Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: First Nighter
Show: A Date with Baby
Date: Dec 18 1947

ANNCR:

CAMPANA'S FIRST NIGHTER PROGRAM

ORCH:

FLAIR

ANNCR:

From the "Little Theatre Off Times Square."

ORCH:

FLAIR

ORCH:

TRAFFIC MONTAGE (FADE RAPIDLY TO VERY LOW LEVEL)

ANNCR:

It's Theatre Time on Broadway and you are invited to attend the Opening Night performance of a new play in the "Little Theatre Off Times Square." No event in Theatreland is as exciting as this - a premiere on the Great White Way'. So let's not miss a minute of the fun. Here's our host for the evening - the genial First Nighter!

SOUND:

BEGIN TO FADE IN TAXI AT "here's our genial First Nighter"

FIRST NIGHTER:

Good evening, everybody! It's a pleasure to have you with us for this Broadway Opening. Here's my cab - won't you step in? All right, driver ~ we're off.

SOUND:

TAXI PULLS AWAY - BRING IN STREET NOISES FULL (STREET CAR BELLS, AUTO HORNS, NEWSBOyS, HEAVY TRAFFIC) FADE ON CUE TO....

FIRST NIGHTER:(OVER EFFECTS) Up Broadway and across 42nd street. Christmas lights are flooding the theatre district - turning the whole area into a fairy land of sparkling colors. And just ahead is our destination - the "Little Theatre Off Times Square."

SOUND:

(A) STREET SCENE UP - AND, ON CUE
(B) FADE TO
(C) CAB STOPPING
(D) CAR DOOR OPENS

FIRST NIGHTER:

Well - here we are!

SOUND:

CROSS FADE TRAFFIC OUT MILLING SIDEWALK VOICES IN - MAINTAIN

MAN:

Look - isn't that the Attorney General getting out of that limousine?

WOMAN:

Oh - look at those photographers swarming around that girl!

MAN:

She must have the MAGIC TOUCH.

PAGEBOY:

(OVER AND DISTANT) Have your tickets ready please. Have your tickets ready, please.

ORCH:

BREAK IN - FADE IN SLOWLY-

VOICE:

Good evening Mr. First Nighter. The Usher will show you to your seats.

FIRST NIGHTER:

Thank you. We'll go right in.

SOUND:

FADE OUT VOICES BACKGROUND GRADUALLY FOR...

ORCH:

FADE IN - AND UP FOR SECONDS. FADE ON CUE

FIRST NIGHTER:

Here we are, ladies and gentlemen - with excellent seats, right in the midst of one of the most brilliant scenes you can imagine. I see by the program that tonight's new play is entitled "A DATE WITH BABY" - an original comedy-romance written by Libby Sollis (SAHlis). ---- is cast in the role of Melville Curtiss, a big but brow-beaten male. --- plays the part of Sally - a young lady who finds herself committed to a blind date on a Saturday night.

ORCH:

UP FOR SECONDS

SOUND:

BUZZER - THREE TIMES

ORCH:

HADE ON CUE

VOICE:

(OVER) Curtain! First Curtain!

FIRST NIGHTER:

There's the signal for first curtain! The house lights are out - and. here's the play!

ORCH:

TO FINISH ON CUE - AND OUT

SOUND:

GONG ( ON THE LAST NOTE)

MEL:

(FADE ON) Yes, Arabella..Yes, I understand..Simonize your mother's car, clean her attic, take your grandmother to Ladies' Aid, get a haircut, call the Beirnes about dinner the tenth. (WEARY) Is that all?

ARABELLA:

(FILTER THROUGHOUT) Hmm. Now let me see. Oh, one more thing.

MEL:

Holy smokes, you're only going to be out of town a week.

ARABELLA:

It's about this Saturday night. You..won't be busy, of course?

MEL:

Well, as a matter of fact, Joe Stanton did mention-a little get together, and--

ARABELLA:

Not one of those gambling parties, Melville?

MEL:

Oh, we may play a little penny-ante poker. I haven't seen the boys for--

ARABELLA:

You know how I disapprove of Joe Stanton. Really, Melville! Well, you can just cancel it! I have other plans for you.

MEL:

Aw, now wait a minute, Arabella--

ARABELLA:

You heard me did you not? Besides, Mother promised Mrs. Butterfield you would.

MEL:

I would what?

ARABELLA:

Sit with the baby.

MEL:

(SHRIEK) Baby?...What baby?

ARABELLA:

Mrs. Butterfield's grandchild who'll be here for the weekend. All you have to do is sit there Saturday night---

MEL:

Now look Arabella-just because we're engaged...

ARABELLA:

Melville Curtiss! Don't raise your voice to me! Now take down the address--2343 Circle Drive. Eight o'clock.

MEL:

But I don't know anything about babies! Why don't they hire a--

ARABELLA:

Entrust a precious child to some complete stranger? Don't be ridiculous!

