Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Lux Radio Theater
Show: The Egg and I
Date: May 05 1947

CAST:

The Lux Team:
ANNOUNCER, John Milton Kennedy
WILLIAM KEIGHLEY, your host
LIBBY COLLINS, Hollywood reporter
JANE ADAMS, model, actress, intermission guest
SPRY ANNCR, who sells vegetable shortening
SINGER, who sings about vegetable shortening

The Leads:
BETTY / CLAUDETTE COLBERT
BOB / FRED MacMURRAY

The Human Beings:
PA KETTLE
HARRIET PUTNAM, rich, sexy, flirtatious
TOM KETTLE, college-age son of Ma and Pa
HENRIETTA KETTLE, daughter
MA KETTLE
ALBERT KETTLE, young son
HOMER HENTY, uptight agent
VOICE (2 lines)
SHERIFF
MR. PETTIGREW (1 line)
JOE, taxi driver
BILLY REED, obnoxious salesman
EMILY, creepy old lady
WORKER, at the Putnam Ranch
MOTHER, Betty's mom
BABY, Betty's daughter
plus numerous COUNTRY FOLK and KETTLE CHILDREN

The Animals:
CHICKENS, lots of chickens
SHEEP
GOAT
COW
CLEOPATRA, the pig
SPORT, the dog
KETTLE DOG
CRICKETS

ANNOUNCER:

Lux presents Hollywood!

MFX:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, bring you "The Lux Radio Theatre," starring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray in "The Egg and I." Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keighley!

MFX:

THEME ... UP AND OUT

SFX:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen! How would you like to run a chicken farm, hm? Get away from it all? Enjoy the peace and quiet of the country? Relax and let the chickens do all the work? Ahhh! Blissful, meditative life. You don't believe it? Well, now! Let's have a look at a charming young couple who tried it -- and, as a result, hatched a best-selling novel called "The Egg and I," from which came Universal-International's screen hit of the same name, starring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray.

We're lucky to have Claudette and Fred here tonight to repeat their hit performances. If you read the book, you'll doubtless recall that Betty MacDonald, whom Claudette portrays, did most of her shopping from itinerant salesmen who peddled everything from kitchen ranges to toilet soap. And while she doesn't mention Lux by name, we happen to know from the hundreds of letters we receive that Lux Soap is as popular on ranches and farms as it is right here in Hollywood. Complexions exposed daily to rough treatment from the wind and sun appreciate especially the kindly care they get from Lux Soap.

Here's the first act of "The Egg and I" starring Claudette Colbert as Betty and Fred MacMurray as Bob.

MFX:

"THE LOVE NEST" ... FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT GENTLY AT [X]

KEIGHLEY:

A few months after the war was over, a young man named Bob came home to Seattle, married a girl named Betty, and swept her off on a honeymoon. Now, on their first night as man and wife--

BOB:

Betty?

BETTY:

Yes, darling?

BOB:

Betty, did you ever think how we're going to spend the rest of our lives?

BETTY:

Whatever my husband chooses to do, it's all right with me.

BOB:

Well, the question is, are we going to trod the old paths or break new roads into the wilderness? [X]

BETTY:

I don't know. Which?

BOB:

You know, honey, when you're lying in a foxhole you've got plenty of time to think things out. You know what I said to myself? I said, "Just exactly what have Saddle, Finch, Tanner, Pease and Stuck to do with all this?" -- you know, the people I work for -- and do you know what the answer was?

BETTY:

(NEGATIVE) Uh-uh.

BOB:

Nothing, absolutely nothing. And that's why I'm not going back to Saddle, Finch, Tanner, Pease and Stuck.

BETTY:

You aren't?

BOB:

I am not. Betty, do you know what a fellow thinks about when he's lying out there in the mud with the shells bursting all around him?

BETTY:

(LOVINGLY) I'd be thinking about you.

BOB:

He thinks about the things that really count. Like love, and food, and babies, and things growing up out of the ground. He thinks about cows and horses and-- Do you know what I dreamt about most, Betty?

BETTY:

(LOVINGLY) Tell me, darling.

BOB:

Chickens. ...

BETTY:

Chickens?!

BOB:

Just you and me and thousands and thousands of chickens. Every one of 'em laying eggs all day long.

BETTY:

But what on earth would we do with that many eggs?

BOB:

Why, we'd sell 'em, of course! Darling, I bought a chicken farm. It's way up in the mountains, miles from everywhere. Forty beautiful, fertile acres.

BOB:

Oh, well, that sounds fine. We'll go there every weekend, hm?

BOB:

Weekend? Honey, we're gonna live there -- all the time! We're gonna raise chickens.

BETTY:

We are?

BOB:

You bet we are.

BETTY:

Oh.

BOB:

And I bought a truck, honey. We can take all our things and still have plenty of room for the cow.

BETTY:

Cow?!

BOB:

Sure -- and a goat, too. And maybe a couple of sheep. We'll leave for the mountains day after tomorrow. Aw, Betty, I just knew you'd be crazy about the idea.

BETTY:

Yes. Crazy.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

TRUCK ENGINE ... NOISE OF SHEEP, GOAT, COW, CHICKENS ... CONTINUES IN BG

BOB:

How's the livestock doing in the back there, honey?

BETTY:

Oh, they're doing fine. They love it.

BOB:

(CHUCKLES) Good! Oh, now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Of course, our profit'll vary, Betty. The percentage of cockerels is a vital factor in determining the cost of each pullet. So you've got to keep watching for those little combs to break out of the shells.

BETTY:

(FEIGNS INTEREST) Oh, we'll watch all right, won't we?

BOB:

I'll say we will! Then you separate 'em, fatten 'em up, dress 'em and off to market they go. Say, what do you think of this scenery, Betty? Just look over there! Just look!

BETTY:

(EXCITED) Oh, Bob, my hat!

BOB:

Hm?

BETTY:

It blew into the back of the truck! Oh, it's my new hat!

BOB:

Oh, well, we'll get it later, dear.

BETTY:

(UPSET) Well -- the goat's eating it!

BOB:

Oh, don't worry, honey. It won't hurt him. ...

SFX:

ENGINE AND ANIMALS BRIEFLY ... FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

BOB:

Hey. Hey, Betty. Hey, Betty, wake up!

BETTY:

(WAKES) Hm? What--? What's happened? What's the matter?

BOB:

Get ready, honey.

BETTY:

Are we there?

BOB:

Almost. Now, close your eyes. I want to surprise ya.

BETTY:

My eyes were closed.

BOB:

Well, close 'em again.

SFX:

ENGINE SLOWS TO A STOP ... SQUEAKY BRAKE ... ANIMALS CONTINUE IN BG

BOB:

Here we are, honey! This is it! Open your eyes!

BETTY:

(TAKEN ABACK) Oh.

BOB:

Well, what's the matter?

BETTY:

(CHUCKLES) Oh, oh, darling, for a minute, I thought that was the house. That - that shambles there.

BOB:

But, uh, that is the house. ...

BETTY:

Oh. Oh, well, I - I guess it just needs a new coat of paint.

BOB:

Yeah. Well, come on, get out of the truck.

SFX:

TRUCK DOORS ... FOOTSTEPS THROUGH WEEDS TO CREAKY WOODEN PORCH

BOB:

You know, the agent told me there isn't another house like this in the whole county.

BETTY:

Yeah, I can see what he meant.

BOB:

Well, up on the porch now. Isn't it wonderful, Betty?

BETTY:

(SIGHS, CHUCKLES, UNCONVINCING) Yes.

BOB:

This is what I dreamed of -- carrying you over the threshold.

BETTY:

(LAUGHS, DELIGHTED)

BOB:

(WITH EFFORT) Up you go.

BETTY:

Oh, Bob!

BOB:

(WITH EFFORT) Now, I'll open the front door.

SFX:

RATTLE OF DOOR WHICH DOES NOT OPEN

BOB:

(WITH EFFORT) It's a good, tight-fitting door, isn't it?

SFX:

RATTLE OF DOOR ... LOUDER

BETTY:

(BEAT, HELPFUL) Maybe it's locked, darling.

BOB:

Locked?! Who bothers with locks in God's country?

SFX:

RATTLE OF DOOR ... LOUDEST

BETTY:

Darling, you - you'd better put me down.

BOB:

(OUT OF BREATH) Yeah, I guess I better.

SFX:

PUTS BETTY DOWN

BOB:

I'll have to force it a little, I guess. Stand back, honey.

BETTY:

Now, be careful.

BOB:

Yeah, I'll just get a little running start--

SFX:

BOB RUNS ACROSS PORCH AND SMASHES THE ENTIRE DOOR DOWN WITH A HUGE CRASH!

BETTY:

Oh! Oh, Bob! Darling! Are - are you all right?

BOB:

Oh, sure, I'm all right. Well, Betty, what do you think of it? Hasn't it got a lot of character? Now, this stairway goes up to the attic. And that's the bedroom over there. And this is the living room. Nice size room, huh?

BETTY:

(STARTLED CRY) Oh, look up there! Are those bats?!

BOB:

Well, what's a few bats? Hiya, fellas! ... Just look at these floors, Betty. You won't have to do a thing to 'em. Just scrub and polish 'em. And here's the dining room in here. (MOVING OFF) Boy, they just don't build houses like this nowadays.

BETTY:

No, they've got building inspectors nowadays. ...

BOB:

(OFF) What'd you say, dear?

BETTY:

Oh, I said--

BOB:

(CLOSE AGAIN) Betty, just look at this table! Solid oak!

SFX:

BOB'S FIST POUNDS OAK TABLE THRICE

BOB:

Strong as Gibraltar!

BETTY:

Isn't there any kitchen?

BOB:

Kitchen! Ha! Well, you just come out here and see! Here we are. Isn't this something? A real old-fashioned kitchen. None of that streamlined nonsense -- no, sir! This is the kind of a place where you can really get down to living. No running water, no Frigidaire -- just plenty o' elbow room. (CHUCKLES)

SFX:

CRASH! OF WOOD

BETTY:

(STARTLED CRY)

BOB:

What was that?

