Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Baby Snooks and Daddy
Show: The Ugly Duckling
Date: Oct 24 1947

CAST:
SINGERS
MAN, singer
WOMAN, singer
HARLOW WILCOX, announcer

BABY SNOOKS
DADDY
ISABEL
HENRIETTA
JERRY
MOTHER
TIMMY
ALBERT

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-O!

SNOOKS:

(GIGGLES) Jell-O -- (GIGGLES) -- and I like it.

WILCOX:

It's Baby Snooks!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ("ROCK-A-BYE BABY")

WILCOX:

Yes, Jell-O, in those six delicious flavors, brings you THE BABY SNOOKS SHOW, starring Fanny Brice as Baby Snooks, with Hanley Stafford as Daddy, Arlene Harris as Mummy, Carmen Dragon and his Orchestra, and me, Harlow Wilcox.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

WILCOX:

And now to Sycamore Terrace. It's early morning and Daddy is just dropping Snooks and her little friend Isabel off at school.

SOUND:

CAR PULLS TO CURB AND STOPS ... CAR DOOR OPENS AND KIDS GET OUT BEHIND--

DADDY:

Well, here you are, kids. Study hard.

ISABEL:

Thank you, Mr. Higgins. Goodbye.

SNOOKS:

Goodbye, daddy.

DADDY:

G'bye, Snooks. And please don't make any trouble for the teacher. You've had to stand in the corner every day this week.

SNOOKS:

That ain't my fault.

DADDY:

I don't care whose fault it is. You've been wearing that dunce cap so often your head's starting to come to a point.

SNOOKS:

No, it ain't. It was always that way. ...

DADDY:

Now go on. And try to be smart.

SNOOKS:

I am. Yesterday, I was the only one in the whole class who could answer the teacher's question.

DADDY:

Really? What was the question?

SNOOKS:

"Who put the chewing gum in Annabella's hair?" ...

DADDY:

Well, don't let me hear anything like that again.

SNOOKS:

I'll try not to. Goodbye, daddy.

DADDY:

Goodbye.

SOUND:

CAR DOOR CLOSES ... CAR DRIVES OFF

ISABEL:

Come on, Snooks. Oh, look! There's Henrietta Barstow. Hello, Henrietta.

HENRIETTA:

(FRIENDLY) Hello, Isabel.

SNOOKS:

Hello, Henrietta.

HENRIETTA:

(COOL) Oh, hello, Snooks. (FRIENDLY) Oh, I'm so glad I met you, Isabel. I'm having a party this Friday night and I'd like you to come.

ISABEL:

Oh, thank you, Henrietta. I'll be glad to come.

HENRIETTA:

Good.

SNOOKS:

(BEAT, HOPEFUL) Didja forget something, Henrietta? ...

HENRIETTA:

I don't think so.

SNOOKS:

You sure?

HENRIETTA:

I'm sure.

SNOOKS:

You're absolutely positively sure?

HENRIETTA:

Yes.

SNOOKS:

Oh. (BEAT) You know what I feel like doing Friday night, Henrietta?

HENRIETTA:

What?

SNOOKS:

I feel like just going to a party.

HENRIETTA:

Well, why don't you?

SNOOKS:

'Cause nobody invited me.

HENRIETTA:

Oh, that's too bad.

SNOOKS::

Yeah. You know, Henrietta? If someone invited me to a party, guess what kind of a present I'd bring them.

HENRIETTA:

What kind?

SNOOKS:

A great big doll with beautiful clothes and big eyes, and they open and they close and they open and they close.

HENRIETTA:

I've got a better doll than that.

SNOOKS:

Ya have?

HENRIETTA:

Yes.

SNOOKS:

How 'bout a box of candy?

HENRIETTA:

We're going to have all the candy that anybody can eat.

SNOOKS:

Oh. (BEAT, THEN STARTS TO GIGGLE AND LAUGH)

HENRIETTA:

What's so funny?

SNOOKS:

A funny riddle. (LAUGHS) Want to hear it?

HENRIETTA:

No!

SNOOKS:

Oh, it's very funny. (CHUCKLES) It'll make you laugh like anything. (STOPS LAUGHING) You want to hear it?

