Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Columbia Workshop
Show: Alice in Wonderland, Part 1
Date: Sep 26 1937

CAST:
ANNOUNCER
1ST NARRATOR, sinister, snarky, sour and skeptical
2ND NARRATOR, warm, wise and winning
ALICE, our no-nonsense heroine
SISTER, older and duller
RABBIT, white and uptight
MOUSE, squeaky
DODO, slow and solemn
EAGLET (1 line)
DUCK (3 lines)
LORY (1 line)
CATERPILLAR, languid
FISH (1 line)
FROG
BABY, who is a pig
DUCHESS, crazy
COOK, violent
CAT, who comes and goes
and other assorted BIRDS and ANIMALS

NOTE: No attempt has been made to describe the almost continuous musical cues, except the most obvious ones. Good luck with this one, accompanists!

MUSIC:

IN

ANNOUNCER:

The Columbia Workshop, under the direction of William N. Robson presents ---- "Alice in Wonderland."

The Columbia Workshop tonight essays a new type of experimentation with this, the first part of its dramatization of Lewis Carroll's classic "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland." The music, which has been specially written for the broadcast by Leith Stevens and Paul Sterrett, will function not only as radio music usually does in setting scenes and moods but will also suggest various sound effects. Mr. Robson, guest director, who adapted and is directing this production, and Irving Reis, the permanent director of the Workshop, would like to know what you, the listener, thinks about it.

The Columbia Workshop presents "Alice in Wonderland."

MUSIC:

OUT

1ST NARR.:

(DISMISSIVE) "Alice in Wonderland," a fairy story of the nineteenth century. A bit of gossamer flimsy. A fantasy for children.

2ND NARR.:

(BENEVOLENT) "Alice," a fairy story peopled with human beings, animals that talk like men. Do they mirror men who act like animals? I do not know. I merely wrote a simple story about a little girl for a little girl. Half the world has, for seventy-two years, called it childish nonsense; the other half, significant social satire. To me, it has always been simply "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland."

1ST NARR.:

(AN INTRODUCTION) "Alice ... in Wonderland."

MUSIC:

IN

ALICE:

(YAWNS)

SISTER:

Alice, don't fidget so.

ALICE:

I beg your pardon, Sister, but it is so very dull to-day. Isn't it tea time yet?

SISTER:

Not quite. We'll go in to tea when I finish the chapter I'm reading.

ALICE:

(YAWNS)

SISTER:

Why don't you go and pick some daisies?

ALICE:

Oh, it's so dreadfully hot to pick dai-- (YAWNS) --daisies. (YAWNS)

MUSIC:

HIPPITY-HOP

ALICE:

Sister! Look! Down there in the grass! A White Rabbit!

SISTER:

(INDIFFERENT) Mm hm.

ALICE:

Sister, he has a waistcoat on. And look! He's taking a watch out of it.

SISTER:

Oh, Alice, what nonsense.

RABBIT:

(OFF) Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!

ALICE:

Sister, did you hear that?

SISTER:

Hear what?

ALICE:

The Rabbit! He looked at his watch and then he spoke!

SISTER:

Oh, Alice, your imagination!

ALICE:

(LAUGHS MERRILY, MOVING OFF)

SISTER:

Alice? Alice, come back here! Where are you going? (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

ALICE:

(CALLS, TO SISTER) I've - I've got to see the Rabbit again, Sister! (TO HERSELF) Oh, dear! He just popped into that hole under the hedge. But it's such a very large rabbit-hole-- (WITH EFFORT) --perhaps I could squeeze through. (MORE EFFORT) There! I can still see him. He's down at the end. Oh, I must hurry. I must-- Oooh! Oh! I'm falling! I'm fallllling! (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

FOR A LONG FALL

1ST NARR.:

Falling down what seems to be a very deep well.

2ND NARR.:

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time to look about her and notice that the sides of the well were filled with cupboards and book-shelves.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, BREATHLESS) After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!

