Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Our Miss Brooks
Show: Spring Cleaning (a.k.a. The Jiffy Vacuum Sales Epidemic)
Date: May 01 1955

CAST:
ANNOUNCER
MISS CONNIE BROOKS, dry-humored spinster schoolteacher
MRS. DAVIS, her landlady
MR. MURDOCK, seductive salesman
MR. CONKLIN, pompous high school principal
LOLA PERRY, seductive saleswoman
MR. BOYNTON, biology teacher, Miss Brooks' crush
WALTER, nerdy obsequious teen
HARRIET, Mr. Conklin's teen daughter

ANNOUNCER:

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SFX:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

It's time, once again, for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks," transcribed. But first--

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MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Well, it's spring cleaning time throughout the country, and Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, is not one to sit idly by as her landlady cleans the house.

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) No, indeed. I can watch better standing up. Not that I'm lazy, but Mrs. Davis, bless her heart, refuses to let me help, and for a very good reason. She says she knows exactly where to find the dirt she's been pushing around all winter. ... Last Thursday morning, as I entered the living room, she was already hard at work and I hated to interrupt her.

SFX:

VACUUM CLEANER ... CONTINUES UNDER

CONNIE:

Oh, Mrs. Davis? Mrs. Davis? Mrs. Davis!

MRS. DAVIS:

What is it, Connie?!

CONNIE:

Please turn that thing off!

SFX:

VACUUM SHUTS OFF

CONNIE:

Well, that's better. Mrs. Davis, did you make breakfast for me this morning? Because if not, why, I could just--

MRS. DAVIS:

Why, of course I did, dear. Don't you see it? I just finished waxing the table, so I put your bacon and eggs on the sofa.

CONNIE:

Where? I don't see any bacon and eggs on the sofa.

MRS. DAVIS:

Why, they're right over there on-- (GASPS) Oh, my. Connie, as soon as I empty my new Jiffy Vacuum, I'll give them to you. ...

CONNIE:

No, thanks. By that time they may be a little too well done. Well, I'll simply have to get breakfast-- Mrs. Davis, did you say your new Jiffy Vacuum? You just bought a new Clean-All three weeks ago. What did you need a Jiffy cleaner for?

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, I really don't need it, dear. But you should see this salesman. (SIGHS) Any woman would gladly put a down payment on a cleaner with Mr. Murdock. I've never seen anyone like him before. Besides, he said you had recommended me to him as a prospect.

CONNIE:

Well, that's true. Several weeks ago, in an unguarded moment, I recommended twenty names to the Jiffy Vacuum cleaner company, at two dollars a name. But that was before you'd bought your Clean-All.

MRS. DAVIS:

Now, don't you feel badly, Connie. Mr. Murdock is due back here at eight-fifteen sharp, any minute now, to collect his ten dollar down payment. And if you think you can resist him, you handle him, dear. I'm just a lump of soggy putty in his hands. ...

CONNIE:

Well, you'd better un-sog, Mrs. Davis, because I'm going to throw him out just as soon as he--

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

MRS. DAVIS:

Connie. Connie, that's him. Is my hair net in place? Are my sneakers on straight? Oh, be still, my foolish palpitating heart.

CONNIE:

Mrs. Davis. Please. It's going to be hard enough to throw him out without you hanging on to his leg. Now just keep quiet and I'll do all the talking.

SFX:

CONNIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

I'm very sorry, my good fellow, but--

MURDOCK:

(DEEP AND SEDUCTIVE) Hello, baby.

CONNIE:

(WOLF WHISTLE)

MRS. DAVIS:

(ADMONISHES) Connie.

MURDOCK:

Hey, where'd you get those great, big, beautiful blue eyes, honey? (NO ANSWER, TO MRS. DAVIS) Doesn't the gorgeous blonde doll talk, Mrs. Davis?

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, yes. but I think she's in a state of shock. ... Won't you come in, Mr. Murdock?

MURDOCK:

Why, certainly, Mrs. Davis.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ... MURDOCK'S FOOTSTEPS IN

MURDOCK:

(TO CONNIE) And what do you say, baby?