HENRIETTA:

(RESIGNED) Oh, all right. What is it?

SNOOKS:

Well, you say to me, "Snooks, would you like to come to my party?"

HENRIETTA:

Why?

SNOOKS:

'Cause the answer is very funny. (LAUGHS)

HENRIETTA:

All right. Snooks, would you like to come to my party?

SNOOKS:

(QUICKLY) I'd love to. (LAUGHS)

HENRIETTA:

But--

SNOOKS:

(LAUGHS) [?] I'll see you at your party, Henrietta.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

PARTY BACKGROUND

ISABEL:

Oh, there you are, Snooks. I haven't seen you since we got here. What are you doing over here in the corner?

SNOOKS:

Just sitting.

ISABEL:

Why don't you get out and dance?

SNOOKS:

I did, but Henrietta stopped me.

ISABEL:

Stopped you? Why?

SNOOKS:

She said I looked silly dancing with a chair. ...

ISABEL:

Oh, what's the matter, Snooks? Don't you like any of the boys here?

SNOOKS:

Yeah. I like 'em all.

ISABEL:

Then why don't you try to get them to dance with you?

SNOOKS:

I tried, but they're all stronger than I am. ...

ISABEL:

Well, here comes Jerry. I'll get him over here and then you talk to him.

SNOOKS:

What'll I say? "Do you want to dance, Jerry?"

ISABEL:

Oh, no. Lead up to it gradually.

SNOOKS:

(AGREES) Mm hm.

ISABEL:

First, talk about school and then music and--

SNOOKS:

All right. You hold him while I talk to him. ...

ISABEL:

(CALLS) Yoo hoo, Jerry! Come here a minute!

JERRY:

(APPROACHES) Hello, Isabel.

ISABEL:

I'd like you to meet Snooks Higgins.

JERRY:

Hello, Snooks.

SNOOKS:

Hello. How do you like school? And ain't the music nice? (QUICKLY) You wanna dance? ...

JERRY:

No, thanks. I've got the next one.

SNOOKS:

Well, how about the one after?

JERRY:

No.

SNOOKS:

The one after that?

JERRY:

Look, silly, I don't want to dance.

SNOOKS:

You wanna wrestle?! ...

JERRY:

Oh, go home and tell your mother she wants ya. (MOVING OFF) Well, bye, Isabel.

ISABEL:

Oh, Snooks, you'll have to learn more about boys.

SNOOKS:

It's no use. I guess they don't like ---- the brainy type. ...

ISABEL:

Oh, look. Here comes someone you know. It's Mr. Wilcox. Talk to him, Snooks. (MOVING OFF) I'll see you later.

SNOOKS:

(UNHAPPY) Hello, Mr. Wilcox.

WILCOX:

Hello, Snooks. Nice party, isn't it?

SNOOKS:

Is it?

WILCOX:

Why, what's the matter?

SNOOKS:

I can't find a boy who likes me.

WILCOX:

Well, then I came along at just the right time.

SNOOKS:

You?

WILCOX:

That's right.

SNOOKS:

Oh, Mr. Wilcox, I didn't know you cared.

WILCOX:

(CHUCKLES) Now wait a minute--

SNOOKS:

Can I call you Harlow?

WILCOX:

Well, yes, but, uh--

SNOOKS:

Come on, let's dance, Harlow. ...

WILCOX:

(CHUCKLES) You've got me wrong, Snooks. I just meant I know a surefire way to get any boy interested and keep him that way.

SNOOKS:

Tell me quick.

WILCOX:

Why, everybody knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And everybody knows that Jell-O is a real heart-winner. And now that Jell-O's coming back again -- more and more Jell-O -- in all six delicious flavors, why, you can be the belle of every ball.

SNOOKS:

Hmm, who ever heard of dancing with Jell-O?

WILCOX:

Ah, that's just it, Snooks. Who wants to dance when they can eat Jell-O?!

SNOOKS:

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

WILCOX:

Jell-O in any one of those six delicious flavors -- strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon or lime. Each flavor is so rich with that famous locked-in goodness. So delectable it makes you think of the real ripe fruit. Why, the boys'll be asking you to sit every dance out.

