how do you do Mrs. Uppington? Imagine meeting you here!

SFX:

fade restaurant sounds

Mrs Uppington:

Ohhhh how do you do, my deah? Good day, Mister McGee!

Fibber:

Hiya Uppy!

Molly:

Mrs. Uppington is over there, dearie. I'm Mrs. McGee.

Fibber:

(embarrassed) Ohh...

Molly:

You're lookin' very well for yourself, Abagail , old girl.

Mrs. Uppington:

(chuckles) Ohhhhhh, thank you, my deah! Though I MUST do something about my weight. I'm simply gaining OUNCES, you know!

Fibber:

Awww cut it out, Uppy, cut it out! (pause) You've got a wonderful figure, Uppy. In fact, I've never seen you look handsomer than you do today. (pause) You ain't fat, you're just chubby....in a cute way.

Mrs. Uppington:

(embarrassed laugh) Ohhhh...Flatterer!

Molly:

Besides, what if you do gain a little, Abagail? I always said what this country needs is less hustle and more bustle.

Fibber:

And that's a mighty ducky little chapeau you're sportin' today too, Uppy.

Mrs. Uppington:

(slightly annoyed) Mister McGee, I am NOT wearing a hat!

Fibber:

(embarrassed chuckle) Ohhh..... I thought that was an airplane. (pause) Well, you're always so far ahead of the styles I thought you had on one of those 'off-of-the-head' hats!

Mrs. Uppington:

(again charmed) Ohhh, now you say the sweet things, Mister McGee!

Fibber:

...And I had a tough time doing it...

Mrs. Uppington:

Ohhh, you're still being sweet...my head is easily turned, you know.

Molly:

Well, that's because your neck is so skinny, Abagail.
Fibber: You know, Molly, Uppy seems to have taken on an entirely new personality, lately.

Molly:

Ya think......?

Fibber:

(interrupting) Lookin' at her right now, she kinda vibrates. She..she just GLOWS! There's a kinda radiance about her.

Mrs. Uppington:

(embarrassed) Oh, now, now, now, MISTER MC GEE! You silly boy! You never talked to me like that before! (chuckles)

Molly:

Of course he didn't. He never had an oculist put drops in his eyes before, either.

Mrs. Uppington:

(sympathetic) Ohhh, you poor boy.

Fibber:

Yeah...

Mrs. Uppington:

But doesn't it make everything look horribly distorted?

Fibber:

Yeah...

Mrs. Uppington:

(suddenly gets it) Oh well!!!! You mean all those nice things..... WELL! I have NEVER been so insulted! Goodbye you...you... (reaching for the best insult) You.....SQUIRT!

SFX:

Door slam, followed by APPLAUSE

Fibber:

(after applause) Did I say something wrong?

Molly:

Oh, no.... But I don't think that was government-inspected baloney you were dishing out. (long pause) C'mon, McGee, let's go.

Fibber:

OK, you paid the check?

Molly:

Yes, I did. (pause) Can I help you with your coat, dearie?

Fibber:

No, thanks, I got it.

Molly:

You got it, all right. You got it inside out.

Fibber:

Huh? Oh.

Molly:

McGee! This isn't your coat!

Fibber:

Huh? It isn't? Well where is mine? I put it right on that rack there.

Molly:

Oh, dear! Somebody musta taken your by mistake and left this one.

Fibber:

Huh?

Molly:

Look! Here's the owner's name on the inside of the pocket. (pause) Wallace Wimple.

Fibber:

Wallace Wimple, eh? Well whoever he is, he's got a lot of moxy, swiping MY coat! (getting angry) Wait till I get my hands on that guy, he'll wish he never......

Wilcox:

(interrupting) Well, hello there, folks, what's the matter?

Fibber:

Hi, Gildersleeve.

Molly:

No, it isn't Mister Gildersleeve, dearie. That's Mister Wilcox.

Fibber:

Oh

Molly:

He's being examined for glasses, Mister Wilcox, and he's got drops in his eyes.

Fibber:

(excited) Hey, Harlow, somebody swiped my overcoat and left this one instead.

Wilcox:

Hmmm, well you're lucky, that's a good looking coat!

Molly:

Well, now we'll have to find the owner. Ah, do you know a mister
Wallace Wimple, Mister Wilcox?

Wilcox:

Wimple.....Wimple...not WALLACE Wimple?

Fibber:

Yeah! You know him?

Wilcox:

Me? Know Wallace Wimple? Oh (laughs heartily) Why, I say, when I first started working for Johnson's Wax, before I knew what a wonderful thing Johnson's Wax was for beautifying and protecting floors, furniture and woodwork against dust and dirt and dampness. Before I even found out what a blessing Johnson's Wax was for particular housewives....

