Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: The Great Gildersleeve
Show: Income Tax Forms
Date: Jan 16 1944

CAST:
ANNOUNCER
THROCKMORTON P. GILDERSLEEVE
LEROY, his nephew
MARJORIE, his niece
BIRDIE, his maid
LEILA (pronounced LEE-LA) RANSOM, flirtatious widow with heavy southern accent
MR. PEAVEY, mumbly, meek and mild
JUDGE HOOKER, Gildy's rival
DR. HARGRAVE, smooth and suave

ANNOUNCER:

Kraft presents THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE!

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GILDY'S SIGNATURE LAUGH)

SFX:

APPLAUSE BEHIND FOLLOWING--

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

The Kraft Cheese Company, who also bring you the Kraft Music Hall every Thursday night, present each week at this time Harold Peary as THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE, written by John Whedon and Sam Moore.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

We'll hear from THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE in just a moment.

You know, I've just learned from several mothers in the neighborhood that their meal-planning problem is not three, but four meals a day -- that is, if you count in the after-school snack that means so much to healthy growing children. Well, I found out, too, that many mothers make short work of that in-between meal. Along with a glass of milk, they serve a slice of bread spread with Parkay Margarine, and their youngsters are really satisfied -- for Parkay, the quality margarine made by Kraft, is both delicious and nourishing. It's made-to-order for grown-up wartime appetites as well as for hungry youngsters.

Yes, Parkay Margarine has become a favorite mealtime spread for bread because it has such a grand, appetizing flavor -- and because it's one of the best energy foods you can serve. What's more, every pound contains nine thousand units of Vitamin A. So buy it tomorrow. Parkay, P-A-R-K-A-Y, Parkay Margarine made by Kraft.

MUSIC:

JAUNTY TRANSITION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Now, let's look in on THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE. It's a cold winter Saturday and he's at home, occupying himself with some papers that look very important, while Leroy plays happily by the fire with his Christmas puppy.

SFX:

PUPPY YIPS

GILDERSLEEVE:

(READS) "If you claim a credit in Line Fifteen, disregard Lines Nineteen A and B. Complete Schedule L-One on page four and enter result in Line Nineteen-C." (SCORNFUL, TO HIMSELF) Gibberish.

SFX: PUPPY YIPS

GILDERSLEEVE:

Has the puppy eaten this morning, Leroy?

LEROY: Oh, sure, he ate and ate and ate.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(TO SELF) I wonder if I could put him down as a dependent? ... Eh, I suppose not.

LEROY:

When are you gonna help me build a house for him, Unc?

GILDERSLEEVE:

A house? Not today, Leroy.

LEROY:

But you promised.

GILDERSLEEVE:

I know, but I gotta get started on this confounded income tax.

LEROY:

I thought it didn't have to be in till March.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Don't worry, it'll take till March to finish it. ... Let's see. (READS) "If Line Twenty is larger than Line Twenty-One-D, enter the difference here and also as Item Twenty, page one. If not, see Item Twenty-Three."

SFX:

PUPPY WAILS MOURNFULLY

GILDERSLEEVE:

The dog is right. ... (READS) "Line Twenty--"

SFX:

PUPPY RATTLES PAPERS

GILDERSLEEVE:

Confound it, Leroy, you'll have to keep the dog quiet. This thing is very complicated.

LEROY:

Well, if he had his own house he could go there and not bother anybody.

GILDERSLEEVE:

I can't build it today, my boy, but I've got to have quiet.

LEROY:

Okay. (TO PUPPY) Have to be quiet, Stinky.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yeah. (DOUBLE TAKE) What - what did you call the puppy, Leroy?

LEROY:

Stinky. That's his name.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Since when?

LEROY:

Since yesterday. ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, I won't have him called that. You'll have to find something more suitable.

LEROY:

Aw, gosh, he likes it, Unc. It suits him fine.

GILDERSLEEVE:

If you'd give him a bath, it wouldn't be so appropriate. ... Why don't you go and give him a bath right now?

LEROY:

It's bad for puppies to have baths in the winter.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Nonsense. Who told you that?

LEROY:

You did.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh. ...

MARJORIE:

(FADES IN) Uncle Mort, has the mail come yet?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Mail? I don't know, my dear; I haven't looked.

SFX:

PUPPY CRYING

MARJORIE:

Aw, what's the matter, Stinky?

GILDERSLEEVE:

(ADMONISHES, SLOWLY) Marjorie--!

MARJORIE:

What'd I do?

GILDERSLEEVE:

I do not like the name for the puppy. Can't we get a more dignified name for him?