SNOOKS:

That's just what they're asking me now. ...

WILCOX:

Snooks, you don't understand. Now just picture this.

SNOOKS:

Mm hm.

WILCOX:

You, a boy, a shimmering dish of Jell-O--

SNOOKS:

--and two spoons?

WILCOX:

Now you see? What a chance for romance!

SNOOKS:

Gee, thanks, Mr. Wilcox.

WILCOX:

Don't mention it. Well, I'll be running along. (MOVING OFF) See you later, Snooks.

SNOOKS:

Goodbye.

HENRIETTA:

(APPROACHES, HAUGHTY) Well, Snooks, I hope you're enjoying my party.

SNOOKS:

You want to know something, Henrietta?

HENRIETTA:

What?

SNOOKS:

Your party is very, very icky.

HENRIETTA:

Oh, is that so? Well, you insisted on coming!

SNOOKS:

Yeah, but you ain't got enough boys to go around. When I give my party, I'm having nine boys for every girl.

HENRIETTA:

Don't be silly. You can't get even one boy for yourself.

SNOOKS:

I can if I want to.

HENRIETTA:

You can not.

SNOOKS:

Why can't I?

HENRIETTA:

If you want to know, because you're not pretty enough.

SNOOKS:

(BEAT) How would you like a smack on the nose? ...

HENRIETTA:

Fighting won't change your looks.

SNOOKS:

No, but it's gonna change yours!

SOUND:

SNOOKS SMACKS HENRIETTA

HENRIETTA:

Owwww! (CRYING) Mama, make her go home!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

AUTOMOBILE BACKGROUND

DADDY:

I don't understand it, Snooks, the party's still going on. Why did you call me to take you home so early? What happened?

SNOOKS:

Nothing.

DADDY:

Oh, it must be something. Come on, tell daddy.

SNOOKS:

Well-- Well-- (STARTS TO CRY)

DADDY:

Oh, Snooks, honey. What's this all about? Now stop crying and tell daddy.

SNOOKS:

(TEARFUL) Everybody hates me. Especially boys. I couldn't get even one dance.

DADDY:

Aw, what do you care? Boys don't mean a thing at your age.

SNOOKS:

They do, too. Everybody's got a boyfriend except me. Rosemary Jackson's got a boyfriend, and Isabel Jones has got a boyfriend--

DADDY:

Well, don't worry, honey. You'll have a boyfriend, too.

SNOOKS:

I will not.

DADDY:

Now what makes you say that?

SNOOKS:

'CAUSE I'M UGLY! (CRYING)

DADDY:

No, you're not!

SNOOKS:

I am, too. And my mouth is too big.

DADDY:

(LONG PAUSE) ... Look, that denotes a kind heart.

SNOOKS:

I don't want a kind heart! I want a boyfriend. ...

DADDY:

Honey, you have nothing to worry about. If a big mouth was any handicap, half the women in the world would never get married. ...

SNOOKS:

And my ears are too big.

DADDY:

Who says so?

SNOOKS:

Johnny Fields; he said they looked like two people was peeking over my shoulders. ...

DADDY:

(TO HIMSELF) I wish she hadn't told me that. Now every time I look at her, I'm gonna think of those two people-- ...

SNOOKS:

What'd you say, daddy?

DADDY:

Ah, nothing.

SNOOKS:

I thought you said--

DADDY:

No! Look, Snooks. There's no use trying to kid you as long as there are mirrors in the house. You're young and ugly. But just remember the story of "The Ugly Duckling." Wait till you grow up. Then, you know what you'll be?

SNOOKS:

Yeah. Old and ugly. ...

DADDY:

You will not! You'll be like the duckling and turn into a graceful swan.

SNOOKS:

(THOUGHTFUL) Hmm. (PLEASED) I will?

DADDY:

Absolutely.

SNOOKS:

(ABRUPTLY CRYING)

DADDY:

Now what?!

SNOOKS:

(TEARFUL) I'll have feathers on my back! ...

DADDY:

Now stop it. You don't have to worry about it now. You have ten years to play, another ten years to pray, and after that there's always the Lonely Hearts Club. ...

SNOOKS:

What's "The Lonely Hearts Club?"