CONNIE:

Mrs. Davis, lock the doors. ... Oh, that is, by all means, come in, Mr. Gable-- Uh, Mr. Peck-- Mr. Brando. ...

MURDOCK:

No, no. Murdock is the name, honey.

CONNIE:

(CORRECTING HERSELF) Oh, Murdock.

MURDOCK:

Harry Murdock. And I'm regional sales manager for the Jiffy Vacuum Cleaner Company. But when I came by last night, Mrs. Davis never told me I'd run into anything as completely ravishing as you. You - get me, honey?

MRS. DAVIS:

(BEAT, LOW, TO CONNIE) Dear, close your mouth and answer the man. No, that would never work. Connie, I thought you were going to do all the talking.

CONNIE:

I'm too busy listening.

MRS. DAVIS:

Won't you sit down and have some hot chocolate with us, Mr. Murdock?

CONNIE:

(RECOVERS) Oh, uh-- Before you do, Mr. Murdock, there's something Mrs. Davis and I have to tell you.

MURDOCK:

Yes, sugar?

CONNIE:

Well, three weeks ago she bought-- That is, we already have--

MURDOCK:

Yes, honey?

CONNIE:

We have--

MURDOCK:

What do you have, baby?

CONNIE:

Well, we have hot chocolate, coffee, soda pop. ... Yummy yogurt. You can have your choice.

MURDOCK:

Uh, some other time, honey. I haven't got the time right now. I've gotta close this sale, and then get--

CONNIE:

Oh yes. That's just it, Mr. Gable-- Mr. Murdock. Mrs. Davis had something she wanted to tell you.

MRS. DAVIS:

Yes, you see, I - I wanted to tell you that I--

MURDOCK:

What did you want to tell me, gorgeous?

MRS. DAVIS:

Here's your ten dollars. ... Where do I sign? Where's the paper? Where? Where, where?

MURDOCK:

Right here, beautiful.

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLES

MURDOCK:

Here's my pen. (BEAT) Ah, that's a girl. That's fine, Mrs. Davis. Allow me to congratulate you, sugar. You made a wise investment. And now, girls, I should bring in the attachments to show you how they work, but I'm a little rushed. So, uh, what about tonight, at eight, hm? Will this evening at eight be all right with you, Mrs. Davis? Honey?

MRS. DAVIS:

(RASPY WOLF WHISTLE)

MURDOCK:

And, uh, how 'bout you, angel?

CONNIE:

(WOLF WHISTLE)

MURDOCK:

I'll see you sweethearts tonight then.

SFX:

MURDOCK'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH CLOSES

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, if I were only twenty years younger. Connie? Oh, Connie?

CONNIE:

(IN A DAZE) Yes, baby? ... (RECOVERS) What, Mrs. Davis?

MRS. DAVIS:

Dear, why did you let that beautiful man sell me a second cleaner?

CONNIE:

I wonder if it's legal for a man to have five dimples on one face.

MRS. DAVIS:

And you told me you had plenty of sales resistance. Connie, I simply can't afford to pay for two cleaners. Not that I hold it against you for sending Mr. Murdock to me in the first place. But, after all, it does make you a little responsible.

CONNIE:

I know it, Mrs. Davis. And I'll get back the money and the contract from Mr. Murdock tonight. I've thought of a way to resist him.

MRS. DAVIS:

But how, dear?

CONNIE:

I'll just meet him at the door blindfolded with my ears plugged up, and if I keep twenty feet away, his thought waves won't mean a thing.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

CONNIE:

You wanted to see me, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

I didn't get a charley horse chasing you down the corridor for nothing. My office, please.

CONNIE:

Yes, sir.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS INTO OFFICE ... DOOR CLOSES

CONKLIN:

Now, uh-- Now then, Miss Brooks, to come directly to the point, why did you send that vacuum cleaner salesman to my poor, befuddled spouse last night?

CONNIE:

Oh, did your wife buy a Jiffy cleaner from Mr. Murdock, too?