MARJORIE:

Like what?

LEROY:

He wants to call him Rover.

GILDERSLEEVE:

I didn't say anything about Rover. Although Rover's a nice name for a dog. (TRIES IT OUT, GRANDLY, TO PUPPY) Here, Rover. (A DIFFERENT INFLECTION) Here, Rover.

LEROY:

He doesn't seem to go for it.

MARJORIE:

You can't expect him to know it the first time.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(VARIOUS INFLECTIONS) Here, Rover. Nice Rover. Come to Uncle Mort, Rover. (STERN) Rover!

SFX:

PUPPY GROWLS ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Don't you growl at me, you little mutt.

LEROY:

He's not a mutt; he's an Airedale.

GILDERSLEEVE:

An Airedale? Well, he behaves like a mutt.

MARJORIE:

(LIGHTLY, MOVING OFF) Oh, he can't help it. I'm gonna get the mail.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yah, why don't you go somewhere, too, Leroy? Take the dog with ya.

LEROY:

It's too cold to go out. What is there to do?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Uh, go practice your piano. You haven't practiced all week.

LEROY:

Okay. (TO PUPPY) Come on, Stink-- Er, come on, Rover.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(SATISFIED CHUCKLE, THEN READS) "Victory tax credit." (UNHAPPILY, TO SELF) Phew, this is a lulu.

MARJORIE:

(FADES IN) Here you are, Uncle Mort. Some lovely mail to cheer you up.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh? What is it?

MARJORIE:

A bill from Dr. Hargrave.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(FUSSED) Certainly didn't lose any time. Wonder what he'll have the nerve to charge me. All those fancy instruments, Complicated tests. Well, I won't pay it, that's all. The robber!

SFX:

ENVELOPE RIPPED OPEN ... BILL UNFOLDED

MARJORIE:

Well, what is it?

GILDERSLEEVE:

(READS) For professional services-- (OFFENDED) Two dollars! What does he think I am, a pauper? ...

MUSIC:

LEROY'S PIANO ... A SLOW BOOGIE-WOOGIE

GILDERSLEEVE:

(CALLS, DISAPPROVING) Lee-roy!

MUSIC:

LEROY'S PIANO ... SMOOTHLY CHANGES TO CLASSICAL ... THEN IN BG

GILDERSLEEVE:

Say, there's something about deducting medical expenses on your income tax. Here, Instruction Fifteen. (READS) "A deduction is limited to such expenses as--"

BIRDIE:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Oh, Leroy? Leroy? Oh, Leroy?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Leroy, answer Birdie. Confound it, I've gotta have quiet here!

MUSIC:

LEROY'S PIANO ... STOPS

LEROY:

What d'ya want, Birdie?

BIRDIE:

Did you feed Stinky this morning?

GILDERSLEEVE:

(DISAPPROVING) Birdie!

BIRDIE: What's the matter, Mr. Gildersleeve?

GILDERSLEEVE:

That's not the name I want that puppy called. It's very offensive.

BIRDIE:

It sure is, but it fits him. ... What I wanna know is, how long is he gonna be sleeping in my kitchen?

LEROY:

Yeah, if he had a doghouse--

GILDERSLEEVE:

Quiet! I've got to have absolute quiet here.

BIRDIE: Yes, sir.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(BEAT) That's more like it. Now-- (MUSES) Single person not living with husband or wife, twenty-five percent, less two percent for each dependent of Line Four, with not more than five hundred dollars, plus a hundred dollars for each dependent. (STOPS MUSING) By George, I give up. Come on, Leroy, let's build a doghouse for Stinky.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

GILDY & LEROY'S STEPS DOWN CELLAR STAIRS

GILDERSLEEVE:

(UNHAPPY) It's dark as your hat down here. You go ahead, Leroy, and turn on the light.

LEROY:

I will, if I can find it.

GILDERSLEEVE:

It's right over where the workbench is.

LEROY:

I know, but where's the workbench?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Right under the light!

LEROY:

Big help you are.

SFX:

SMALL CRASH

LEROY:

Ouch!

GILDERSLEEVE:

What's the matter?

LEROY:

I bumped into something.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, why don't you watch where you're going--?

SFX:

BIG CRASH

GILDERSLEEVE:

(INTERJECTIONS, AS HE FALLS DOWN) Who left that there and what is it?

LEROY:

It's my sled.

GILDERSLEEVE:

What's your sled doing in the cellar?

LEROY:

I was just polishing my runners.

