HOST: ... We present now Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Lyon, better known as Bebe and Ben -- Bebe Daniels and Ben Lyon. Their names, I'm sure, are sufficient introduction. Miss Daniels and Mr. Lyon offer tonight a comedy sketch by Mort Lewis, a playlet which considers, in a vein anything but serious, the problems which may arise in the future if women continue to take the place of men as family breadwinners. The time -- twenty years from now, in 1954. The people -- Diana Travers, a tired businesswoman, and George, her husband and -- since this is 1954 -- her housekeeper. George is waiting for Diana to come home from the office. The baby is proving troublesome. Ben Lyon and Bebe Daniels. SOUND: APPLAUSE JUNIOR: (CRYING, CONTINUES IN BG) GEORGE: (HARRIED) Oh, will you stop bawling until I get this thing folded? Now, where are those darn safety pins? Oh, here they are. (SINGS) "Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop ..." JUNIOR: (STOPS CRYING WHEN SINGING BEGINS) GEORGE: (SINGS) "... Junior dear, put Daddy's watch down." (SPEAKS) Put Daddy-- Put Daddy's watch down, Junior dear. (FIRMLY, THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Put Daddy's watch down, dear. (SHOUTS) Put it down! SOUND: SMASH! WATCH HITS THE FLOOR GEORGE: Oh! Oh, now look at my watch! JUNIOR: (STARTS CRYING, CONTINUES IN BG) GEORGE: Oh, you act just like your mother when you do that. Now, hold still, Junior, hold still. JUNIOR: (WAILING, CONTINUES IN BG) GEORGE: Oh, did Dad-ums stick little ootsy-pootsy-wootsy with a bad little safety pin? Well, Daddy's very sorry. SOUND: KNOCK AT DOOR GEORGE: (CALLS) Just a minute, just a minute! (TO JUNIOR) I'll bet that's your sweet little mommy. Uh, now, you lie still while Daddy opens the door for Mommy. JUNIOR: (STOPS CRYING) SOUND: KNOCK AT DOOR GEORGE: (CALLS) I'm coming! SOUND: DOOR OPENS GEORGE: (TO JUNIOR) Oh, didn't I tell you that was your sweet little mommy? JUNIOR: (CRIES A LITTLE, THEN STOPS) SOUND: DOOR CLOSES DIANA: (ANNOYED) Say, when I knock at the door, why do you take all year to answer it? GEORGE: Well, maybe you think I haven't anything to do. Maybe you think-- DIANA: (INTERRUPTS) Oh, you make more fuss over the little things you have to do at home than I do slaving at the office all day. GEORGE: Little things! Why, do you know what I did today? I scrubbed the kitchen floor, went marketing, put up the preserves, had an argument with the grocer, and then the plumbing broke and I had to send for the plumber. DIANA: I suppose that ice woman was here, too. GEORGE: Oh, now, don't be sarcastic. I - I washed Junior's clothes and, oh, Junior was so naughty-- DIANA: Well, darling, when I'm making a little more money, we'll hire a nurse for Junior. GEORGE: Nurse?! Nurse, nothing! What that kid needs is a night watchman. DIANA: You know, I hate to say it, George, but I think it's a little your fault, too. You don't know how to bring up a baby. You don't mother him enough. GEORGE: Mother him?! Say, I don't mind scrubbing and cooking and washing dishes for you but I'll be darned if I'm going to run ribbons through my nightshirt to fool the baby! DIANA: Why, why, George Travers! I'm surprised at you! Why, you almost talk about your own son as if you hated him. GEORGE: Hated him? Oh, why, Diana, of course [I don't hate him] -- Why, I love Junior. Oh, everything's gone wrong today and I'm just a little cross, that's all. Hey, Junior-- Why, Junior's the sweetest-- Why, do you know what he did today? DIANA: What? GEORGE: He actually said a word. DIANA: (PLEASED) He did? What did he say? GEORGE: He said, "Oomfa!" DIANA: Umf--? Umfa? GEORGE: No. No, dear. Oomfa! It's a cross between "Mother" and "Father." You know, "Oom" for "Mother" and "Fa" for "Father." DIANA: (WITH CONTEMPT) Oomfa! Oh, you just let your imagination run away with you! GEORGE: Imagination! So you think your baby didn't say "Oomfa"? You probably think he's too stupid to say "Oomfa"! There you are! Taking sides against your own flesh and blood! DIANA: Oh, I didn't say anything of the kind, George. I just said that I thought-- GEORGE: Yes, I know what you said! I have ears! And all that I can say is, you're a fine mother, taking sides against your own baby! Why, you didn't even say hello to Junior when you came in. DIANA: Oh, I'm sorry. (CHEERY, TO JUNIOR) Hello, Junior dear. JUNIOR: Mmmmmm. GEORGE: (TRIUMPHANT) Ha! He said it! He said it! (PROUDLY) My baby! DIANA: Oh, darling, I have a big surprise for you and Junior. I made a big sale today and got a whopping commission. GEORGE: Oh, that's wonderful, darling. I'm going to give you a big kiss for that. (KISS) DIANA: And I - I didn't forget you, George. Guess what I bought you. GEORGE: (DISBELIEF) Oh, Diana. Not a--? DIANA: Yes! An electric washing machine! GEORGE: (OVERJOYED) Oh, you darling! An electric washing machine! Oh, what more could a man ask for? DIANA: Well, there's nothing too good for my little husband. GEORGE: Well, darling, since we're on the subject, I have a little surprise for you, too. DIANA: Oh, you have? What is it? GEORGE: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh, you're like all the other wives. You never notice anything. Don't you see I'm wearing a new suit? How do you like it? DIANA: Well, turn around. Uh uh. I don't like it. The pants are too long. GEORGE: Oh, but, darling, the boys are all wearing long pants this year. DIANA: Well, maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. But I liked it better when the boys wore knickers and showed a little more of their legs. And you have such nice legs, George. GEORGE: Well, as long as you like my legs-- Well, maybe you'll like this. DIANA: What's that? GEORGE: A bathing suit. DIANA: A bathing suit? Why, the bathing season is over. GEORGE: Yes, but it was such a bargain I just couldn't resist it. DIANA: Why, George, it has no top. GEORGE: Of course not. None of the boys are wearing tops this year. DIANA: (STERNLY) Well, you're one boy who's going to wear a top. You think I want all the women on the beach staring at my husband? GEORGE: (PROTESTS) Why, it's the very same kind of a suit that Jim Morris wears! DIANA: That's all right for Jim Morris. He does a lot of things I wouldn't let my husband do. GEORGE: Well, I notice you look at him hard enough when he comes on the beach. And I want to be just as attractive as the other boys. DIANA: Well, anyway, you're not going to wear it! GEORGE: Oh, don't you think just because you're making the money here, you can order me around! DIANA: Either that bathing suit goes back or there's no washing machine! GEORGE: No washing machine? DIANA: No washing machine! GEORGE: (CAVES IN) Oh, well, all right, dear. Er, come on, honey, sit down. I've cooked your favorite dish for you. DIANA: Oh, I'm not hungry. GEORGE: (DISAPPROVING) Oh, so you stopped at the club again and had a bite. DIANA: Oh, by the way, I won't be home for dinner tomorrow night, either. GEORGE: Oh, business again, huh? Well, this time, I'll go to the office with you. DIANA: Oh, no, you won't! You'll keep your nose out of that office! Remember, a man's place is in the home. GEORGE: Oh, I suppose that good-looking stenographer of yours, Henry Maxwell, will be there again! DIANA: Oh, stop henpecking me. There you are, being jealous again! GEORGE: Jealous?! If I ever catch that fellow taking dictation from you while sitting on your lap, I'll break him in two! DIANA: (LAUGHS) Now, don't be silly. My relations with, er, Mr. Maxwell are purely a matter of business. GEORGE: Yes, I know his kind. Monkey business! He doesn't buy the expensive clothes he wears on the salary he's making! ... I - I better not catch you! After I've given you the best years of my life! DIANA: (LAUGHS) Were those your best? GEORGE: Oh, sarcastic again? Well, if anybody has the right to be sarcastic around here, I have! Not you! Some good times you've been having -- Monday night, to a prize fight; Tuesday night, to a Turkish bath; last night, out on business and business again tomorrow night! DIANA: Wait a second, wait a second! I haven't said anything, but you've been having a pretty good time yourself! You've been out to three bridge parties this week! GEORGE: Oh, so you're going to throw that up to me? Well, what do you expect me to do? Sit cooped up in the house all day, waiting for you to come home? A man's entitled to play bridge once in a while as recreation from housekeeping. DIANA: All right, all right. Let's not quarrel, honey. (KISS, THEN SUDDENLY SUSPICIOUS) Say! What's that sticking out of your closet? GEORGE: (NERVOUS) Where? Oh. Oh, that. That's nothing, dear. DIANA: Well, maybe it's nothing to you, but it looks like a woman's skirt to me. GEORGE: Oh, it does, doesn't it? Oh, but it isn't, Diana, really. DIANA: What's her name? GEORGE: What? Who? Who's name? DIANA: The woman you have hidden in that closet! A traveling saleswoman, I'll bet! GEORGE: A woman? Oh, why, darling-- DIANA: Don't you "darling" me! Open that closet! GEORGE: Oh, dear, please, don't-- DIANA: So! While I've been working hard at the office, trying to support you and our baby, some other woman has stolen your love! Open that closet! GEORGE: (OFFENDED) I won't! DIANA: Open that closet or I'll break it down! GEORGE: (CAVES IN) Oh, all right. SOUND: CLOSET DOOR OPENS DIANA: (SURPRISED) Why - why, it's just a dress. GEORGE: (SADLY) Yes. I took that money you thought I lost at bridge and bought a dress for your big Christmas present. (TEARFUL) Now, you've spoiled everything! DIANA: Aw, darling George. GEORGE: Don't - don't touch me! DIANA: Oh, I'm a [thief?]. Will you ever forgive me? GEORGE: Oh, well. What are husbands for, but to forgive? DIANA: There, there, dear. Wipe your eyes. What time is it? GEORGE: Seven-thirty. DIANA: Oh, well, I better be getting back to the office. GEORGE: Oh, back to the office again. Do I have to sit up alone another night, waiting for you to come home? DIANA: Oh, I know it's rather hard on you. I've got it! Here's a dollar. Why don't you call up Fred Lewis and the boys and go to the movies? You can leave the baby with the Smiths. GEORGE: Oh, all right. But I'm getting sick and tired of being a neglected husband. Here, dear. Here's your coat. DIANA: So long, darling. (KISS) SOUND: PHONE RINGS GEORGE: Oh, wait a second. It might be for you. SOUND: RECEIVER UP GEORGE: Hello? ... Hello? Yes? (INCREASINGLY ANGRY) ... Oh. Oh, it is? ... I see! ... Yes. Yes, I'll tell her! ... Goodbye! SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN DIANA: Who was it? GEORGE: (FURIOUS) Who was it?! That was business--! I mean, your stenographer, Henry Maxwell! He said he'd be fifteen minutes late for the theater tonight! DIANA: Oh, let me explain, dear-- GEORGE: Explain?! You've made your last explanation to me! JUNIOR: (STARTS TO CRY, IN BG) GEORGE: Give me my baby! DIANA: George! Where are you going?! GEORGE: Where am I going?! I'm going home to Father! SOUND: DOOR SLAMS SHUT ... APPLAUSE