1ST NARR.:

Which is very likely true.

2ND NARR.:

Down -- down -- down. Alice became very drowsy and she had almost fallen asleep when--

MUSIC:

FOR A CRASH LANDING ... THEN OUT

ALICE:

Oh! (TO HERSELF) Gracious! I've landed. I ought to be hurt -- but I don't seem to be. Now, where is the White Rabbit?

MUSIC:

HIPPITY-HOP

ALICE:

(LAUGHS) Oh, there he goes!

RABBIT:

(OFF) Oh, my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) He's turned the corner of the passage! Oh, I mustn't lose him!

MUSIC:

IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

2ND NARR.:

But when Alice turned the corner, the Rabbit was no longer to be seen. She found herself in a long, low hall, with doors all around it; all locked. In the middle, was a little three-legged table, of solid glass; but nothing on it but a tiny golden key.

1ST NARR.:

Alice tries the key in the various doors of the hall; but either the locks are too large, or the key is too small. Now, she sees a little door about fifteen inches high. She tries the little golden key in the lock, and -- it fits! Alice is opening the door. Now, she is kneeling to look through the passage. It leads to a lovely garden, but she can't even get her head through the doorway.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) And even if my head would go through, it would be of very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.

1ST NARR.:

Alice is returning to the table now. She's looking for another key, or perhaps a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes. She doesn't find either but there is a little bottle there.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Which certainly wasn't here before!

1ST NARR.:

Around the neck of the bottle is a paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters.

ALICE:

(READS) 'Drink me.' (TO HERSELF) Hmmm. No! I'll look first and see whether it's marked 'poison'!

2ND NARR.:

But the bottle was not marked 'poison,' so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice--

1ST NARR.:

It has, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast.

2ND NARR.:

--she very soon finished it off.

MUSIC:

TO SHRINK BY

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, INCREASINGLY SQUEAKY) What a curious feeling! I must be shutting up like a telescope.

1ST NARR.:

She is shrinking. She is now only ten inches high. She's about the size to go through the door into the lovely garden now. She's a little nervous, though -- afraid she might shrink too far.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, SQUEAKY) It might end, you know, in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?

2ND NARR.:

Fortunately, nothing more happened; but, alas for poor Alice! She had left the little golden key on the table, and though she could see it quite plainly through the glass, she was now much too small to reach it. Soon, her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table. She opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked in currants.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, SQUEAKY) Well, I'll eat it, and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care much which happens! (EATS CAKE) Which way? Which way?

1ST NARR.:

She's holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way she is growing.

MUSIC:

TO GROW BY

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, INCREASINGLY LESS SQUEAKY) Curiouser and curiouser!

1ST NARR.:

She is so surprised, she quite forgets to speak good English.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, BIGGER AND BIGGER) Now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!

MUSIC:

FOR GROWING TOO FAST AND HITTING ONE'S HEAD ON THE CEILING ... THEN OUT

ALICE:

Ouch!

1ST NARR.:

Her head strikes against the roof of the hall. She is now more than nine feet high. She takes up the little golden key and hurries off to the garden door.

MUSIC:

IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

2ND NARR.:

Poor Alice! It was as much as she could do, lying down on one side, to look into the garden with one eye. But to get through the little door was more hopeless than ever. She sat down and began to cry again.

ALICE:

(WEEPS EXTRAVAGANTLY -- WITH ECHO TO INDICATE LARGE SIZE)

SOUND:

SPLASH! OF GIANT TEAR DROPS ON FLOOR ... CONTINUES IN BG

ALICE:

(ECHO, TO HERSELF) You ought to be ashamed of yourself -- a great big girl like you--

1ST NARR.:

She might well say this.

ALICE:

(ECHO, TO HERSELF) --to go on crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you! (CONTINUES TO WEEP IN BG)

2ND NARR.:

But she went on just the same, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large puddle around her, about four inches deep and reaching halfway down the hall.