GILDERSLEEVE:

If I find it here again, Leroy, I'm gonna burn it. Now turn on the light.

LEROY:

I've got it. There.

SFX:

LIGHT SWITCH

GILDERSLEEVE:

Leroy, I thought I told you to clean up this place, way before Christmas.

LEROY:

I did, Unc.

GILDERSLEEVE:

You did? Just look at it.

LEROY:

I know. Isn't it terrible? You clean up anything around here and right away, somebody messes it up.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yes, yes.

LEROY:

It's discouraging.

GILDERSLEEVE:

I give up. Let's get on with the doghouse.

LEROY:

Yeah, let's. Here's a soapbox I've been savin'.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Soapbox?

LEROY:

I thought if we cut a hole in one end for a door and put a roof on it--

GILDERSLEEVE:

That's no good.

LEROY:

Why not?

GILDERSLEEVE:

In the first place, it's not big enough. We need something about three feet, six inches.

LEROY:

Three feet, six inches? The dog is only a foot long.

GILDERSLEEVE:

He won't always be a puppy, ya know. You have to remember we're building for the future here. Besides, whatever's worth doing at all is worth doing well. Remember that. Get me one of those long boards over there.

LEROY:

They got nails in 'em.

GILDERSLEEVE:

We'll pull 'em out.

LEROY: (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT BEHIND--)

SFX:

CRASH! OF WOODEN BOARDS FALLING

LEROY:

(BIG HEAVING SIGH)

GILDERSLEEVE:

That's the stuff, my boy. Now lay it on top of this soapbox and we'll saw it into lengths.

SFX: PUTS BOARD DOWN

LEROY:

Can I saw, Unc?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Perhaps. After I've shown you how.

LEROY:

For corn's sake. I've been sawin' all my life.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything, my boy. You might as well start by learning the right way.

LEROY:

Okay.

GILDERSLEEVE:

First, you observe, I take the ruler and I measure it off very carefully. Exactly three feet and six inches. Then--

LEROY:

Unc?

GILDERSLEEVE:

What?

LEROY:

The ruler. Wrong end.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh. (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) They don't mark these very clearly, my boy. There. Now -- the saw.

LEROY:

Here you are.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Thank you. There; now about saws. There are two kinds of saws. The cross cut and the, um, uh-- the other kind. ...

LEROY:

Rip!

GILDERSLEEVE:

Where? What? ...

LEROY:

Rip saw. That's the other kind.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, very good. Rip. Heh, heh. You know how to tell 'em apart?

LEROY:

No, how?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, er-- (HASN'T A CLUE) Takes experience. ... All these things call for experience.

LEROY:

What kind is this?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Huh?

LEROY:

The saw. Is it a cross cut or a rip saw?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, sort of in-between. Heh heh. ... Now, observe the way I hold it, Leroy. Lightly yet firmly. Being careful at all times not to drop it or bang it against anything. Teeth are very delicate, you know.

LEROY:

I know.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Now, you take your piece of wood, so--

SFX:

DROPS BOARD ON BOX

GILDERSLEEVE:

Ya place it on the box--

SFX:

ADJUSTS BOARD ON BOX

GILDERSLEEVE:

Then you put your knee on top of it to steady it.

SFX:

KNEE ON BOARD

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Are you watching?

LEROY:

I'm watching.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Next, I raise the saw, take careful aim, and start in with a smooth, even stroke.

SFX:

ABOUT TWO SECONDS OF WILDLY UNEVEN ROUGH SAWING, THEN CLUNK!

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GRUNTS) ...

LEROY:

You hit a nail, Unc.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yeah, darn board. That's the trouble with it.

LEROY:

That's bad for the saw.

GILDERSLEEVE:

You don't have to tell me, Leroy. ... Only it wasn't my fault. But I'll tell ya -- we'll make the doghouse three feet, five inches. That way we'll miss the nails.

LEROY:

Yeah, but there's a knot.

GILDERSLEEVE:

A knot? All right, three feet, four. That'll miss the knot.

LEROY:

Well, we may have to take a couple o' inches off the dog, but let 'er rip! ...

SFX:

SAWING ... THEN IN BG

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GRUNTS, WITH EFFORT) Darn wood. [?]

LEROY:

You know, Unc?

SFX:

SAWING STOPS

GILDERSLEEVE:

What?

LEROY:

I figure we're gonna need about forty-eight pieces like this.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Forty-eight?!

LEROY:

Well, there's the bottom, two sides, two ends and two pieces for the roof.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Shee, all this for a dog.

