Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Jack Benny Show
Show: Jack buys Don shoelaces for Christmas
Date: Dec 08 1946

The Lucky Strike Team
BARUCH
RUYSDAEL
RIGGS, tobacco auctioneer
SIMS
BOONE

The Regular Cast
JACK BENNY, stingy
MARY LIVINGSTONE, sarcastic
PHIL HARRIS, Jack's bandleader; egotistical
ROCHESTER, Jack's long-suffering valet
DENNIS DAY, Jack's youthful tenor; not too bright
DON WILSON, Jack's announcer; enthusiastic

At the Store
MEL, notions
JERRY, corsets
RUBIN, the racetrack tout
NELSON, the floorwalker
VYOLA, lingerie (Southern accent)
ARTIE, Mr. Kitzel (Yiddish accent)
ELLIOT (MOOLEY), perfume (working class accent)

BARUCH:

THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM!

RUYSDAEL:

Quality of product is essential to continuing success.

RIGGS:

(RAPID AUCTIONEER CHANT - 57 to 59) AMERICAN!

SIMS:

In a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts and --

RUYSDAEL:

L_S_-MFT

SIMS:

Lucky Strike means fine tobacco - Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.

BARUCH:

It takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette, and year after year, at market after market, independent tobacco experts, men who spend their lives buying, selling and handling tobacco, can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco.

RUYSDAEL:

Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And this fine Lucky Strike tobacco means real, deep-down smoking enjoyment for you.

SIMS:

So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw.

BOONE:

(CHANT - 57 to 59) AMERICAN!

MUSIC:

UPTEMPO INTRODUCTION ("YANKEE DOODLE DANDY" AND "LOVE IN BLOOM") ... THEN IN BG

DON:

THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM .. STARRING JACK BENNY .. WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

UP AND FADES OUT BEHIND--

DON:

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHRISTMAS WILL SOON BE WITH US .. AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE RUSHING AROUND MAKING HASTY LAST MINUTE PURCHASES. SO LET'S GO BACK TO LAST MONDAY AND LOOK IN ON A LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

SOUND:

FADE IN CROWD NOISES .. DEPARTMENT STORE NOISES AND CASH REGISTER

MEL:

Have you made up your mind yet, Mister?

JACK:

(INDECISIVE) Well .. well .. I don't know.

DON:

THAT WAS MONDAY .. WE NOW BRING YOU UP TO WEDNESDAY .. SAME STORE.

SOUND:

SHORT CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

MEL:

Now look, Mister .. you've examined them both very carefully .. haven't you made up your mind yet?

JACK:

Gee, I .. I don't know which one I want.

DON:

THAT WAS WEDNESDAY .. WE NOW BRING YOU UP TO SATURDAY .. SAME STORE.

SOUND:

SHORT CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

JACK:

Gosh .. I .. I wish you hadn't shown me both of them ... Lemme see that first one again, will ya?

MEL:

Look, mister ... I got a wife and five kids .. I haven't been home in a week .. Now make up your mind, will ya?

JACK:

Gosh, I .. I can't decide .. This one looks nicer, but the other seems to be more durable.

MARY:

Oh, Jack, for heaven's sake .. Shoe laces are shoe laces! ...

JACK:

Mary, when you're buying a gift for somebody you don't rush into things ... Now let's see .. If I take the --

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

MEL:

Oh .. pardon me ..

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

MEL:

HELLO ... YES .. OH, THANKS .. THANKS FOR TELLING ME. GOODBYE.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

JACK:

Gee, it's so hard to ..

MEL:

Look, Mister, I wanta go home .. I've got six kids now. ...

JACK:

Oh, well, congratulations ... A new baby .. do you mind if I buy something for the little fellow?

MEL:

No, no, why don't you buy him a razor?

JACK:

A razor?

MEL:

Yeah, by the time you pick it out, he'll be old enough to use it. ...

JACK:

Hm ... That's an old joke.

MARY:

It was new when we came in here.

JACK:

Well, look, Mister, I'll take these shoe laces ... the shorter ones.

MEL:

Well, thank heavens .. Now, do you want the metal tips or the plastic tips?

MARY:

Here we go again!

JACK:

(DECISIVE) I'll take the plastic ones .. the metal ones rust.

MARY:

You're right, Jack .. but of course you know the plastic ones crack.