MUSIC:

AN ACCENT OF WEEPING AND SPLASHING ... THEN SEGUE TO HIPPETY-HOP

2ND NARR.:

After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance, and she hastily dried her eyes as the White Rabbit returned -- this time, splendidly dressed, with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other. He came trotting along in a great hurry, muttering to himself as he came.

RABBIT:

(APPROACHES) Oh! the Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! Won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!

ALICE:

(ECHO, CALLS) If you please, sir--!

RABBIT:

(STARTLED CRY) Oh! Oh, my ears and whiskers!

ALICE:

(ECHO, CALLS) Stop! You've dropped your gloves and your fan!

RABBIT:

(SCARED, MOVING OFF) Oh! Oh, my ears and whiskers! Oooh!

MUSIC:

IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

2ND NARR.:

And the White Rabbit was gone. Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she started to fan herself.

MUSIC:

TO FAN ONESELF BY ... HARP GLISSANDOS

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, ECHO SLOWLY FADES OUT AS SHE SHRINKS) Gracious! I must be growing small again. I am! Now, I'm only two feet high. I shall go out altogether! It must be the fan!

MUSIC:

TO DROP A FAN BY ... A FINAL HARP GLISSANDO

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Oh! That was a narrow escape! If I hadn't dropped that fan, it would have been the end of me. (LAUGHS HAPPILY) But, now, I'm small enough to get through the door!

MUSIC:

TINY ALICE RUNS TOWARD THE DOOR BUT FALLS INTO WATER

SOUND:

SPLASH! ... SLOSH OF WATER CONTINUES IN BG

1ST NARR.:

And Alice finds herself up to her chin in salt water, swimming around in the pool of the tears she had wept when she was nine feet high.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, WITH EFFORT) Oh, I wish I hadn't cried so much! I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.

MUSIC:

CREATURE APPROACHES LOUDLY, SPLASHING THROUGH WATER

SOUND:

SPLASHING IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, what a fearful racket! It must at least be a walrus or a - a hippopotamus. Oh, no. I've forgot how small I've grown. (GIGGLES) It's only a mouse!

MUSIC:

FOR A SCURRYING MOUSE

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) But it is bigger than I am. (CALLS) O Mouse, do you know the way out of this pool? I'm very tired of swimming about here! O Mouse!

MUSIC:

FOR A SCURRYING MOUSE

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Perhaps it doesn't understand English. I daresay it's a French mouse, come over with William the Conqueror. (CLEARS THROAT, ENUNCIATES) Oł - est - ma - chatte?

MUSIC:

HUGE ACCENT ... FOR A TERRIFIED MOUSE

SOUND:

MUCH SPLASHING BY TERRIFIED MOUSE ... OUT BEHIND--

1ST NARR.:

(LACONIC EXPLANATION) First sentence in Alice's French book. Translation: 'Where is my cat?' The Mouse doesn't like the reference in English or in French.

MUSIC:

FOR A QUIVERING MOUSE

ALICE:

Oh, I beg your pardon! I quite forgot you didn't like cats.

MOUSE:

Not like cats! Well, would you like cats if you were me?

ALICE:

Well, perhaps not. But I do wish I could show you our cat, Dinah. She's
such a capital one for catching mice.

MUSIC:

HUGE ACCENT ... FOR A TERRIFIED MOUSE

SOUND:

MUCH SPLASHING BY TERRIFIED MOUSE ... OUT BEHIND--

ALICE:

Oh, I do beg your pardon! We won't talk about her any more if you'd rather not.

MOUSE:

We indeed! As if I would talk on such a subject! Our family always hated cats -- nasty, low, vulgar things! Don't let me ever hear the name again!

ALICE:

I won't indeed! I promise.

MOUSE:

Well, very well, then. Let us go to the shore, and I'll tell you my - my - my history, and you'll understand why it is that I hate cats.