SFX:

SAWING CONTINUES ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

MUSIC:

MATCHES RHYTHM OF SAWING ... FOR A TRANSITION ... RHYTHM SLOWS ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

SFX:

SAWING FADES BACK IN DURING ABOVE, MATCHES THE SLOWER RHYTHM

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GRUNTS IN RHYTHM)

SFX:

SAWING STOPS

LEROY:

What's the matter, Unc? Tired?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, no, Leroy.

SFX:

SAWING RESUMES ... THEN IN BG

LEROY:

Hey, Unc. Unc, your coat!

GILDERSLEEVE:

Never talk to a man when he's sawing, Leroy.

LEROY:

But your coat! You're sawing it!

SFX:

SAWING STOPS

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh. Heh heh. Confounded thing. (DETERMINED) Stand back, Leroy.

SFX:

RAPID SAWING ... THEN PIECE OF WOOD FALLS TO FLOOR

GILDERSLEEVE:

(SATISFIED INTERJECTION)

LEROY:

Good work, Unc! That makes seventeen. Only thirty-one to go.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Thirty-one?!

BIRDIE:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Oh, Mr. Gildersleeve?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Down here, Birdie!

SFX:

BIRDIE'S STEPS DOWN CELLAR STAIRS

MARJORIE:

My goodness! You been down here all afternoon?

LEROY:

Never talk to a man when he's sawing, Birdie.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Don't be impudent, Leroy.

MARJORIE:

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Gildersleeve, Mrs. Ransom's on the phone.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh? Mrs. Ransom?

MARJORIE:

Yes, sir. She wants to know, could you come over to her house for a little tea?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Could I? (SIGNATURE LAUGH)

LEROY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, Unc!

GILDERSLEEVE:

Tell her, here I come, Birdie.

LEROY:

But, Unc! What about the doghouse?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, you get the idea now, Leroy. I'll leave the finishing touches to you.

LEROY:

Finishin' touches? We haven't even started. I don't know how to go on.

GILDERSLEEVE:

I'll tell you what to do. You find a nice soapbox and cut a hole in one end for a door. (LAUGHS, MOVING OFF) Tell her I'll be right there, Birdie!

LEROY:

Gosh, what a character!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... "TEA FOR TWO"

LEILA:

How do you like your tea, Throckmorton? Strong or weak?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, I'm not much of a tea-hound, to tell the truth. I like it any way.

LEILA:

You like it strong probably, because (LAYING IT ON THICK) you're so strong. ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

(PLAYFUL) I suppose you like it weak? (SILLY LAUGH)

LEILA:

(LAUGHS) ... Oh, silly. Tell me, what are you doing this evening? Have you any plans?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Plans? Not a thing.

LEILA:

Oh, good. You'll stay to supper, then.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, will I! (EAGER) Leila, what's up? Come on, tell me.

LEILA:

Oh, Throckmorton, you're so impetuous.

GILDERSLEEVE: (RELUCTANT) All right, I'll sit over here then. ... Now tell me.

LEILA:

Well, drink your tea first. You know, Throckmorton, I've had a feeling you've been a little put out with me lately.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Put out? I don't know where you got that.

LEILA:

It's true; you know it is. Tell me, is it because of Dr. Hargrave?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Why should I be put out about him? He means nothing to me, one way or the other.

LEILA:

Well, I thought maybe it was because of that party New Year's Eve and because I've been seeing so much of him lately.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(BRAZENLY AVOIDS THE SUBJECT) Have you? This tea is good.

LEILA:

Mmm, I'm glad. ... I'm glad you like it. Tell me, now that you've been to him, don't you agree that he's wonderful?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Who's wonderful?

LEILA:

Dr. Hargrave.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(CASUAL) I don't see what's so wonderful about him. Just a doctor.

LEILA:

(TREMULOUS) Oh, but I think all doctors are wonderful.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, I never hear you rave about Dr. Pettibone. 'Course, Pettibone doesn't kiss your hand.

LEILA:

(EXHALES) Throckmorton, if you're implyin' that Dr. Hargrave has made advances to me, you're mistaken. Gracious, he's much too busy to have any interest in poor little me. All he cares about is science.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(SKEPTICAL) Uh huh.

LEILA:

Mm. That's all any real doctor cares about -- science. (BREATHLESS, TREMULOUS) Ooooh, I love science! ...

GILDERSLEEVE: (SKEPTICAL) Uh huh.

LEILA:

I think he looks a little like Walllllter Pidgeon, don't you?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Who's Walllllter Pidgeon? ...

LEILA:

You mean to tell me you've never seen Walter Pidgeon in the movies?