JACK:

Oh .. well then wait a minute .. Lemme see ..

MEL:

If that phone rings again, I'm gonna punch you right in the nose.

JACK:

All right, all right, gimme the metal ones.

MEL:

(SIGHS) Yes sir.

JACK:

I'll pick them up later .. I'm opening a charge account. ... Come on, Mary.

SOUND:

STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN

JACK:

Mary, you have my Christmas list, haven't you?

MARY:

Yes, here it is.

JACK:

What does it say?

MARY:

It says, uh .. (READING) "DEAR JACKIE BOY .. I COULDN'T MEET YOU LAST NIGHT BECAUSE A CUSTOMER SPILLED A CHOCOLATE SODA ALL OVER MY UNIFORM, SO I HAD TO --"

JACK:

(ANNOYED) The list is on the other side! Give it to me.

MARY:

Wait a minute, Jack. Who's Josephine?

JACK:

The little blonde car hop at Simon's Drive-in .. She used to work at the Glendale branch but they promoted her to Beverly Hills. Gee, I hope that chocolate soda incident doesn't send her back to Glendale. ... You know, she's very pretty, Mary. The drive-in uses her picture in all their newspaper ads.

MARY:

Oh yes, I remember. She was Miss Cheeseburger of 1945. ...

JACK:

Yeah .. She'da made it this year, too, but her mustard was on crooked. ... Just goes to show you ... fate .. a little thing like that. Lemme see that list, Mary.

MARY:

Here.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

JERRY:

Can I help you, young man?

DENNIS:

Help me?

JERRY:

Yes, you've been standing in front of this counter for ten minutes.

DENNIS:

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm confused.

JERRY:

Well, that's understandable. You're confused because it's Christmas time .. you've got the Christmas spirit .. you're doing your Christmas shopping and you're looking at so many different things.

DENNIS:

Well, that explains why I'm confused in December .. what about the other months?

JERRY:

Well, I wouldn't know about that .. I'm a coal miner by trade .. I'm just doing this to help pay the fine. ... [Refers to November 1946 coal miners' strike for which the union was fined.]

DENNIS:

Oh ... Well, gee, I'd like to get something for my parents.

JERRY:

Oh, your mother and father, eh?

DENNIS:

Yeah, how did you know? ...

JERRY:

I, er .. I just figured it out.

DENNIS:

Oh, I know .. I think I'll get my mother a new corset.

JERRY:

Well, don't you think she should come down and pick out her own corset?

DENNIS:

Oh, mother hasn't left the house for three days.

JERRY:

Is she sick?

DENNIS:

No, the string broke on her old one and she can't get through the door. ...

JERRY:

Oh, that's too bad.

DENNIS:

Yeah ... we were spending a quiet evening at home when BOYINNNG! ... And steel stays flew in all directions.

JERRY:

Oh, my goodness. Was anybody hurt?

DENNIS:

No, but my father got pinned to the wall ... Anyway, wrap me up that size forty-four corset and I'll take it with me.

JERRY:

Yes, sir.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

JACK:

Now let's see that list again, Mary .. Oh yes, a dozen blades for Phil ... Some handkerchiefs for Rochester ... some little toy for Dennis ..

MARY:

You told me at Ciro's last night you were going to buy Dennis a grand piano.

JACK:

Last night I had four glasses of Muscatel .. I'm all right now, so where's the toy department?

MARY:

Wait a minute, Jack. What about your producer, Robert Ballin?

JACK:

Oh, yes .. I don't know what to get him.

MARY:

Oh, Jack .. look .. why don't you get him one of those new canvas golf bags?

JACK:

Yeah, he'd love that.

MARY:

And it's only fifteen dollars.

JACK:

Oh ... Gee, I just happened to think .. he .. he doesn't play golf.

MARY:

Well, why don't you get him a nice cocktail shaker?

JACK:

Say .. say, that sounds good.

MARY:

And it's only twelve dollars and fifty cents.

JACK:

Hmm ... I just happened to remember, he doesn't drink either. ... What else can I buy him?

MARY:

A knife and fork. Let's see you get out of that. ...

JACK:

Oh, stop, will ya? ... I'll think of something. Now, let's see ...

RUBIN:

(CONFIDENTIALLY) Hiya, Jack. Long time, no see.

JACK:

Huh? ... What? .. Oh .. oh hello ... Come on, Mary.