SOUND:

MUCH SPLASHING ... CONTINUES IN BG

2ND NARR.:

It was high time to go, for the pool was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it.

MUSIC:

FOR BIRDS AND ANIMALS FALLING INTO WATER

2ND NARR.:

There were a Duck and a Dodo, a Lory and an Eaglet, and several other curious creatures. Alice led the way, and the whole party swam ashore.

MUSIC:

TO SWIM ASHORE BY

1ST NARR.:

They are indeed a queer-looking party as they assemble on the bank -- the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur clinging closely to them, and all dripping wet, and cross, and uncomfortable.

MUSIC:

OUT

BIZ:

SQUAWKING BIRDS AND ANIMALS ... THEN IN BG

1ST NARR.:

The first question, of course, is how to get dry again, and an argument ensues, which the Dodo, who seems to be a person of some authority, finally ends.

MUSIC:

BRIEF THEME FOR DODO

DODO:

(SOLEMN AND SLOW) Quiet, all of you!

BIZ:

BIRDS AND ANIMALS GROW QUIET

DODO:

If you really want to get dry, then the, uh, best way is a - a Caucus-race.

MUSIC:

IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

ALICE:

What is a Caucus-race?

DODO:

Why, the - the only way to explain it is, uh, uh, to do it.

2ND NARR.:

And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Dodo managed it. First, it marked out a race-course, in sort of a circle--

1ST NARR.:

Though it said the exact shape didn't matter.

2ND NARR.:

And then everybody was placed along the course, here and there. There was no 'One, two, three, and away,' but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, the Dodo suddenly called out--

MUSIC:

ACCENTS THE END OF THE RACE

DODO:

The race is over!

MOUSE:

But who has won?

BIZ:

CONFUSED BIRDS AND ANIMALS MURMUR ('How are we to know?' et cetera) ... OUT BEHIND--

DODO:

Just a minute, just a minute. Let me think.

MUSIC:

OUT

DODO:

(PAUSE) Everybody has won, and all must have prizes.

MOUSE:

Prizes? But who is to give the prizes?

BIZ:

CONFUSED BIRDS AND ANIMALS MURMUR

DODO:

Why, she, of course.

ALICE:

Me?

DODO:

Yes, you.

BIZ:

HAPPY BIRDS AND ANIMALS SING AND CHANT ('Prizes! Prizes!' et cetera)

MUSIC:

TO ACCOMPANY THE HAPPY BIRDS AND ANIMALS ... THEN IN BG

2ND NARR.:

Alice had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out a box of candy--

1ST NARR.:

Lucky the salt water had not got into it.

2ND NARR.:

--and handed them around as prizes. There was exactly one a-piece all around.

MOUSE:

But she must have a prize herself, you know.

DODO:

Of course. (TO ALICE) What else have you got in your pocket, little girl?

ALICE:

Um, uh-- Oh! Only a thimble.

BIZ:

IMPRESSED BIRDS AND ANIMALS MURMUR WITH PLEASURE

DODO:

Hand it over here.

ALICE:

There.

DODO:

Thank you. (PAUSE) We beg your acceptance of this, uh, elegant thimble.

BIZ:

BIRDS AND ANIMALS CHEER

DODO:

And now, while we eat our prizes--

ALICE:

I can't eat mine. It's a thimble.

EAGLET:

(OFF) You're lucky!

MOUSE:

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Mine's too big! Help! Help! I'm choking!

DUCK:

Here, here, some of you. Pat his back! Pat his back!

MOUSE:

(SQUEAKY COUGH! SQUEAKY COUGH!) I thank you! (SQUEAKY COUGH! SQUEAKY COUGH!) I thank you! Oh! There! There, that's better.

LORY:

(SQUAWKS) I can't taste mine! It's too small.

ALICE:

I'm sorry! It's the best I could do!