GILDERSLEEVE:

I can't tell one movie actor from another.

LEILA:

Oh, I saw him in "The Life of Madame Curie" last week and he was wonderful. Even with a beard! Oh, so was Greer Garson.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Huh?

LEILA:

All she did was stand at his side, day and night, and be a help to him and bring him little things to eat. That's all I'd ask.

GILDERSLEEVE:

What?

LEILA:

Just to be allowed to stay at his side and feel that I was contributin' my little bit to science.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(WRY) Are you talking about Walter Pidgeon or Dr. Hargrave? ...

LEILA:

Throckmorton, you're laughin' at me.

GILDERSLEEVE:

No, I'm not. Only I--

LEILA:

Well, he doesn't laugh at me. He told me he'd take me along with him on a case some time.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Leila, if you got me over here just to tell me how wonderful Dr. Hargrave is--

LEILA:

I'm sorry, Throckmorton. I know you're jealous and I shouldn't--

GILDERSLEEVE:

I'm not jealous! Just because I'm not a doctor-- Gosh, you'd think doctors were the only people who were wonderful.

LEILA:

Oh, we can't all be doctors, Throckmorton. I know that. It takes all kinds.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Thank you.

LEILA:

Now, you're a businessman. That's wonderful, too.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Hm! Well-- ...

LEILA:

It is. You understand about financial things and all. Things that just my make my poor head swim.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Matter of training, that's all.

LEILA:

Well, it's more than that. It takes genius.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(LIKES THE SOUND OF THAT) O-o-o-oh. ... Well, of course, if you want to call it that.

LEILA:

Oh, I just admire anyone showing they can add and subtract and everything. ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

I bet Hargrave can't do it. I bet Walter Pidgeon can't either.

LEILA:

Hmmm. That's why I asked you over this evening, Throckmorton.

GILDERSLEEVE: What? Why?

LEILA:

Well, I - I thought we'd be here together and we could just-- Well, you see, I got my income tax this morning. ... I declare, I can't make head or tail of it.

GILDERSLEEVE:

So that's it! Leila--!

LEILA: Oh, but I'd stay by your side every minute, Throckmorton, and bring you little things to eat. ... Please? Pretty please?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, by George, I wish I'd stuck to Stinky and the doghouse.

MUSIC: CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE will be with us again in just a few seconds.

During the coming drive for victory, we're all going to need extra energy to get the job done. And that's why it's so important to see that the family diet includes a plentiful supply of well-balanced, nourishing foods. Foods that really taste good -- like Parkay, the famous spread for bread made by Kraft. Parkay has a delicate, appetizing flavor that really satisfies. It steps up your family nutrition program because it makes the family want to eat more bread and other foods that contribute to glowing health and strength.

And, as for energy, Parkay Margarine is one of the very best energy foods you can serve. And, remember, every pound contains at least nine thousand units of important Vitamin A. So for flavor, for good nutrition, and for economy, be sure to ask your dealer for Parkay, P-A-R-K-A-Y, Parkay Margarine, made by Kraft.

MUSIC:

JAUNTY INTRO ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Now, let's get back to THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE. Two hours have passed but he's right where we left him -- trapped by the Widow Ransom's silken snare, and floundering around in her income tax.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, let's see here. (READS) "Business or profession. Fill in Schedule C-Two. Farmers keeping notebooks or accounts--" (TO SELF) Well, she's not a farmer, that much I know. And she's not in the armed forces. ...

LEILA:

(FADES IN) Throckmorton, supper!

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oooh, thank goodness!

LEILA:

Oh, don't get up, darlin'. I'm bringin' it to ya on a tray.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. What d'ya got?

LEILA:

Well, it's just a sandwich and a glass of milk.

GILDERSLEEVE: Is that what Walter Pidgeon gets? ...

LEILA:

(SCOFFS) Silly. I thought as long as we'd had tea, you wouldn't be wantin' much, and this way you won't have to interrupt your work.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, that's great.

LEILA:

How're ya comin'? Oh, I can see you're doin' just fine!

GILDERSLEEVE:

I haven't even started yet, Leila. If you want me to help you with this thing, you'll have to give me the necessary information.

LEILA:

Oh, I'll be glad to, Throckmorton, if it's not too personal.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(DARK LAUGH) ... To begin with, Leila, have you had any net gain or loss from sale or exchange of property other than capital assets?

LEILA:

Gracious, how should I know? I'd have to ask Judge Hooker.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, why don't you? Why don't you get him to make out your whole income tax? He's your lawyer.