SOUND:

FEW FOOTSTEPS

MARY:

Who was that?

JACK:

Oh, he's a race track tout I used to see at Santa Anita .. You remember we ran into him at the Union Station last year.

MARY:

Oh, yes.

JACK:

Say, Mary, I wanta get a watch for my sponsor. I wonder where the jewelry department is.

MARY:

Well, there's the floorwalker .. ask him.

JACK:

Oh, yes .. OH, FLOORWALKER? .. FLOORWALKER?

NELSON:

(INTENSE) YESSSSSSSS? ...

JACK:

Can you tell me where the jewelry department is?

NELSON:

Yes, but you'll hate yourself in the morning.

JACK:

Look, I didn't ask for any wise cracks. You either give me a civil answer or I'll report you .. Now, where is the jewelry department?

NELSON:

IT'S ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

JACK:

Thanks.

NELSON:

LIKE FUN IT IS. ...

JACK:

Never mind, I'll find it myself .. Hmm .. this is a fine store to do business with.

NELSON:

YOU WALKED IN HERE, LOTUS BLOSSOM, NOBODY DRAGGED YOU!

JACK:

Oh, quiet .. Come on, Mary, we'll find it.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

JACK:

Mary, let's go upstairs and get that watch for my sponsor. We'll take one of these elevators.

MARY:

Number five is just about to go up.

JACK:

Yeah, let's hurry.

RUBIN:

(CONFIDENTIALLY) Hey, er, Jack .. Hey, Jack.

JACK:

Huh .. Oh, it's you again.

RUBIN:

Yeah .. Come here a minute.

JACK:

What is it?

RUBIN:

Where you goin'?

JACK:

Upstairs.

RUBIN:

Which elevator you taking?

JACK:

Uh .. Number Five.

RUBIN:

... Uh uh ...

JACK:

What?

RUBIN:

Take Number Three. It'll beat Five to the top by two and a half floors.

JACK:

But .. But Number Five is about to go up.

RUBIN:

I know, I know .. but she's carryin' too much weight.

JACK:

Well, I don't know .. What do you think about Number One?

RUBIN:

Uh uh .. local, can't go the distance.

JACK:

Oh .. What about Number Two?

RUBIN:

Slow starter.

JACK:

Well, it really doesn't make any difference .. I'm only Christmas shopping.

RUBIN:

Okay .. it's your money. ...

SOUND:

FEW FOOTSTEPS

JACK:

Hm ... I wonder where he gets his information.

MARY:

Jack, are we going up or not? So far, all you've bought is a pair of shoe laces.

JACK:

Well, at least the .. Say, Mary, I was thinking .. maybe you were right about those plastic tips. I think they're better than the metal ones .. I'll go back and change them.

MARY:

Oh, Jack!

JACK:

Come on .. I'm gonna change these shoe laces.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

PHIL:

Pardon me, miss ... would you mind waiting on me, please?

VYOLA:

(SOUTHERN) Why, yes, suh. What can I do for you all?

PHIL:

WELL! HONEYCHILE! Where you all from?

VYOLA:

Alabama ... You know, that's down South!

PHIL:

WELL, CORN MAH PONE AND MINT MAH JULEP, SHAKE HANDS WITH A FELLOW REBEL!

VYOLA:

Oh, are you from the South, too?

PHIL:

AM I FROM THE SOUTH? .. JUST RUN YOUR HANDS THROUGH MY HAIR AND FEEL THOSE BOLL WEEVILS.

VYOLA:

Well, ah declare .. say, wait a minute .. your voice is awful familiar ... Haven't I heard it before?

PHIL:

Why, sho' you have, babe .. I'm Phil Harris, the Texas Toscanini.

VYOLA:

Well, imagine that ... Just wait till I tell the other girls that I waited on Phil Harris ... Now, what would you like to buy?

PHIL:

Well, Sugar ... I don't know.

VYOLA:

How would you all like to see somethin' nice in lingerie?

PHIL:

NOW, HONEY .. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T THROW ME A LINE LIKE THAT! ...

VYOLA:

(LAUGHING) Oh, gee, Mr. Harris ... You're so cute.

PHIL:

Yeah, everybody notices it ...

VYOLA:

(LAUGHING) You know, Mr. Harris ... you're so much different than I pictured you to be ... On the radio you're such a braggart ... You sound so conceited.