DADDY:

Nothing for you. They advertise they'll get you a sweetheart when all
else has failed.

SNOOKS:

(THOUGHTFUL) Hmm. (TO HERSELF) "Lonely Hearts Club", huh?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN BEHIND--

SNOOKS:

(WRITING A LETTER) Dear Lonely Hearts Club, I am writing you because I want a sweetheart.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR A BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

ISABEL:

Gee, Henrietta, I wonder why Snooks asked us to wait for her here after school?

HENRIETTA:

I don't know, Isabel. She hasn't even spoken to me since my party last week.

ISABEL:

I haven't seen much of her, either. Oh, here she comes.

HENRIETTA:

Oh, yeah. What's that piece of paper she's waving?

SNOOKS:

(APPROACHES, TRIUMPHANT) So you think I can't get a boyfriend, huh? Smarty!

HENRIETTA:

What are you talking about, Snooks?

SNOOKS:

Well, read this letter. That's what I'm talking about.

HENRIETTA:

Well, let's see.

SNOOKS:

See?

HENRIETTA:

(READS) "Darling Snooks. All my life I've waited for a girl like you, and now I've found you."

SNOOKS:

See? (GIGGLES)

ISABEL:

Gee, that's a beautiful letter. It's so mooshy. ... Who's it from?

SNOOKS:

From my boyfriend. Go ahead, Henrietta.

HENRIETTA:

(READS) "Needless to say, I am the proudest man in the Des Moines City Hall. And I am the envy of all the other elevator operators."

SNOOKS:

So now, who can't get a boyfriend?

HENRIETTA:

I'll bet you wrote it to yourself.

SNOOKS:

I did not; here's the envelope. See?

HENRIETTA:

(IMPRESSED) Yeah. Why, Snooks, do you realize how lucky you are?

SNOOKS:

What do you mean, lucky?

ISABEL:

Why, you're the only girl in school with a real grown-up boyfriend.

SNOOKS:

Is that good?

HENRIETTA:

Why, it's wonderful! You only get someone like him once in a lifetime.

SNOOKS:

Really?

HENRIETTA:

I want you to be my friend, Snooks. Come on down to the drugstore. I'll buy you a soda.

ISABEL:

No, I want to buy her a soda.

HENRIETTA:

I asked her first!

ISABEL:

I don't care! I'm going to buy her a soda.

SNOOKS:

I know what. You can both buy me a soda! (LAUGHS HAPPILY)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SNOOKS:

Here's the mail, daddy.

DADDY:

Oh, thanks, hon. What's that other letter?

SNOOKS:

(BEAT, UNCONVINCING) What other letter?

DADDY:

The one you just put in your pocket.

SNOOKS:

I didn't put no letter in my pocket.

DADDY:

Do you think I'm blind? Give me that letter.

SNOOKS:

No, it's mine.

DADDY:

Give it to me!

SNOOKS:

(TEARFUL) Here.

DADDY:

Hmm. It is addressed to you. And in a very mature handwriting. Snooks, how do you explain this?

SNOOKS:

I never saw it before in all my life.

DADDY:

Now stop that. Something very strange is going on here and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

SNOOKS:

I didn't do nothing wrong, daddy. I just wanted a boyfriend.

DADDY:

Why, this must have been going on for weeks. (READS) "After five days, return to Albert Potter, Elevator Number Three, City Hall, Des Moines." ... Snooks! You haven't been writing to a grown man, have you? (NO ANSWER) Well, have you?!

SNOOKS:

(PLEASED AND SLY) Yeah. ...

DADDY:

(UNHAPPY) Ohhh! Where did you meet this man?

SNOOKS:

I didn't meet him yet.

DADDY:

Well, how did you get in touch with him? You don't just sit down out of thin air and write a letter to "Occupant, Elevator Number Three, Des Moines City Hall."

SNOOKS:

No. You write to the Lonely Hearts Club.

DADDY:

(REALIZES, WITH DISGUST) Ohhh! ... I had to open my big mouth. It's all my fault.

SNOOKS:

(GIGGLES) Yeah!

DADDY:

Let me see what you two find to talk about.