MEL:

Arabella, I refuse, I flatly refuse. This is too much and---

ARABELLA:

We won't discuss it further, Melville. 2343 Circle Drive.

MEL:

But--

ARABELLA:

Melville, I have to catch my train, now. Goodbye.

MEL:

Wait a minute, Arabella..Arabella!

SOUND:

RECEIVER CLICKS. OFF.

MEL:

Of all the rotten tricks-One of these days I'm going to stage a first class rebellion, and it might just be Saturday night!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS. OFF.

POPS:

Doorbell.

SALLY:

Uh huh.

POPS:

Want to flip for it?

SALLY:

(LAUGHS) No thanks. Pops. I'll go. Might be opportunity.

SFX:

STEPS FADING OFF. PAUSE,. FADE ON AGAIN.. PAPER RATTLES

SALLY:

(FADE ON) Special delivery for Miss Sally Cook. Hmm.

POP Message from Garcia?

SALLY:

(DRYLY) Message from Boston.

POPS:

That would be your sister, Doris. And that could mean..anything.

SALLY:

Well, steel yourself.

SFX:

TEARS ENVELOPE FLAP, OPENS LETTER.

SALLY:

"My dear Sally..By the time you receive this, he'll be practically at your door.."

POPS:

Who, the wolf?

SALLY:

Not the one you mean, I fear... "He is a friend of ours out your way on business",..Oh, oh.." and knowing you wouldn't be busy on a Saturday night, I told him you'd show him around. So for heaven's sake, put on some lipstick and don't go intellectual. Fondly, Doris." "P.S. His bank account is well padded."

POPS:

(PAUSE) Well? I give up. Who is he?

SALLY:

Huh? Oh, his name. (SCANS) Can you beat that! Trust Doris to omit foolish details. (GROANS) Oh, Pops! She can't do this to me again!

POPS:

But,.maybe this one will be different.

SALLY:

You know Doris.Evidently you've never noticed anything odd about Doris's taste in men.

POPS:

I give her in marriage to the original missing link, didn't I? Well, I'm going over to Charlie Adams tonight anyway, so----

SALLY:

I don't suppose Charlie could maybe use a dishwasher or---No. I don't suppose.

POPS:

I'm afraid you're stuck, Baby. But, cheer up. Even Doris could go wrong once...You might have the time of your life!

SALLY:

I've got a tin photograph of that! You know, sometime I'm going to cross her up good...and maybe, there's no time like the present!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE...SUSTAIN BEHIND

MEL:

(TO HIMSELF) Bet the whole gang will be over at Joe Stanton's. And me-baby sitting. This is the first and last time. (SIGH) Well, here's 2334. Or was it---No. Must be. Porch light's on.

SOUND:

STEPS UP STAIRS. CROSS PORCH. DOORBELL, PAUSE. DOOR OPENS.

POPS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Good evening.

MEL:

Uh...good evening.. I..uh..I'm Melville Curtiss, sir. I..uh..

POPS:

Oh, yes. Baby's expecting you. Come right in.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES. STEPS ACROSS FLOOR.

POPS:

Just find a chair, son. She'll be down in a minute.

MEL:

She? Oh, a girl I. (LAUGHS) I..uh..wasn't sure which it was.

POPS:

What--?

MEL:

Oh, but that's all right. That's fine. I'm crazy about girls!

POPS:

(CLEAR THROAT) Yes. Well, that's.. .dandy!

MEL:

I..uh,.suppose you've already fed her?

POPS:

Well...yes, I--

MEL:

(SIGH OF RELIEF) That's a load off my mind. (LAUGHS)

POPS:

(HOLLOW LAUGH)

MEL:

Now, let's see. Oh, yes! Where do you keep your bottles?

POPS:

Bottles?

MEL:

Just a precaution, sir. I always find a bottle comes in mighty handy...in case they put up a fight, you know.

POPS:

Well, now...See here--

MEL:

(HASTILY) Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't expect resistance. But they do struggle sometimes.. especially if you're a total stranger.

POPS:

Hold on there, Custiss. I don't know that I like your-

MEL:

Uh, Curtiss, sir. Melville Curtiss..Now just relax and leave her to me. (LAUGHS) I've had quite a bit of experience at this.

SOUND:

CAR HONKING, OFF. GROWS MORE VEHEMENT THROUGHOUT.

MEL:

There's a car out front. That for you?

POPS:

(BEFUDDLED) Yes...I guess it is..But I--

MEL:

In that case, don't let me keep you. Go right ahead. And say, don't worry, sir. I know how to handle 'em.

POPS:

Mr. Custiss...Under the circumstances I think I'd better--

MEL:

If you're uneasy, I can run right upstairs now and--

POPS:

Stay where you are!

MEL:

(SOTTO) This guy's nuts! (PROJECT) Look here, sir, if you'll just tell me what you want me to do with her, I'11 gladly--

POPS:

(ROAR) I want you to pick up your hat and--

SALLY:

(OFF) What on earth's going on down here?