PHIL:

I know, but it ain't really like that, honey ... but Benny's writers always write me that way.

VYOLA:

His writers?

PHIL:

Yeah ... every time they get hold of a beautiful hunk of man they make him conceited ... Now, look, let's see what can I get for my wife. Oh, I know .. Gimme one of them neglijees there.

VYOLA:

Yes sir, shall I wrap it as a gift?

PHIL:

Yeah, and fix the package up so she can't peek into it ... You know ... Seal it all over with some of that there Scotch and Soda Tape.

VYOLA:

(LAUGHS) I'll have it wrapped up for you in just a minute.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

MEL:

But look, Mister, plastic tips or metal tips, what difference does it make?

JACK:

Well, it's a gift and I want it to be right.

MEL:

But those other shoe laces are more expensive.

JACK:

I don't care .. I'll take them anyway.

MARY:

When he buys shoe laces, money is no object.

JACK:

That's right ... Give me the expensive ones.

MEL:

All right, all right. You're not hurting me, I work on commission.

JACK:

Just wrap them and I'll pick them up later. Come on, Mary.

MARY:

Jack, I want to stop a minute at the lingerie counter.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

MARY:

I like this shade, Miss, I'll take this pair of two thread hose.

VYOLA:

(SOUTHERN) You're wrong, lady, this hose is three thread.

MARY:

Oh no, it's two thread.

VYOLA:

I beg your pardon, but it's three thread.

MARY:

(ANNOYED) Listen, sister, don't argue with me ... Not so long ago I was standing right where you are! ...

JACK:

(AMUSED) That's telling her, Mary.

ARTIE:

Well, hello, Meester Benny! ... I see the Yuletime is catching up with you.

JACK:

Huh ... Oh, hello, Mr. Kitzel. Are you doing your Christmas shopping?

ARTIE:

Hoo hoo hoo! ... The theengs I am buying! For my leetle daughter I am buying, you should excuse the expression, a piggy bank. ...

JACK:

Uh huh.

ARTIE:

And my leetle boy is at the age where he is going in for sports ... but I don't know what to get him.

JACK:

Why don't you buy him a badminton set?

ARTIE:

Eh, I'll pay a little more and I'll get him a good minton set. ...

JACK:

What?

ARTIE:

Christmas .. Christmas only comes once a year.

JACK:

I guess you're right.

ARTIE:

But I am having trouble finding what my wife wants.

JACK:

What's that?

ARTIE:

A meesh mosher.

JACK:

What?

ARTIE:

A meesh mosher.

JACK:

Oh, no .. you mean a mix master.

ARTIE:

That's right .. a meex mosher!

JACK:

Well, I'm sure you'll find one in the appliance department.

ARTIE:

Denk you.

JACK:

Well, goodbye, Mr. Kitzel.

ARTIE:

Goodbye!

JACK:

Mary .. Mary, while you're buying the stockings, I'll go over to the toy department to get something for Dennis.

MARY:

All right, Jack .. I'll see you later.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

SANDY:

Well, there you are, Mr. Wilson, how does that shoe feel?

DON:

Oh, it fits perfectly. I'll take that pair.

SANDY:

That's fine, and would you like some extra shoe laces?

DON:

No, I always get a pair for Christmas. ...

SANDY:

Well, that must keep you excited.

DON:

Yes, I never know whether I'm going to get plastic tips or metal tips.

SANDY:

Oh. Well, I'll have these shoes wrapped for you in just a minute, Mr. Wilson.

DON:

Fine.

JACK:

Oh, hello, Don.

DON:

Well, hiya, Jack! .. Doing your Christmas shopping?

JACK:

Yeah, I was just going over to the toy department.

DON:

I just came from there .. and I bought you the most novel thing you've ever seen in your life.

JACK:

For me?

DON:

Yes .. in fact, I'm not even going to wait till Christmas. I'm going to show it to you right now.

JACK:

(PLEASED) Well! What is it?

DON:

Look!

JACK:

But, Don, that's nothing but a set of toy wooden soldiers .. That's not for me.

DON:

Just watch what happens when I wind them up.

JACK:

But, Don ..