SOUND:

OPENS ENVELOPE, UNFOLDS LETTER

DADDY:

(READS) "My precious darling--" (TO SNOOKS) Precious darling?

SNOOKS:

(PLEASED) That's me. ...

DADDY:

Oh, goodness. (READS) "I received your last loving letter and I'm sorry to hear that you're working so hard in your new show." (TO SNOOKS) "New show?" Snooks! Have you been telling this man things that aren't true?

SNOOKS:

No, daddy, he's way ahead of me. ...

DADDY:

(EXHALES) Obviously you must have lied to him. Who does he think you are?

SNOOKS:

(GRANDLY) The Darling of Cafe Society!

DADDY:

What?! Where did you get an idea like that?

SNOOKS:

From a magazine story.

DADDY:

(UPSET) Ohhh! (READS) "I realize I can't expect you to sit home nights waiting for me, and I don't mind a few casual friends, but who is this Tommy Manville you mention?" ... (HORRIFIED, TO SNOOKS) Snooks!

SNOOKS:

It was in the magazine.

DADDY:

Where is this going to end?!

SNOOKS:

I don't know; I ain't finished the story yet. ...

DADDY:

Well, you'd better finish it in a hurry.

SNOOKS:

I can't.

DADDY:

Why not?

SNOOKS:

I tore out the last page to make spitballs! ...

DADDY:

(DISGUSTED) Oh, Snooks! This is absolutely ridiculous. You, with a grown-up boyfriend.

SNOOKS:

Yeah. (PROUD) I'm the only girl in the school who has one!

DADDY:

Well, you won't have him long.

SNOOKS:

(DEFIANT) I will, too. You only get something like him once in a lifetime.

DADDY:

Snooks, I want you to stop writing to this man.

SNOOKS:

(POUTS) I won't do it.

DADDY:

But the whole thing is absurd!

SNOOKS:

(UPSET) I won't, I won't, I WON'T DO IT!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

DADDY:

Of course, I could have insisted she stop writing to him, Vera, but that would have made a hero out of him and Snooks would have liked him that much more.

MOMMY:

Well, you're not going to let it go on, are you?

DADDY:

Oh, don't worry, I have a perfect plan. I'll get her interested in some nice kid her own age and she'll forget all about that old codger.

MOMMY:

Well, that may not be as easy as it sounds.

DADDY:

Oh ho, I'll manage. I invited ten of the nicest boys in town to drop over tonight.

MOMMY:

Good heavens, Lancelot, the house is all upset!

DADDY:

Oh, don't worry, not all of them can make it.

MOMMY:

Well, how, many are coming?

DADDY:

(PAUSE) One. ...

MOMMY:

Oh. Who is he?

DADDY:

Timmy O'Brien. His father works in our shipping department.

SNOOKS:

(ENTERS) Hello, daddy.

DADDY:

Oh, hello, Snooks. I got a big surprise for you. Wait till you hear who's coming over to see you tonight.

SNOOKS:

Who?

DADDY:

(WITH GUSTO) Timmy O'Brien!

SNOOKS:

(COOL, LOW) I never heard of him. ...

DADDY:

Ho ho. Well, just wait till he flashes that big Irish smile at you. You'll melt. He's got the cutest grin and even, white teeth. Ho ho, those teeth. I've never seen anything to compare with them.

SNOOKS:

You like him, daddy?

DADDY:

I certainly do.

SNOOKS:

(QUICKLY) Then you go out with him. ...

MOMMY:

Why, he sounds wonderful, Snooks; I may go out with him myself.

SNOOKS:

Have a good time.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

DADDY:

Well, that must be Timmy now. I'll open it. Vera, wait till you see this kid's smile. It really gets you.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

DADDY:

Well, Timmy O'Brien! Come right on in, Timmy.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

DADDY:

Snooks is waiting for you.

SNOOKS:

I am not.

DADDY:

Oh, ho ho ho. Snooks, say hello to Timmy.

SNOOKS:

(RELUCTANT) Hello, Timmy.

TIMMY:

Hello, Thnookth. ...

SNOOKS:

What did he say?

TIMMY:

I thaid, "Hello, Thnookth."

DADDY:

Timmy! What happened to your teeth?!