CONKLIN:

She almost signed up for one with the "passionate pitchman." ... But, as luck would have it, I ducked between them just as she was about to sign.

CONNIE:

Really?

CONKLIN:

Yes. And it took me an hour to wash hre signature off the side of my face. Now, Miss Brooks, I am on the verge of selling my old car today for sixty dollars, and Mrs. Conklin was on the verge of spending that sixty dollars toward the purchase of that Jiffy cleaner.

CONNIE:

You mean you finally got a customer for that decrepit old car of yours, sir? Why, it's hardly run in ten years.

CONKLIN:

Hardly run? Why, it's the cleanest Stutz Bearcat on the market.

CONNIE:

Move over, Mr. Murdock, I've met your master.

CONKLIN:

I suppose that's how the world goes, Miss Brooks. The men sell, the women buy. That's the main reason I asked you in here, Miss Brooks. I asked the Jiffy people to send their salesman here to my office at eight-fifty sharp. He'll be here any minute now. And I want you to see how Osgood Conklin has developed his sales resistance to a point where it is a veritable walls of Jericho.

CONNIE:

Mr. Murdock, here? Oh, no. Please, sir. Even if he doesn't sell you, the ricochet may trap me for twelve months. Now if you'll excuse me, I--

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

CONKLIN:

One moment, Miss Brooks. You need this little lesson in sales resistance. (CALLS) Come in, sir.

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS ... FOOTSTEPS IN

LOLA:

(SEDUCTIVELY) Hello, handsome. You wouldn't know where I could find Mr. Conklin, would you, Brown Eyes?

CONKLIN:

(DAZED) Wwwhhh-- Wwweeellll, he's um-- He's out right now, but-- Could I, could I be--? (RECOVERS) Oh, oh, I - I'm Mr. Conklin.

LOLA:

Well! I wasn't expecting anything as wonderful as this. I'm Lola Perry, sales representative for the Jiffy Vacuum Cleaner Company.

CONKLIN:

(STAMMERS) You're-- You're the, eh, the salesman they sent over?

LOLA:

Why, yes. You were expecting me, weren't you, handsome?

CONKLIN:

Ohhhhhhh, yesssss. ... But not quite so much of you. ... That is, I was expecting you, but in a slightly different shape. I mean, um--

LOLA:

Ohhhh. Maybe you were expecting a taller person.

CONNIE:

It was a different difference entirely.

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, haven't you something to do?

CONNIE:

Well, I could push your eyeballs back into their sockets. ... Er, not right now, sir. Not a thing. I'll just sit here and watch your sales resistance. (SINGS) "Joshua fit the battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jeric--"

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks -- I'm certain you have a class that you could go to?

LOLA:

Oh, pardon me, Brown Eyes. If I'm interrupting anything, I can leave and--

CONKLIN:

Interrupting anything? Oh, you're not interrupting anything, my dear. Not a thing. No, no, no. No. Sit right down, my dear. Sit right down, here. Let me help you.

SFX:

LOLA SITS IN CREAKY CHAIR

CONKLIN:

(OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC) Well, there we are! ... Are you comfy?

LOLA:

You'd make any woman feel comfortable, handsome.

CONKLIN:

(PLAYFUL) Oh, good, good, good, good. Good. ... And I'll sit right near you, on the tippy-tippy end of my desk. ... Now then, what can we do for you today, hm? What can we _do_for you? You just name it. Anything, anything at all.

CONNIE:

(SINGS) "And the walls came tumbling down." ...

CONKLIN:

That will do. Miss Brooks, I'm talking to Miss Perry.

LOLA:

You certainly are, handsome. And Lola can tell by talking to you that you're the strong, protective type of man who likes to make it easier for us women.

CONKLIN:

Oh, I do, I do, I do, I do. ...

CONNIE:

Just one of those was enough to get hooked for life.

LOLA:

I know you do, honey. That's why your signature on this paper, and a teensy down payment, isn't going to keep you from giving your wife a Jiffy cleaner, is it?