MEL:

(SQUEAK) Holy Smoke! You mean to say that's...Baby?

SALLY:

How do you do. (FADE ON) Run along, darling. They're waiting.

POPS:

But-

SALLY:

Go on, now. Scat! (PAUSE) Well? What are you waiting for?

POPS:

All right. I'll go. (FADES) But I'll be back.. just [ remember that, Custiss. I'll be back!

SFX:

DOOR SLAMS OFF. PAUSE.

SOUND:

HONKING STOPS. CAR DRIVES OFF.

SALLY:

Well, I must say!...Anyway, I'm Sally. And you're..?

MEL:

My name is Mel Curtiss, and if you ask me, this is disgusting!

SALLY:

What?

MEL:

Aren't you just a little old for this stuff?

SALLY:

I beg your pardon.

MEL:

Any girl your age who can't take care of herself at night.

SALLY:

Listen, you: I can take care of myself any night of the week!

MEL:

Then what the dickens did I get dragged in here for? I could be playing poker with the gang.

SALLY:

Well go right ahead, Mister.

MEL:

Don't think I wouldn't if I hadn't promised to sit around with you all evening. Say, if I gave you a dollar, would you go to the movies or something? I'd pick you up and bring you home of course, and--

SALLY:

Doris or no Doris, that does it! Get out of here, you--

MEL:

Fine! And the next time you're stuck don't call on-- Who's Doris?

SALLY:

Doris, my sister.

MEL:

Oh. Oh, brother,just wait until Arabella gets back in town.

SALLY:

Arabella, who?

MEL:

Arabella, my fiancee.

SALLY:

Fiancee-Why, you..heel! Sneaking over here behind her back.

MEL:

Ye Gods, she's the one that forced me into this job!

SALLY:

Job? How dare you!

MEL:

Baby-sitter, she says. Baby! That's a hot one!

SALLY:

Baby-sitter.. ? Wait. You..don't know Doris?

MEL:

No, I don't know Doris..Say, you are Mrs. Butterfield's granddaughter?

SALLY:

Not lately. (WHOOPS) And I take it you're not my blind date?

MEL:

Well, no, I--Holy smokes! Wrong number. (HOWLS) Was that your father? No wonder..when I asked.. about bottles..

SALLY:

Poor Pops! (HILARIOUS) When you said baby, he-

MEL:

Baby! Baby! I've got to get out of here. Arabella will--

SALLY:

Wait a minute. I'm going 'with you.

MEL:

Huh? Oh, no. You can't. I. mean.. you have a date!

SALLY:

I had a date...Aw, please, Mister. Be a Galahad, will you?

MEL:

Oh, that's out. Really, you don't know Arabella! I mean--

SALLY:

No, but she must be pretty awful to make a baby-sitter out of a big boy like you. Well, I just thought it might be fun. Thanks anyway.

MEL:

(SLOWLY) Hm-m..Maybe a first class rebellion might be lot of fun!...Why not?..Well, what are we waiting for? END OF ACT I

ORCH:

THEME

CAST:

APPLAUSE AND CHATTER IN QUICKLY ON CUE

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER) And the curtain comes down on the first act of tonight's play in the "Little Theatre Off Times Square."

ORCH:

UP TO FINISH OF THEME

CAST:

APPLAUSE AND CHATTER SUBSIDE

VOICE:

(OVER) Smoking in the outer lobby or downstairs, please. Who has the Magic Touch?

CAST:

APPLAUSE AND CHATTER - FADE ON CUE

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER FADING APPIAUSE) And now it's time, between the acts, to hear a word from that genial gentleman- Larry Keating!

ANNCR:

Good evening, Ladies. I just want to remind you - in case you haven't heard - that your old favorite hand lotion - ITALIAN BALM - is BACK AGAIN in the stores. Yes - it disappeared from most stores completely during the war years - but now it's back!

WOMAN:

You mean to say that that wonderful ITALIAN BALM I used to buy for my hands is really available again!

ANNCR:

Indeed it is.

WOMAN:

It's exactly the same good lotion that I used to like so much?

ANNCR:

Yes - and yes again! ITALIAN BALM today is exactly the same lotion that you and thousands of other ladies liked so well. It contains all of its original, top-quality ingredients - all of them blended as skillfully as ever - to give your hands the exact same kind of sure and quick protection against chapping and dryness.

WOMAN:

I suppose - like everything else those days - it costs a lot more than it used to.

ANNCR:

That's certainly a natural thing for you to think but the amazing fact is this: ITALIAN BALM is priced, exactly at its PRE-WAR price. Not a penny more. You get the same tried-and-true QUALITY - the same generous long-lasting QUANTITY - all at the same PRICE!

WOMAN:

I'm thrilled, to hear that. In my opinion there's never been anything to equal ITALIAN BALM. It's so different from thinner, watery lotions.