SNOOKS:

He ain't got any!

MOMMY:

Are you sure this is the right boy, Lancelot? All his front teeth are missing.

DADDY:

Oh, this is unbelievable. Only yesterday he threw a beautiful, gleaming white smile at me.

SNOOKS:

Well, maybe he threw it at somebody else and it didn't come back.

MOMMY:

Well, I'll go fix the candy. (MOVING OFF, TO DADDY) Good luck, Mr. Matchmaker.

DADDY:

Ahem. Well. Isn't this chummy? Just the three of us.

TIMMY:

Yeah.

SNOOKS:

(LOW, UNHAPPY) Yeah.

DADDY:

You know, they say, "Three's a crowd." Maybe there's one too many here, eh?

SNOOKS:

(QUICKLY) Yeah, I'll leave.

DADDY:

Come back here! We'll all stay.

SNOOKS:

All right.

DADDY:

(PAUSE) Well, go ahead, Snooks. Talk to Timmy.

SNOOKS:

I don't like him.

DADDY:

Why, he's a wonderful boy.

SNOOKS:

Oh, he's oogly boogly.

DADDY:

Now, how can you say a thing like that? He's an athlete. A football hero.

TIMMY:

(MODEST) Aw, Mithter Higginth-- ...

DADDY:

Yes, sir! I can see him now. He's got the ball, he eludes one tackle, and then another. There he goes. What a runner! He's all over the field.

SNOOKS:

So is his teeth! ...

DADDY:

(GIVES UP) Oh, what's the use?

TIMMY:

I won't alwayth look like thith, Thnookth. When I get my new teeth, will you go out with me?

SNOOKS:

I'm sorry, Timmy. But I'm true to Albert.

DADDY:

Forget Albert! You're going out with Timmy.

SNOOKS:

I am not.

DADDY:

You are, too!

SNOOKS:

I am not! I'll tell Albert on you!

DADDY:

Albert, schmalbert! ... Now listen. I'm your father and you'll do as I say. Now where are you going?

SNOOKS:

I'm gonna write to Albert, and he'll take me away from all this. In his elevator!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

You know, these brisk fall days make me wish I was a kid again. But then I guess I still am one at heart. That is, when it comes to Jell-O. I'm delighted to know that Jell-O is coming back again. Yes, more Jell-O. And before long, there'll be still more, until there's all you want again. Jell-O's such a swell treat, always. For a very special Jell-O dessert, these fall days, my wife serves jellied orange cubes. They're bright and gay and so simple to make. Just mold the Jell-O in a flat pan, chill until firm, and cut into shimmering little one-inch cubes. Than turn them into your prettiest serving bowl, combined with fresh orange sections. You can use any flavor of Jell-O for jellied cubes -- strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon or lime. All six delicious flavors are rich with that famous locked-in goodness that's exclusive with Jell-O. Just as the name is exclusive with Jell-O. Yes, that name, Jell-O is a trademark -- the property of
General Foods -- and it tells you, "Here is the genuine, the one and only, Jell-O gelatin dessert." So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O, and Jell-O spells a treat!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

WILCOX:

And now back to Sycamore Terrace. Snooks wrote a letter to her middle-aged "Lonely Heart Club" correspondent, Albert Potter, begging him to come and carry her away from her tyrannical father. It's now one week later, and Snooks is up in her room with her little friend, Isabel.

ISABEL:

Why did you ask me to come over here tonight, Snooks?

SNOOKS:

I want my daddy to think you're up [here] helping me with my homework.

ISABEL:

You want me to help you?

SNOOKS:

No. You want to know a secret, Isabel?

ISABEL:

What?

SNOOKS:

Look at this letter.

ISABEL:

Here, lemme see.

SOUND:

RATTLE OF LETTER

SNOOKS:

(PLEASED GIGGLE)

ISABEL:

(READS) "Dearest--"

BIZ:

SNOOKS AND ISABEL GIGGLE

ISABEL:

(READS) "You are right. That atmosphere is no place for a flower like you."

SNOOKS:

Mm hm.

ISABEL:

(READS) "I will be under your window with a ladder at eight o'clock on the seventeenth." (TO SNOOKS) That's tonight!