Fibber:

(interrupting, bored) Ugh...

Wilcox:

And that was.....well, let's see... we've been on the air for Johnson's Wax six years today....

Fibber:

(same interruption) Ugh....

Wilcox:

And I worked for them four years before that...that's TEN years...

Fibber:

(same interruption) Ugh....

Wilcox; (getting excited) Yes sir! TEN YEARS! And in ALL that time, I've never known ANYBODY by the name of Wallace Wimple! (pause for laugh) Isn't that amazing?

Molly:

(feigning amazement) Why, it's unbelievable!

Fibber:

Wilcox, is your real name O'Sullivan?

Wilcox:

O'Sullivan? No, why?

Fibber:

Well, I just wondered. You can find more heels to drag a salestalk in by than anybody.

Wilcox:

Aww don't say that, pal. You're not a heel! (pause) You're a very nice little guy. Of course, you're not too bright, and you talk too much, but outside of that....

Fibber:

(starts getting angry during above, makes noises)

Molly:

McGee! Stop swinging at Mister Wilcox! Wait until you can see better!

Wilcox:

(chuckling) Aww, that's OK, Molly, he was just kidding

Fibber:

Yeah....

Wilcox:

And so was I. We can't spoil our sixth anniversary together by fighting! Look, Fibber, why don't you keep this coat, and just call it good luck?

Fibber:

Because I'm too honest and it don't fit! (pause for laugh) C'mon, Molly, we gotta go find Wimple. (pause) Awwww, why didn't someone tell me my shirttail was sticking out?

Wilcox & Molly:

Wait! Stop! Look out, dearie! (at same time)

SFX:

Glasses and plates crashing on floor

Fibber:

Who threw that? What the....?

Molly:

Well, we tried to tell ya that wasn't your shirttail. That was the tablecloth!

Fibber:

(embarrassed) Oh, sorry....

Music:

Transition

SFX:

Street noises

Molly:

Oh, I wish we knew who this Wallace Wimple was. Did you ask the manager of the gas company?

Fibber:

(annoyed) Yes, and the light company and the water company!

SFX:

Street noises fade out

Molly:

Maybe we should hire a private detective.

Fibber:

Well, we'll have to so something. I wish my eyes would clear up! As it is, I wouldn't know this Wallace Wimple if I saw him. (pause) OUCH!! Dad ratt it, bub! What's the idea of jabbing me with that cigar? (getting angry) Who do you think you are?....

Molly:

(interrupting) Oh, now, now, McGee....

Fibber:

(interrupting and even madder) I'LL TEACH HIM TO STAND AROUND IN FRONT OF CIGAR STORES AND BUMP INTO PEOPLE! I GOT A GOOD NOTION TO SLAP YOU DOWN BUB! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? (long pause) (calmer) Well, ain't ya got anything to say?

Molly:

INDIANS don't talk much, McGee.

Fibber:

Is he an Indian?

Molly; Yes...and a wooden one at that....

Fibber:

Oh! (laughs) Excuse me, chief. (pause) I guess I was off the reservation.

Teenie:

Hi, mister!

Fibber:

Oh, hi little girl. I can't see you very good, but I recognize your voice. I got some stuff in my eyes, and I don't see very good for a while.

Teenie:

Why?

Fibber:

Well, they do that so they can examine your eyes better.

Teenie:

Whatsa matter with them, mister? You got astigmatism?

Fibber:

Got what, sis?

Teenie:

Astigmatism

Fibber:

Shucks, sis, we coulda had a cute routine, if only you had mispronounced that.

Teenie:

I know it. But it woulda been kinda corny, I betcha.

Fibber:

Welllll, maybe it would! And seein' that this is our sixth anniversary for Johnson's Wax, maybe we ought to go easy on the corn.

Teenie:

On the what?

Fibber:

CORN.

Teenie:

I'M HUNGRY!

Fibber:

What's the matter with you, sis? You a food hoarder? You save it for a friend?

Teenie:

No, I gotta feed my puppy, and my kitty, and my turtle. And last Sunday my papa gave me an Easter bunny.

Fibber:

Oh, he did, huh?

Teenie; Huh?

Fibber:

I said, he did, huh?

Teenie:

He did what?

Fibber:

(exasperated) YOUR FATHER GAVE YOU AN EASTER BUNNY!

Teenie:

Gee! Did he??

Fibber:

DAD RAT IT! YOU SAID HE DID!

Teenie:

(coyly) I know it.

Fibber:

WLL THEN WHAT....AHH...ERR (calming down) Now look, sis, did you ever hear of a man named Wallace Wimple?

Teenie:

Sure!

Fibber:

When?

Teenie:

Just now.

Fibber:

(grumbles)

Teenie:

Why do you wanna know?