BETTY:

(SIGHS) That was the dining room table.

BOB:

Oh.

BETTY:

Gibraltar just collapsed. ...

BOB:

Oh, I'll fix it in no time. Now, Betty, look out the window here. That's the chicken house over there on the right.

BETTY:

(AFFIRMATIVE) Mm-hm.

BOB:

And isn't that some pigpen over there?

BETTY:

Yeah.

BOB:

Kind of close to the house maybe, but I can move it easily.

BETTY:

Yeah.

BOB:

Compact little layout, huh? Of course, it needs a little sprucing up; some paint and a few patches. Heh! Well, come on, I'll show you the rest of the house.

BETTY:

You mean there's more?

BOB:

Oh, it keeps getting better and better. Now, those steps there go down into the cellar. Oh, I - I guess the steps must have fallen down. ... Well, I'll build some new ones and--

BETTY:

What's down there?

BOB:

Nothing but shelves, Betty -- for those hundreds and hundreds of jars of preserves you're gonna put up. Now, over here -- Here's something you're going to treasure the rest of your life.

BETTY:

(WHIMPERS, UNNERVED) What - what is it?

BOB:

Why, honey, that's the stove!

BETTY:

It's got eyes!

BOB:

(CHUCKLES HEARTILY) Oh, those are just ornaments. Kind of look like eyes, though, don't they?

BETTY:

You mean that's a stove?

BOB: I knew you'd never seen one like it before, Betty. Just look at it! She's aching for a big side of beef or a pot full of soup and a couple of dozen loaves of bread. Fresh bread. Heh! I can smell it already. Betty, you're going to have a wonderful time with that stove. (MOVING OFF) Well, come on, you can get to the bedroom right through here.

BETTY:

(BEAT, GRIM) I don't think that stove likes me.

BOB:

(OFF) Betty?

BETTY:

(CALLS) Coming!

SFX:

CLANG! OF METAL ON WOODEN FLOOR

BETTY:

(STARTLED CRY) Oh, Bob! The stove just threw something at me! ... Where are you?

BOB:

(OFF) Uh, on the floor here. I'm just propping up this bedpost.

SFX:

THUMP! OF WOODEN BEDPOST PROPPED UP

BOB:

(OFF) Kind of gave way a little. (STANDS UP) There we are. (CLOSER) Now, just try this bed, Betty. Just try it.

BETTY:

Hmm?

BOB:

Well, sit on it.

BETTY:

Oh. Yes, dear.

SFX:

BETTY LIES ON BED ... UNEARTHLY NOISES

BOB:

Isn't it a wonderful old piece?

BETTY:

It's kind of noisy, don't you think?

BOB:

(LAUGHS) Move over, honey.

SFX:

BOB LIES ON BED ... EVEN WORSE UNEARTHLY NOISES

BOB:

Well, do I deserve a kiss for snapping this place up or don't I?

BETTY:

(FORCED CHUCKLE) Oh, of course, darling.

BOB:

(LAUGHS) Isn't this the life, Betty?

BETTY:

I guess so. Once you get used to it.

BOB:

(LAUGHS) I knew you'd be surprised.

BETTY:

Yeah-- (STARTLED) Oh! Say, something just hit me on the nose.

BOB:

Huh? Well, what do you know? It's raining.

BETTY:

What do you know? Right through the roof.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

RAIN WATER POURS DOWN INTO METAL POT FROM LEAK IN ROOF

BOB:

We'd better stay in the bedroom, darling. It's hardly leaky at all in here.

BETTY:

(TREMENDOUS SNEEZE)

BOB:

Gesundheit.

BETTY:

(MISERABLE) Oh, I'm freezing.

BOB:

Well, you better put this other blanket around you. You catching cold? You must have been sitting in a draught somewhere.

BETTY:

Yes. (STRANGLED SNEEZE) I must have, yeah.

BOB:

Well, you just climb into that wonderful old bed and relax.

BETTY:

(SNIFFLES) Maybe I'd better.

SFX:

BETTY LIES ON BED ... UNEARTHLY NOISES

BOB:

Ah, just smell that wonderful fresh air! (CHUCKLES) Well, the first night in our own home.

BETTY:

(PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT AN ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGH) ...

BOB:

Just think, Betty, this is where we'll probably spend the rest of our lives.

SFX:

BOB LIES ON BED ... UNEARTHLY NOISES

BOB:

Doesn't it give you a wonderful feeling of security?

BETTY:

(AFFIRMATIVE) Mm-hm.

BOB:

Now - now, here's the calendar. Everything's got to be scheduled. By next June we should have at least a half-dozen suckling pigs. We'll have a calf in, uh, July. (DEEPLY FELT) And then, along about August, we can begin to figure on more important offspring.

BETTY:

(DELIGHTED, LOVINGLY) Oh, darling!

BOB:

Five or six hundred of 'em. ...

BETTY:

Five or six hundred what?

BOB:

Why, chicks, of course.

BETTY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Ohhh. Well, I'd like to raise something besides chickens, you know.

BOB:

(CHUCKLES, SYMPATHETIC) Oh, we'll have plenty of those, too, honey. At least four. Or maybe even five. Three boys and two girls, huh?

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) All at once?

BOB:

Oh, no, one at a time. Let's schedule the first one for, uh-- Well, let's say a year from today. How's that? May the eleventh.

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) Well, that sounds like a good day for it. Look! It's Mother's Day!

BOB:

(LAUGHS) What do you know?

MFX:

BRIDGE

BOB:

Betty? Hey, Betty?! Come on, wake up!

BETTY:

(WAKES, MURMURS)

BOB:

Hey, you gonna lie there in bed forever? Come on, get out of there!

BETTY:

Mmm, yes, darling. Pull up the shades, will you?

BOB:

Huh? What shades?

BETTY: Well-- (ASTONISHED) Oh, it's still night out!

BOB:

Night? What do you mean "night"? It's four-thirty. Half the morning's gone. ... I just let you loll in bed because it's your first day, but from now on you'll have to be up at four o'clock every morning sharp.

BETTY:

(HUGE YAWN)

BOB:

Now, come on, roll out, honey. (MOVING OFF) I've got breakfast all ready.

SFX: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THEN FADE IN ON STEADY WHACK-WHACK-WHACK! OF HAMMER ON NAILS ... CONTINUES IN BG

BETTY:

(CALLS) Bob, where are you?!

BOB:

(OFF) Up here on the roof! I fixed the front door and the table! Now I've got the roof half-- Ooof!

SFX:

CRACK! AS ROOF SWALLOWS BOB'S FOOT ... HAMMERING STOPS

BETTY:

Oh, Bob, your foot! Where's your foot?!

BOB:

(OFF) Hm?

BETTY:

Oh, there it is.

BOB:

(OFF) Where? ...

BETTY:

It's just above me through the porch.

BOB:

Oh. Defective shingle, I guess. Don't worry, I'll have it fixed in no time.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

SLOW BUT STEADY THUNK!...THUNK!...THUNK! OF AXE ON TREE ... THEN IN BG

BETTY:

What are you doing, darling?

BOB:

(WITH EFFORT) I'm cutting down a tree.

BETTY:

Well, whatever for? It's a lovely tree.

BOB:

(WITH EFFORT) Well, it's too close to the chicken house.

BETTY:

Oh, don't you think it's kind of awful to cut down a tree?

BOB:

Now, look, Betty, we're not running a park here, you know. Now, stand back so the chips don't fly in your face.

SFX:

ONE LAST CHOP OF AXE

BETTY:

Say, isn't it going to crash down on the chicken house?

BOB:

No, it's not going to crash down on the chicken house.

BETTY:

Well, it looks like it to me.

BOB:

Look, darling, you take care of the kitchen and I'll take care of the tree. What do you say?

BETTY:

All right. But, well, I just thought, that's all.

BOB:

Honey, it so happens that I spent a whole summer in a logging camp once. I've watched experts fell tree after tree.

BETTY:

Well, just the same--

BOB:

Look, dear, this isn't guesswork. It's a matter of science. It's a question of leverages, weights and balances which I've worked out to the Nth degree. Now, the tree isn't going to fall on the chicken house; it's gonna fall right over there. If you don't believe me, just watch and see.

BETTY:

Okay.

SFX:

TWO MORE CHOPS OF AXE ... THEN TREE CREAKS NOISILY AS IT SLOWLY BEGINS TO FALL ... CONTINUES IN BG

BETTY:

Here it comes, Bob!

BOB:

Stand back, honey. (HALF-JOKINGLY) Timberrrrr!

BETTY:

Bob? Bob, it's swaying in the wrong direction!

BOB:

What do you mean, it's--? Why-- (HIGH-PITCHED PANIC) No! No! Oh, no! It's not supposed to--

SFX:

THUNDEROUS CRASH! AS TREE FALLS AND DEMOLISHES CHICKEN HOUSE ... CHICKENS AND OTHER ANIMALS REACT WILDLY

BOB:

(BEAT) Very funny.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

HORSE-DRAWN WAGON PULLS UP BEHIND--

PA:

Howdy, missus.

BETTY:

(MORE CHEERFUL THAN BEFORE) Oh, good morning.

PA:

Just dropped in to say howdy.

BETTY:

Howdy.

PA:

Doin' some gardenin' I see.

BETTY:

Uh, yes.

PA:

Whatcha plantin'?

BETTY:

Oh, some lettuce here and carrots over there. And corn there -- right under the wheels of your wagon.

PA:

Oh. Run over the furrough, did I?

BETTY:

Yes, you did.

PA:

I'm your neighbor. Kettle's the name. Folks call me Pa.

BETTY:

Oh, you must be Tom's father.

PA:

Yes. Guess I am.

BETTY:

Oh, Tom's a wonderful help to us here. I'm glad we were able to hire him. And I'm glad to know you, Pa.

BOB:

(OFF) Hello!

BETTY:

Bob, meet Pa Kettle.

PA:

Just dropped in to say howdy.

BOB:

(CLOSER) Well, uh-- Howdy.

PA:

Howdy. ... Long as we're neighbors, you can count on us for anything you might be needin'. Just stop in and ask for it, you know.

