Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Our Miss Brooks
Show: Hallowe'en Party
Date: Oct 30 1949

Announcer:

Our Miss Brooks!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MFX:

THEME MUSIC UP THEN UNDER

Announcer:

It's time once again for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks, written by Al Lewis.

MFX:

THEME OUT

Announcer:

Well, many of us find it extremely difficult to get up early every morning. But our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, has been doing it for years....

Miss Brooks:

Yes, and I've learned one thing about early rising that's helped me immeasurably: Once I jump out of bed, close the window and do my sitting up exercises, there's only one more thing I want to do - and that's to get right back in bed again. (pause if laugh) Last Friday morning though, I was up and almost dressed by the time my landlady knocked on the door.

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mrs. Davis:

(off mic) Time to get up, Connie!

Miss Brooks:

I AM up, Mrs. Davis! C'mon in.

SFX:

DOOR OPEN

Miss Brooks:

I'm trying to get to school early so I can chat with mister Boynton for a few minutes before our first class.

Mrs. Davis:

Is Mister Boynton still as unapproachable as ever, Connie?

Miss Brooks:

(sighs) I guess so, Mrs. Davis. But you know something? During this past week I've gotten closer to him than ever before.

Mrs. Davis:

(a bit surprised) Really, dear? How did you do that?

Miss Brooks:

I've been wearing my sneakers to school (pause if laugh) I hope I've got time for breakfast before Walter Denton comes to pick me up. There's something he wants to talk to me about before school starts.

Mrs. Davis:

Well, he can talk to you at breakfast, Connie. My goodness! You've got to keep your strength up some way. We both know you don't get enough sleep.

Miss Brooks:

Well, I didn't last night. Minerva slept in here with me, and she was VERY restless.

Mrs. Davis:

I don't know what's the matter with that cat lately. Between you and me, Connie, I think she's got something.

Miss Brooks:

Between you and me, I think she's got SEVERAL! (pause if laugh)

Mrs. Davis:

Maybe it's a mistake to let her get so friendly with the Collie next door. They play together all the time, you know.

Miss Brooks:

Oh! So that's the source! Uh huh. Minerva had me up half the night with her pounding.

Mrs. Davis:

That's just her tail beating on the floor while she's hunting.

Miss Brooks:

Well, I don't mind her tail thumping so much, but every time she catches something with one paw, she APPLAUDS with the other three! (pause if laugh)

Mrs. Davis:

Suppose we join Minerva in the breakfast nook. I've just given her some milk.

SFX:

TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS WALKING TO OTHER ROOM UNDER FOLLOWING

Miss Brooks:

Fine, I'll have a saucer full, too!

Mrs. Davis:

Sit right down, dear, I'll boil you a couple of eggs...

Miss Brooks:

(interrupting) Just one egg will be plenty, Mrs. Davis.

Mrs. Davis:

Well OK, I --

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

Mrs. Davis:

Oh, that must be Walter Denton now.

Miss Brooks:

Just SIX eggs will be plenty, Mrs. Davis (pause if laugh) The door isn't locked. (calling) Come in, Walter!

SFX:

DOOR OPEN

Walter:

Oh, hiya, Miss Brooks! Mrs. Davis!

Miss Brooks:

Hello, Walter.

Mrs. Davis:

How do you want your eggs, Walter?

Walter:

Quickly, please! (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

Haven't you had breakfast yet?

Walter:

Oh sure! But it's seven thirty almost! And we eat an awful early breakfast at my place.

Miss Brooks:

HOW early?

Walter:

Quarter to seven. (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

(cynically) I don't know how you're still standing up!

Mrs. Davis:

I'll go whip up an omelet for all of us.

Walter:

Miss Brooks, I'd like to ask you about something.

Miss Brooks:

What's that, Walter?

Walter:

Well, as you know, Hallowe'en is usually celebrated tomorrow night, Saturday. But Harriet Conklin is going up to her folks' bungalow at Crystal Lake for the weekend. So we wondered if it would be all right with you if we celebrated the holiday tonight?