ORCH:

SELECTION - RUN FOR SEVERAL SECONDS

SOUND:

BUZZER - THREE TIMES

ORCH:

FADES - SLIGHTLY ON CUE.

VOICE:

Curtain. Second Curtain! Where is the Magic Touch'

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER) The First Nighters are hurrying down the aisles to their seats. The lights are dimmed, and here's the second act of "A Date With Baby"

ORCH:

(OUT ON CUE)

SOUND:

GONG: (RIGHT ON LAST NOTE) ACT II

SFX:

RAPPING ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS IMMEDIATELY.

MAID:

I'm the maid. You the sitter? It's about time, I'm missing the best part of the double feature, Marshall's in there and he's all yours, heaven help you. Don't take none of that chicken in the ice box. Good night.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ON STEPS FADING.

SALLY:

Well! (PAUSE) That was sweet and to the point. Shall we go in?

MEL:

Heaven help you, she said. Something tells me--

MARSHALL:

(FADE ON) So-o-o! Two of 'em. Now isn't that cozy!

MEL:

MmmmmmHm. (CLEARS THROAT) I..uh..suppose you're Marshall?

MARSHALL:

Yeah. How'd you like to try for three dollars?

SALLY:

Uh--why don't we go into the living room and...play games ?

MARSHALL:

Why don't you two get lost and I'll take in a movie.. Hmm?

MEL:

No dice, junior. Head for the living room. Pronto! (SOTTO) That kid's no baby. He's an embryonic Dillinger.

SALLY:

Mmmmm-Mmm. Better they should have called in the F.B.I.

MARSHALL:

(CALLS. OFF) Break it up, will you? I'm getting bored.

MEL:

I'm getting desperate.

MARSHALL:

(FADE ON) Well, what'11 it be..musical chairs?

SALLY:

I know! How about Hide and Seek? That's always fun!

MARSHALL:

Yeah. Like gargling ground glass. Hey, on second thought, that might be just the thing. O.K. - I'm in.

MEL:

Well, that's more like it. Now, how do we go about this?

MARSHALL:

You guys close your eyes and count to twenty, and I hide.

MEL:

(SUSPICIOUS) I don't know...Maybe we'd better--

MARSHALL:

O.K., brother. It's your headache.

SALLY:

(HASTILY) Oh, no. We'd LOVE to play, Marshall. Really.

MARSHALL:

I thought you'd see it my way. Well? Start counting.

SALLY.MEL:

(FADE)One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine....

MARSHALL:

(TO SELF) Old. P.T. Barnum was all wrong. There's two of 'era born every minute,,

SFX:

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

MARSHALL:

(TO SELF) So long, suckers! See you in the funny papers!

SALLY & MEL:

(FADE OK) Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty!

SALLY:

(CALLS) Here we come, ready or not!..Well, you take the high road, and I'll take the low road.

MEL:

(FADE) Check, I'll cover the basement.

SALLY:

Hope he's up in Grandpa's bathroom playing with razor blades. (SIGH) Let's See..This must be a closet.

SFX :

DOOR OPENS. COAT HANGERS RUSTLE, ETC.

SALLY:

No go. Hmmmm... maybe that window seat....

SFX:

SEAT UP LIFTED. DROPPED.

SALLY:

Still no go...Ah! A knee-hole desk! The perfect hiding place--

MEL:

(RUSHES ON) Sally, he did it! What a pair of prize goops we are!

SALLY:

Did what? Oh....Oh, no. He couldn't have.

MEL:

The kitchen door. Wide open.

SALLY:

Well, maybe the maid left it open. Maybe he's upstairs--

MEL:

Not that kid. (GROAN) Come on. We've got to find him.

SALLY:

Why? Let's just forget it. Maybe he'll bump into a truck.

MEL:

Are you crazy? Do you know what will happen to me if----

SALLY:

Wait a minute. Let me guess.

MEL:

Arabella will never speak to me again.

SALLY:

Congratulations. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

MEL:

This isn't a joking natter.

SALLY:

On the contrary, I think it's rather pathetic.

MEL:

What do you mean by that?

SALLY:

Skip it. Well - Come on, Philo Vance. But I have a feeling this is going to be needles versus haystacks.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MEL:

Six drug stores, ten hotdog joints, a church rummage sale--

SALLY:

Not to mention three parks and a penny arcade. In exactly one hour and twenty-three minutes.

MEL:

Yeah.

SALLY:

Have a cigar. I just gave birth to a big, bouncing corn. (SITS)

MEL:

(SITS) You're a darn good sport, Sal.

SALLY:

Don't mention it. I'm just full of the spirit of the chase.

MEL:

If I could just figure out...

SALLY:

Mel! I've got it!

MEL:

Got what?

SALLY:

The movies, of course! Remember? He wanted to see a movie!

MEL:

Oh, brother. If we aren't a couple of -- Come on.

SALLY:

You mean now?

MEL:

Of course! Well, for the love of Pete, Sally--

SALLY:

Correction, please. For the love of Arabella, bless her wee soul!