Fibber:

Cuz I gotta find him, that's why. and say, by the way, if you ever hear of anyone named Wallace Wimple, come and tell me, will ya? And I'll give you a nickel.

Teenie; Hmmmm, it's worth ten cents, I betcha.

Fibber:

Oh, OK, ten cents.

Teenie:

(excited) You mean..you mean you'll give me ten cents if I tell you how to find him, hmm do ya? hmm please?

Fibber:

Yeah....absolutely!

Teenie:

OK....gimme the dime.

Fibber:

(incredulous) You know how I can find him???

Teenie:

Sure I do, I betcha!

Fibber:

(excited) Oh boy, oh boy, OK here's ten cents. What do I do?

Teenie:

(a little smart alleck) LOOK IN THE TELEPHONE BOOK! (pause for laugh) Bye, mister!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Fibber:

Hey, Molly, I never thought of that! Lead me to the nearest phone booth, will ya?

Molly:

All right, dearie.

SFX:

fade in street noises

Molly:

I don't know how we overlooked such an obvious idea?

Fibber:

Well, sometimes the things right under your nose are the hardest to see, as the high school kid said as he tried to raise a moustache. (pause for laugh) Hey, Molly?

Molly:

What?

Fibber:

Do drops in your eyes effect your other muscles? I'm developing an awful limp.

Molly:

Oh, it isn't serious, dearie. You're walkin' with one foot in the gutter.

Fibber:

Huh? Oh...... well let's go down to Kramer's Drug Store and see If we can......

Gildersleeve:

Well, well, well! Hello, Mrs. McGee, hello, Fibber!

Molly:

Hello, Mister Gildersleeve

Fibber:

Is that you, Throcky?

Gildersleeve:

Well, what's the matter with you, little chum? What are they leading you around for?

Fibber:

Ohhh, don't drip so much, ya big drip! You make me sick with all...,

Molly:

(interrupting) McGee's been to the oculist, Mister Gildersleeve, and he's got drops in his eyes.

Fibber:

Not that it bothers me at the moment, Gildersleeve, you always did look like a big blur to me, anyway!

Gildersleeve:

(indignant) Is that so?

Fibber:

Yeah, that's so.....

Gildersleeve:

Why you astigmatic little biological error! (getting madder) For two cents, I'd pop you right on that little receding chin of yours! And if you haven't got two cents, you can open an account with me! (pause for laugh)

Fibber:

Oh, yeah??? (long pause) DROPS IN THE EYES, OR NO DROPS IN THE EYES, GILDERSLEEVE, I COULD HANDLE YOU WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND ME AND JUGGLE THREE JAPANESE WITH MY FEET!

Gildersleeve:

YOU COULDN'T JUGGLE THE ACCOUNTS IN A PIGGY BANK! YOU LITTLE VACUUM.....

Fibber:

(really MAD) GILDERSLEEVE!......

SFX:

street noises fade out

Molly:

Oh, here, here, here, here! For goodness sakes, boys, stop it!

Fibber:

Ohh....

Molly:

Don't you realize this is our sixth anniversary with Johnson's Wax?

Gildersleeve:

(sheepishly) Welllllll....

Molly:

Let's all be friends at least for ONE day.

Gildersleeve:

Well...all right. For one day (heheheheh) (pause)

Fibber:

One day it is, Gildersleeve. But what are you doing tomorrow?

Gildersleeve:

(defiant) NOTHING!

Fibber:

OK, suppose I meet you in back of the fire house and slap a few of your cheap gold fillings down your noisy epiglottis! (pause)

Gildersleeve:

YOU'RE A HARRRRRRRRD MAN, MCGEE!! (even madder) BUT BY GEORGE......

Fibber:

(interrupting and quite calm) Hey, chalky?

Gildersleeve:

(suddenly very calm) What is it, chum?

Fibber:

You know a guy named Wallace Wimple?

Gildersleeve; Wallace Wimple.....Wallace Wimple....OH!!! WALLACE WIMPLE! Why certainly! An old college chum of mine.

Fibber:

Ohhh....

Gildersleeve:

Yeah! He used to sleep in the next seat to me in chapel.

Molly:

For goodness sakes! Where does he live, Mister Gildersleeve?

Gildersleeve:

Well, wait a minute, I have it right down here in my address book. Wimple....W...W...W... here's Wilma....

Fibber:

Wilma, huh?

Gildersleeve:

Wilma's a horse. (pause) heheheheheh She's running in the Derby this year hehehehheh (pause) W....W... AH HERE IT IS! Wally Wimple, 1345 Oak Street. And when you see him......

Molly:

Yooo Hooo! taxi! TAXI!! (excited)

SFX:

Taxi pulling up.

Fibber:

OK, Molly, let's go.