BOB:

Well, thanks, Mr. Kettle.

PA:

Uh, what's that there on your truck? Timber, eh? Buildin' somethin'?

BOB:

Yeah, we're putting up a new chicken coop. (CLEARS THROAT, EMBARRASSED)

PA:

What happened to the old one?

BOB:

Well--

BETTY:

(VERY CHEERFUL) It was destroyed by a system of leverages, weights and balances! ...

PA:

Huh?

BETTY:

Worked out to the Nth degree!

PA:

Oh. I wouldn't mind havin' a few of them two-by-fours.

BOB:

Well, uh, help yourself.

PA:

I won't be needin' more'n two or so. Give me a holt here, will ya?

BOB:

Oh, uh, I'll get 'em for ya. Two, you said?

SFX:

TIMBER TOSSED INTO WOODEN WAGON ... THEN BEHIND--

PA:

Uh, better throw in a couple more, just in case, you know. Afraid I'll be needin' a couple pounds of nails. Ain't got none to fit a two-by-four.

BOB:

Oh, I - I guess I could let you have a couple of pounds.

PA:

And -- let's see, uh -- hammer and saw. Kids been usin' my saw; plumb ruined the edge.

BOB:

Well, uh, come around to the barn. I'll see what I can lend ya.

BETTY:

(MILDLY SARCASTIC) You sure you won't be needing any paint?

PA:

Come to think of it, you got any red you can spare?

BETTY:

No. (CHUCKLES) No, we've only got green.

PA:

Well--- Green'll do. I ain't particular. ... (TO BOB) You say the barn, neighbor? (MOVING OFF) I'll drive the wagon right back there.

SFX:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... BOB AND BETTY'S FOOTSTEPS TO CHICKEN COOP, IN BG

BOB:

Say, Betty, I've just been looking at the egg charts. Have you been collecting the eggs regularly?

BETTY:

No. The hens won't let me.

BOB:

What do you mean they won't let you?

BETTY:

No, they won't. Oh, Bob, couldn't I do something else instead?

SFX:

CHICKEN COOP DOOR OPENS ... CHICKENS CHATTER AND FLAP, IN BG

BOB:

Well, that's silly, Betty. There's nothing difficult about it. Come on in the hen house, I'll show you.

BETTY:

(RELUCTANT SIGH)

BOB:

(DEMONSTRATES) Now, all you do is put your hand in the nest and take out the eggs -- like this.

BETTY:

Oh, well, they don't act like that when I do it. Now, you watch.

SFX:

CHICKEN SQUAWKS ANGRILY

BETTY:

There! Now you see? They even bite me!

BOB:

Well, that's funny. You must have the wrong attitude. Chickens sense things in people, you know.

BETTY:

Well, frankly, I think they're stuck on you and resent me.

BOB:

Well, maybe I'd better collect the eggs. Have you fed the pig yet?

BETTY:

No, I was going to, but--

BOB:

Well, Cleopatra'll never get fat if you don't feed her, you know.

BETTY:

Oh, she's as fat as a pig right now. (MOVING OFF) All right, lover, you stay with your girlfriends and I'll feed Cleopatra.

SFX:

CHICKENS FADE OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

CLEOPATRA:

(GRUNTS, THEN IN BG)

BETTY:

Okay, Cleopatra -- now come and get it!

CLEOPATRA:

(MORE GRUNTS)

BETTY:

Well, get out of the mud and come over here!

CLEOPATRA:

(SQUEALS)

BETTY:

It's food, dopey!

CLEOPATRA:

(SQUEALS WILDLY AS SHE RUNS FREE, CONTINUES IN BG)

BETTY:

Now, you come right back here! Cleopatra! You either get back in that pen or I'll do something you'll be very sorry for! Get out of that puddle! Isn't the mud in your pen good enough?! All right, I'll drag you out by the ears! Cleopatra! No! No!

SFX:

SPLASH! OF BETTY INTO MUD PUDDLE ... CLEOPATRA QUIETS

BETTY:

Ooooh! Oh, now look at me! You come right back here, you--! Come back here!

HARRIET:

(APPROACHES) Having any difficulty?

BETTY:

Huh? Oh, no. No, I just take my mudpacks the hard way. ...

HARRIET:

Maybe I could help. (PLEASANTLY, TO CLEOPATRA) Here, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig. Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy. Here, pig, pig, pig.

CLEOPATRA:

(GRUNTS HAPPILY)

HARRIET:

(TO BETTY, SUPERCILIOUS) There you are. She's back in the pen.

BOB:

(APPROACHES) Well, you certainly have a way with pigs.

HARRIET:

(VERY IMPRESSED WITH BOB) Oh, hello. I'm Harriet Putnam, Bella Vista Ranch.

BOB:

Oh, you have that fancy place down the road, huh?

HARRIET:

That's right.

BOB:

Oh, uh, this is my wife Betty.

BETTY:

Pardon me if I don't rise.

HARRIET:

(CHUCKLES) You're going to have a lovely place here once you get it fixed up. It has loads of possibilities. Mind if I look around?

BOB:

Oh, not at all. Come on.

HARRIET:

(MOVING OFF) It's going to be so nice having real people around for a change.

BOB:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, uh, Betty, you better get cleaned up. That isn't exactly perfume you're covered with. ...

BETTY:

What--? (INDIGNANT) Oh! (TO HERSELF, DISGUSTED) Hoeing fields, chasing cows, milking goats, tending pigs and - and now a glamour-puss! Oh, I'm so mad--! And I thought eggs were something you bought in a grocery store!

MFX:

IRVING BERLIN'S "THIS IS THE LIFE" ... TO A FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

In a moment, we'll return with Act Two of "The Egg and I" starring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray. Meanwhile, here's Libby Collins, our Hollywood news gatherer. What are you reporting on tonight, Libby?

LIBBY:

Oh, a fascinating press party I attended recently, Mr. Keighley. David Niven was host at a luncheon at which Barbara Stanwyck and Robert Taylor, her husband, were guests of honor.

KEIGHLEY:

To celebrate the Robert Taylors return from England, I presume?

LIBBY:

That's right. And David Niven, of course, was Barbara's leading man in her latest picture for Enterprise.

KEIGHLEY:

"The Other Love"?

LIBBY:

Mm-hm. (YES) It's an interesting role Barbara has -- that of a famous piano virtuoso.

KEIGHLEY:

And she plays it beautifully.

LIBBY:

Mm-hm. (YES) And then there was Richard Conte.

KEIGHLEY:

Oh, the other member of the triangle in the picture.

LIBBY:

Yes. Oh, we all had a wonderful time. And, after the party, I drove back to the studio with Barbara and she told me more about her trip.

KEIGHLEY:

Conditions are still pretty difficult over there.

LIBBY:

Oh, Barbara said luxuries scarcely exist. And even necessities are hard to come by. And here's something she told me that will interest our friend Mr. Kennedy.

ANNOUNCER:

Well, Libby, could it be an item about that combination luxury and necessity, Lux Toilet Soap?

LIBBY:

(CHUCKLES) Of course, Mr. Kennedy. And since Barbara didn't want to miss out on her beauty facials while she was abroad for the premiere of "The Other Love," she wisely took some Lux Toilet Soap with her.

ANNOUNCER:

That was smart, Libby, because Lux Toilet Soap is scarce over there right now.

LIBBY:

So scarce that generous Barbara left several cakes behind her. She was down to her last sliver of Lux Soap when she got back, she said.

ANNOUNCER:

Wouldn't that be a predicament for a lovely screen star -- to be without her favorite beauty soap?

LIBBY:

Oh, I should say so -- because Barbara says her daily Lux Soap care really does things for the skin. Those beauty facials, she told me, give her skin quick new loveliness; leave it softer, smoother. She uses Lux Toilet Soap as a bath soap, too. She likes the nice delicate perfume it leaves on her skin.

ANNOUNCER:

Nine out of ten famous screen stars say that Lux Toilet Soap is a care they wouldn't be without. It's such a gentle soap, it can help women everywhere to have the fresh smooth skin that's so appealing. (BEAT) Here's Mr. Keighley at the microphone.

KEIGHLEY:

Our stars, Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray, bring you Act Two of "The Egg and I."

MFX:

"THE LOVE NEST" ... FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

KEIGHLEY:

That amazing and durable mechanism which is the human body can withstand even the incredible onslaughts of a chicken farm. At least, Betty has made this remarkable discovery as she finds herself still alive and reasonably active after harrowing weeks of captivity in the land of the leghorn and the realm of the rooster. Now on a cool summer morning, her husband takes time out to make a studied observation. [X]

BOB:

You know, Betty, you look wonderful. You're beautiful.

BETTY:

Oh, come now. (CHUCKLES)

BOB:

I mean it. You see what this mountain air's done for ya? And regular hours, and a little physical exercise?

BETTY:

A little physical ex--?!

BOB:

Well-- Don't you feel different?

BETTY:

Oh, brother, do I. Anyway, I still love you. I think. (CHUCKLES)

BOB:

Well, you ought to. (MOVING OFF) Just wait'll you see what I've brought home.

BETTY:

What?

BOB:

(OFF) Bought him from Doc Wilson.

BETTY:

(DELIGHTED) Oh, Bob! A dog! Awwww!

BOB:

(APPROACHES) Yeah! Wonderful hunting dog, but he's - he's terribly vicious. You gotta watch out for him.

BETTY:

Oh, he doesn't look vicious to me.

BOB:

Oh, he doesn't, eh? Oh, Betty, don't touch him now! He's bitten about everybody in town.

BETTY:

Honest? What's his name?

BOB:

Sport.

BETTY:

Hiya, Sport!

BOB:

Betty, I told you not to touch him. I tell you he's dangerous. Now--

BETTY:

(SKEPTICAL) Oh.

BOB:

Takes a steady nerve to handle an animal like this.

BETTY:

He looks awfully sweet to me.

BOB:

Sweet, huh? Sport, did you hear what she called ya? Sweet.

SPORT:

(GROWLS VICIOUSLY)

BOB:

See what I mean?