CONKLIN:

Oh, no, indeed, it's not going to keep me. Oh, eh-- Just a moment. There's something I - wanted to say.

LOLA:

Yesssss? What did you want to say to me, Brown Eyes?

CONKLIN:

Here's your ten dollars. ... Where do I sign? Where, where, where, where?

LOLA:

Right here, big boy. On this line here. That's it. And thank you so much. Well, I'll guess I'll be going, now, handsome.

SFX:

LOLA RISES FROM CHAIR

CONKLIN:

Oh, let me float you to the-- Eh, walk you to the door?

SFX:

LOLA'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

LOLA:

Goodbye, Brown Eyes.

CONKLIN:

Goodbye, Miss Perry.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

CONKLIN:

Oooh, la-la. ...

CONNIE:

You just bought a hundred and twenty dollars worth of "Ooh, la-la."

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, what's a mere hundred and twenty dollars, when a strong, protective man tries to make it easier for women all over the-- WHAT'S A MERE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS?! ... Oh, gad, I've been shanghaied! ...

CONNIE:

Well, I suppose that's how the world goes, Brown Eyes, uh-- Mr. Conklin. The women sell, and the men buy.

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, since you sent the Jiffy Company to my household in the first place, I hold you completely responsible. Now I want you to get back my ten dollars and I want you to get back my contract. Now let's see if there's anything else I want you to do.

CONNIE:

No, sir. There I draw the line.

CONKLIN:

Draw the line?

CONNIE:

Yes, sir. If you want to get back Lola Perry, you're on your own.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

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MUSIC:

BREIF TRANSITION

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) Well, when I recommended them as prospects, I had no idea Mrs. Davis and Mr. Conklin would be charmed into buying Jiffy vacuum cleaners, which both of them needed like a hole in the rug. Anyway, they both managed to make me feel like the finger girl for a vacuum cleaner mob. I tried to forget my troubles at noon when I went down to the cafeteria to meet Mr. Boynton. He had promised to treat me for lunch. And from his first remark, as I sat down at our table, I knew he would be the soul of generosity.

BOYNTON:

I hope you had a big breakfast today, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

Yes. And I plan on having an even bigger lunch, Mr. Boynton. Breakfast was four hours ago.

BOYNTON:

Uh, I know. But living a highly sedentary life as we do, much of our caloric intake turns to nothing but flabby blubber.

CONNIE:

If we have more than a thimbleful of cottage cheese, we're absolute pigs.

BOYNTON:

Uh, frankly, as far as I'm concerned, if there's one thing that makes a woman attractive, it's a nice, slim figure.

CONNIE:

And frankly, as far as I'm concerned, if there's one thing that makes a man attractive, it's a nice fat wallet. Mr. Boynton, if you don't want to treat me to lunch today, why keep beating around the bush? Just come out and say it.

BOYNTON:

I don't want to treat you to lunch today. ... That is, I want to, Miss Brooks. But I can't. You remember a week ago I was saving to put ten dollars down on a new suit?

CONNIE:

Oh, well, why didn't you say so? Then you bought a suit?

BOYNTON:

Uh, not exactly a suit.

CONNIE:

Oh? A sport jacket?

BOYNTON:

Uh, not precisely.

CONNIE:

What did you buy?

BOYNTON:

A Jiffy vacuum cleaner. ...

CONNIE:

Well, I know you'll look perfectly stunning in-- A Jiffy vacuum cleaner?!

BOYNTON:

I know what you're gonna say, Miss Brooks. I live in a rented apartment, the landlady cleans my place once a week, and I have no earthly use for a vacuum cleaner.

CONNIE:

Then why did you buy it?

BOYNTON:

Ooh, la-la.

CONNIE:

French for, "Even a biologist sometimes deserts his frogs." So Lola Perry paid you a visit, too.