MEL:

Say, what have you got against Arabella, anyway. Well, she's just a woman.

SALLY:

Now tell me that all women are alike. Go on. Tell me.

MEL:

They are. At least all I've ever known...except you.

SALLY:

Slow down a minute. Did you say except...me?

MEL:

You're more like one of the boys. You know. A good Joe.

SALLY:

Thanks.

MEL:

No, really. I mean it. You're a pal.

SALLY:

(SNORTS) So was my friend Flicka.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRAIN STARTS UP, FADE TO B,G..

SFX STEPS ON WOODEN PLATFORM

CORYDON:

(FADE ON, PUFFING) May I assist with your bags, Miss?

ARABELLA:

(COOL) Why...Thank you. My car is parked here for me somewhere.

CORYDON:

I...hope you don't think me...fresh, but we were the only two who got off here. And I'm a stranger in town, you see..

ARABELLA:

Oh?

CORYDON:

See here. I have my card. The name's Corydon Brooks. I'm from Boston and--

ARABELLA:

(WARM) Oh, Boston! But I should have known! I'm Arabella King.

CORYDON:

Well, how do you do. Miss King...could you help me out?

ARABELLA:

I could try.

CORYDON:

It's about a ... blind date...Her name is Sally Cook?

ARABELLA:

I'm afraid I don't know her. She's not one of my crowd.

CORYDON:

I see. Her address is --2334 Circle Drive.. Perhaps - .

ARABELLA:

Circle Drive? But what a coincidence!

CORYDON:

I beg your pardon?

ARABELLA:

That's just where I'm going..to pick up my fiancee, just a few doors away. Can't I drop you off?

CORYDON:

Would you? The train's delay has made me frightfully late. She's probably given me up altogether.

ARABELLA:

You don't think she's expecting you at all, then?

CORYDON:

I rather think not, at this hour.

ARABELLA:

But how perfect'. Melville's not expecting me either.. not until tomorrow night, anyway. Wonderful!

CORYDON:

I don't believe I follow you?

ARABELLA:

Can't you see it? Each of them sitting alone and bored..and then, in we pop!

CORYDON:

Say, that might be rather amusing!

ARABELLA:

First we'll bounce in on Melville, and then we'll pick up Dolly.

CORYDON:

Uh, Sally.

ARABELLA:

Dolly, Sally, whatever. What a divine surprise!

CORYDON:

(TITTERS) Can't you picture the expression oh their faces?

ARABELLA:

They'll die! (GIGGLES) When they see us, they'll simply die!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MEL:

Are you sure you haven't seen him? Red hair..freckles...?

MANAGER:

Look, bud, I see millions of 'em in this theatre. Red hair, brown hair, blue eyes, cross eyes--

SALLY:

But this one--you couldn't forget him.

MANAGER:

Yeah, yeah. Look, why don't you parents take care of your kids?

MEL:

We're not his parents!

MANAGER:

Then why don't you leave the poor kid alone?

MEL:

Because we make our living chasing little children in and out of theatres, that's why!

MANAGER:

Huh?

MEL:

Come on, Sally---let's go push some nice old lady in front of a bus!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MEL:

Small, red hair, kind of pudgy?

MANAGER 2:

Sir, I give you my oath the child has not been in this theatre.

SALLY:

You're certain he couldn't have slipped by----

MANAGER 2:

Oh, positive. There haven't been more than four people here all night. Educational film, you know!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MEL:

(WEARY) Well, this is it, Sally. He's got to be in here!

SALLY:

The box office is closed...can't we just... sneak in and have a look. Come on

MEL:

(LOW) You take the right side. I'll cover the left.

MOVIE:

FADE UP INTO B.G.

SHE:

Darling, don't leave me.

HE:

Your father, Angela

SALLY:

No luck here. How about you?

MEL:

If it weren't so dark-wait! Two rows down. The third seat. See?

SHE:

Then take me with you.

HE:

Beloved, I cannot.

SHE:

Is there...someone else?

SALLY:

Mel'. It's him'. What'll we --

VOICES:

Sh-h?h?h-h!

MEL:

I'll have to sneak up on him.

HE:

I must tell you...

SHE:

And you love her?

HE:

I hate her. She's my wife.

SALLY:

(PAUSE. YELLS) Grab him Mel!

VOICES:

AD-LIB CONSTERNATION, ETC.

MARSHALL:

What? Hey! Legoo! Help!!

SHE:

Cedric, how could you?

HE:

Let me explain. She's mad.

SALLY:

Hurry, Mel. Out this way!

MEL:

(DRAGS HIM) Come on. Junior, I've got a bone to pick with you!

MARSHALL:

Help! Police! Kidnappers!!

SHE:

Mad?

HE:

Hopelessly insane.

SHE:

But why haven't you told me?

MEL:

(PANTS) Will you shut that mouth of yours or --(YELLS)

HE:

I've..loved you too much.