BETTY:

But he's got such big brown eyes.

BOB:

Mm, such long white teeth. But don't worry. I'll show him who's master around here.

BETTY:

(MOVING OFF) All right, you do that, darling. I'll go feed the chickens.

SFX:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... CHICKENS CACKLE AND FLAP, THEN IN BG

TOM:

Oh, 'morning, Miss Betty.

BETTY:

Hello, Tom. Well, what on Earth is that?

TOM:

Oh, it's just a contraption I've rigged up. Kind of an automatic feeder.

BETTY:

Say, you're a regular Edison or somebody.

TOM:

Naw, I just like to fool around with tools and things.

BETTY:

Better than farming?

TOM:

Oh, much.

BETTY:

Put it there, partner. I like anything better than farming.

TOM:

(CHUCKLES)

BETTY:

Say, didn't school open today?

TOM:

Oh, I finished school last spring. I sort of hoped I could go to college. But there's not much chance of that.

BETTY:

Why not?

TOM:

Well, Ma needs someone around the place. (CHUCKLES) You know how Pa is.

BETTY:

(CHUCKLES) Yes, I know how Pa is. But your mother-- You know, I think I'll go have a talk with her. Maybe tomorrow.

MFX:

BRIDGE

BIZ:

KETTLE CHILDREN RUNNING AMOK, THEN IN BG, INCREASINGLY LOUD

BETTY:

Hello! Is your mother home?!

HENRIETTA:

Sure, she's home! Go on in!

BETTY:

Oh, thanks!

DOG:

(BARKS, CONTINUES IN BG)

BETTY:

(TO DOG) No, no -- down! No, no -- down now! Down!

BIZ:

KETTLE CHILDREN AND DOG HIT A PEAK ... THEN SLOWLY SUBSIDE BEHIND--

MA:

Here, now! Stop that dad-blasted noise! Clear outta here! Go on, git! Git!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTS

BETTY:

How are you, Ma Kettle?

MA:

(CHUCKLES) Well, well. Now, ain't this nice? You come to pay me a visit.

BETTY:

Yes.

MA:

Well, get in the kitchen where we can talk a spell.

BETTY:

Thank you.

CHICKENS:

(CHATTER)

MA:

Git out of the china closet, ya durn chickens! Scat, shoo! Get out of there! Chickens just love to come into my kitchen. As if they didn't have enough room in the parlor. (CHUCKLES)

BETTY:

(CHUCKLES)

MA:

Well, just knock these pots off the chair here.

SFX:

METAL POTS KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR

MA:

Here ya are, honey, set down a spell.

BETTY:

Oh, thank you.

MA:

You're staying for dinner, of course.

BETTY:

Oh, no, thanks. No, I couldn't.

MA:

Oh, sure you will. Now, if you'll just give me a hand settin' the table here.

BETTY:

Oh, certainly.

SFX:

DISHES, UTENSILS CLINK AS LADIES SET THE TABLE ... IN BG

BETTY:

Well-- My, you've got a large table. Relatives visiting you?

MA:

(LAUGHS) They're relatives all right -- eleven kids!

BETTY:

(CHUCKLES IN DISBELIEF)

MA:

Or is it twelve? ... Aw, don't much matter. Tom was tellin' me what real nice people you was.

BETTY:

Oh, Tom's a fine boy -- and, you know, he's so clever.

MA:

Ain't he, though? Not a mite like the rest of us. Makes me stop and wonder sometimes. ...

BETTY:

You know it's a shame he can't go to college.

MA:

College! What fer?!

BETTY:

Oh, so he can make something of himself. If he had a little help, he could go to the state university.

MA:

He been talkin' to ya?

BETTY:

Oh, he wants to go so badly.

MA:

(SADLY) Yeah, I know he does.

BETTY:

It seems such a pity.

MA:

Don't know as we could get along without Tom. We ain't got a live buck in the house 'cept what he brings in. You see, Pa's kind of a dreamer and-- Well, if you'll just get hold of the bell, we'll let the hungry varmints know that dinner's ready.

BETTY:

Oh, certainly.

SFX:

DINNER BELL RINGS ... VERY LOUDLY

MA:

Better clear that doorway, honey, 'fore you get clobbled on!

BETTY:

(CAN'T HEAR) What?!

MA:

I said you better git out of the doorway! Here they come!

BIZ:

NOISY CHATTERING KETTLE CHILDREN RUN INTO THE KITCHEN ... THEN IN BG

SFX:

DINNER BELL OUT

PA:

Howdy, missus.

BETTY:

Howdy.

MA:

Henry! Henry, move over and let the lady git on the bench! Henry!

ALBERT:

I ain't Henry, Ma. I'm Albert. That's Henry over there! Don't you remember?!

MA:

Well, whatever your name is, move over! (TO BETTY) Just make yourself comfortable, honey! Pitch right in!

MFX:

BRIDGE

BOB:

As long as I had to pick up Betty at the Kettles, Miss Putnam, we thought we'd take you up on your invitation and drop in.

HARRIET:

How nice! Welcome to Bella Vista Farm.

BETTY:

Thank you. Bob, I really don't think we should have--

BOB:

Just look at these chicken houses, Betty. Well, maybe someday we'll have a layout like this. If we ever get a contract for our eggs.

HARRIET:

Oh? Well, I'll be glad to speak to Mr. Henty if you like. He's the market agent. He buys all my eggs.

BOB:

Well, I'd certainly appreciate it.

HARRIET:

Oh, he'd do about anything I'd ask him to. He's such a dear.

BETTY:

A young man, I take it?

HARRIET:

Oh, no -- not young. Besides, he has a wife.

BETTY:

Oh, those were the old rules. ...

BOB:

Well, uh, do you think maybe we could take a look around the place, Harriet?

HARRIET:

Oh, just wait 'til you see my Speckled Sussex.

BETTY:

Her what?!

BOB:

Speckled Sussex. That's a breed of hen. It's very special.

BETTY:

Oh.

HARRIET:

(MOVING OFF, CONDESCENDING) This way, Betty dear.

SFX:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... TRUCK ENGINE, THEN IN BG

BETTY:

Bob?

BOB:

Huh?

BETTY:

Do you find Harriet attractive?

BOB:

Well, she knows an awful lot about chickens.

BETTY:

Oh, if that's how you measure your women, where does that leave me?

BOB:

(CHUCKLES) You don't have to know about chickens to be attractive.

BETTY:

Gosh, when I think of the years I spent learning how to be irresistible to my husband -- and all you have to do is cackle. ... (SIGHS, COOL) I wonder if she could at that.

BOB:

Wonder if she could what? Cackle?

BETTY:

No. Take you away from me.

BOB:

Oh, Betty, don't be an idiot.

BETTY:

Well, it's happened before, you know. Men have no sense at all when it comes to women.

BOB:

Hey, will you stop?

BETTY:

Well, it's true. Every man has his danger point. And your danger point might very well be Harriet Putnam's beautiful house and all that expensive farm machinery.

BOB:

Betty, I simply don't understand what's got into ya--

BETTY:

Hey! Look out!

BOB:

(STARTLED) Oh!

SFX:

SQUEAL AND CRASH! AS TRUCK BRAKES HARD AND SLIDES INTO DITCH

BETTY:

Now look what you've done. I just mention Harriet Putnam and the next thing we're in a ditch.

SFX:

HISS OF TIRE GOING FLAT

BETTY:

What's that?

BOB:

That is a flat tire.

SFX:

TRUCK DOOR OPENS

BOB:

(MOVING OFF, TO BACK OF TRUCK) Ah, it's lucky I bought a new jack or we'd really be stuck.

SFX:

BOB RUMMAGES THROUGH TRUCK

BOB:

(OFF) Hey, that's funny. I left it right here in the back of the truck.

BETTY:

Left what?

BOB:

(MOVING ON) The jack! That new jack I bought.

BETTY:

Oh, that.

BOB:

(PAUSE) Where is it?

BETTY:

Well, I - I - I used it yesterday to prop open the screen door so that Sport-- It's probably right there now.

BOB:

(PAUSE) Well, all we need now to make the day perfect is for it to rain.

SFX:

CLAP! OF THUNDER ... THEN RAIN POURS DOWN

BETTY:

You had to open your big mouth.

MFX:

BRIDGE ... "THIS IS THE LIFE"

SFX:

RAIN AND THUNDER ... THEN IN BG ... TRUCK SQUEAKS TO A STOP

BOB:

Well, it only took us two hours on a flat tire but we made it. We're home again.

BETTY:

Oh, Bob, look!

BOB:

What's the matter?

BETTY:

My garden! It's washed away! It's a regular waterfall.

BOB:

Well, now, Betty, when you insisted on planting your garden there, I--

BETTY:

Oh, no, don't say it! You told me so!

BOB:

(SYMPATHETIC) Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

BETTY:

(STARTS TO CRY) Bob, we've got to get away from here before it's too late. Don't you see? They - they don't want us here. The mountains, and the rain, and the wind. They're - they're fighting us all the time!

BOB:

(SOOTHING) Oh, now, Betty, it'll be all right.

BETTY:

(BREAKS DOWN COMPLETELY) No! We've got to get away from before we lose everything! Before we lose each other!

SFX:

TRUCK DOOR OPENS ... BETTY RUNS AWAY

BOB:

Betty! Betty, wait!

SFX:

BOB RUNS AFTER HER ... RUNS ONTO PORCH

BOB:

Now, look, honey--

SFX:

THUMP!

BOB:

(IN PAIN) Ooooh!

SFX:

THUMPETY-THUMPETY-THUMP! AS BOB FALLS DOWN

BOB:

(PAUSE) Betty?

BETTY:

(IN TEARS) What is it?

BOB:

I found the jack, honey.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

SCREEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT ... BOB'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS INTO HOUSE BEHIND--

BOB:

(EXCITED) Hey, Betty! Betty, where's my gun?! Where's my gun?

BETTY:

In the closet. What's the matter?

BOB:

A cougar!

BETTY:

What?

BOB:

A cougar!

BETTY:

What's that?

BOB:

Something like a mountain lion. Very dangerous.

BETTY:

Oh.

BOB:

He's in our woods back of the house. I just saw him.

BETTY:

Well, won't he just go away?

BOB:

No, he won't go away. Where's Sport? (CALLS) Here, Sport! (TO BETTY) He's a wonderful hunting dog. It'll be a great chance to see how he works.

SPORT:

(BARKS, THEN IN BG)

BOB:

Oh, here you are, Sport. Look at him, Betty, he's rarin' to go. He's got the scent already. Now, stand aside while I let him out.

SFX:

SCREEN DOOR OPENS

BOB:

All right, Sport! After him, boy! After him!

SPORT:

(WHIMPERS AND WHINES)

SFX:

SPORT RUNS BACK TO THE KITCHEN

BOB:

Hey! No! No, this way, Sport! This way! Where're you going?

BETTY:

He went back in the kitchen, dear.

SFX:

SCREEN DOOR SHUTS

BOB:

Sport! Come here!

BETTY:

Look under the stove, Bob. That's where he usually hides. Yesterday, a field mouse almost frightened him to death.

BOB:

Come on, Sport. Sport? Come on out, boy. We're going hunting.

SPORT:

(WHIMPERS IN FEAR, CONTINUES IN BG)

BOB:

Come on. Cougar! Cougar, boy.

BETTY:

(GIGGLES) He's crawling back further.

BOB:

Sport, now-- (GIVES UP) Oh, all right. Stay there.

SFX:

BOB'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY... SCREEN DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS BOB EXITS BEHIND--

BOB:

(MOVING OFF, DISGUSTED) Betty, that - that dog is dishonest.

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) Okay, Sport. The hunter's gone. You can come out, Mr. Vicious.

SPORT:

(BARKS IN RELIEF, THEN SLOBBERS ALL OVER BETTY BEHIND--)

BETTY:

No, no, no! Stop licking me! (LAUGHS)

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

AUTO PULLS UP TO A STOP

HARRIET:

(OFF) Hello!

BETTY:

Oh, hello. (LOW, TO BOB) Bob, your girlfriend's here. Harriet.

BOB:

Oh? What could she want?

BETTY:

Should I guess?

BOB:

No.

SFX:

DOOR, FOOTSTEPS

BOB:

Oh, 'morning, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Say, I'm in trouble.

BETTY:

Oh, you are?

BOB:

What's the matter?

HARRIET:

Just about everything. My generator broke down.

BETTY:

Oh, but you look charming. ...

HARRIET:

My farm's in an uproar, Bob. My foreman hasn't the slightest idea what to do about it.

BOB:

Well, I - I guess I can come over and give you a hand, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Ohhh, will you?

BETTY:

Why don't you get Tom Kettle? He's a genius with machinery.

HARRIET:

Oh, but he's such a boy. This is a man's job.

BETTY:

Yeah, I see what you mean.

HARRIET:

(CONDESCENDING CHUCKLE) Yes.

BOB:

I'll be back for lunch, Betty.

BETTY:

Well, don't rush on my account. I'll go and visit Ma Kettle.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

CHICKENS CLUCK, THEN IN BG

MA:

Come on in, honey. Don't stand on no ceremonies. (TO CHICKENS) Dad-blast it! Shoo! Shoo!

SFX:

CHICKENS CLUCK AND SCATTER

BETTY:

I brought you something, Ma. It's a present.

MA:

For me?

BETTY:

Yep.

SFX:

PACKAGE UNWRAPPED

MA:

Jiminy whizz!

BETTY:

It's a dress. I made it myself.

MA:

(OVERCOME) Well, drat my hide and call me a possum!

BETTY:

I thought you might like to wear it Saturday night. You're going to the dance, aren't you?

MA:

Am I! Why, I just can't imagine why you went to all this trouble for me.

BETTY:

Oh, it was fun.

MA:

Well, get some cookies out of that cabinet, honey; I'll pour us some coffee.

BETTY:

Oh, I'd love some coffee. (OFF) This cabinet here?

MA:

That's it, honey. I'll--

SFX:

DISHES, POTS, GLASSES, ET CETERA, POUR OUT OF CABINET AND CRASH TO THE FLOOR

BETTY:

I'm so sorry!

MA:

Ohhh, pay it no mind. Just leave it on the floor. Might as well be one place as another. ... You know, I used to be as neat as the next one, but Pa's an awful lazy old so-and-so and it was fight, fight, fight all the time. So finally I give it up. I says, "I can't make Pa change and be neat, so I'll change and be dirty." ... Been peace in the house ever since. Sit down, honey.

BETTY:

What's that you're working on, Ma?

MA:

This? This here's a quilt.

BETTY:

Oh, say, it's perfectly beautiful.

MA:

Figured it'll be something real nice to leave the kids when I die.

BETTY:

Well, why don't you enter it in the county fair? Oh, I mean it. Really, you should!

MA:

County fair? What in tarnation fer?

BETTY:

Well, you might win first prize. That's five hundred dollars, and then - then you wouldn't need Tom for a while. He could enter college.

MA:

(SKEPTICAL) Ohhh. 'Tain't no use. Birdie Hicks'll win first prize. She wangles things every year so's one of her relations gets on the judgin' committee.

BETTY:

Well, now, you could try.

MA:

Oh, I've got a better idea, honey. When this quilt's finished, I'm givin' it to you.

BETTY:

Oh, no, I couldn't. No.

MA:

No use arguin'. This here's your quilt. Now, about the dance. You and your old man's goin', ain't ya?

BETTY:

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world. My, this is nice, strong coffee.

MA:

Know why? Never put hardly no water in it. Rusts the bones. ... Well, drink up, honey. Drink up.

SFX:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

MFX:

DANCE TUNE ... PLAYED BY BAND AT COUNTY FAIR ... CONTINUES IN BG

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLKS MURMUR, IN BG

BETTY:

Bob, I just can't believe it! You and I actually dancing again!

BOB:

Having fun?

BETTY:

Am I! I haven't had so much fun--

SFX:

BOB COLLIDES WITH HARRIET

HARRIET:

Ooh!

BOB:

Oh, I'm sorry, I--

HARRIET:

Well, greetings! Isn't this quaint? Oh, this is Mr. Henty.

BOB:

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Henty?

HARRIET:

I've been working on Mr. Henty to give you that egg contract, Bob. I've got him practically to the signing point, haven't I, Homer?

HENTY:

Well, of course, we don't like any new obligations these days--

HARRIET:

Don't worry, Bob, it's in the bag. (MOVING OFF) Waltz me around, Homer.

BETTY:

Quite a character.

BOB:

Yes, isn't he?

BETTY:

I mean her.

BOB:

Oh, she's all right, Betty. Mighty nice of her to go to all that trouble. We could sure use that egg contract.

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLKS MURMUR ... FADES OUT WITH--

MFX:

UP ... THEN FADES OUT

SFX:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THEN FADE IN CRICKETS CHIRPING, IN BG

HARRIET:

My, it was warm in there. Well, let's sit down a minute, Bob. Where's Betty?

BOB:

Oh, she's still dancing. Having the time of her life. Now, Harriet, about those poults--

HARRIET:

Can't we talk about something besides chickens? Bob, what about you -- and, uh, Betty? Does she like being a farmer's wife?

BOB:

Oh, sure, she's crazy about it.

HARRIET:

You know, men are such fools about women. Invariably, they marry the wrong one.

BOB:

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

HARRIET:

(LAUGHS) All my ex-husbands did.

BOB:

(CHUCKLE)

HARRIET:

Bob, must you sit so far away?

BOB:

Oh, er-- I, uh--

SFX:

LADY'S SHOE, THROWN, HITS BOB IN HEAD, THEN FALLS TO GROUND

BOB:

Ow!

HARRIET:

What was that?

BOB:

Well, something just bopped me on the head. Hey, look. It's a shoe.

HARRIET:

Darling! Are you hurt?

BOB:

No, but, er, the party's getting rough. (MOVING OFF) Excuse me, I think I'd better go in.

MFX:

DANCE TUNE HAS ALREADY BEGUN ... FILLS A PAUSE, CONTINUES IN BG

BETTY:

(INNOCENTLY) Getting some air?

BOB:

(SUSPICIOUS) How long have you been out here?

BETTY:

Me? I-- Oh, I just came out this minute. Are you having a good time?

BOB:

Somebody hit me on the head with this shoe.

BETTY:

(FEIGNED SURPRISE) No. What for?

BOB:

Just trying to be funny, I guess.

BETTY:

Oh, for heaven's sake.

SFX:

BOB THROWS SHOE AWAY

BETTY:

(PANICS) Oh, no! Don't throw it away! It-- It's mine! ...

BOB:

(JUST AS HE THOUGHT) Uh huh. So it was you.

BETTY:

Yes, now you go right out there and get it.

BOB:

What was the idea?

BETTY:

It must be over there in those bushes.

BOB:

I repeat, "What was the idea?"

BETTY:

(EMBARRASSED CHUCKLE) Oh, I didn't mean to hit you, honest. I meant to hit her. (CHUCKLES) ... Did it hurt?

BOB:

Of course it hurt! Betty, I don't see why you don't like Harriet; she likes you. She said she admires you very much.

BETTY:

Oh, now she's saying nice things about me. Well, that's just why I don't like her. I don't--

BOB:

Now, you're being childish. We just walked out here--

BETTY:

I am not being childish!

BOB:

Shh!

BETTY:

That barnyard glamour girl is setting a trap for you and you're just goofy enough to fall into it.

BOB:

You know, I don't like to point, but you're beginning to make a noise like a jealous female. And it isn't becoming.

BETTY:

Well, just exactly what has she got that I haven't got? Except chickens.

BOB:

Well, for one thing, she hasn't got me -- as you seem to think.

BETTY:

Well, it's hardly noticeable. Every time I look around, you've got your heads together. It's getting monotonous.

BOB:

Well, I should think you could trust me. In my book, a marriage without trust doesn't amount to much.

BETTY:

Oh, it's Miss Dreamy-puss I don't trust.

BOB:

Oh. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.

BETTY:

You know, if I had a farm like hers and running water and plumbing, I'd have more time to concentrate on you, too.

BOB:

Oh, so it isn't me you're jealous about, it's her farm.

BETTY:

Well, I'd like to see her carry a couple of pails of water every morning from the well to the house, that's all!

BOB:

Well, what do you want to do, Betty? Give up? All you have to do is say the word, you know.

BETTY:

Well, when are we going to get a farm like that, with machines and gadgets and little men running around all over the place doing things?

BOB:

Oh, when we've earned it.

BETTY:

Ohhhh! Did she earn it?

BOB:

Well, it's different with her. Her farm's a hobby. With me, it's a - it's a cause. I want to carve it out of rock with my bare hands.

BETTY:

Yeah, and mine, don't forget. ... Just look at them, will ya? You'd never believe they used to get a manicure twice a week and never did anything rougher than play the piano.

BOB:

Well, if you ask me, they're being a lot more useful. You should be very proud of them.

BETTY:

I've got a great idea. Why don't you poison me and marry her? You'd make a wonderful husband for her.

BOB:

Oh, fine! Fine! I like that. We could spend our honeymoon in the electric chair, thinking about you. ...

VOICE:

Attention, folks! Attention!

MFX:

BAND OUT

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLKS MURMUR

VOICE:

Sheriff Drum's got a very important announcement.

BOB:

Hey, what's going on in there? We better go in and see what's up.

BETTY:

What about my shoe?

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLKS BUZZ WITH CURIOSITY ... THEN SUBSIDE BEHIND--

SHERIFF:

Don't like to interrupt the dance, folks, but is Pa Kettle here?

PA:

Right here, sheriff.

SHERIFF:

Pa, you better get along home. Your barn's on fire.

PA:

Jehoshaphat!

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLKS REACT

SHERIFF:

I told you that still of yours would blow up someday, and by golly, it did! But that ain't all, folks. A wind's come up and we've got a man-sized forest fire on our hands. Who's the new owner of the old Bailey farm?

BOB:

Well, that's us, sheriff. We are.

SHERIFF:

Better get movin', son. Fire's headed straight for your place. Got anything worth savin', better get it and run.

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLKS REACT

BOB:

Come on, Betty.

MFX:

TO A FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

We pause now for station identification. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MFX:

LUX SIGNATURE FILLS THE PAUSE ... THEN OUT

KEIGHLEY:

In just a moment, we'll return with Act Three of "The Egg and I" starring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray.

When the same lovely face appears time after time on the covers of national magazines, Hollywood talent scouts sit up and take notice. I'm sure Miss Jane Adams, actress at Universal-International, will bear me out on that statement. How 'bout it, Jane?

JANE ADAMS:

Well, Mr. Keighley, I guess I'm not the only girl whose job as a model led to a movie career. But I think my experience as a radio actress helped a lot, too.

KEIGHLEY:

I'm sure it did. We remember with pleasure your earlier appearances on the Lux Radio Theatre. You know, when a producer finds dramatic talent combined with beauty, he knows he's in luck.

JANE ADAMS:

I know what you mean by that, Mr. Keighley, when I watch Ella Raines before the camera. I used to visit the set of her new picture, "The Web," almost every day.

KEIGHLEY:

Must have been an exciting picture to watch being filmed. It had some fine male stars, too.

JANE ADAMS:

Oh, yes. Edmond O'Brien, William Bendix, and Vincent Price. A wonderful cast and they all worked hard.

KEIGHLEY:

Ella Raines was married recently.

JANE ADAMS:

Yes, she was a bride of only a few weeks when she was given her role in "The Web." In spite of long hours at the studio, she managed to have breakfast every day with her new husband -- only it had to be at five A. M.!

KEIGHLEY:

(CHUCKLES)

JANE ADAMS:

"Imagine," Ella Raines said to me, "having to look one's best at five in the morning!"

KEIGHLEY:

(CHUCKLES) Well, knowing Ella, I don't think that would be too difficult.

JANE ADAMS:

Oh, she always looks fresh as a flower! -- with that lovely smooth skin of hers. I guess Mr. Kennedy here would say it pays to be a Lux girl.

ANNOUNCER:

I'd say that it's a wise girl who depends on daily Lux Soap care for complexion beauty.

JANE ADAMS:

And so would I, Mr. Kennedy. When I was a model, I learned what a really effective care Active Lather facials with Lux Soap can be. Ella Raines says it's wonderful to have a care that's so easy, too. She always has Lux Toilet Soap in her dressing room for a quick beauty facial.

ANNOUNCER:

Perhaps you'll tell us, Miss Adams, just how she uses her beauty soap.

JANE ADAMS:

Why, the same way I do. I just smooth a Lux Soap lather well in, rinse with warm water, then cold, and pat my face dry with a soft towel. The lather's so rich and fragrant, it's a joy to smooth it over your skin.

ANNOUNCER:

Thank you, Miss Jane Adams. Beauty facials with Lux Toilet Soap really leave skin softer, smoother. Tests by skin specialists prove it. Actually, three out of four complexions improved in a short time with this gentle daily care. (BEAT) We return you now to William Keighley.

KEIGHLEY:

Act Three of "The Egg and I" starring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray.

MFX:

FOR A SOMBER INTRO ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

KEIGHLEY:

It's early the next morning. Bob and Betty stand motionless, gazing soberly at the desolate scene about them. The fire is out, but the farm and the forest is little more than a smoldering ruin. [X]

BOB:

(SIGHS) Not very pretty, is it? Well, anyway, it rained before the house burned, too.

BETTY:

Take a lot of building to get this place started again.

BOB:

Yeah. New barns, new chicken houses. Plant a new orchard. Lot of work for somebody.

BETTY:

Well, when do we begin?

BOB:

We? Oh, no, Betty, I - I know when I'm licked.

BETTY:

Well, what's the matter with you? Oh, Bob! Now, look, they built up Chicago after the fire, didn't they? And San Francisco. Well, if they could rebuild a couple of cities, we ought to be able to build up a chicken farm.

BOB:

Betty, you - you mean you want to? You really want to?

BETTY:

Yes. I really want to.

BOB:

(RELIEVED) I don't want to quit, Betty. I - I was just thinking about you. I--

SFX:

APPROACHING AUTOMOBILES

BOB:

Hey, there's a car coming.

BETTY:

Oh, if that's Harriet Putnam, all I can say is, she picked the wrong day.

BOB:

Hey, Betty, look; it's half the county. What are they all coming here for?

SFX:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN ON MORE AUTOS ARRIVING AND THE WALLA OF COUNTY FOLK ... SUBSIDES BEHIND--

SHERIFF:

Well, Bob, Betty -- I guess you're wondering why we're all here. Well, you took a bad beating here last night; pretty much of everything gone. Now I don't want you to get the idea we've come here with charity; it's nothing of the sort. But we would like to help. So, if you'll just sort of stand back, I'm gonna call off the names of these folks here and see just how we stand. Mr. and Mrs. Pettigrew?

PETTIGREW:

We're givin' two young pigs and the corn to feed 'em!

SHERIFF:

Mr. Henty?

HENTY:

A two-year contract for their entire output of eggs, and a cash advance -- uh, within reason, of course.

BETTY:

(OVERCOME, QUIETLY) Bob!

BOB:

(TOUCHED, QUIETLY) I just don't know what to say.

SHERIFF:

Mrs. Putnam?

HARRIET:

One dozen Speckled Sussex hens.

SHERIFF:

Pa Kettle?

PA:

Six two-by-fours, two pounds of nails, and a hammer and saw. ...

MA:

And a quart of green paint!

SHERIFF:

Joe Burnheimer and wife?

JOE:

One week's work of tractor.

SHERIFF:

Doc Wilson? (FADES OUT BEHIND--)

MFX:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SFX:

TRUCK ENGINE ... THEN IN BG

BOB:

What are you thinking about, Betty?

BETTY:

I just can't get over it. Our neighbors. All they've done to help us get started again.

BOB:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, me, either. Well, I guess we'll be seeing most of them at the fair today. Hey, we're gonna be late if we don't hurry.

BETTY:

Oh, take it easy. The fairgrounds don't open till ten o'clock.

BOB:

Yeah, we want to get there before the crowd.

BETTY:

Bob, I've got a terrible confession to make. I've never been to a county fair before in all my life.

BOB:

You haven't?

BETTY:

No.

BOB:

Well, you haven't lived!

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) I'll never get a chance to if Ma Kettle finds out I've entered her quilt in the competition. Oh, Bob, she's got to win first prize. She's got to.

BOB:

Who's judging the quilts?

BETTY:

It's that traveling salesman -- you know, that impossible man, Billy Reed.

BOB:

Yeah. "When you're out of socks or cinnamon seed, just open the door to Billy Reed."

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) For six months, he's been driving me crazy.

BOB:

You better be nice to him today, honey -- if he's the judge.

BETTY:

Oh, don't worry, I intend to.

SFX:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN FAIRGROUND CROWD

BETTY:

Ma Kettle! Hello!

MA:

Oh, mornin', honey. Just saw your old man there lookin' at Miss Putnam's prize cows.

BETTY:

That's quite a family resemblance, don't you think?

MA:

(LAUGHS) Land o' Goshen, I just gotta set for a minute.

HENRIETTA:

(APPROACHES) Ma! Hey, Ma, can I have a nickel?!

MA:

Oh, for goodness sakes, Ellie, I give you a nickel a little while ago.

HENRIETTA:

But I'm not Ellie, Ma. I'm Henrietta. You give Ellie the nickel.

MA:

Ohhhh. Well, all right. Here's a nickel. Now, stretch it out for the rest of the day!

HENRIETTA:

Thanks, ma! (MOVING OFF) Hey, Albert! Albert!

BETTY:

(LAUGHS)

MA:

Ain't young'uns a nuisance, though? Just wait'll you have yours.

BETTY:

Oh, well, it won't be for a while yet. It's not on our schedule.

MA:

Schedule?! They have 'em by schedule these days?

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) Oh, come along, Ma. Let's get over to the judging stand.

MA:

You ain't gone and entered somethin', have ya?

BETTY:

Me? Oh, no. I - I'm just interested.

BILLY REED:

And, on the spot, in your hour of need / the housewife's friend, called Billy Reed!

MA:

Oh, mornin', Mr. Reed. Say, that's some badge you're wearin' there.

BILLY REED:

Just vice president in charge of practically all the household judgin'.

BETTY:

You don't say?

BILLY REED:

Yes, ma'am. Got my own booth here, too. Need any bath salts, tea bags, sheep dip, curtain rods, weed killer? Got a fine line of eyeglasses, safety pins, carpet tacks and imported sardines.

BETTY:

Ma, I'll see ya later.

BILLY REED:

You gonna buy somethin', missus?

BETTY:

Well, I might at that, Mr. Reed -- if you have time before you start judging.

BILLY REED:

Time? I've got all the time in the world. I've got alarm clocks, mantel clocks, kitchen clocks, grandfather clocks-- (FADES OUT BEHIND--)

SFX:

FAIRGROUND CROWD, UP FOR PUNCTUATION ... THEN FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN SMALLER, QUIETER FAIRGROUND CROWD WITH AN OCCASIONAL MOOING COW, IN BG

BOB:

Four first prizes, Harriet. Well, you sure deserve 'em; you've got a wonderful farm.

HARRIET:

Oh, I used to think it would be so wonderful to hide away and be a lady farmer, but a prize Hereford is small solace on a cold winter evening.

BOB:

(CHUCKLES) Well, that shouldn't be too hard to remedy -- for you.

HARRIET:

But all the best men are taken.

BOB:

Well, uh, why don't you sell the farm then?

HARRIET:

You in the market for it?

BOB:

Me? I'm afraid your place is way over my head.

HARRIET:

Don't be so sure.

BOB:

How much would it take?

HARRIET:

Make me an offer.

BOB:

Well, I - I'd have to examine it first.

HARRIET:

Naturally.

BOB:

Well, I could come out tomorrow.

HARRIET:

Why not now?

BOB:

Now?

HARRIET:

Well, why not?

BOB:

Well, all right, I'll find Betty and tell her that--

HARRIET:

Oh, don't be silly. We'll be back before we're even missed.

BOB:

Well, I guess it shouldn't take long, should it?

HARRIET:

Of course not, darling. Not long at all.

SFX:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN FAIRGROUND CROWD

BILLY REED:

And now, folks, the five-hundred-dollar first prize award for patchwork quiltin'! After six years of top honors, Mrs. Birdie Hicks has got to take second place this year. First prize goes to Mrs. Ma Kettle!

BIZ:

COUNTRY FOLK CHEER AND APPLAUD

BETTY:

Ma! Ma, you've won first prize!

MA:

Huh?! Well, hack me down and chop me up for kindlin'!

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

FADE IN FAIRGROUND CROWD

BILLY REED:

Well, missus, I sure kept my part of the bargain.

BETTY:

Yes, you certainly did, Mr. Reed -- although any fool could tell that Ma's quilt deserved first prize.

BILLY REED:

Lot of folks named Hicks in this county, missus.

BETTY:

Well, you can send us that portable billiard table any time you're ready.

BILLY REED:

And a set of encyclopedias? That's what you said before.

BETTY:

And a set of encyclopedias.

BILLY REED:

Thanks, missus! Ain't sold a set of them things since Nineteen-Three-Six.

SFX:

FAIRGROUND CROWD UP, FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

TOM:

And Ma won that, Miss Betty? Five hundred dollars?!

BETTY:

Yes. Don't you see, Tom? Now you can go to college. Isn't that--? (SUDDENLY FEELS FAINT) Oh--

TOM:

Miss Betty! What's the matter?

BETTY:

Oh, I don't know. I - I feel--

TOM:

(CALLS) Ma?! Miss Betty -- she's fainted!

SFX:

FAIRGROUND CROWD MURMURS CONCERN ("Get out of the way!" "Give her some air!") ... SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

BETTY:

(WAKES) Ma? Where are we?

MA:

First Aid room, honey. Now, you feelin' better? I sent Tom to look for Bob.

BETTY:

Well, what happened to me? I - I never fainted before in my life.

MA:

Honey, you better stop by Doc Wilson's.

BETTY:

Oh, nonsense. What for?

MA:

(DELICATELY) Honey, you sure you looked at the schedule lately? ...

BETTY:

What?!

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR ... DOOR OPENS

BETTY:

(CALLS) Bob?! Bob, is that you?! You-- (SEES) Oh!

EMILY:

I - I just walked in. Do you mind?

BETTY:

Oh, of course not. I--

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

BETTY:

I thought it was my husband. Won't you sit down?

EMILY:

Oh, thank you.

BETTY:

My husband hasn't come home yet from the fair and I thought-- You know, I don't seem to remember having met you before.

EMILY:

Well, we - we don't get around as much as we used to. Do we, Edward?

BETTY:

I beg your pardon?

EMILY:

Oh, uh, this is my husband. This is Edward.

BETTY:

Where--? But there's nobody--

EMILY:

He's so retiring. Sometimes people just don't notice Edward at all.

BETTY:

(REALIZES) Oh. (HUMORS HER, NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Well, how do you do?

EMILY:

(INCREASINGLY CREEPY) We used to have a chicken farm, too. Didn't we, Edward? Till Charlotte came.

BETTY:

Charlotte?

EMILY:

Yes, dear. Charlotte was just an ordinary little chicken when she was hatched. But as time went on, she got bigger and bigger and bigger, until she was so high. Higher even than a man.

SPORT:

(WAILS FORLORNLY)

BETTY:

(UNNERVED) It's all right, Sport. I think.

EMILY:

And that's when I began to notice that Charlotte wasn't being friendly. She used to look at us as if she could just peck us to pieces. Didn't she, Edward? And then one night, Edward and I, we heard a knock on the door. Just like this.

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR ... DOOR OPENS

BETTY:

(STARTLED CRY, THEN RELIEVED) Sheriff!

SHERIFF:

Well, here you are, Emily. I figgered I'd find you here.

EMILY:

(CALMLY) Oh. You.

SHERIFF:

You've been a bad girl, Emily.

EMILY:

(CHUCKLES) Come along, Edward. He found us again.

SHERIFF:

Help her to the car, Joe. (TO BETTY) Poor soul. Hope she didn't disturb you too much.

BETTY:

Oh, no. I enjoyed every minute of it.

SHERIFF:

Emily's harmless enough. But she gets away once in a while. She always comes here, you know.

BETTY:

Here?

SHERIFF:

Oh, yes. She and her husband used to own this place. Then one day Edward up and ran off with another gal. Ain't seen hide nor hair of him since. Drove Emily plumb loco.

BETTY:

(REACTS UNHAPPILY) You, uh, you haven't seen any sign of Bob, have you, sheriff? ...

SHERIFF:

No, ma'am, I haven't. Well, sleep tight.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

BETTY:

(BEAT, IN TEARS, TO HERSELF) Ten o'clock at night. He leaves me all alone -- with lunatics running all over the place, with husbands you can't see and chickens bigger than a man. (SOBS) You can't do this to me, Bob! I won't put up with it! I just won't put up with it!

SFX:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN TRUCK ENGINE WHICH PULLS TO A STOP BEHIND--

BETTY:

(CALLS) Bob?! Bob?!

SFX:

BETTY'S HURRIED FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

BETTY:

(CALLS) Bob, where--?! (DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

WORKER:

Got a message for ya, ma'am.

BETTY:

What is it?

WORKER:

Well, your husband says he's been delayed and not to wait up for him.

BETTY:

Thank you.

WORKER:

Any answer?

BETTY:

Wait a minute. Haven't I seen you at Miss Putnam's farm?

WORKER:

Well, that's right, ma'am. That's where I work.

BETTY:

(UPSET) Oh, you do, do you? Well, there is an answer. Just tell my husband I'm through!

MFX:

BRIDGE

MOTHER:

Drink your coffee, Betty. Toast?

BETTY:

No, thank you, mother.

MOTHER:

Well, what's upsetting you now?

BETTY:

Upsetting me? Nothing.

MOTHER:

Don't kid me. The mailman was here and no letter from Bob.

BETTY:

Oh, please, mother.

MOTHER:

For weeks, he sent you a letter every day, and for weeks, you sent them back unopened. No wonder he's stopped writing.

BETTY:

Well, if he had any real interest in me, he'd have been here months ago.

MOTHER:

In my opinion, both you and Bob are behaving very stupidly. Especially you, my darling -- not even letting him know he's about to become a father.

BETTY:

Mother, we've been over all this.

MOTHER:

All right, all right. A perfectly good marriage breaking up because of a lot of stubbornness.

BETTY:

It's not stubbornness. It's - it's eggs and Harriet Putnam. (TEARFUL) I'll never go back to him, do you hear? Never.

MFX:

BRIDGE

BABY:

(CRYING)

MOTHER:

Grandchild or not, Betty, this is undoubtedly the most beautiful baby I've ever seen in my life.

BETTY:

(CHUCKLES WARMLY) Oh, mother, isn't it funny how a little bit of nothing makes everything else so unimportant?

MOTHER:

Like what, for instance?

BETTY:

Oh, like fights and jealousies and doing crazy things that really don't make any difference anyway.

MOTHER:

(KNOWINGLY) Mm hm.

BETTY:

Did - did the tickets get here yet?

MOTHER:

Tickets? What tickets?

BETTY:

Oh, didn't Emmy tell you? My train reservations.

MOTHER:

(SURPRISED) To - to the mountains? The chicken farm?

BETTY:

Well, of course. I'm going back to Bob, mother -- naturally.

MOTHER:

(WRY) Naturally. (GENUINE) Well, thank heavens, you changed your mind.

BETTY:

Say, I think it's about time I changed something else, too. Hold her a second, will you, darling?

SFX:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... CAB ENGINE HUMS, THEN IN BG

JOE:

Sure glad I happened to be at the railroad station, miss.

BETTY:

I'm certainly glad you started a taxi business, Joe. (INHALES HAPPILY) Oh, my, it's good to be back again.