Miss Brooks:

Why come to me? Shouldn't you contact the 'goblins union'?

Walter:

We wanted to sorta have a little party. Ya know? Harriet, and my pal Stretch Snodgrass and I (pause) and..err.. we were planning on inviting you, too!

Miss Brooks:

Oh? Where were you planning on holding this party, Walter?

Walter:

At YOUR place. (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

How NICE of you to invite me along! But I'm afraid we couldn't have any Hallowe'en party here, Walter. After all, I don't own this cottage. I just rent a room from Mrs. Davis.

Walter:

(enthusiastic) OH! We've already got HER permission! She's going to the movies tonight! Harriet asked her on the phone yesterday. It's just up to you, Miss Brooks.

Miss Brooks:

Well, I'm afraid I'm not interested in Hallowe'en parties, Walter. I've got quite a bit of work to catch up on, and tonight looks like an ideal time to do it. Sorry! But you'll have to hold your party some place else.

Walter:

( a little let down) Gee, Miss Brooks, Harriet and Stretch will be awfully disappointed (pause) and so will Mister Boynton.

Miss Brooks:

Mister Boynton?

Walter:

Yeah. I was talkin' to him yesterday, and he was sayin' what swell fun he always thought Hallowe'en was when he was a kid. And we invited him to the party, too. And he accepted. (pause) Now there's no place to have the party.

Miss Brooks:

What's wrong with having the party RIGHT HERE? (pause if laugh)

MFX:

TRANSITION

SFX:

TELEPHONE OFF HOOK

Osgood:

(sternly as if answering phone) Hello? Principal's Office. Osgood Conklin HIMSELF speaking. (pause if laugh)

Martha:

(on phone) Hello, Osgood! It's me, (pause) Martha (pause)

Osgood:

(annoyed) We've been married 18 years, woman! I KNOW your name! (pause for laugh)

Martha:

(slightly hurt) DO try not to be so testy! Do you realize you left home this morning without EVEN saying goodbye?

Osgood:

Well, that's easily remedied! GOOD BYE! (pause if laugh)

Martha:

Wait, Osgood! I just called to remind you about your doctor's appointment this morning. He said he wanted to see you before we go to Crystal Lake tomorrow.

Osgood:

(still annoyed) I am well aware of that fact! I've had plenty of time to think about it during the sleepless hours I spent listening to YOUR dog thumping his tail at the foot of our bed all night!

Martha:

But Prince was SO lonesome, dear! After all, we've got each other! He's ALL alone...

Osgood:

(mad) Well, he WASN'T along last night! (pause if laugh) I've never heard such scratching in all of my born days! What's he got, anyway?

Martha:

(surprised) Well, he can't possibly have ANYTHING, dear. You know he doesn't play with other dogs. (pause) (insistent) In fact, he would have died of loneliness last week if I hadn't taken him over to Mrs. Davis's to play with her cat, Minerva.

Osgood:

Well, you've got to keep him away from me! My blood pressure is higher than it's been in years. to make my morning complete, when I bent down to tie my shoe laces. my glasses fell off!

Martha:

(sympathetic) Did they break?

Osgood:

Not until I straightened up and STEPPED on them! (pause for laugh)

Martha:

Well, in a couple of days we'll be at Crystal Lake. That'll make a new man out of you! (pause) Now go down to the doctor's and get a nice sedative to take with you.

Osgood:

Very well, Martha. It's a good thing I have an extra pair of glasses with me, or I couldn't find my way to the door!

Martha:

(insisting) Now whatever you do, Osgood, DON'T break THOSE!

Osgood:

(very calmly) Thank you, my dear. I think that's sterling advice. (pause if laugh) Goodbye!

SFX:

PHONE HANG UP

Osgood:

(to himself) Oh, it's later than I thought. I'd better hurry.

SFX:

MAN'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR

SFX:

DOOR OPEN

Miss Brooks:

(off mic) ...so you see, Walter, we all meet in the cafeteria at lunchtime (coming to mic) We can make the plans to... OOOOH! (as she bumps into Mr. Conklin)

Osgood:

(surprised mumble at same time)

SFX:

SOMETHING HITTING FLOOR

Osgood:

(long pause before speaking) (slowly) Miss Brooks, I presume?