MEL:

He bit me!

SALLY:

Hold onto him, Mel!

SHE:

(FADE) No, Cedric, you've...

VOICES:

AD LIB "WHAT"S GOING ON HERE" "GRAB THAT MAN", "CALL THE COPS"

MARSHALL:

(STRUGGLES) Leggo, you big ape--Uh.. (GASPS) There'.

SOUND:

STEPS RUNNING OFF.

MEL:

Stop him, someone, stop him'.

SALLY:

I'll stop him, Mel..and when I do, I'll (BUMPS COP) -- Oooooooof!

COP:

You'll what, lady?

SALLY:

Why don't you watch where you're going you big---0oooops!

MEL:

(PANTING) Officer, you're just the man we wanted to see!

COP:

Yeah? Well isn't that strange? Because you're just the pair I want to see...(SNARLS) So get going...both of you.

End OF ACT II

ORCH:

THEME

CAST:

APPLAUSE AND CHATTER IN QUICKLY... ON CUE...

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER) And the curtain comes down on the second act of tonight's play in the "Little Theatre Off Times Square."

ORCH:

UP TO FINISH OF THEME

CAST:

APPLAUSE AND CHATTER SUBSIDE

VOICE:

(OVER) Smoking downstairs or in the outer lobby, please. What IS the Magic Touch?

CAST:

APPLAUSE AMD CHATTER CLEAR OUT ON CUE

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER FADING APPIAUSE) And now, ladies and gentlemen - I'd like to switch this microphone to the DRUG STORE just off the lobby!! Listen in, will you?

DRUGGIST:

Good evening, miss - may I help you?

GIRL:

Oh, yes - I need something for my hands. What really good hand lotion do you recommend? My skin is so terribly sensitive to dryness and hard water.

DRUGGIST:

Well, miss - hero's one I always recommend to folks whoso skin chaps easily - or gets dry at the first touch of winter.

GIRL:

ITALIAN BALM.

DRUGGIST:

Yes'm. It was a top-favorite before the war. Then, like lots of good things - ITALIAN BALM disappeared But it's BACK AGAIN now.

GIRL:

I think Mother used to use this.

DRUGGIST:

No doubt she did. Seems to me I sold more of the ladies ITALIAN BALM than anything else. Your Mother will be glad to know it's available again.

GIRL:

Oh, thanks. I'll take this bottle.

DRUGGIST:

Funny thing about ITALIAN BALM, miss. I heard of it first many, many years ago in Canada. It gets cold up there, you know, in winter. ITALIAN BALM was about all my friends in the drug business seemed to handle. Never was anything like it for chapped skin, they told me. So later on, an American company started making it hero in the States - and I've had it for my customers ever since.

ANNCR:

Yes, ladies - if your skin needs safe, sure, positive protection this winter - many a druggist will recommend good, dependable ITALIAN BALM. You'll recognize it anywhere by its famous green-and-white carton. You'll like its rich, concentrated, genuine goodness. And its economy, too-- because just ONE DROP of ITALIAN BALM serves BOTH hands! It's not like thin, watery lotions.

ORCH:

SELECTION. RUN FOR SEVERAL SECONDS.

SFX:

BUZZER: THREE TIMES

ORCH:

FADES SLIGHTLY ON CUE (CONTINUED)

VOICE:

Curtain, last curtain. Don't forgot the Magic Touch!

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER) The First Nighters are all in their seats, ready for the last act...and there goes the curtain!

ORCH:

OUT ON CUE

SOUND:

GONG: (RIGHT ON LAST NOTE)

SOUND: MOTION OF CAR IN B.G. IN SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH--

MEL:

Look, officer, I can explain this very easily.

COP:

Mister, I've heard that one so often it makes my head pound.

SALLY:

But it's the truth I He did run away from us. Honest.

COP:

Now I suppose you're going to tell me that was your kid?

MEL:

Of course he's not ours. We never laid eyes on him before tonight.

COP:

I'd better warn you that anything you say now may be---

MEL:

Yeah, yeah, I know. That's what they say on Mr. District Attorney.

COP:

you're talking pretty wise for a guy in your shoes, bud.

SALLY:

(TURNING IT ON) Please, Mr....Mr.?

COP:

(SLIGHT THAW) Rafferty, M'am.

SALLY:

Mr. Rafferty. Do we look like kidnappers? Honest, we're baby-sitters, I mean, he is.

COP:

A baby-sitter! You mean to say a great big guy like you -

MEL:

(SAVAGE) I wouldn't be, if that fatheaded fiancee of mine ----

COP:

So now you're going to shove the blame on this poor little girl -

MEL:

I 'm not talking about her. She's not my fiancee.

COP:

Oh, she's not, hey?

MEL:

No, she's not, hey! I never saw her before tonight, either.

COP:

Well, well! You're quite an operator, aren't you? Mister, if there's anything I hate more than a kid bully-er, it's a bush-league Cassanova. So button yer lip before you arouse me.

SALLY:

Officer, you don't understand. Believe me, he's not a wolf. He's just a ...big...sweet chowderhead who's up to his ears in trouble. Won't you help him, please?

COP:

Now, there's a real lady for you. Help him, she says, And what about your troubles?

SALLY:

That's not important. What matters is that if this thing comes out in print (SNIFFLES) his fiancee will never believe it's all perfectly innocent. (SOBS) She'll...break...their...engagement!

COP:

Holy Toledo, if this ain't the screwiest---all right, little lady...don't cry. I'll help... only don't cry!

SALLY:

You will? Oh, Mr. Rafferty, you're an angel! If you'll just take us to 2343 Circle Drive---

COP:

Circle Drive it is, then, though for the life of me-

MEL:

Thanks a million, officer. You're a real --

COP:

I told you to button yer lip.

MEL:

But off--

COP:

Because if there's anything I hate worse than a Cassanova,it's a guy so dumb he'll hold out for a pair of deuces when he's got a royal flush staring him in the face!

SOUND:

CAR GIVES A SAVAGE LUNGE AHEAD

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CAR PULLS TO A STOP. BRAKES

ARABELLA:

Well, here we are, Mr. Brooks. Ready?

SFX:

CAR DOOR OPENS. CLOSES

CORYDON:

Yes, Miss King. Ready, willing and able..as they say. (IAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY)

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS

ARABELLA:

Isn't this marvelous! And to think that just a few hours ago-

CORYDON:

(GIGGLING) I know! Superb! All righty, now. Let's tiptoe.

SFX:

STEPS OH CONCRETE, UP STAIRS

ARABELLA:

(WHISPERS) Go ahead. Knock.

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

CORYDON:

I can hardly wait until -

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

MARSHALL:

Hi, grand -- Oh. Say, what do you think this is, Halloween?

CORYDON:

My word! Perhaps we're at the wrong --

ARABELLA:

No, this is the Butterfields all right.. .Aren't you Mrs. Butterfield's grandchild, my boy?

MARSHALL:

No, lady, I'm Charley's aunt. Anything else?

ARABELLA:

Well! You might tell Mr. Curtiss that Arabella --

MARSHSALL:

Never head of him.

ARABELLA:

But he's supposed to be here sitting--

MARSHALL:

Oh, that meatball! Naw, he-why? What's it to you?

ARABELLA I happen to be his fiancee, that's why.

MARSHALL:

(MUTTERS) Well, pinch me, someone, I'm in paradise!

CORYDON:

Come, come, sonny. Where IS Mr. Curtiss?

MARSHALL:

(THE INNOCENT) Gee, I don't know, sir. They left me all alone here, locked in my room and than they --

ARABELLA:

They? Who's they?

MARSHALL:

Mr. Curtiss and that blonde.

ARABELLA:

Blonde!

MARSHALL:

Yes'm. Her name was Sally.

CORYDON:

Sally!

MARSHALL:

Yes Sir. Like I said, they tied me to my bod and then they (SNIFFLES) told mo they'd boat me up if I told on them.

ARABELLA:

You poor darling. But I can't believe that Melville-

MARSHALL:

(PLAYING IT TO THE HILT) I want my grandma!

SOUND:

CAR DOOR SLAMS. OFF

CORYDON:

Never mind, young man. We'll find your grandma - and that beast Melville too! I never heard --

MEL:

(RUSHES ON) There he is, Rafferty. There's the little- (GULPS) Great guns! Arabella!

ARABELLA:

Well, Melville?

MEL:

Now, just a minute, Arabella. I can explain everything.

CORYDON:

Just be sure you can, sir, or you'll answer to me for this--

MEL:

Yeah? Who're you? And who cut you in, anyway?

ARABELLA:

How dare you speak to Corydon like that!

CORYDON:

See here, you. If you'd care to step out on the lawn-

MEL:

If you'd care to spend the rest of the night out there hunting for your bridgework----

MARSHALL:

Go ahead, smash him, you! Hit him, hit him!

SALLY:

You stay out of this, you pocket-sized Frankenstein, or I'll raise a blister on--

ARABELLA:

Don't you touch that child you ...bleached blonde!

COP:

Holy Toledo, and they pay money to see Joe Louis! Stop this, now, or I'll run the lot of you in for disturbing the peace.

ARABELLA:

(GASPS) A policeman! Melville Curtiss, what have you done!

SALLY:

He hasn't done anything.

ARABELLA:

I don't consider a person of your calibre capable of --

MEL:

Keep quiet, Arabella.

ARABELLA:

How dare you!

CORYDON:

Yes. How dare you!

MEL:

Say, who is this guy, anyway? Little Sir Echo?

ARABELLA:

His name is Corydon Brooks, and he happens to be from Boston.

MEL:

Yeah? Well, what's he doing around here. Peddling beans?

MARSHALL:

Just look who popped a corny!

SALLY:

Marshall, I warn you.... Wait, everyone, please. This isn't getting us anywhere. Arabella --

ARABELLA:

I BEG your pardon.

MEL:

You should.

SALLY:

Please, please, Marshall, if you'll tell the truth about all this, I promise no one will tell your grandmother,

MARSHALL:

(WHISTLES UNCONCERNEDLY)

SALLY:

If there weren't a law against it, I'd ---

ARABELLA:

Well? I'm waiting.

SALLY:

All right, then, ask Officer Rafferty. He'll tell you. Didn't you see us at the movie, officer?

COP:

Movie? Which movie?

CORYDON:

Just as I thought. Of all the contemptible --

MEL:

Brooksie, if you value those central incisors -- Hey, Rafferty. What do you mean, what movie? The movie where you saw us chasing Marshall.

COP:

Marshall? Marshall who?

SALLY:

Marshall, that little -- boy. Say, what is this?

COP:

Aw, come on , lady. Who're you trying to kid?

MEL:

I must be going squirrely. Look, Rafferty --

ARABELIA:

Well, officer? Just how did you meet up with those two, then?

COP:

Well, now...I wouldn't want you to misunderstand or anything -- but when I see a couple embracin' right out- on a street corner --

SALLY:

But that's not true! We were --

MEL:

It's a frame-up. He's lying in his tooth!

ARABELLA:

Of all the disgusting exhibitions!

CORYDON:

My word! That sort of thing just...isn't done.. . in Boston.

MARSHALL:

(MUTTERS) Who's framing who, is what I'd like to know!

ARABELIA:

I've had quite enough, Corydon, if you don't mind---

CORYDON:

Of course not, my dear. I understand...perfectly. We - will say good evening.

ARABELLA:

Good night, Melville!

MELVILLE:

Good riddance, Arabella!

PAUSE

SALLY:

Mr. Rafferty, I think that's the meanest lowdown --

MARSHALL:

Would someone mind giving me a brief recap on -

COP:

If you don't get upstairs, I'll give you more than that.

MEL:

Just a minute, Rafferty. I'd like an explanation ---

COP:

Mister, if there's anything I hate worse than a born nincompoop, it's a guy who stands around asking for explanations when he's got a full moon and a blonde on his hands!

MEL:

Rafferty, my friend...I think maybe you've got something there! END OF PLAY

ORCH:

THEME

CAST:

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. APPLAUSE AND CHATTER: IN QUICKLY ON CUE EXTRA HEAVY SUSTAINED.

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER APPLAUSE) There it is, ladies and gentlemen! The curtain is down on the final act of an exciting Opening Night performance in the "Little Theatre Off Times Square," Listen to the applause! It's another Broadway hit!

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER APPLAUSE) Did the First Nighters like it? Listen to that applause. (APPLAUSE UP AND OUT)

ORCH:

FADE IN FAINTLY

FIRST NIGHTER:

Next week, the First Nighter program will be broadcast on Christmas Night - and we are glad to announce' that, in response to thousands of requests from friends all over the United States and Canada, we shall present again that famous Christmas play - "Little Town of Bethlehem." This will be the TENTH performance of this celebrated play. Among radio listeners everywhere, the famous Bible story, "Little Town of Bethlehem" has become a pre-Christmas MUST - and ranks with laymen and clergy among the most worthwhile of radio's Yuletide offerings. We hope that you, your family and friends will join us, Christmas night, to enjoy the tenth annual performance of "Little Town of Bethlehem.

ORCH:

UP FOR SECONDS AND FADE ON CUE

FIRST NIGHTER:

(OVER ORCHESTRA) And now we move out of the theatre and into the street. Magic Touch will soon be on its way to your community!

SOUND:

1. ORCHESTRA FADES

CAST BABBLE OF VOICES
STREET NOISE:
NEWSBOY - EXTRA, EXTRA.. GET YOUR LATE PAPER!
(GIVE EFFECT OF PASSING OUT OF THEATRE)

VOICE:

(OVER) Here's your cab, Mr. First Nighter.

FIRST NIGHTER:

Thank you. Goodnight.

SOUND:

1. CAB DOOR CLOSES 2. CAB PULLS AWAY INTO STREET SCENE, STREET EFFECTS: UP FOR SECONDS AND CUT ALL (ON CUE

ANNCR:

Tonight's play was pure fiction and did not refer to real people or actual events.

PAUSE:

(THREE COUNT)

ANNCR:

Say! That's an idea for Christmas.

GIRL:

What is?

ANNCR:

That glamorous perfume you're wearing.

GIRL:

Oh, that's COTTON BLOSSOM perfume - by Old SOUTH. Any girl would love to get it for Christmas.

ANNCR:

COTTON BLOSSOM?

GIRL:

COTTON BLOSSOM - by Old South. Comes in lovely gift sets, too. At better stores.

ORCH:

SECONDS TO FINISH