BIZ:

PLACATED BIRDS AND ANIMALS MURMUR

ALICE:

O Mouse, you promised, you know--

MOUSE:

Promised? Promised what?

ALICE:

To tell me your history and why you hate-- You know what.

MOUSE:

(SINGS) O mine is a long and sad tale! Ah, woe is me!

ALICE:

I can see it's a long tail, O Mouse. But why is it sad?

MOUSE:

You insult me by talking such nonsense!

ALICE:

Oh, I really meant nothing! But you're so easily offended, you know!

MOUSE:

(MOVING OFF) I am afraid -- I am very much afraid -- that you are a waste of time!

ALICE:

Oh, please come back and tell us your story!

BIZ:

BIRDS AND ANIMALS MURMUR AGREEMENT

DUCK:

What a pity he wouldn't stay!

ALICE:

I wish our Dinah were here. She'd soon fetch it back!

DUCK:

And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question?

ALICE:

Dinah's our cat. And she's a capital one for catching mice. And, oh, I wish you could see her after the birds!

BIZ:

BIRDS AND ANIMALS PANIC

ALICE:

Why, she'd eat a little bird as soon as look at it! And--

MUSIC:

FOR THE BIRDS AND ANIMALS' HURRIED EXODUS

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, SADLY) Oh. I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah! Nobody seems to like her down here, and I'm sure she's the best cat in the world! Oh, my poor Dinah! I wonder if I shall ever see you any more! (WEEPS EXTRAVAGANTLY) There's no sort of use in crying about it. I shall never get out of here unless I set about growing to my right size again. But the great question is, how?

2ND NARR.:

Suddenly, Alice noticed a large mushroom growing near her, about the same height as herself; and on top of it, a large blue caterpillar was sitting with his arms folded, quietly smoking a long hookah. The Caterpillar took his languid time about noticing Alice.

MUSIC:

FOR A LANGUID, HOOKAH-SMOKING CATERPILLAR

CATERPILLAR:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) And, uh, who are you?

ALICE:

I, uh-- I hardly know, sir, just at present. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning.

CATERPILLAR:

What do you mean by that? Explain yourself!

ALICE:

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir, because I'm not-- I'm not myself. You see?

CATERPILLAR:

I don't see.

ALICE:

I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly, for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.

CATERPILLAR:

It isn't.

ALICE:

If you'd changed as much as I have to-day, you'd feel a little queer, too.

CATERPILLAR:

Not a bit.

ALICE:

Well, perhaps your feelings are different. But it feels very queer to me!

CATERPILLAR:

You! Well, who are you?

ALICE:

I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.

CATERPILLAR:

Why?

ALICE:

(MOVING OFF) Oh! I'm afraid we're not getting anywhere at all!

CATERPILLAR:

(CALLS) Come back here! I've something important to say!

ALICE:

(RETURNS) Well, what is it?

CATERPILLAR:

Keep your temper.

ALICE:

Is that all?

CATERPILLAR:

Yes! Good day to you, my dear.

ALICE:

But-- But--

CATERPILLAR:

(MOVING OFF) One side will make you grow taller. The other side will make you grow shorter.

ALICE:

(CALLS) One side of what? The other side of what?

CATERPILLAR:

(OFF) Of the mushroom!

MUSIC:

FOR A DEPARTING CATERPILLAR

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Now, how can he tell which are the two sides of the mushroom when it's perfectly round? (GETS AN IDEA) Oh! (WITH EFFORT) Maybe if I stretch my arms around as far as they can go, and break off a bit of the edge with each hand-- (GRUNT) There! And now -- which is which? I guess I'll try the right-hand piece first. (EATS 'SHROOM)

MUSIC:

TO SHRINK RAPIDLY BY

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, SUDDENLY SQUEAKY) Oh! I'm getting smaller so quick, my chin hit my foot! I have to eat some of the left-hand piece right away! (WITH EFFORT) It is so hard to get my mouth open! (GRUNTS) There! (EATS 'SHROOM)

MUSIC:

TO GROW RAPIDLY BY

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF, NO LONGER SQUEAKY) Come, my head's free at last!