Miss Brooks:

(slightly embarrassed) Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mister Conklin. I didn't see you coming. (pause) (distressed) Oh, dear! I seem to have broken your glasses! Do you have another pair? (pause if laugh)

Osgood:

No, Miss Brooks, I haven't. (pause if laugh) But perhaps I could get you a long stick, (voice rising) and let you SMASH THE WINDOWS (screaming) IN MY OFFICE! (pause if laugh)

Walter:

(coming up) You seem to be in quite a hurry, Mister Conklin. Could I maybe take you somewhere?

Osgood:

(very quietly and slowly) WHO is speaking? (pause if laugh)

Walter:

It's ME, Walter Denton! Your daughter, Harriet's 'dream boat'. (pause if laugh)

Osgood:

(incredulous) My daughter Harriet's drrrrr yuk! (pause) I'll talk to you later, Miss Brooks. Denton! Pick up that shattered glass!

Walter:

Yes, sir! And what should I do with it, Mister Conklin?

Osgood:

(off mic and screaming) EAT IT, YOU LAME-BRAINED DUNCE! (pause for laugh)

Walter:

Hey! Mister Conklin's sure in a bad mood today! He looks pretty purple, doesn't he?

Miss Brooks:

Even for him! (pause) He certainly is excitable.

Harriet:

(coming up to mic) Hi, Walter! Oh, hello, Miss Brooks!

Walter:

(excited) HI!

Miss Brooks:

Hello, Harriet.

Harriet:

Did you run into daddy yet this morning?

Miss Brooks:

(wisecracking) It's in the hands of the insurance company now. (pause if laugh)

Walter:

His temper's pretty miserable today.

Harriet:

Yes, I know. (sympathetic) Poor daddy! He's been depressed all week long. I don't know what it is! We all try to please him....

Miss Brooks:

(interrupting) What he needs is some recreation and diversion. (pause) Say! I have an idea!

Walter:

What is it, Miss Brooks?

Miss Brooks:

Well, instead of my place tonight, why don't we have our Hallowe'en party at your house, Harriet? That way we could surprise your father, and cheer him up a little bit. (pause if laugh)

Harriet:

(excited) WONDERFUL!

Walter:

(admiringly) Miss Brooks! You've done it again!

MFX:

BRIDGE

Miss Brooks:

(narrating) Anxious as I was to get back into Mister Conklin's good graces, I determined to make the Hallowe'en party Friday night a roaring success. (pause) I had asked the kids to meet me in the school cafeteria at lunchtime, and the first one to show up was Madison's star athlete, Stretch Snodgrass. Although a whiz on the football field, Stretch's outstanding scholastic achievement occurred during a test last week, when he spelled his name correctly. (pause if laugh) I was having a cup of coffee when he approached my table.

SFX:

INCREASED BACKGROUND CAFETERIA SOUND

Stretch:

Here I am, Miss Brooks. Mind if I sit down?

Miss Brooks:

Not at all, Stretch. But wouldn't you like to bring some food over before we discuss the party?

Stretch:

Oh, no, ma'am. I already 'et'.

Miss Brooks:

PLEASE, Stretch, I've already EATEN.

Stretch:

(clueless) Oh, good! Then we can get right down to business! (pause for laugh) Walter said he thought we all ought to masquerade as something tonight.

Miss Brooks:

That's a fine idea, Stretch. You could come as a student... (pause if laugh)

Stretch:

I got my outfit all set, Miss Brooks. I got some chaps, and spurs and two six-shooters that shoot real blanks! I'm comin' as Hopalong Cassidy! That is, if nobody minds.

Miss Brooks:

Why should anybody mind? Unless Roy Rogers shows up.

Stretch:

What are you gonna masquerade as, Miss Brooks?

Miss Brooks:

Oh, I haven't made up my mind yet, Stretch. Of course, every good Hallowe'en party should have a witch. (pause as if thinking) YES! I might come as a witch!

Stretch:

(pleased) PERFECT! (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

Don't sound so enthusiastic! It's pretty short notice to get a costume made, and I....

Stretch:

(interrupting) Why go to all that trouble? Why don't you just wear what you got on? (pause for laugh)

Miss Brooks:

Big as he is, I'll HAVE to slug him! Now look, Stretch, I...

Walter:

(coming up and interrupting) Hiya Miss Brooks, Stretch! Well, things are sure shaping up! Look at these swell noise makers I bought this morning!

SFX:

NOISE MAKER

Stretch:

When did you find time to get all this junk, Walter?

Walter:

I sneaked out of one of my morning classes!

Miss Brooks:

(surprised) WALTER! You didn't!

Walter:

Well, it was important, Miss Brooks! Besides, there's no harm done. Nobody even noticed I was gone.

Miss Brooks:

(annoyed) That's what I like: a nice observant teacher!

Walter:

Oh! It wasn't the teacher's fault! You were facing the blackboard at the time! (pause for laugh) Look at this horn! It's got a siren in the mouthpiece! Listen!

SFX:

SIREN WHISTLE

Miss Brooks:

PLEASE!!! WALTER!! (less loudly) You're in the cafeteria!

Walter:

So what?

Miss Brooks:

One more blast like that and the beef stew will pull over to the right! (pause if laugh) Now tell me, how are you going to the masquerade?

Walter:

(excited) I got a terrific idea, Miss Brooks! I'm just gonna put on an old sheet. Ya think Mister Conklin will get a kick outta me as a ghost?

Miss Brooks:

If he thought it was on the level, it would add 10 years to his life! (pause if laugh)

Walter:

What are you coming as, Miss Brooks?

Miss Brooks:

Oh, I haven't quite decided yet. Any suggestions?

Walter:

Oh, just one. I don't want you to think I'm being fresh or anything, but this IS gonna be a Hallowe'en party and (pause) ahh, well, I'd be glad to furnish you with a broom! (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

I guess I'm a natural for it.

Stretch:

Hey! Look who's comin' over.

Walter:

Oh, it's Mister Boynton! (pause) Hello, Mister Boynton.

Boynton:

Hello, Walter.

Stretch:

Hello, Mister Boynton.

Boynton:

Hello, Stretch, hello, Miss Brooks.

Miss Brooks:

(sweetly) Hello, Mister Boynton! Goodbye, Walter, goodbye Stretch. (pause if laugh)

Stretch:

(confused) We ain't goin' nowhere!

Walter:

(chastising) STRETCH! Don't you know the old expression 'two's company, three's a crowd'?

Stretch:

Why, sure I do! But there's FOUR of us! (pause)

Walter:

Come on, Stretch. We gotta help Harriet figure out a costume for tonight. (pause) See ya later, folks!

Stretch:

(off mic) Yeah, see ya later!

Boynton:

OK, so long, boys. (pause) Well, Miss Brooks, I think it's a SPLENDID idea you're giving this little surprise party for our principal tonight! It should do him a world of good!

Miss Brooks:

It should do US a world of good too if he brightens up a bit. What kind of an outfit do you think you'll wear, Mister Boynton?

Boynton:

(chuckles) I've got a skeleton costume at home I used to have quite a bit of fun with in my college days. It's just a black tight-fitting garment with a bunch of bones hanging on it.

Miss Brooks:

(amazed) Bones?

Boynton:

Yes. They're treated with a phosphorescent paint that makes them glow in the dark. It's quite a starting effect! The more so since I gathered the bones when I was an anatomy student.

Miss Brooks:

From anyone I know? (pause if laugh)

Boynton:

I don't mean to dwell on it, Miss Brooks, but I find bones are a rather fascinating subject, don't you?

Miss Brooks:

That depend on what they're wrapped up in! (pause if laugh)

Boynton:

How are you masquerading tonight?

Miss Brooks:

Oh, I don't know. If you're coming as a skeleton, maybe I'll come as a bottle of vitamins (chuckles) I'm really a little stumped, Mister Boynton. What do you think I should be?

Boynton:

Well, the two most popular figures associated with Hallowe'en are a black cat and a witch...

Miss Brooks:

(interrupting) And I'm much too tall for a cat. (pause if laugh) (calling) Walter! Oh, Walter!

Walter:

(way off mic) Yes, Miss Brooks?

Miss Brooks:

(demanding) Get a lube job on that broom, boy! Constance Brooks rides tonight!

MFX:

LONG TRANSITION

Osgood:

(frazzled) I'm glad we're going away in the morning, Martha. Doctor Benson told me I am very close to the breaking point.

Martha:

(sympathetically) Yes, dear. (pause) Of course, Osgood...

Osgood:

(interrupting) D-d-d-don't shout so. (pause if laugh) He said some of my trouble was caused by my blood pressure, but that part of it was due to an overactive imagination. He wants me to be calm...relax more. (feeble chuckle) I'd like to see HIM relax with that recurring dream I have.

Martha:

You mean the one where the ghost visits you at night? (pause if laugh)

Osgood:

Yes. (pause) Only the last couple of times, it's gotten worse. Instead of a plain ghost, I've been getting one with Walter Denton's head on it. (pause if laugh)

Martha:

(somewhat annoyed) Really, Osgood! I just don't know what you've got against that poor boy! (pause) Harriet's VERY fond of him.

Osgood:

(sternly) The SHE should see a doctor TOO! (pause for laugh) Where is she, Martha?

Martha:

Well, she's in her room, dear---getting dressed. She said something about a party tonight.

Osgood:

PARTY. That's all kids nowadays think about! Well, there won't be any parties at Crystal Lake. There won't be any nightmares, either. (pause) Why, Martha, do you realize that while I was sitting in the doctor's office today I saw a bulldog by his desk?

Martha:

(amazed) A bulldog?

Osgood:

It was the shadow of his umbrella stand. I almost jumped out of my skin before he explained it.

Martha:

Oh, things like that happen to people every day, Osgood!

Osgood:

(fiercely) Not to ME they don't! At least they'd better NOT! How do you think the board of education would like it if they thought one of their principals went around seeing bulldogs?

Martha:

Just don't mention to anyone, darling! (pause) Now, I'm going to get a glass of warm milk. And you stay right comfy in your chair until I get back.

Osgood:

(sighs) Very well....(long pause) (then as if talking to himself) Yes.....that thing LOOKED like a bulldog (pause) Marth's right, though. I'd better not mention it to a soul.

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

Osgood:

(annoyed) Now who in the world can THAT be? (pause) Coming!

SFX:

MAN'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR.

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Miss Brooks:

(cheerfully) Good evening, Mister Conklin. May I come in?

Osgood:

(softly) There's NO tactful way I can refuse you admission (pause if laugh) Come in, Miss Brooks.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSE

Miss Brooks:

Have the others arrived yet?

Osgood:

(confused) Others? What others?

Miss Brooks:

(coyly) You'll see when they get here. Is Harriet at home?

Osgood:

Yes, yes. She's putting on her party dress.

Miss Brooks:

(slightly surprised) Oh! Then you KNOW about it! It should do you a lot of good, Mister Conklin. There's nothing like a houseful of people to get your mind off yourself!

Osgood:

A...a houseful of people? Miss Brooks, is this party to be given in THIS house?

Miss Brooks:

Of course!

Osgood:

(quite calm) I see. Then if you'll excuse me, I'll just take my hat and coat, and beat an orderly retreat.

Miss Brooks:

(protesting) But Mister Conklin......

Osgood:

(interrupting quietly) My doctor has forbidden ANY excitement, whatsoever.

Miss Brooks:

Your doctor? This is a fine time to tell me. I mean, I didn't know you were in such bad shape, Mister Conklin.

Osgood:

(still calm) I am on the verge of a nervous collapse, Miss Brooks. But I don't want to spoil everybody's fun. I'll just leave quietly.

Miss Brooks:

Leave? But Mister Conklin, where will you go?

Osgood:

(feeling sorry for himself) What's the difference where I go? I'll just wonder around the park like a homeless gypsy. (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

You can't do that! You wouldn't look good in earrings (pause if laugh) You are NOT a well man, Mister Conklin. Look! Mrs. Davis is going to the movies tonight. Now why don't you let me drive you over to our place, until I can eliminate the hoard of pests...err GUESTS who are coming here. You'll love it over there, Mister Conklin. You'll be able to relax completely.

Osgood:

(appreciative) If it will stave off my breakdown, Miss Brooks, it's the least I can do for my family.

MFX:

TRANSITION

Mrs. Davis:

Miss Brooks left right after dinner tonight, Mr. Boynton. I guess she forgot to buy a few items for the party tonight. I'm sure she'll be right back.

Boynton:

Fine!

Walter:

Swell! This way our surprise will work out even better!

Mrs. Davis:

Surprise?

Stretch:

Yes, ma'am! We thought we'd try out some of our Hallowe'en tricks on Miss Brooks before we go over to Mister Conklin's house!

Mrs. Davis Oh, that's a WONDERFUL idea!

Walter:

I hope I didn't scare you in my ghost outfit!

Mrs. Davis:

No. I thought you were the laundry man. (pause if laugh)

SFX:

BONES RATTLING

Boynton:

How do you like my costume, Mrs. Davis?

Mrs. Davis:

MY! You've lost weight, haven't you? (pause if laugh)

Boynton:

This is a skeleton suit in honor of Hallowe'en.

Mrs. Davis:

Well, isn't it terrifying! (pause) And who's this cowboy with you?

Stretch:

I'm Hopalong Cassidy, Mrs. Davis! But I'm really Stretch Snodgrass.

Mrs. Davis:

Well, I'd never have known. (pause) Now, if you'll all go into the house, I'm sure Miss Brooks will be DELIGHTED to see you! (pause) I've got to get down to the theater now.

Boynton:

Oh, what movie are you seeing tonight, Mrs. Davis?

Mrs. Davis:

Jolson Sings Again, again. (pause if laugh)

Walter:

(confused) Again, again?

Mrs. Davis:

(chuckles) I saw it last week, also. (pause) Have a nice time, children!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSE

Stretch:

What should I do with this bucket of water we're ducking for apples in, Walter?

Walter:

Oh, just put it down by the piano, Stretch. Now, I'll tell you what we'll do. Before Miss Brooks comes back, let's all hide somewhere so we can REALLY surprise her!

Boynton:

Good idea, Walter! Now why don't you get behind that couch, Stretch, you hide behind the kitchen door, and I'll get into the hall closet.

Walter:

Great! and we'll all come out when I blow this whistle.

SFX:

SIREN WHISTLE

Walter:

OK?

Stretch:

Gotcha, Walter! (pause) Hey, look! Out the window! Miss Brooks is comin' up the walk, and she's got Mister Conklin with her!

Boynton:

Mister Conklin? Oh, she probably wanted to get him out of the way while we were getting things ready at his place!

Walter:

(VERY excited) SO MUCH THE BETTER! We'll surprise BOTH of them at the same time! (pause for laugh) Now first, I'll put the lights out (pause) QUICK! let's get out of sight!

SFX:

THREE SETS OF VERY QUICK FOOTSTEPS (then pause)

SFX:

RATTLE OF KEY IN DOOR THEN OPEN

Miss Brooks:

Well, here we are, Mister Conklin. I guess Mrs. Davis has left for the movies. The lights are all out.

Osgood:

(quietly) Well, it DOES seem quite deserted in here.

Miss Brook:

I'll turn on this hall light so you can see to hang your things up in the closet. (pause) (off mic) I'll turn some lights on in the living room while you put your hat and coat away.

SFX:

WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY

Osgood:

(appreciately) Thank you, Miss Brooks.

SFX:

CLOSET DOOR OPEN

SFX:

BONES RATTLING

Osgood:

(SCREAMING) WHAT!!!!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

Osgood:

(very excited) Miss Brooks! Miss Brooks!

Miss Brooks:

(coming up to mic) What is it, Mister Conklin? What's the trouble?

Osgood:

(gasping for air) YOUR CLOSET! IN THE HALL! WHAT DO YOU KEEP IN THERE? (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

Just my coat, Mister Conklin.

Osgood:

(calming down) I see...I see. (pause) Tell me, Miss Brooks, is it a long black coat with luminous bones? (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

LUMINOUS BONES? (pause) (then she remembers) Oh, NO! Please wait right here Mister Conklin, I'll investigate.

SFX:

WOMAN'S QUICK FOOTSTEPS TO CLOSET

SFX:

DOOR OPEN

SFX:

BONES RATTLING

Boynton:

(chuckling) It's me, Miss Brooks! You should have seen Mister Conklin's face when he......

Miss Brooks:

(interrupting and whispering) Get behind those other coats IMMEDIATELY, Mister Boynton!

Boynton:

But, Miss Brooks....

Miss Brooks:

(interrupting and still whispering) I can't explain now, but don't you DARE come out of there until you get a signal!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

SFX:

WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS COMING BACK

Osgood:

(still slightly scared) Well, Miss Brooks? What did you see?

Miss Brooks:

See? I didn't see anything, Mister Conklin. It must have been your imagination!

Osgood:

(LONG pause) (disbelief) M..m..my imagination? Then the doctor was right. (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

What's that, Mister Conklin?

Osgood:

I'd..I'd rather not talk about it, Miss Brooks. If I could just lie down somewhere...

Miss Brooks:

Oh, of course, Mister Conklin. Just stretch out on this couch. I'll go get another cushion for you.

Osgood:

All right. (pause) (noise as if he is stretching) Ahhh! That's better!

Walter:

(makes ghost like 'whoooooooooooo' abt. 3 sec long) (pause if laugh)

Osgood:

(pause to let 'whooo' stop, then calmly) I must be QUITE a sick man. (pause if laugh)

Walter:

(again makes ghost likw 'whooo' but longer and louder) (pause if laugh)

Osgood:

(still calm) If I weren't sick, I wouldn't be moaning like this. (pause for laugh)

Walter:

(again makes ghost like 'whooo' loudly for several seconds, but this time Osgood talks just after Walter starts

Osgood:

(still calm) On the other hand, it's better than trying..... (pause) WHAT AM I SAYING? (a bit more excited) I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S MOANING! (pause for laugh)

Walter:

(stops ghost like sounds) (then in a spooky voice) I've returrrrrrrrned! I've come backkkkkkk!

Osgood:

(slightly mad) WHO'S THAT? WHERE ARE YOU?

Walter:

(still in spooky voice) Look behind youuuuuuuuu! Behind the couchhhhhhhh!

Osgood:

(confused) Behind the cou... (pause as if he's looking) (SCREAMING) OHHHHHH! NOOOOO!!! (pause for laugh)

Miss Brooks:

(coming up to mic and excited) Mister Conklin! Are you all right? WHAT happened?

Osgood:

(gasping for air) Mi...Miss Brooks... HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ASLEEP?

Miss Brooks:

Asleep?

Osgood:

(still gasping) Yeah!

Miss Brooks:

You just hit the couch, Mister Conklin! (pause if laugh) Which reminds me. Maybe you'd better see a good psychiatrist. This screaming of your can lead to something dangerous.

Osgood:

Ju..just do me a favor, Miss Brooks. Look behind that couch.

Miss Brooks:

Certainly, sir if it'll make you feel any better. But I assure you there's absolutely nothing behind this coOOOOOUCH! (voice rises on the word couch as she sees Walter) (pause for laugh) Ahhh.. I'm sorry if I startled you, Mister Conklin, but my cat, Minerva's back here.

Osgood:

(in disbelief) WITH A SHEET? (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

She was making her bed. (pause if laugh) Stay out of sight, Minerva! That's a good boy...ERR girl!

Osgood:

(exasperated) If you don't mind, Miss Brooks, I'd like to take a couple of pills my doctor prescribed. May I have some water, please?

Miss Brooks:

Certainly, sir (pause) If you've got an EXTRA pill or two, I'll be happy to join you. (pause if laugh) Wait right here, Mister Conklin, I'll go into the kitchen and get some water. No, on second thought, you'd better come with me. I don't want you to get nervous again.

Osgood:

Yes, yes I think you're right, Miss Brooks. Doesn't do for me to be alone lately.

SFX:

MAN'S AND WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS

SFX:

DOOR OPEN

Miss Brooks:

Now, where is that light?

Stretch:

Well dog my cats, if it ain't roundup time!

SFX:

2 GUNSHOTS (pause if laugh)

Osgood:

(VERY quietly) What was that? (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

What was WHAT? (pause for laugh)

Osgood:

(disbelief) Miss Brooks! Do you mean to tell me I've actually taken leave of my senses?

Miss Brooks:

Well, it wasn't a real LEAVE, Mister Conklin. You're just on a weekend pass! (pause if laugh) Oh, lots of people get temporary hallucinations. Maybe we'd better go back to your house.

Osgood:

Yes...at a time like this, I suppose I SHOULD be near my (slight pause) loved ones.

SFX:

SIREN WHISTLE

Walter:

(very excited) HAPPY HALLOWE'EN, MISTER CONKLIN! Look! It's ME!!

Osgood:

(flummoxed) DENTON!? (getting a bit mad) When did you...........HOW did you.......

SFX:

BONES RATTLING

Osgood:

WHAT'S THIS?

Miss Brooks:

It's just my coat coming over (pause if laugh)

Boynton:

It's ME, Mister Conklin! I'm a skeleton, see?

Stretch:

Look at me, Mister Conklin! I'm Hopalong Cassidy, and I'll plug the first hombre that makes a move....

Osgood:

(loudly) SNODGRASS! I'll...

SFX:

GUN SHOT

Osgood:

(SCREAMING) OHHHHHH! STOP THAT!!!!! (pause for laugh) (calmer) Uh... I MUST control myself.

Boynton:

What's wrong, Mister Conklin? You don't seem to be enjoying yourself.

Walter:

Yeah! You act all jumpy and funny! Gosh! Miss Brooks went to a lot of trouble to get this thing organized!

Miss Brooks:

Walter, please!

Osgood:

Ohhh! Miss Brooks organized it, did she?

Stretch:

Sure! She planned the whole thing!

Boynton:

She deserves every bit of credit!

Osgood:

(sternly) Well, she's CERTAINLY going to get it! Miss Books.....

SFX:

WATER SPLASHING IN BUCKET

Osgood:

Miss Brooks..MISS BROOKS!! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT BUCKET! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE DUCKING FOR APPLES! (pause if laugh)

Miss Brooks:

Who's ducking for apples? I'm trying to drown myself! (pause for laugh)

MFX:

BRIDGE UP then start APPLAUSE

SFX:

LUSTERCREME SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL

Announcer:

And now once again, here is Our Miss Brooks....

Miss Brooks:

Well, Mister Conklin was so glad to find out that the things he thought had been happening to him, HAD been happening to him, that he excused us all, and hurried home. Shortly afterward, I excused Walter and Stretch, which left just Mister Boynton, the parlor sofa and me.

Boynton:

Well, here we are, Miss Brooks. You know with that lamp light shining on your hair, you're absolutely...ah....well...

Miss Brooks:

(hopefully) Yes, Mister Boynton?

Mrs. Davis:

(off mic) Yooo hooo! Yoo Hoo, folks!

Miss Brooks:

What's that?

Boynton:

(amazed) Look! At the window! It's Mrs. Davis with a pumpkin head!

Miss Brooks:

(cynically) Just what I needed!

Mrs. Davis:

(on mic) Happy Hallowe'en, Connie! (pause) Trick r Treat!

Miss Brooks:

I've got a trick, Mrs. Davis. Here's sixty cents. TREAT yourself to 'Jolson Sings Again' again, again! (pause if laugh)

MFX:

THEME UP AND UNDER

Announcer:

Be sure to listen to Mr. and Mrs. North Tuesday evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks! (pause) This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MFX:

THEME UP AND OUT