SNOOKS:

Yeah! I'm gonna elope! ...

ISABEL:

Oh, Snooks, how romantic!

SNOOKS:

(WARMLY) Albert is wonderful.

ISABEL:

Oh, it'll be fun to have a husband. Do you know how old he is?

SNOOKS:

No, but I think he's middle-aged. I bet he's nineteen. ...

ISABEL:

Gee, that's exciting.

SNOOKS:

Yeah. I'll be Mrs. Albert Potter.

ISABEL:

Snooks, will you name your first baby after me?

SNOOKS:

Sure, I'll order one from the hospital right away. And I'll name it Isabel. ...

ISABEL:

Oh, thanks a lot ---- Mrs. Potter.

BIZ:

SNOOKS AND ISABEL GIGGLE

ISABEL:

Is he rich, Snooks?

SNOOKS:

Oh, my, yes. His letter says we could live on his mansion.

ISABEL:

A mansion?!

SNOOKS:

I think that's what it meant. He spelled it P-E-N-S-I-O-N. ...

ISABEL:

Gee, I wish I were eloping.

SNOOKS:

He'll be here any minute. Now help me and put this veil over my head.

ISABEL:

But - but he won't be able to see your face.

SNOOKS:

Mind your own business, Isabel. ...

ISABEL:

Can I help you pack your bag?

SNOOKS:

No, it's all packed.

ISABEL:

What are you taking?

SNOOKS:

Everything I need on my honeymoon. My jacks, my yo-yo, my teddy bear, and an extra pair of socks! ...

SOUND:

THUMP AND SCRAPE OF WOODEN LADDER AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE

ISABEL:

What's that noise?

SNOOKS:

It's Albert with the ladder. Turn - turn the lights [out], quick.

SOUND:

MORE THUMPING AND SCRAPING

ISABEL:

What's the matter with him?

SNOOKS:

He's trying to find the window.

SOUND:

CRASH! OF BROKEN GLASS

SNOOKS:

He found it. ...

ISABEL:

I hear him climbing up the ladder, Snooks.

SNOOKS:

Now you keep quiet. And don't let him know you're here.

ISABEL:

I see his head.

SNOOKS:

Sh! Sh-h-h! I'm gonna open the window.

SOUND:

WINDOW SLIDES OPEN

SNOOKS:

(LOVINGLY) Is that you, Aaaaalbert?

ALBERT:

(OUT OF BREATH) Oh, my aching back. ...

SNOOKS:

What's the matter, Albert?

ALBERT:

Oh, nothing. I - I'm just out of breath.

SNOOKS:

Albert, take me in your arms and carry me down the ladder.

ALBERT:

Wait. Just give me a minute, my love. (CATCHES HIS BREATH)

SNOOKS:

You still wanna elope, don't you?

ALBERT:

Oh, desperately, my love, but, carrying a full grown woman-- I can't see you in the dark, dearest. How much do you weigh?

SNOOKS:

Forty-three pounds. ...

ALBERT:

Huh? Have you been ill? ... Your voice sounds peculiar, too.

SNOOKS:

Well, you better hurry! Now, I'll climb on your shoulder and you can carry me piggyback.

ALBERT:

No, wait a minute. How old are you?

SNOOKS:

(QUICKLY) Sixty; here I come.

ALBERT:

Get off my neck!

SNOOKS:

Quick, down the ladder!

SOUND:

ALBERT CLIMBS DOWN THE LADDER DURING FOLLOWING--

ALBERT:

I'm going as fast as I can, but - I think I made a terrible mistake.

SNOOKS:

Oh, if my daddy catches us, he'll give me a spanking.

ALBERT:

Spanking? I thought so. You're nothing but a child.

SNOOKS:

I am not; I'm the Darling of Cafe Society!

ALBERT:

Let go my ear!

SNOOKS:

All right, I'll hold on to your hair.

ALBERT:

No! Stop that!

SNOOKS:

(STARTLED) Oh! I scalped you! All your hair came off! ...

ALBERT:

Put it back on! Get your foot out of my mouth!

SNOOKS:

All right.

ALBERT:

Oh, there go my teeth.