LEILA:

I know, but I've asked the judge to help me with so many things lately. I just couldn't ask him to do any more -- without charging me.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(HELPLESS CHUCKLE) He'd be glad to do it.

LEILA:

You really think so?

GILDERSLEEVE: He'd be delighted. (MISCHIEVOUS LAUGH) ... Let's call him up and get him right over here.

LEILA:

Oh, I couldn't ask him, Throckmorton.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Then I will. Where's the telephone?

LEILA:

Uh, right over there, under that door. You just lift up.

SFX:

RECEIVER UP ... DIALS BEHIND--


SFX:

RECEIVER DOWN

GILDERSLEEVE:

You see, just leave it to your Uncle Throckmorton. He'll be right over.

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

GILDERSLEEVE:

That can't be him.

LEILA:

Oh, excuse me.

SFX: LEILA'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

LEILA:

Why, it's Mr. Peavey. Come in.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(CHEERFUL) Peavey!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

PEAVEY:

(THE MILDEST MAN ALIVE) Good evening, Mrs. Ransom.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, well! ...

PEAVEY:

Hello, Mr. Gildersleeve.

LEILA:

Won't you take off your coat?

PEAVEY:

Oh. No, I won't stay, Mrs. Ransom. I was on my home to supper and I just dropped by to leave this.

LEILA:

(GLEEFUL) Kleenex! Throckmorton, it's a box of Kleenex! ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Kleenex?

LEILA:

Oh, you don't know how hard it is to get. Oh, Mr. Peavey, you're a lamb! I declare, I could just kiss you!

PEAVEY:

Well now, I wouldn't do that. ... As a matter of fact, I had it put away for you, under the counter. Then I went away for a few days.

GILDERSLEEVE:

I heard you had the flu, Peavey. How you feeling?

PEAVEY:

Oh, just fine, Mr. Gildersleeve. Fit as a fiddle.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh? ... Fit as a fiddle and -- ready for love, huh?

PEAVEY:

Well now, I - I - I, uh, hope I'm not interrupting anything here. ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, no, Peavey. Stick around. We weren't doing anything.

LEILA:

Just my income tax.

GILDERSLEEVE:

No rush about that. You say you were out of town for a few days?

PEAVEY:

Yes, Mrs. Peavey and I had to go down to Belleville.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, great. Have a good time?

PEAVEY:

Well, we were there on a rather sad errand.

LEILA:

(SYMPATHETIC) Ohhhh.

PEAVEY:

My mother-in-law, Mrs. Peavey's mother.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, that's too bad.

PEAVEY:

Well, I guess we all have to go sometime.

LEILA:

Well, perhaps it was all for the best.

PEAVEY:

Well, I raised that point, but Mrs. Peavey-- ... She couldn't seem to see it my way. ... Of course, she was upset.

LEILA:

Oh, of course.

PEAVEY:

But it was a nice service. Dr. Kaltenmeyer spoke a few words and we saw a lot of people we hadn't seen in a long time. Everything was very nice.

LEILA: Mmm. That's always such a comfort, I think.

PEAVEY:

Yes. You know, the old lady lived with us for a good many years before she went to Belleville to live with her son.

GILDERSLEEVE: I guess it won't seem like home without her.

PEAVEY:

Well now, I-- (CHUCKLES, SELF-CONSCIOUS) I guess I'd better be getting along home. ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Don't rush off, Peavey.

LEILA:

Oh, no, don't. We're not doing anything. Just trying to finish my income tax.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yes, income tax. Have you looked at the thing yet, Peavey?

PEAVEY:

Mr. Gildersleeve, I looked at it this morning. And there's one thing I wish someone would tell me.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh? What's that?

PEAVEY:

Are they kidding? ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

GILDERSLEEVE:

Thank heaven. Must be Hooker. I'll go.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, hello, Judge! Come on in.

JUDGE:

Thank you, Gildy.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

JUDGE:

By golly, I'm glad you called me up. I'm just in the mood for a little diversion.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, well, you came to the right place, Judge. ... Here, let me have your coat.

JUDGE:

Thank you.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yes, sir. Plenty of diversion. (GIGGLE) Charming hostess.

JUDGE:

(EAGER) Indeed she is. Where is Leila?

GILDERSLEEVE:

In the other room. Plenty of diversion, Judge. And a chance to do a New Year's good deed, too.

JUDGE:

Hmmm? Good deed?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Uh huh. (CONSPIRATORIAL) Say, Horace, let's help Leila with her income tax.