BOYNTON:

I - still can't figure out what happened. (TRIES TO SHAKE IT OFF) Whew! All I know is I committed myself for a vacuum cleaner which I don't need and can't afford. Not that I hold you personally responsible, because you sent her to me, Miss Brooks, but--

CONNIE:

But you're convinced you saw my face last week on Racket Squad. Well, actually, Mr. Boynton, if you'd shown a little more sales resistance--

WALTER:

Hiya, Mr. Boynton. Hiya, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

Hello, Walter.

WALTER:

Oh, what an entrancing sight. The fairest flower of Madison's faculty, seated next to Madison's most generous, big hearted, philanthropic--

CONNIE:

Forget it, Walter. All his money is tied up in "Ooh, la-la" cleaning equipment.

WALTER:

But all I wanted to borrow was half a buck. I'm in a little financial jam, Mr. Boynton. You see, I invited Harriet to lunch, and now I find out she hasn't got the money to treat me. ... Couldn't you just advance me fifty cents till next Wednesday?

BOYNTON:

Well, uh-- Uhhh, you see, uh--

CONNIE:

I hope you two had a big breakfast, Walter. Don't you usually get your weekend allowance about this time, though?

WALTER:

Yeah, usually. But right now there's a big "economy wave" at my house. It started last night when my father bawled out my mother for being extravagant.

CONNIE:

For being extravagant?

WALTER:

Yeah, she bought a Jiffy vacuum cleaner. ...

CONNIE:

That Mr. Murdock is really sweeping the country.

BOYNTON:

But, Walter, if your mother actually needed a vacuum, why did your father bawl her out for extravagance?

WALTER:

Because an hour before, dad had bought a Jiffy vacuum cleaner from a beautiful doll. Oh, you should see that Miss Perry. Ooh, la-la. You can't look at her without--

HARRIET:

Hello, everybody.

CONNIE:

Oh, hello, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Well, Walter, did you get the ough-day for the unch-lay?

CONNIE:

No, he didn't get the ough-day, Arriet-hay. But I can let you have an uck-bay until ayday-payday. Okay?

WALTER:

(JOYOUS) Gosh! Decoded, that means, "We eat!" Come on, Harriet. Let's dive into the Navy Bean soup.

CONNIE:

Hold it, sailor. Harriet, is your father still angry with me?

HARRIET:

Oh, awfully angry, Miss Brooks. All morning he's had me on the phone arguing with the Jiffy people. But it seems they only cancel contracts with unreliable customers. They seem to feel school teachers always pay their debts.

CONNIE:

And we've got the pawn tickets to prove it. ... Say, wait a minute, Harriet. You've given me a thought. I think maybe I can persuade them to take back _all_those cleaners.

WALTER:

Swell. But where can you rent a Tommy gun in this town?

CONNIE:

No, I'm serious, Walter. Bring both of your cleaners to my place before eight o'clock tonight. Mr. Boynton, you do the same. And you, too, Harriet. Now here's what we're going to do. When Mr. Murdock arrives at my house--

BOYNTON:

Ooh, I think I understand. You're gonna convince him how low your sales resistance is. (LAUGHS) Say, that's pretty good. 'Specially a woman with your resistance.

CONNIE:

Yes, Casanova? How would you know? ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

"Our Miss Brooks" will return in a moment. A few months ago, a great entertainer came back to radio, the media most responsible for his rise to fame over two decades ago. In this short time, Rudy Vallee has quickly reestablished himself as one of the nation's favorites. He holds forth, in his New York hotel suite, for one solid Sunday night hour of pleasure on "The Rudy Vallee Music Hall." A program that has become a Mecca for top figures in the entertainment world. The roster of personalities Rudy Vallee personally introduced to radio in the past reads like a "Who's Who" of show business. It includes such names as Burns and Allen, Red Skelton, Fanny Brice, Joe Penner, Kate Smith, Eddie Cantor, and Bob Hope. In the new "Rudy Vallee Music Hall" series, Rudy has already gone to work to compile a brand new list of great stars. Make "The Rudy Vallee Music Hall" a Sunday night habit for fun, for surprises, for musical and vocal entertainment from
those familiar words, "Heigh-ho, everybody," right down the line to the end of the hour. Later tonight, at the Star's Address, it's "The Rudy Vallee Music Hall."