SNOOKS:

(CRYING) You're all falling apart! ...

ALBERT:

(RELIEVED) Thank heaventh we're on the ground.

TIMMY:

Hey, you take your handth off her!

ALBERT:

What?

SNOOKS:

Timmy!

TIMMY:

Put up your duketh, mithter! If you want Thnookth, you'll have to fight me firtht.

ALBERT:

Fight you firtht? ...

TIMMY:

Are you making fun of the way I thpeak?

ALBERT:

No. Take her, thon, and I hope you'll both be happy. Goodbye! (EXITS)

TIMMY:

(BEAT) Are you all right, Thnookth?

SNOOKS:

(SAD) Yeah.

TIMMY:

I - I hope you ain't mad at what I did.

SNOOKS:

(KINDLY) No, you saved me from that awful Albert.

TIMMY:

Awful? I thought he was your boyfriend.

SNOOKS:

No. You're my hero.

TIMMY:

Gosh, I - I am?

SNOOKS:

Yeah. Couldn't you tell? Oh. I guess you don't know much about women.

DADDY:

(OFF) What's this ladder? What's going on down there?

SNOOKS:

It's all right, daddy. I'm down here with my boyfriend.

DADDY:

(OFF) Albert?!

SNOOKS:

No, Timmy.

DADDY:

(OFF) Timmy? (RELIEVED LAUGHTER) How do you like that?

SNOOKS:

(LAUGHS MERRILY) I like it!

MUSIC:

FOR A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

Well, Snooks got her man. Be sure to listen next week, when she'll be back in another great adventure. Until then, remember Jell-O in those six delicious flavors. Snooks, you tell 'em.

MUSIC:

INTRO FOR JINGLE ... THEN BEHIND SNOOKS--

SNOOKS:

(SINGS) Just a taste of tempting Jell-O
And believe me you will know,
It's the one and only --
J-E-L-L-O!
(LAUGHS, SPEAKS) I like it.

MUSIC:

FOR A BRIEF TRANSITION

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

HARMONICA ... INTRO FOR JINGLE ... THEN IN BG

WOMAN:

(SINGS) What are you havin'?

MAN:

(SINGS) Havin' Log Cabin! Havin' Log Cabin on mah pancakes!

MAN & WOMAN:

(SING) Yes, we're havin' that Log Cabin!

WOMAN:

(SINGS) The best tastin' syrup that [mans eat]!

MAN & WOMAN:

(SING) Havin' Log Cabin, havin' Log Cabin!

ANNOUNCER:

(SPEAKS) Yes, Log Cabin! The syrup with that real North Woods flavor is back. Ask for Log Cabin at your grocer's.

MAN & WOMAN:

(SING) Havin' Log Cabin, havin' Log Cabin, havin' Log Cabin. (BREATHY) Yeah!

MUSIC:

FOR A BRIEF TRANSITION

WILCOX:

Friends, the Community Chest drive is now on all over the country, and we'd like to interest everyone in giving just as generously as they can to their local Community Chest. Because when you do, you're supporting services which help your own friends and neighbors. In fact, to give to the Community Chest is to be a good neighbor. Give as much as you possibly can to your Community Chest drive. The money you give goes to the support of many wonderful Red Feather services -- boys and girls clubs, hospitals, clinics, homes for the aged, social service organizations for child and family welfare -- services that benefit the entire community and make your town a better place to live in. This is a cause that deserves your support. You know, by combining all their appeals for aid in one campaign, Community Chests save money and are able to do more. So give generously to your local Community Chest drive. Everybody benefits, everybody gives.

MUSIC:

FOR A BRIEF TRANSITION

WILCOX:

THE BABY SNOOKS SHOW, starring Fanny Brice as Snooks and Hanley Stafford as Daddy, is written by Jess Oppenheimer, Ashmead Scott, and Frank Tarloff. This is Harlow Wilcox speaking.

CBS ANNCR:

Listen again next Friday night and every Friday night to THE BABY SNOOKS SHOW, transcribed and starring Fanny Brice. Now stay tuned for CLUB FIFTEEN which follows immediately over most of these same stations. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting system.

KNX ANNCR:

KNX, Columbia Square, Los Angeles.