2ND NARR.:

As she grew larger, she saw, across the top of the mushroom, a little house about four feet high.

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) I can never visit that lovely place if I grow to my full size so I'd better stop here.

1ST NARR.:

She is nibbling a little on the right-hand piece. Now, a quick nibble on the left-hand piece. She is now established at nine inches.

2ND NARR.:

As she approached the house, a Fish, dressed in a footman's livery came running out of the woods and rapped loudly on the door. It was opened by another footman in livery, who was really a Frog. Alice crept behind a bush to listen as the Fish-Footman presented a great letter nearly as large as himself.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INVITATION FROM THE QUEEN

FISH:

For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.

FROG:

From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.

2ND NARR.:

They both bowed, and the curls of their white wigs got entangled together.

ALICE:

(SUPPRESSES A GIGGLE IN THE BG)

2ND NARR.:

Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the woods for fear of their hearing her; and when she peeped out, the Fish-Footman was gone, and the Frog-Footman was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up to the sky. Alice went up to the door and knocked.

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DOOR ... HOWLING BABY, LOUD SNEEZES, AND THE OCCASIONAL CRASH OF BROKEN DISHES, OFF, IN BG

FROG:

There's no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; and second, because they're making so much a noise inside that no one could possibly hear you.

ALICE:

Please, then -- how am I to get in?

FROG:

There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I might let you out, you know.

ALICE:

But how am I to get in?

FROG:

I shall sit here till tomorrow. Or the next day, maybe.

ALICE:

(INSISTENT) How am I to get in?!

FROG:

Are you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know.

ALICE:

It's really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!

FROG:

I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.

ALICE:

But what have I to do?

FROG:

Anything you like.

ALICE:

Then I'll go in anyway!

MUSIC:

FOR ALICE'S ENTRANCE AND TO SET THE SCENE

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... HOWLING BABY, LOUD SNEEZES, AND THE OCCASIONAL CRASH OF BROKEN DISHES, GROW LOUDER ... CONTINUES IN BG

1ST NARR.:

The door leads into a large kitchen. It is full of smoke. The Duchess is sitting on a three-legged stool, nursing a baby. The Cook is stirring a large cauldron of soup, and she throws pepper into it by the shakerful.

MUSIC:

OUT

1ST NARR.:

A large cat is lying on the hearth, grinning from ear to ear. He doesn't sneeze. Neither does the Cook. But everyone else does.

DUCHESS:

(EXTRA LOUD SNEEZE)

ALICE:

Please, would you tell me why your cat grins like that?

DUCHESS:

It's a Cheshire cat, and that's why. Pig!

ALICE:

Were you speaking to me?

DUCHESS:

No! I was speaking to this brat!

ALICE:

Oh.

SOUND:

CLANG! BANG! SMASH! AS THE COOK THROWS POTS AND PANS

COOK:

Take that! And that! And that!

ALICE:

Oh, be careful! What are you throwing the pots and pans at the baby for?!

DUCHESS:

That happens every afternoon at four o'clock.

ALICE:

Oh, please mind what you're throwing, Cook! Be careful! Don't! (SCREAMS) Oh, there goes his precious little nose!

MUSIC:

TO ACCOMPANY THE RECITATION ... CONTINUES IN BG

DUCHESS:

(CACKLES MADLY, THEN RECITES)
Speak roughly to your little boy, (Ah-choo!)
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy, (Ah-choo!)
Because he knows it teases.
(COOK AND BABY JOIN IN) Wow! wow! wow!

BABY:

(HOWLS, CONTINUES IN BG)

DUCHESS:

(TO ALICE) Here! You may nurse it a bit, if you like! CATCH!