MUSIC:

BREIF TRANSITION

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) Well, I thought I had a pretty foolproof way to persuade Mr. Murdock to take back his vacuum cleaners. And since I needed her help, later that evening I explained my idea to my landlady. (TO MRS. DAVIS) Now, are you sure you understand my plan, Mrs. Davis?

MRS. DAVIS:

I think so, dear. We've got to convince that gorgeous Mr. Murdock that we've loaded ourselves with debts because we have no sales resistance.

CONNIE:

That's the idea. We've got to convince him we're such an unreliable family that he'll take back all the cleaners around here.

MRS. DAVIS:

While we're at it, maybe we could convince him to take _me_back with him. ...

CONNIE:

Mrs. Davis.

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, a girl can dream, can't she? But Connie, I only hope your plan--

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, Connie, Connie. That's him. It's him. Oh, my goodness, where did I put my sedatives?

CONNIE:

Oh, now, Mrs. Davis, there's no time to get flustered. We've got to show a little self-control.

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh.

CONNIE:

That's it. Self-control. Now is my lipstick combed, my head on strai--? Uh, I'll take it.

SFX:

MRS. DAVIS' FOOTSTEPS EXIT WITH--

MRS. DAVIS:

All right, dear. (MOVING OFF) I'll be right back.

SFX:

CONNIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

MURDOCK:

Hello, baby.

CONNIE:

Where do I sign? Where? Where? ... (CATCHES HERSELF) Oh, Mr. Murdock, please come in. I was just helping Mrs. Davis finish our spring cleaning.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

MURDOCK:

Your - spring cleaning?

CONNIE:

Yes. I always do my housework in this old, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress. But, as you can see, I have my Jiffy Vacuum right here with me.

SFX:

VACUUM CLEANER FROM OTHER ROOM

MURDOCK:

Yes, so I see-- (STAMMERS) Wait a minute, honey. If your Jiffy is here, what's that? That sounds like a vacuum, too.

CONNIE:

Oh, I know. That's what's wonderful about your Jiffy. You can tell their sound from a Carpet Sweeper in a second.

MURDOCK:

What I meant was, I had no idea you had _two_Jiffy vacuums.

SFX:

VACUUM STOPS ... MRS. DAVIS' FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

MRS. DAVIS:

Connie, I-- Oh. Hello, dear Mr. Murdock. Oh, did you just buy another Jiffy from him, Connie?

CONNIE:

No, Mrs. Davis. This is the same old thing we bought this morning.

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, dear, the bag in my Jiffy is full. Do you want to empty it out for me?

CONNIE:

Why bother, Mrs. Davis? Just put that one aside and use the Jiffy that's in the bedroom.

MURDOCK:

You've got another Jiffy vacuum in the bedroom?

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, yes indeed. But, Connie, I just dread walking up all those stairs to get it.

CONNIE:

Oh, you're right, Mrs. Davis. Then why not use the one in the dining room?

MURDOCK:

Now, wait, girls, wait. You mean you bought _four_Jiffy cleaners?

CONNIE:

Not counting the one we purchased just to loan out to the neighbors.

MURDOCK:

Five vacuum cleaners?!

CONNIE:

Mr. Murdock, when we spring clean, we spring clean. ...

MURDOCK:

And someone said there's a recession going on. Now, look, ladies. Uh, maybe we've oversold you slightly. After all, making payments on five cleaners--

CONNIE:

Six. We also bought a Clean-All vacuum.

MURDOCK:

A Clean-All?

MRS. DAVIS:

Please don't be angry with us, Mr. Murdock. We only use the Clean-All to clean the Jiffys. ...

MURDOCK:

_Six_cleaners?!

CONNIE:

Oh, I know just what you're thinking, Mr. Murdock. That we're an unreliable family. But please don't think that. We've met _many_a second payment.

MRS. DAVIS:

Goodness, yes. Sometimes months roll by before we get those darling little reminder notes from the collection agency.