Molly:

Come on, McGee, get in! QUICK! No, no in the back seat, dearie! That's it! Thank you, mister Gildersleeve....

Gildersleeve:

Now wait a minute, folks. What's this all about? I might be able to....

Fibber:

(interrupting) awwww go count your tips, ya big mug! I'll see you tomorrow behind the fire house!

Gildersleeve:

OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

SFX:

taxi racing away

Molly:

1345 Oak Street, drive and step on it!

SFX:

car sounds fade into a cartoon version of the William Tell Overture

SFX:

tires squealing to a stop

Fibber:

Come on, Molly, here we are!

Molly:

Watch the step, dearie. Here, take hold of my hand.

Fibber:

Now, you let me handle this, Molly. This guy may be a professional crook, and I may have to get tough with him.

SFX:

Knock on door

Molly:

Well, what if he's a big bruiser?

Fibber:

Well....err.... I........

SFX; Door opening

Wimple:

Yes?

Fibber:

(suddenly calm) Hi, bud! You Wallace Wimple?

Wimple:

Yes, I am.

Fibber:

(whispering) Is he a big guy, Molly?

Molly:

No, he's just a little guy, McGee.

Fibber:

(still whispering) He is, huh? (now full volume and with lots of bravado)
NOW YOU LOOK HERE, WIMPLE! YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE SWIPING MY COAT OUT OF THAT RESTAURANT! I GOT A NOTION TO KICK YOU AROUND AND TEACH YOU RESPECT FOR OTHER PROPER'S PRIPETY....

Molly:

(confused) WHAT??

Fibber:

ERRR PEOPLE'S PRIPETY.....WHAT'S THE IDEA OF TAKING MY COAT?

Wimple:

Well, bless my soul. I didn't even know I had taken the wrong one.

Molly:

Well....is this your coat, Mister Wimple?

Wimple:

(excited) Oh! It certainly is, and thank you so much for returning it! (PAUSE)

Fibber:

(calmer) Is that all you've got to say, Wimple? Ain't ya gonna apologize?

Wimple:

(timidly) Yes, I certainly am. It was a very ridiculous mistake. (pause) But at the time, I couldn't tell one coat from another.

Fibber:

Well why not?

Wimple:

Well...I went to an oculist this morning and he put some drops in my eyes. (chuckling) Isn't that silly?

MUSIC:

short sting

Wilcox:

Fibber and Molly will be back in just a moment. Have you heard of the special bargain offer many Johnson dealers are now making? It's one you'll not want to miss, so listen carefully. For a limited time, many dealers are now giving a long-handled Glo-Coat applier FREE with a quart of Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat at the regular price of ninety-eight cents. You'll find this applier very handy. It's washable, made to be used over and over again. And it makes the application of Glo-Coat amazingly simple. And, speaking of saving, Glo-Coat is a famous labor saver. It's the number one, easy to use floor polish, wherever you go. It need no rubbing or buffing. You just apply and let dry, and in 20 minutes your floor gleams with a rich, long-lasting polish. Glo-coat keeps the colors of linoleum fresh and bright, makes the linoleum itself last much longer. See your dealer right away, while this money saving offer is still available. Ask for this long-handled applier FREE when you buy one quart of Johnson's Glo-Coat at the regular price of ninety-eight cents. (pause) NOW HERE THEY ARE AGAIN, FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY!

Fibber:

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's program marks the beginning of our seventh year on the air for Johnson's Wax. And the people in both Racine and Wistful Vista want to thank you all for your loyaly and Friendship.

Molly:

That's right! If it hadn't been for you folks, why we wouldn't......

SFX:

door opening

Wimple:

TELEGRAM!! telegram for Fibber McGee and Molly!

Fibber:

I'll take it, Wallace.

Wimple:

Here you go, mister McGee.

Fibber:

Thanks!

Molly:

Let me read it, dearie. Remember your eyes.

Fibber:

Oh, yeah.

Molly:

Oh, how nice! Listen, McGee:

Fibber:

Yeah?

Molly:

Congratulations to Fibber McGee and Molly on their sixth anniversary. You have done a wonderful job, and we hope your sponsor appreciates you as much as we do. We hope they sign you up for another six years.

Fibber:

(chuckling) Awwww, shucks....

Wimple:

That'll be eighty-nine cents, please, it's COLLECT. (pause for laugh)

Fibber:

(incensed) IT IS NOT COLLECT, I PAID FOR THAT TELEG....... (sheepishly) oh...good night...

Molly:

Good night, all!

SFX:

Applause

Music:

Closing theme

Wilcox:

This is Harlow Wilcox, speaking for the makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat inviting you all to be with us again next week. Good night!

Music:

UP and out

Music:

NBC chimes