JUDGE:

(REALIZES) Gildersleeve, you're a dirty dog.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(SIGNATURE LAUGH) ... Why, Horace, the poor little girl is desperate. Are you gonna let her think you're unwilling to help?

JUDGE:

Well, I'm not unwilling. I just don't like to be invited to people's houses under false pretenses.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, Horace, now come on. Be a sport. We'll have it done in no time.

JUDGE:

Well, I guess you haven't seen the new tax form.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, Leila, here's Horace. Many hands make light work, you know.

LEILA:

Oh, Horace, you're an angel to help me.

JUDGE:

Glad to do it for you, Leila. Glad to do it. (CHUCKLES) Got your check book here? Deposit slips?

LEILA:

Throckmorton, I knew he'd think of something practical right away. Here they are, Judge.

JUDGE:

Fine. Now, these represent all the money you received during the year, do they not?

LEILA:

Well, practically. All my big checks are deposited. Only, once in a while, I get a little bitty dividend and I just cash that.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GROANS) This is gonna be worse than I thought.

JUDGE:

Now let me see that list of your securities. Now, write down all the dividends, whether you got 'em or not.

LEILA:

Here's the list. Remember you made it out for me yourself.

JUDGE:

Yah, I remember. Now, let's see. One share of Happy Valley Light and Power, five dollars. One share of Fisdale Improvement Company, five dollars. One share of-- (BRIEFLY CONTINUES IN BG, INDISTINCT)

GILDERSLEEVE:

(QUIETLY) Leila, let's go in the other room and let the Judge concentrate.

LEILA:

He might want to ask some questions.

GILDERSLEEVE:

No, he's got all the stuff right there. (LEADS HER AWAY FROM JUDGE) Come on.

LEILA:

Throckmorton, I don't feel right sneakin' off like this while the judge is workin'.

GILDERSLEEVE: We weren't helping him any. When there's something I can do to help, I'll do it. Come on, let's sit by the fire.

LEILA:

No, I don't think we'd better, somehow.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh? Oh, I've got a great idea. Let's dance.

LEILA:

Oh, no. The radio would disturb the judge.

GILDERSLEEVE:

We won't use the radio. I'll just sing softly in your little ear.

LEILA:

(LAUGHS) ... Well, just for a minute.

GILDERSLEEVE:

All right. (SINGS "WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?" from "SHOW BOAT") "Why do I love you? Why do you love me?" (CONTINUES TO SOFTLY "LA-LA-LA" THROUGH NEXT LINE)

LEILA:

Ah, you do dance nicely, Throckmorton. (GENTLE WARNING) Now, now, let's just dance, shall we? ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Let's go downtown someplace and dance, Leila. Just for a little while. The judge will never notice we've gone.

LEILA:

Why, Throckmorton, what a disloyal idea. You got Horace over here to help you.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yeah, and he's being a big help. (BRIEF GIGGLE) Listen, Leila--

LEILA:

Now, Throckmorton, stop--!

JUDGE:

Hey, Gildersleeve, what's going on?

GILDERSLEEVE:

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) We were just dancing, Judge.

JUDGE:

Dancing? I don't see any orchestra.

LEILA:

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Throckmorton was singin' for the music.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(LAUGHS)

JUDGE:

Well, that sounds more like what I came over for. Gildersleeve, suppose you go check my addition while I tread a few measures.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Judge, I'll take your addition on trust.

JUDGE:

Well, I'd feel much better if you'd check it, Throckmorton.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(GROANS, MOVES OFF) This is no fair, you old goat.

JUDGE:

(CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY) ... Leila, may I have the pleasure of this dance?

LEILA:

I'd be delighted, Judge.

JUDGE:

All right. Play orchestra, play!
(SINGS, LOUD AND OFF-KEY, WITH GREAT GUSTO)
Put on your old gray bonnet with the blue ribbon on it
While I put old Dobbin to the shay,
For we're off to Dover through the fields of clover
On our golden wedding day!

LEILA:

(BREATHLESS) My goodness, Horace, you shertainly dance vigorously. ... Whew!

JUDGE:

Thank you, Leila. You're a very good dancer yourself.

LEILA:

Oh, thank you.

JUDGE:

You're looking very handsome, too.

LEILA:

(GENTLE WARNING) Now, Ju-u-u-udge--!

JUDGE:

Say, why don't you and I go down to Peavey's and get a soda? Throckmorton will never notice.

LEILA:

Why, Horace Hooker, I thought you came over here to help me.

JUDGE:

Well, I did, but Gildy's doing so well, I thought-- Oh, come on, just take us a few minutes.