MURDOCK:

Uh, yeah. Well, uh, look, girls-- Um, maybe I ought to take back a couple of the cleaners.

CONNIE:

Oh, but we always make our payments, Mr. Murdock. True, we don't have much sales resistance on smaller things, but we weigh very carefully before we buy the really expensive items.

MRS. DAVIS:

How true. Only this morning, we ran an ad in the paper to buy a used car. A man came over--

CONNIE:

And we looked at the car a full three minutes from this very window before we bought it.

MURDOCK:

Yeah. Well, um-- Maybe I ought to take back three cleaners.

CONNIE:

Oh, no, please don't, Mr. Murdock. I made a resolution not to buy one solitary thing the rest of this month.

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

CONNIE:

Oh, excuse me, please.

SFX:

CONNIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

Yes, sir?

BOYNTON:

(SEDUCTIVELY) Hello, baby. My name is Phil Boynton, and I'm selling--

CONNIE:

I'm buying. What are you selling? ...

BOYNTON:

I'll tell you, beautiful. I saw your ad in the paper and I happen to have a 1929 Chevrolet that's just begging to match up with those great, big, baby-blue eyes.

CONNIE:

(ASIDE) And to think he's been wasting all this on frogs and white rabbits. ... (TO BOYNTON) Uh, I would have been glad to consider your offer, but only this morning, I--

BOYNTON:

You, uh-- You what, eh, sugar?

CONNIE:

Only this morning--

BOYNTON:

Yes, honey?

CONNIE:

Only this--

BOYNTON:

Yes, baby?

CONNIE:

Where do I sign? Where? Where? ... Do you have something you want me to sign, like a bill of sale, a promissory note, a marriage contract? Autocontract? Oh, here.

MURDOCK:

Now, now, now, wait a minute, Miss Brooks. You said you just bought a car this morning.

CONNIE:

Quiet, Small Fry. Now, I'll just sign your little paper, Mr. Boynton. There you are.

SFX:

CONKLIN'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

CONNIE:

Now I own-- Who's this coming up the walk behind you?

CONKLIN:

(SEDUCTIVELY) Hello, baby.

CONNIE:

Mr. Conkl--? Uh, who are you, sir?

CONKLIN:

Ozzie Conklin is the name, gorgeous. I saw your ad in the paper for a used car. Are you still in the market, luscious?

CONNIE:

Since I was eighteen. ... Oh, you mean for a car. Well, you see, I - I--

CONKLIN:

Honey, I have a car outside that's a perfect match for those great, big, glorious, baby-blue eyes.

CONNIE:

Where do I sign? Where? Where's the paper? Where is it, sir?

MURDOCK:

This is fantastic. Miss Brooks, you told me you people weighed carefully all major purchases.

CONNIE:

Oh, that's true, Mr. Murdock. Mr. Conklin, do you mind if I ask you a few things first about your car?

CONKLIN:

Certainly, sugar. Ask me anything.

CONNIE:

All right. Does it have an engine?

CONKLIN:

Yes.

CONNIE:

I'll buy it. ... Now, how much is it? How much? How much is it?

CONKLIN:

Would fifty be too much, baby?

CONNIE:

Oh, no.

CONKLIN:

Then make it seventy-five. ...

CONNIE:

All right, it's a deal. Now, I sign here, right? Now, there you are.

MURDOCK:

That does it! Miss Brooks, you people here are the most unreliable customers my company has ever dealt with, and we can't afford to take the risk of having you as an account. I'm taking back all of our cleaners in the morning and tearing up each and every contract.

CONNIE:

But, Mr. Murdock, we're really a reliable family.

MURDOCK:

Oh yes, I know. In two minutes, a man could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.

CONNIE:

Really? What is he asking for it?

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

"Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden, transcribed, was produced and directed by Larry Berns, written by Arthur Alsberg and Lou Derman, with the music by Lud Gluskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Sandra Gould and Joel Samuels. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks."

MUSIC:

THEME ... TILL END

SFX:

APPLAUSE