SOUND:

A LOT OF WINDING OF RATCHET

MUSIC:

FIRST TWO STRAINS OF "PARADE OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS"

QUARTETTE:

LSM - FT, LSM - FT
LS M F - M F - M F M F T.
IT'S THE SMOKE FOR YOU, IT'S THE SMOKE FOR ME
IT'S THE SMOKE .. FOR .. WE.
L S M, L S M, L S M F F S, M F F, M F F F
M F F, M F F, M F T
L S M, L S M, L S M F F F, M F F F
M F F, M F F, M F T.

JACK:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) Don, it was nice of you to think of me, but -- Don, I don't want that.

QUARTETTE:

THEY'RE SO ROUND

DRUM:

BOOM BOOM

QUARTETTE:

THEY'RE SO FIRM

DRUM:

BOOM BOOM

QUARTETTE:

THEY'RE SO FULLY, FULLY PACKED.

DRUM:

BOOM.

QUARTETTE:

BETTER BUY LUCKIES,
BETTER BUY LUCKIES,
LUCKY STRIKES, THE SMOKE FOR ME.
(BEGIN TO RETARD)
BETTER BUY LUCKIES,
BETTER TRY LUCKIES,
L S, L S, M F --
(WINDS DOWN LIKE AN OLD VICTROLA, ENDS ON SOUR NOTE) ...

DON:

Oh, darn it, I'll have to wind them up again.

JACK:

Never mind, Don, I don't want it. But it was a nice thought anyway. See you later.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

MARY:

Oh, don't bother wrapping them as a gift.

VYOLA:

Here you are.

MARY:

Thank you.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

MARY:

Oh, hello, Dennis.

DENNIS:

Hello, Miss Livingstone. Gee, am I tired. I just walked up to the sixth floor and back.

MARY:

Walked? Why didn't you take the elevator?

DENNIS:

Well, I was gonna take elevator number three, but some man came over and told me it was scratched. ...

MARY:

Oh, yes, he's a friend of Jack's ... what are you doing here in the music department?

DENNIS:

Oh, I was just going to buy some records ... Here's a swell one, Mary ... You wanta hear it?

MARY:

Yes, put it on.

DENNIS:

Okay.

MUSIC:

FOR DENNIS'S SONG ... "OLE BUTTERMILK SKY"

DENNIS:

(SINGS) Ole buttermilk sky
I'm keeping my eye peeled on you
What's the good word tonight
Are you gonna be mellow tonight?

Ole buttermilk sky
Can't you see my little donkey and me?
We're as happy as a Christmas tree
Headin' for the one I love

I'm gonna pop her the question, that question
Do you, darling, do you, do?
It'll be easy, so easy
If I can only bank on you

Ole buttermilk sky
I'm tellin' you why, now you know
Keep it in mind tonight
Keep a-brushin' those clouds from sight

Ole buttermilk sky
Don'cha fail me when I'm needin' you most
Hang a moon above her hitchin' post
Hitch me to the one I love

You can, if you try,
Don't tell me no lie
Will you be mellow and bright tonight
Buttermilk sky?

MUSIC:

SONG ENDS

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

JACK:

Mary, I was looking for you. Where have you been?

MARY:

Oh, I was just talking to Dennis.

JACK:

Oh .. let me look at that list again, will you?

MARY:

Here you are.

JACK:

Gee, I still have to get a present for my old girl, Gladys Zybisco. I don't know what to get her. Do you think she'd like a lipstick?

MARY:

I don't know, has she got lips? ...

JACK:

Don't .. don't be so catty. I .. I think .. I think I'll buy her a bottle of perfume ... And let's see, what else ... Oh yes, I'll have to send something to Fred Allen.

MARY:

Fred Allen? I didn't know you and Fred exchanged gifts.

JACK:

Oh, sure. This year, I'd like to get him something he needs ... I wonder what department sells plasma ... Oh, well, come on, I'll get the perfume first. I think it's right over there by...

LEEDS:

(OFF) Oh, look ... look, there's Jack Benny! (FALSETTO) Hello! ...

JACK:

What ... what's that?

LEEDS:

May I have your autograph, Mr. Benny?

JACK:

My autograph?

LEEDS:

Yes, it will make me so very happy. (FALSETTO) Yes, indeed, so very happy! ...

JACK:

Hmmm .. Well, I'll .. I'll be glad to ... There you are.

LEEDS:

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Benny, thank you ... (FALSETTO, MOVING OFF) Goodbye! Goodbye! ...

JACK:

Who was that guy, anyway?

MARY:

What's the difference as long as he's (FALSETTO) happy, happy! ...

JACK:

Yeah.

MARY:

Well, here's the perfume counter.

JACK:

What?

MARY:

Here's the perfume counter.

JACK:

Oh yes, yes. Pardon me, sir, I'd like to buy some perfume.

ELLIOT:

(MOOLEY) Okay, Mistuh, what kinda perfume would ya like? ...

JACK:

Hm .. Well, I don't know ... What's popular right now?

ELLIOT:

Well, here's sumtin dat's not too strong, yet leaves a trail of broken hearts.

JACK:

Oh.

ELLIOT:

It's called "Aveck Tray Jetame Bookoo My Cherie Tray Been."

JACK:

What .. what does that mean in English?

ELLIOT:

"Condensation of steam that's been forced through a motorman's glove." ...

JACK:

Gee, they go to so much trouble. No, no, I don't think I'd like that.

ELLIOT:

Well, here's some udder perfume called "Essence of Smog."

JACK:

Well, I don't know .. Mary, do you think I oughta take a bottle of this?

MARY:

(DEEP VOICE) Duh ... Soitenly.

JACK:

Mary! How much is it, Mister?

ELLIOT:

This is twenty-five bucks an ounce .. and de udder one I showed you is thirty bucks.

JACK:

Well, haven't you anything a little more reasonable?

ELLIOT:

Yeah .. I even have some perfume for twenty-five cents an ounce.

JACK:

Twenty-five cents an ounce .. What kind of a bottle does that come in?

ELLIOT:

It don't come in no bottle, we keep it on tap.

JACK:

On tap?

MARY:

I'll bet they serve pretzels with it.

JACK:

Well, I don't think I'll take any. By the way, Mister, how come they put a fellow like you behind the perfume counter?

ELLIOT:

Oh, my regular job is in the delicatessen department slicing Limburger cheese.

JACK:

Limburger cheese?

ELLIOT:

Yeah, once a month they send me here to nootralize me. ...

JACK:

Well, what do you know! ... Come on, Mary, I'll get the perfume later .. let's go home ... I'm .. I'm tired.

MARY:

Don't forget to stop at the notions counter to pick up the shoe laces you bought. The ones with the plastic tips.

JACK:

The shoe laces?

MARY:

Mm hm.

JACK:

I'll bet .. Hey, wait a minute, did I get the plastic tips?

MARY:

Sure, you went back and changed them.

JACK:

Oh, yeah .. You know, Mary, now that I think about it --

MARY:

Jack!

JACK:

Yes, Mary, I might as well get what I want. And I'd rather have the metal tips. Come on.

MARY:

Oh, look there's Rochester buying some neckties.

JACK:

Yeah, and that floorwalker's waiting on him. Let's sneak up behind him.

NELSON:

I think this tie is beautiful .. It's very unusual.

ROCHESTER:

YEAH, BUT I DON'T THINK MY BOSS WOULD LIKE IT .. IT ISN'T HIS STYLE.

NELSON:

I see. What type of man is your boss?

ROCHESTER:

WELL, HE'S MEDIUM TALL, MEDIUM WEIGHT ... AND RATHER CONSERVATIVE.

NELSON:

You mean he's conservative in appearance?

ROCHESTER:

IT GOES DEEPER THAN THAT! ...

JACK:

(LOW, TO MARY) At least he's subtle.

MARY:

Quiet, I wanta hear this.

NELSON:

Now here's a nice tie .. Maybe he'd like this one.

ROCHESTER:

YEAH, THAT'S A PRETTY THING .. HOW MUCH IS IT?

NELSON:

It's only three dollars and fifty cents.

ROCHESTER:

HOW MUCH?

NELSON:

Three dollars and fifty cents.

ROCHESTER:

............ TOO BAD.. HE WOULD HAVE LIKED THAT ONE. ...

JACK:

(Oh, fine.)

NELSON:

Well, if you don't want to spend quite so much, here's a nice tie for eighty-nine cents.

ROCHESTER:

WELL, THAT'S CLOSER TO WHAT I HAD IN MIND .. AND WALLET.

NELSON:

Of course, it might be a little too plain for your boss. Is he a young man?

ROCHESTER:

Mmmmmmmm .. NO.

NELSON:

Is he middle-aged?

ROCHESTER:

Mmmmmmmm .. NO.

NELSON:

Is he elderly?

ROCHESTER:

WRAP IT UP! ...

JACK:

Rochester Van Jones!

ROCHESTER:

OH, HELLO, BOSS ... I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

JACK:

I know you didn't ... And don't be buying me any eighty-nine cent tie.

NELSON:

YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS, I'M WORKING ON COMMISSION.

JACK:

I will not. Now, look, Rochester, you've been with me ten years now and I've been very nice to you .. I've always tried to make things pleasant for you and keep you happy, haven't I?

ROCHESTER:

I'D LIKE TO HEAR JUDGE GOLDSBORO'S OPINION ON THAT.

JACK:

Never mind ... Now, I'm leaving you here and I want you to decide for yourself whether or not I'm worth more than an eighty-nine cent tie ... Come on, Mary, let's go.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN

JACK:

Say, Mary, which tie do you think Rochester's going to buy me ... the one for three fifty or the one for eighty-nine cents?

MARY:

Well ... if you were Rochester, which one would you buy?

JACK:

I'll fire that guy! ... Oh, here we are, Mary .. here's the notions counter. Oh, say, Mister?

MEL:

Yes?

JACK:

About the shoe laces I bought ..

MEL:

Oh, yes, yes, I've got them all wrapped up ... Here you are.

JACK:

Well, I've been thinking about the plastic tips and I think the metal tips would be much better.

MEL:

(HIS MIND SNAPS, GIBBERING) No, no .. no, no .. no!

JACK:

But all I want to do is change them.

MEL:

(TO HIMSELF) Change them, change them, he says .. This can't be happening to me ... This must be a dream.

JACK:

Look, mister ...

MEL:

I've always been a good man ... always did the right thing ...

JACK:

Look, mister ...

MEL:

Worked hard in this store .. a loyal employee ..

JACK:

Look, clerk ..

MEL:

When the Christmas season started, they gave us our choice of departments ...

JACK:

I know, but ...

MEL:

I COULD HAVE HAD ANY COUNTER I WANTED! .. BUT I TOOK SHOE LACES! ...

JACK:

Look ...

MEL:

SHOE LACES! ... AND WHY? .. BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASY! ... SIMPLE!..

JACK:

Mister ...

MEL:

METAL TIPS! PLASTIC TIPS! .. AND WE'VE GOT RUBBER TIPS, TOO! .. BUT I WOULDN'T TELL YOU! .. I WOULDN'T TELL YOU! ... (MANIACAL LAUGH) I WOULDN'T TELL YOU! ... (STRONGER MANIACAL LAUGH ENDING UP BY CRYING AND WHIMPERING A LONG TIME)

JACK:

Come on, Mary, there's a crowd forming, let's get out of here. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FOR A FINISH ("HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD") ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

DON:

Jack will be back in just a minute, but first here is my good friend, Mr. L. A. "Speed" Riggs.

RIGGS:

(CHANT - 57 to 59) AMERICAN!

BARUCH:

In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts - and today, tomorrow, always -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.

SIMS:

Mr. Dewey H. Huffines, independent tobacco auctioneer of Reidsville, North Carolina was born and raised in the tobacco business. He said:

VOICE:

Season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy tobacco that's mild, ripe and mellow - fine tobacco that tastes good and smokes good. I've smoked Luckies myself for 29 years.

RUYSDAEL:

Year after year, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Huffines - auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen - can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco.

BARUCH:

Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco ... real Lucky Strike tobacco. Yes -

RUYSDAEL:

L_S_ - MFT

BARUCH:

Lucky Strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real, deep-down smoking enjoyment for you.

SIMS:

So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco -- Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw.

MUSIC:

"HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD" ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

JACK:

Say, Mary, that department store was certainly crowded, wasn't it?

MARY:

It sure was.

JACK:

And they had so many people working there. There was Mel Blanc, Gerald Moore, Frank Nelson, Benny Rubin, Vyola Vonn, Artie Auerback, Sandy Bickart, Pete Leeds, Elliot Lewis .. and you know those little wooden soldiers that sang?

MARY:

Yeah.

JACK:

They sounded just like that quartette, The Sportsmen .. I was gonna mention my writers, too, but they wouldn't even come in for the show .. they stayed in Palm Springs. I hope they run out of sun-tan oil. Goodnight, folks.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

"YOU DO SOMETHING TO ME"

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.