LEILA:

Judge, you oughta be ashamed.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(DRAWLS LIKE A COUNTRY SHERIFF) Is this man annoying you, madam? (SIGNATURE LAUGH) ...

LEILA:

(PLEASED) Well! Are you all through with the addition, Throckmorton?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yeah, and the judge made a mistake, too.

JUDGE:

I don't believe it; where was it?

GILDERSLEEVE:

That's for you to find out; it's there. ... Come on, Leila, it's my dance.

LEILA:

Oh, now, you boys are bein' ridiculous, both of ya. Let's go and finish up my poor little income tax and then we can all have fun.

GILDERSLEEVE:

But, Leila, it's my turn.

LEILA:

Now, you had the first turn. Now you're all even. (MOVES OFF) Come on, Throckmorton, let's finish up.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, well. Come on, Judge.

JUDGE:

All right. Now, let's see. Leila, did you make any contributions during the year 1943?

LEILA:

Well, I put fifty cents in the plate every Sunday.

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

LEILA:

Oh, mercy, who can that be? Excuse me, Horace, Throckmorton.

GILDERSLEEVE:

All right, Judge. Contributions is easy. But what about net capital gains? Let me see you explain that if you're so smart. (FADES OUT)

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

DR. HARGRAVE:

Ah, good evening, Mrs. Ransom.

LEILA:

(PLEASED) Why, Dr. Hargrave! What a surprise.

DR. HARGRAVE: Well, I warned you I'd need your help on a case sometime. (GENTLE, PIOUS) Would you like to be an angel of mercy for a little while?

LEILA:

Oh, I surely would, Doctor, only--

DR. HARGRAVE:

I've got a call about twenty miles out in the country. Some farmer's broken his leg, but it's a nice moonlight night and my tank is full of gas.

LEILA:

(THRILLED) Oh, how excitin'! ... How excitin'! Er, the broken leg, I mean. ...

DR. HARGRAVE:

Well? Are you game?

LEILA:

Well, I'll tell ya, I've got two income tax men here workin' on my return and I don't--

DR. HARGRAVE:

Oh, we'll be back in two hours. I promise.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(FADES IN) Well, what is it, Leila?

LEILA:

Oh, Throckmorton, I--

DR. HARGRAVE:

Oh, hello there, Gildersleeve -- and Judge Hooker.

JUDGE:

Good evening.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Hello, Hargrave. What do you want -- your two dollars? (SIGNATURE LAUGH) ...

DR. HARGRAVE:

No, I - I've got an emergency case I've got to see, Gildersleeve, and Mrs. Ransom has very kindly consented to go along as my, er, anesthetist.

LEILA:

(IMPRESSED, FLUTTERY) Ohhhhh, Doctor Hargrave! ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

Now, look here, Leila--

JUDGE:

Leila, this isn't fair!

DR. HARGRAVE:

It's only twenty miles.

JUDGE:

Twenty miles?

LEILA:

Oh, where's my coat?

DR. HARGRAVE:

Is this it?

LEILA:

Oh, yes, yes, thank you. Now you boys keep workin', ya hear? I'll be back in an hour.

GILDERSLEEVE:

But, Leila--!

JUDGE:

Leila!

LEILA:

Goodbye!

DR. HARGRAVE:

Goodbye.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Lee--!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTS

JUDGE:

I'll be doggoned. What's he got that we haven't got?

GILDERSLEEVE:

A "C" card. That's women for ya. ... [possible alternate line --- "Science! That's women for ya."]

SFX:

APPLAUSE BEHIND FOLLOWING--

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... THEN BRIEF BRIDGE

GILDERSLEEVE:

Leroy, it's half past eight. Bedtime, my boy.

LEROY:

Why, so it is, Unc. I've been workin' so hard I didn't notice.

GILDERSLEEVE: Well! Doing your homework?

LEROY:

Oh, no, I finished that Saturday.

GILDERSLEEVE: Oh?

LEROY:

I've been cleanin' up the cellar.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Well, well.

LEROY:

Good night, Uncle Mort.

SFX: NOISY KISS

GILDERSLEEVE:

Ee-uuw, I wonder what's come over him? ... Good night, everybody. (LAUGHS)

SFX:

APPLAUSE ... THEN IN BG, OUT ABRUPTLY AT [X]

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... THEN IN BG, OUT ABRUPTLY AT [X]

ANNOUNCER:

Music heard on this program was directed by Claude Sweeten. This is Ken Carpenter speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company inviting you to listen in next week for the further adventures of THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE. [X]

NBC ANNCR:

This is the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES