Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Ozzie and Harriet
Show: Buying A Valentine
Date: Feb 13 1948

Cast:
Announcer
Ozzie
Harriet
Ricky
David
Thorny
Miss Dunlap
Mr. Bigelow
German voice
Emmy Lou
Mother

DAVID:

Did you have Valentine's Day when you were a little girl, Ma?

HARRIET:

Oh sure. In fact if you look at this morning's paper, there's a picture of a Valentine made in 1847, over a hundred years ago.

DAVID:

I bet I know what it said. "America's finest silverplate is 1847 Rogers Brothers."

MUSIC BRIDGE, CONTINUES UNDER

ANNOUNCER:

America's finest silverplate is 1847 Rogers Brothers. From Hollywood, the makers of Rogers Brothers 1847 Silverplate present the Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. Starring America's favorite young couple, Ozzie Nelson and Harriet Hilliard.

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC THEME.

ANNOUNCER:

Attention all husbands, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. A little Valentine's music, if you please, Professor.

MUSIC DREARY

ANNOUNCER:

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

MUSIC ROMANTIC

ANNOUNCER:

That's more like it. Valentine's Day. Ah me. At the home of the Nelsons on 1847 Rogers Road they're already at work on Operation Valentine. At least David and Ricky are.

RICKY:

Now what do I do, David?

DAVID:

You do the same with a Valentine as you do with a letter. Put it in the envelope and seal it.

RICKY:

It doesn't have any sticky stuff.

DAVID:

Let me see it. Hmph! There isn't any there.

RICKY:

I got cheated, huh?

DAVID:

What do you expect for a five-cent Valentine? You sure are a cheapskate. Five cents for a Valentine.

RICKY:

Well it's only for a girl.

DAVID:

You'll think a lot more of girls when you're my age. I paid a dime for this one.

RICKY:

That's a lot of money, boy.

DAVID:

When you pay that much for a card you let the girl know you don't mind spending money on her.

RICKY:

You don't, but I do. When you gonna pay me back that dime?

DAVID:

You'll get it. Hey, Mom, where's that bottle of glue?

HARRIET:

(Off) Right there in the big desk.

OZZIE:

What do you want glue for?

RICKY:

There's no sticky stuff on my envelope.

OZZIE:

Oh, are you sending a Valentine, too?

RICKY:

Yeah. To Mary Lou Benson. A girl.

OZZIE:

I gathered as much. The "Mary Lou" gave it away.

RICKY:

Would you like to read it?

OZZIE:

Sure. Let's see what it says.

HARRIET:

Ozzie, you shouldn't read his Valentine.

OZZIE:

Well for goodness sakes, Harriet, I'm his father.

SOUND CARD OPENING.

OZZIE:

(Reads) "Roses are red..." (Aside) I always liked that one. (Reads) "Violets are blue. We have a bulldog that looks like you." You're sending this, Ricky?

RICKY:

Uh-huh.

HARRIET:

Well that isn't very nice, Ricky. Comic Valentines are all right, but "We have a bulldog that looks like you"! That's not very nice for a little girl.

DAVID:

Oh, Ricky doesn't know anything. Here. Read my Valentine. It's a real nice one.

RICKY:

I paid a dime for it.

DAVID:

You keep out of this.

HARRIET:

Here, let's see it, David. Oh, this is a pretty one. (Reads) "I talked to a dove and here's what he thinks. In the chain of your love, I'm one of the links." That's very nice.

DAVID:

It's kind of a disappointment, at the end there.

HARRIET:

I think it's a lovely Valentine.

RICKY:

Oh, it's delightful.

DAVID:

You keep quiet.

RICKY:

I talked to my brother and here's what he thinks. His girl wears perfume, and boy how she......

OZZIE:

Never mind!

HARRIET:

That's a lovely card. Who is it for?

DAVID:

Eleanor Smith. She's the prettiest girl in class. Do you like my Valentine, Pop?

OZZIE:

Yes, I guess it's okay, David. Only thing is, there's nothing unusual about it.

HARRIET:

It's a beautiful Valentine, David. Ozzie, don't try and discourage him.

OZZIE:

I'm not trying to discourage him, Harriet, it's just that if he's going to impress the prettiest girl in his class, he's got to do something a little unusual.

DAVID:

What would you suggest, Pop?

OZZIE:

Well, when I was your age, I used to get some red paper, tinfoil, glue and stuff and make my own Valentine. The girls kinda liked that unusual touch.

HARRIET:

Well, if I were a little girl I'd be very happy with your Valentine, David.

OZZIE:

Well, I'm just trying to help him along, Harriet, You know darned well out of all the Valentines you got from different guys, mine are the only ones you have left.

HARRIET:

That's right, dear.

OZZIE:

So you saved them, The other one lacked originality. You didn't want them any more. That's why I burned them.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE.

THORNY:

Hi, Oz.

OZZIE:

Oh, hello, Thorny.

THORNY:

I hate to seem impetuous, Oz, but I can't wait. Here's a Valentine, from me to you. Read it now, so I can watch your face.

OZZIE:

Oh, Thorny, cut it out.

THORNY:

No, read it. (Pause.) I paid a dime for it.

OZZIE:

"You're a little bit of heaven, you're a little ray of sun. You're a darling boy, an angel. You're an awful lot of fun. You're all that's good and wonderful. You're a welcome sight to see. You're this and more to everyone. But you're just a bum to me."

THORNY:

Oh, I'm sorry, Oz, that one isn't yours. My mistake. That one's for my brother-in-law. I've got a special one for you. Got it here someplace.

OZZIE:

Oh, that's all right, Thorny. I'm probably better off with the one I just read.

THORNY:

Oh, by the way, Oz. Have you bought Harriet's present yet?

OZZIE:

Uh, no, not yet. Why?

THORNY:

I wouldn't wait too long if I were you. I was just downtown at the candy store and they were running pretty law on Valentine boxes.

OZZIE:

Is that what you're got all wrapped up there?

THORNY:

Yeah, and it's a beauty.

SOUND UNWRAPPING.

THORNY:

See? Isn't that pretty?

OZZIE:

Yeah, yeah, it's real nice. The only thing, though, well, frankly, Thorny, it isn't very unusual.

THORNY:

I don't get you.

OZZIE:

Well, just look at it. It's very pretty, but it's a red, heart-shaped box with "To My Valentine" inscribed on it.

THORNY:

Well, naturally, Oz. That's what it's for. Valentine's Day.

OZZIE:

Well, I may be wrong but I think women like something a little more unusual than that.

THORNY:

You think so? What are you gonna give Harriet?

OZZIE:

Well, I don't know yet. I haven't decided. But I can promise you it won't be candy. It'll be something that shows a little more thought, imagination.

THORNY:

Like what?

OZZIE:

Well, as I say I'm not sure yet. In fact I'm on my way down to the store now to pick out something.

THORNY:

Oh, here's your Valentine, Oz. I knew I had it here someplace. It's called "To My Next Door Neighbor." I made it up myself.

OZZIE:

Good for you. May I read it?

THORNY:

Oh yeah, sure.

OZZIE:

"To my next-door neighbor. (Pause) I like you next door neighbor. I do I do I do. Next door neighbor, I like you. I do I do, it's true. I like you next door neighbor, it's true I do I do. I do, it's true. It's true, I do. I do I do like you." (PFL) Thank you, Thorny. It's very thoughtful.

THORNY:

Well, I like you, Oz. I do, I do. It's true I do. I do I do I do. Happy Valentine's Day.

OZZIE:

Same to you, Thorny!

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

SOUND STORE ELEVATOR BELL.

DUNLAP:

May I help you, sir?

OZZIE:

Oh, yes, miss. I'm trying to find something for my wife for Valentine's Day. Do you have any ideas?

DUNLAP:

I might. Do you know the sizes of some of the things she wears?

OZZIE:

Well, her feet are small. When she puts them up against my back at night, there're about my waist up to here. Very cold. Her glove size, let's see. About medium-sized hands I should say. Of course she's wearing her nails a little shorter now. About medium-size, I'd say. Her stocking size is about the same size as yours, I think. Medium height. I think that's a pretty good description of her. You get any ideas from that?

DUNLAP:

Well, ... how about a box of candy?

OZZIE:

No, I want to get her something unusual. Something she wouldn't expect on Valentine's Day.

DUNLAP:

I see. Maybe our Mr. Bigelow can help you.

OZZIE:

Which one is he?

DUNLAP:

That man over at the next counter. The very good-looking, distinguished man. Wearing the blue serge suit.

OZZIE:

Blue serge? Oh, yes. I see him.

DUNLAP:

Doesn't he have a wonderful face? So strong. Oh, look, he's smiling. That little dimple always shows in his cheek when he smiles.

OZZIE:

Do you think he could help me?

DUNLAP:

Oh, yes. He's such a kind and generous person. (Calls) Oh, Mr. Bigelow?

BIGELOW:

(Off) Yeees.

DUNLAP:

Could you help us, please?

BIGELOW:

(Off) Just a moment (On) What can I do for you, Miss Dunlap?

DUNLAP:

I thought you may be able to help this gentleman.

OZZIE:

I'm trying to find a gift for my wife. Something a little out of the ordinary.

BIGELOW:

For your wife, mmm? Let me see. Well, that's a little difficult for me. I'm a bachelor myself.

DUNLAP:

(Shyly) You needn't be, Mr. Bigelow.

BIGELOW:

Oh, Miss Dunlap. What woman would want a lonely old bachelor like me?

OZZIE:

I'd appreciate any suggestions.

BIGELOW:

Well, as I told you, I'm just a bachelor. I live in a little apartment and cook my own meals. I don't have a wife to buy pretty things for.

DUNLAP:

You could have.

OZZIE:

Just some sort of unusual gift, a Valentine's ...

BIGELOW:

I imagine you'll get quite a few Valentines, Miss Dunlap.

DUNLAP :

I bet you'll get hundreds, Mr. Bigelow.

BIGELOW:

(Chuckles) Oh, you flatter me, Miss Dunlap. I won't get any Valentines.

DUNLAP:

You'll get one. I'm the person who won't get any. (Pause) (Hopefully) Will I?

BIGELOW:

I think you will.

OZZIE:

I'll send each of you one if you'll just help me find something.

DUNLAP:

Mr. Bigelow, we've known each other for ten years. I think it's time we stopped being so formal. Why don't you call me Genevieve? It's my name, you know.

BIGELOW:

Your name is Genevieve? My name is Randolph.

OZZIE:

My name is Ozzie Nelson and I'm trying to find a present...

BIGELOW:

You know, my mother's name was Genevieve.

OZZIE:

Do you think a compact would be nice?

DUNLAP:

Oh, isn't that a shame, there's a loose button on your coat. I could sew it up for you.

BIGELOW:

Oh, would you? It's not too much trouble?

DUNLAP:

Don't be silly. Shall we say tonight, about six o'clock?

BIGELOW:

Wonderful. Do you like good music, Genevieve?

DUNLAP:

I love good music. Do you like walking in the rain?

BIGELOW:

There's nothing I like more than walking in the rain.

OZZIE:

Galoshes might be an unusual gift.

DUNLAP:

Do you like fried chicken?

BIGELOW:

I love it. Do you like to sit in front of a fireplace?

DUNLAP:

Oh yes. Do you like to go for long bus rides?

BIGELOW:

Oh, very much. Do you like Debussy?

DUNLAP:

Yes. Do you like to walk?

BIGELOW:

Very much. Genevieve, there's something I've wanted to ask you for ten years.

DUNLAP:

Randolph, your carnation... it's trembling.

MUSIC ROMANTIC UNDER

BIGELOW:

That's my heart. Would you have dinner with me tonight, after you've sewn on my button?

DUNLAP:

(Choking up) Oh, excuse me, Randolph. I think I'm going to cry. (Cries)

BIGELOW:

(Cries, too) Cry, Genevieve!

OZZIE:

I guess I'll be going.

BIGELOW:

Would you please? (Weeping) You see, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I want to get something unusual for a beautiful lady!

MUSIC UP SCENE CHANGE

HARRIET:

Where've you been, dear?

OZZIE:

Oh, just downtown.

HARRIET:

Oh? What were you doing?

OZZIE:

Talking to the back of a blue serge suit. I saw a real-life romance happen today, Harriet. Valentine's Day is certainly inspiring.

HARRIET:

Were you looking for something special? Something unusual, maybe?

OZZIE:

For Valentine's Day? Oh, perhaps I'm old fashioned, but to my way of thinking Valentine's Day is the day for a simple romantic gift. Candy. Or flowers, perhaps.

HARRIET:

You can't fool me. In the first place, I know how clever and original you are. And in the second place, Thorny told me.

OZZIE:

Thorny? Oh, yes. I think I do recall kidding him a little. Oh by the way, he bought Catherine a beautiful box of candy. I bet she'll be delighted with it. You know they had some very unusual ones this year. Red boxes shaped like hearts.

HARRIET:

You're very unconvincing, dear. I don't know what you bought me, but I know it isn't candy. Golly, with this buildup, it must be terrific. Oh, look at the time, I have some work I have to...

OZZIE:

Harriet...

HARRIET:

You going to help me with the dishes?

OZZIE:

Oh, sure I'll be glad to help you. What do you think I bought you for Valentine's Day?

HARRIET:

I can't imagine. Honest, it'll be a complete surprise.

OZZIE:

Just give a guess. Tell me what you think.

HARRIET:

Why I couldn't begin to.

OZZIE:

Harriet, please. Guess what you think I bought you for Valentine's Day, and give me the size.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

ANNOUNCER:

Hey, our buddy Ozzie's having quite a time. But you know, he's got a point there, about wanting something original, unusual. It does make a difference, all the difference in the world. And not just when it comes to Valentines, either. It makes a difference in your clothes, in the things you buy for your home. A perfect example is famous 1847 Rogers Brothers. When you buy 1847 Rogers you're buying silverplate whose every line, every detail is marked by that feeling for originality, that touch of the unusual. It's the work of men whose freshness of imagination has made them leaders in the field of silverplate design for over a century. That skill and century-old tradition has made Rogers Brothers the finest silverplate in America. No other can match it. When you're buying 1847 Rogers Brothers, you're buying the very best. So look for that earmark of 1847 - the one and only 1847 Rogers Brothers.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

ANNOUNCER:

Does anyone know of an unusual Valentine's Day gift? If you do, contact Ozzie Nelson right now. Because he's in a bad way. He's been trying desperately to find one for Harriet. But he's been getting nowhere fast. Yes, Ozzie's in trouble. In fact, I'll go further and I'll say he's in Dutch.

VOICE:

Iss dat ick stein you in Dutch?

OZZIE:

Yah das ick stein me in Dutch.

VOICE:

Iss dat ick stein vorrrrry you?

OZZIE:

Yah das ick stein vorry me.

VOICE:

You in Dutch?

OZZIE:

Vorry me.

VOICE:

Talk too much.

OZZIE:

Zo I zee.

VOICE:

Vas it vise?

OZZIE:

Could be dandy.

VOICE:

Somezing nize?

OZZIE:

Please not candy.

VOICE:

Not hokay?

OZZIE:

Not today.

MUSIC "ACH DU LIBER AUGUSTEIN."

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

ANNOUNCER:

Here's Ozzie, as he slowly makes his way up Rogers Road.

EMMY LOU:

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Nelson!

OZZIE:

Hello, Emmy Lou.

EMMY LOU:

Mr. Nelson, you sound so unhappy. Ah, you didn't get a Valentine.

OZZIE:

No, it isn't that, Emmy. I've been trying to find an unusual present for Mrs. Nelson, and it just isn't easy.

EMMY LOU:

Why don't you buy her a box of candy?

OZZIE:

You see, that's it. Everybody gets candy or flowers. I want something unusual and clever. You should know, Emmy Lou. What would a woman especially like for Valentine's Day?

EMMY LOU:

Gee, Mr. Nelson, I don't know. (Pause) I know what my Aunt Margaret wants. She wants a husband!

OZZIE:

Well, Mrs. Nelson already has one of those. A rather ordinary one, I'm afraid. (Chuckles) Besides, I can't give her me.

EMMY LOU:

Why can't you? What a wonderful gift! You're giving her yourself. You're giving her everlasting love and devotion. You're her Valentine! You, Ozzie Nelson, what a beautiful idea! (Squeals with delight.)

OZZIE:

Oh, Emmy Lou, that wouldn't...

EMMY LOU:

Wouldn't what? What a sentiment, offering your heart, your soul! So different, so unconventional, not a box of candy, not a bouquet of flowers, but yourself.

OZZIE:

Sounds like I'm trying to save money, doesn't it?

EMMY LOU:

No, it's beautiful and lovely.

OZZIE:

You really think so.

EMMY LOU:

Oh, yes, yes! Let's do it, Mr. Nelson. Give her yourself!

OZZIE:

You know, it's silly, but the more I think of it, the more I think it sounds like a good idea. In fact, at this point any way out sounds like a good idea. I'll do it, Emmy Lou. My gift to Mrs. Nelson is on its way. G'bye, Emmy.

EMMY LOU:

Are you going to walk?

OZZIE:

Yes, why?

EMMY LOU:

It wouldn't be any bother. I'd be glad to drop you in the mailbox.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

OZZIE:

(Rehearsing) I'm yours, Harriet, Take me. No, no. Darling, I've brought you a gift, more precious than gold. I rush across the room, and take her in my arms...

HARRIET:

(off) That you, Ozzie?

OZZIE:

Yes, dear. I've brought you a gift...

HARRIET:

Oh, Ozzie, You shouldn't have.

OZZIE:

No, no no. I've brought you a gift...

HARRIET:

Where is it? I don't see anything. Is it in your pocket?

OZZIE:

I've brought you a gift, more precious than gold.

HARRIET:

Oh, Ozzie, you shouldn't have spent so much money.

OZZIE:

I'm yours. Take me.

HARRIET:

I've got you. Where's my gift? (PFL) Ah, you are hiding it. Where is it? Under your coat?

OZZIE:

Partly.

HARRIET:

Partly?

OZZIE:

Yes, partly under my coat. Some of it's in my sleeve. Some of it's in my shoes.

HARRIET:

(Laughs) Come on now, stop teasing me. What is it?

OZZIE:

Harriet, it's... This should be a dead giveaway. (off) Your present is now on the davenport.

HARRIET:

Oh for goodness sakes, don't sit on it. Come on, stop teasing me. What is it? It must be something wonderful.

OZZIE:

I'm beginning to think it's a little stupid.

HARRIET:

Come on, what is it?

OZZIE:

It's...

HARRIET:

It's what?

OZZIE:

It's downtown. I better go get it.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

HARRIET:

(On phone) Hello?

MOTHER:

(Filter) Hello, Harriet, it's mother.

HARRIET:

Hello, Mother. Did you get any Valentines yet?

MOTHER:

Well, as a matter of fact I did get one. It was a beautiful box of candy and a lovely card. It was signed, From an Anonymous Admirer. Isn't that romantic?

HARRIET:

Oh, yes.

MOTHER:

Thank you, dear. It was so nice of you to send it.

HARRIET:

Well, I tried. I can't wait to see what Ozzie's getting me. Whatever it is, he's sure been giving it a buildup.

MOTHER:

Well, if I know Ozzie it'll be something clever. He always gives such novel, unconventional things. What are you going to give him?

HARRIET:

One of those hand-painted ties he likes so much.

MOTHER:

Oh, Harriet, not another one of those...

HARRIET:

No, Mother, this just has palm trees on it.

MOTHER:

I'm not telling you what to do, Harriet, But don't you think it would be better to give him something a little unusual? After all he's getting something special for you.

HARRIET:

I suppose so. I'll admit a necktie isn't very original. Maybe I'll think of something else.

MOTHER:

Well, you know the old saying, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Why don't you bake him an apple pie? You know how Ozzie likes apple pie.

HARRIET:

Oh, mother, that's a wonderful idea. He likes them with a lot of cinnamon, piled high with apples, a flaky crust, and cream poured over it, and a slice of cheese.