JOE:

Say, didn't you even send your husband a telegram?

BETTY:

(NO) Uh uh. I thought it'd be so much better to surprise him.

BABY:

(GURGLES PLAYFULLY)

BETTY:

You see? The baby thinks so, too. (TO BABY) Oh, darling, just wait till you see him. He's a pretty nice fella in many ways. Of course, he has some strange ideas about how to live and - and he can be taken in by any designing female. But he's really swell. And he's awfully cute. You could do a lot worse than to grow up to be just like him. (TO JOE) Couldn't she, Joe?

JOE:

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

SFX:

CAB SLOWS TO A STOP

JOE:

Well, here we are.

BETTY:

Well, what are you stopping here for? This is the Putnam place. This is Bella Vista Farms.

JOE:

It sure is, missus. That's where he lives now.

BETTY:

(STUNNED) Oh, no!

JOE:

(BEAT) Well, ain't you goin' to go in?

BETTY:

Go in?! You turn right around and drive me back to that railroad station.

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

CAB ENGINE HUMS, THEN IN BG

BABY:

(GURGLES)

BETTY:

Oh, you poor child. It's not your fault he's your father. Don't you worry, darling. They say there's nothing to heredity. Oh, I only wish I had him here for one minute. I'd show him. And that woman, too! I-- I-- (CALLS) Joe?! Joe, stop this taxi cab!

JOE:

Huh?

BETTY:

Turn right around and take us right back to Bella Vista Farms!

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

CAB SLOWS TO A STOP ... CAB DOOR OPENS

BETTY:

I won't be long, Joe. Would you mind holding the baby for a minute?

JOE:

Huh? Well, ain't I gonna get to see nothin'?

BETTY:

No, but you're going to hear plenty!

SFX:

BETTY POUNDS ON DOOR

SPORT:

(BARKS)

BETTY:

Sport! Don't you wag your tail at me, you traitor!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BOB:

Betty!

BETTY:

Don't you "Betty" me, you bluebeard!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTS

BETTY:

(EXHALES) Oh, I suppose you could hardly wait till I got out of your way so you could move in here with that silly woman and her - her station wagon and her automatic milkers!

BOB:

Now, Betty, just wait a minute--

BETTY:

And just wait till she finds out you're more interested in her automatic milkers than you are in her, that's all!

BOB:

Now, listen to me, Betty--

BETTY:

I gave you the best years of my life!

BOB:

One year! ...

BETTY:

Well, it seemed like ten! And for what, I'd like to know? Just so you could run off with the first idiot that made goo-goo eyes at you!

BOB:

Are you through?

BETTY:

Yes -- for the moment.

BOB:

Well, then I'd like to say something. To begin with, I'm not sharing this farm with Harriet Putnam, as you seem to think. I'm living here by myself. And do you know why? Do you want to know why? Because my wife walked out before I had a chance to tell her that I'd bought this farm for her.

BETTY:

You what?

BOB:

Yes, I bought it. I hocked everything I owned in the world -- that we owned -- to make the down payment. I wanted to surprise you with it because you were so wonderful and worked so hard. And don't think I didn't know it and appreciate it.

BETTY:

(STUNNED) Bob!

BOB:

And then what happens? The very night I close the deal and go home -- what do I find? A big sign painted on the wall -- "I'm through!" In green paint, just like that.

BETTY:

(APOLOGETIC) Bob, I - I didn't know.

BOB:

Well, if you'd had the decency to read my letters, you'd have known.

BETTY:

Oh. Oh, I'm so terribly sorry.

BOB:

Well, after all, I--

BETTY:

(STARTS TO CRY, CONTINUES IN BG)

BOB:

Oh, gosh, Betty. Am I glad to see you. Now, don't cry, honey, please. Hey -- you know what day this is?

BETTY:

(THROUGH TEARS) Uh huh.

BOB:

Happy anniversary.

BETTY:

(TOUCHED) Ohhh.

BOB:

I mean, happy day after our anniversary.

BETTY:

Same to you, darling.

BOB:

Hey, look. Here's our old calendar. You remember this?

BETTY:

What?

BOB:

This date. May the eleventh. Mother's Day.

BETTY:

Oh. (CHUCKLES THROUGH TEARS)

BOB:

We're a little off schedule, aren't we? But-- Hey! Hey, where you going?

BETTY:

(OFF) Don't worry, darling! We'll make it!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BETTY:

Thanks, Joe. I'll take her now. (RETURNING, TO BOB) Well, right on schedule!

BOB:

(STUNNED) Huh? (REALIZES, HAPPILY) Well - well, yeah!

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) Well, aren't you even going to hold--?

BOB:

Sure! Sure I'm gonna hold him! What's his name?

BETTY:

Anne.

BOB:

(MILDLY DISAPPOINTED) Oh. ... (RECOVERS) Well, glad to know you, Anne.

PA:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Mr. Bob! Mr. Bob!

BOB:

(CALLS) Uh, we're in here, Pa!

PA:

(APPROACHES) Ya better come right away! We got trouble in the chicken house!

BOB:

Not those water pipes again?

PA:

Busted wide open! (TO BETTY) Oh, howdy, missus.

BETTY:

(HER OLD SELF AGAIN) Howdy!

PA:

(TO BOB) Eh, them hens is goin' crazy!

BOB:

Well, let's get going!

PA:

Yeah.

BETTY:

Bob! Bob! Must you take the baby with you?

BOB:

Oh! Oh. Oh, here ya are, honey. Be careful. Now, don't go away, you two! (MOVING OFF, TO PA) I knew those doggone water pipes would break at a time like this--!

BETTY:

(TO AUDIENCE) Do you see what I mean, folks? I could write a book.

MFX:

"THE LOVE NEST" ... TO A FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

We leave Bob to wrestle with the water and Betty to wrestle with her book, and turn our attention to the footlights where tonight's stars, Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray, are making a return appearance. I'm sure you two have awakened a national interest in the art of chicken farming.

COLBERT:

Well, Bill, after working with a couple of thousand leghorns on the set, I don't feel I could ever eat another chicken.

MacMURRAY:

Yes, it's sort of difficult to eat your own co-stars. It's almost like cannibalism.

KEIGHLEY:

(LAUGHS) You feel that way, too, Fred, huh? Almost as if they were human.

MacMURRAY:

Well, they are, sort of. Y'see, I used to raise chickens when I was a kid back in Beaver Dam.

COLBERT:

How'd you get along with them?

MacMURRAY:

Well, I was usually very polite. When I went into the hen house, I'd say, uh, "Ladies, won't you set?"

KEIGHLEY:

(LAUGHS) And you found that's the way to get results, huh?

MacMURRAY:

Well, that's the polite approach, Bill. When that doesn't work, you shame them into it.

COLBERT:

What do you mean "shame them into it"?

MacMURRAY:

Well, you hang a sign on the hatchery saying, "Last one out's a rotten egg."

COLBERT:

Oh! (LAUGHS) Oh, we'd better stop this. Bill, what's hatching for next Monday night?

KEIGHLEY:

Next week, I can promise you we'll have our audience sitting on the edges of their chairs with Columbia's spine-tingling melodrama "Johnny O'Clock." And our stars are Dick Powell, Evelyn Keyes and Lee Cobb -- all from the original screen cast. "Johnny O'Clock" is a fast-moving mystery combining murder, gunplay and romance -- an exciting antidote for that spring fever lethargy.

COLBERT:

I'm sure your many fans are going to love it, Bill.

KEIGHLEY:

And, speaking of Lux fans, I hope you count yourself as one of them, Claudette.

COLBERT:

(LAUGHS) Oh, you're safe there. I couldn't give any better advice to the women in your audience than to pin their faith on Lux Soap! That's what I do when it comes to my complexion.

MacMURRAY:

And I, for one, approve of the results, Claudette.

COLBERT:

Oh, thank you very much. (CHUCKLES)

MacMURRAY:

(CHUCKLES)

COLBERT:

Good night, Bill.

MacMURRAY:

Good night.

KEIGHLEY:

Good night and thanks for a very entertaining hour.

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MFX:

LUX THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG

KEIGHLEY:

Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday evening, when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Dick Powell, Evelyn Keyes and Lee Cobb in "Johnny O'Clock." This is William Keighley saying good night to you from Hollywood.

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MFX:

LUX THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG UNTIL APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Men, if you're between seventeen and forty or a Navy veteran of any age, now is your opportunity to join the Civilian Naval Reserve. You keep your civilian status and for only two hours a week receive valuable training plus a full day's pay. For further information, contact your nearest Naval recruiting station.

"The Egg and I" was adapted and produced for the screen by Chester Erskine and Fred F. Finklehoffe. Fred MacMurray will next be seen in the Universal-International picture "Singapore." Heard in our cast tonight were -- Elvia Allman as Ma Kettle, Frances Robinson as Harriet Putnam, Bill Johnstone as Pa Kettle and Janet Scott, Billy Roy, Tim Graham, Charles Seel, Noreen Gammill, Ira Grossel, Norman Field, Cliff Clark, Earl Lee, Lois Kennison, Howard Jeffrey, Bobby Ellis and Vance Colvig. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers.

This program is rebroadcast to our servicemen and women overseas through the worldwide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio Service. And this is your announcer, John Milton Kennedy, reminding you to join us again next Monday night to hear "Johnny O'Clock" with Dick Powell, Evelyn Keyes and Lee Cobb.

SFX:

APPLAUSE ... FADES OUT FOR--

MFX:

JINGLE FOR COMMERCIAL--

SPRY ANNCR:

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SINGER:

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SPRY ANNCR:

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SINGER:

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SPRY ANNCR:

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SINGER:

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SPRY ANNCR:

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SINGER:

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MFX:

JINGLE OUT ... FADE IN LUX THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

Be sure to listen next Monday night to the Lux Radio Theatre presentation of "Johnny O'Clock" with Dick Powell, Evelyn Keyes and Lee Cobb. And why not tune in to Joan Davis every Monday night over most of these stations?

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SFX:

APPLAUSE UNTIL END