BABY:

(REALLY HOWLS AS IT IS FLUNG, THEN CONTINUES IN BG)

ALICE:

(STARTLED) Oh! (CATCHES THE BABY) Please! I nearly dropped it!

DUCHESS:

I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen!

COOK:

Take that, you toad!

SOUND:

CLANG! FRYING PAN THROWN

COOK:

(DISSAPOINTED) Missed her again!

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) If I don't take this child away with me, they're sure to kill it in a day or two. It would really be committing murder to leave it behind.

BABY:

(HOWLING BEGINS TO SOUND MORE LIKE SQUEALING)

ALICE:

Oh, don't squeal, my dear. That's not at all the proper way of expressing yourself.

BABY:

(SQUEALING BEGINS TO SOUND MORE LIKE GRUNTING)

ALICE:

If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear, I'll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now! (TO HERSELF) Now, what am I going to do when I get this creature home?

BABY:

(VIOLENT SQUEALS AND GRUNTS)

ALICE:

I guess there'll be no taking you home! You'll be happier out there in the woods. Run on!

SOUND:

BABY-PIG HURRIES OFF

BABY:

(SQUEALS AND GRUNTS FADE OUT)

MUSIC:

FOR A DEPARTING BABY-TURNED-PIG

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) If it had grown up, it would have made a dreadfully ugly child. But it makes rather a handsome pig, I think.

2ND NARR.:

And she began thinking over other children she knew who might do very well as pigs, when she was a little startled to see the Cheshire Cat sitting in the bough of a tree a few yards off.

MUSIC:

FOR A GRINNING CAT IN A TREE

ALICE:

Hello, Cheshire Puss.

CAT:

(THROATY MEOW)

ALICE:

Would you please tell me which way I ought to go from here?

CAT:

That depends a good deal upon where you want to get to.

ALICE:

I don't care where.

CAT:

Oh. Then it doesn't matter which way you go.

ALICE:

What sort of people live 'round here?

CAT:

That direction, lives a Hatter; that direction, lives a March Hare. Visit either. Both are mad.

ALICE:

But I don't want to go among mad people.

CAT:

Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.

ALICE:

How do you know I'm mad?

CAT:

You must be, or you wouldn't have come here. Do you play croquet with the Queen to-day?

ALICE:

I should like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet.

CAT:

You'll see me there. (FADES OUT WITH A MEOW)

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) Well! He's disappeared into thin air! (BEAT) No. Here he comes back.

CAT:

(FADES IN WITH A MEOW) By-the-bye, what became of the baby? I nearly forgot to ask.

ALICE:

It turned into a pig.

CAT:

I always thought it would. (FADES OUT WITH A MEOW)

ALICE:

(TO HERSELF) I wonder if he's disappeared for good now. Well, who shall I go to visit? I've seen hatters before, so I imagine the March Hare will be the most interesting, and since this is May, it won't be raving mad -- at least not so mad as it was in March.

CAT:

(FADES IN WITH A MEOW) Did you say pig, or fig?

ALICE:

I said pig!

CAT:

All right. (FADES OUT WITH A MEOW)

2ND NARR.:

This time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

MUSIC:

FADES OUT, RATHER LIKE THE CAT

ANNOUNCER:

(AFTER A PAUSE) So ends the first half of the Columbia Workshop dramatization of "Alice in Wonderland."

MUSIC:

A JAUNTY CLOSING THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Next Sunday at this same time, the Workshop will present the second half of this immortal classic -- Alice's visit to the mad tea party; the Queen's croquet game; the Mock Turtle's story; the Lobster Quadrille; and the exciting climax when all Wonderland attends the trial to determine who stole the tarts!

The Columbia Workshop radio version of "Alice in Wonderland" has been adapted and directed by William N. Robson. Paul Sterrett and Leith Stevens wrote the original musical score, and Mr. Stevens conducted the orchestra. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

TO A GENTLE FINISH