MOTHER:

Harriet, dear. That pie sounds so good. Take a look out the window and see if I'm coming up the walk.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

HARRIET:

(Off) Ozzie, is that you?

OZZIE:

(Dejected) Yes, Harriet, it's me.

HARRIET:

What's in the package? Oh, I'll bet it's my present. Let me see!

OZZIE:

Harriet, wait, please. Before you get all excited, this is your Valentine's Day gift. But I'm afraid you're going to be terribly disappointed.

HARRIET:

Oh, Ozzie, you know better than that.

OZZIE:

No, I mean it. It's all my fault. Just goes to show you how a guy can outsmart himself.

HARRIET:

What do you mean?

OZZIE:

Valentine's Day comes once a year. So the average intelligent man buys his wife some candy in a pretty box shaped like a heart. Maybe he buys some lovely flowers. Not me. Oh, no. Something extraordinary.

HARRIET:

Oh, stop that nonsense. Whatever you bought me I'll love it and you know it.

OZZIE:

Do you know there's not a single store in town that has a Valentine Candy box left?

HARRIET:

Well, that's all right, dear.

OZZIE:

Not only that, the flower shop is sold out of nearly everything. Well, anyway, I bought you these. And I hope you won't hate me.

HARRIET:

Ozzie, don't be ridiculous.

SOUND BAG OPENING.

HARRIET:

Ozzie, how wonderful! A bag of popcorn!

OZZIE:

Ten cents.

HARRIET:

And a little bouquet of violets.

OZZIE:

Thirty five cents. Forty-five cents altogether.

HARRIET:

What a beautiful thought. And I didn't even think you remembered.

OZZIE:

Well, I... Remember what?

HARRIET:

Oh, stop making believe. After all these years you still remembered about the popcorn and violets.

OZZIE:

Oh, yeah, sure. The popcorn and violets. In fact, I wasn't sure you'd remember.

HARRIET:

How could I forget? I even wrote it in my diary. Our first date: Ozzie bought me violets and a bag of popcorn. I think I like him.

OZZIE:

Gee, and I never knew it. Hey, I smell apple pie! Harriet, you remembered!

HARRIET:

Remembered what?

OZZIE:

The apple pie! Don't you remember?

HARRIET:

What?

OZZIE:

(Stammers) Apple pie. Wasn't there something about apple pie? I mean, I know we had some wonderful romantic memories, connected with... apple pie? (Pause) Anyway, I know you made it for me. Gee, thanks.

HARRIET:

Well, thank you, dear. I hope it turned out well.

OZZIE:

Wait a minute. Now I remember. It was the same night as the violets and the popcorn. We stopped off at that little restaurant and bought a big apple pie.

HARRIET:

Apple pie?

OZZIE:

What a wonderful evening. Can you ever forget the moonlight on the lake? And I took you in my arms, and I kissed you.

HARRIET:

You did?

OZZIE:

Sure. Don't you remember? The canoe almost tipped over. (Chuckles) Marvelous. (Laughs.) (Pause) You're not laughing.

HARRIET:

I have never been in a canoe in my life.

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

DAVID:

Hi, Pop.

OZZIE:

Oh, hello, David. How do you think Eleanor liked the Valentine?

DAVID:

I'm not sure, Pop.

OZZIE:

You don't think she liked the poem?

DAVID:

I didn't send her the poem. I did like you said. You remember you told me about those home-made Valentines you used to make?

OZZIE:

Oh yes! Didn't she like it?

DAVID:

I don't think so. When she passed me in the hall today she said, "Hmmph! Some Valentine!"

OZZIE:

That's funny. Used to go big with all my girls. That is, when I was a girl, a boy, that is. How did you make it?

DAVID:

I did just like you said. I got some tinfoil and a little roll of red paper, a bottle of glue and a couple of crayons.

OZZIE:

Are you sure she got it?

DAVID:

Oh I know she got it. I guess she didn't know how to put it together.

MUSIC THEME AND OUT.

ANNOUNCER:

Thanks for joining Ozzie, Harriet, the boys, Thorny, Emmy Lou, Mom, that couple in the store and that person with the weird German thing going on as we presented "Buying a Valentine."