MUSIC: DRAMATIC FANFARE, UNDER FORMAN: From Hollywood, the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show! MUSIC: THEME UP, THEN UNDER FORMAN: For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat. With Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris! MUSIC: SEGUE INTO "ROSE ROOM" UP, THEN OUT FORMAN: Alice's brother, William, called a little while ago, to tell Phil and Alice that he's coming over with some important news for them. As we look in, he is just arriving. WILLIE: Good morning, everybody! HARRIS: Well, bless my Little Liver Pills, if it isn't Brother Carter! FAYE: Good morning, Willie! What's this important news you have for us? WILLIE: I went down to the Red Cross, and made a donation! HARRIS: YOU donated something? WILLIE: Yes! I gave a pint of my blood! HARRIS: Oh, well, I knew it couldn't have been money. Look, Willie, lemme tell ya somethin'. You can't afford to be givin' any blood. You got barely enough to get by on. You don't look too strong, ya know. WILLIE: I'm plenty strong now! I'll admit, when I was a child, I was sickly. In fact, when I was sixteen, the doctor said I wouldn't live. HARRIS: Well, it was nice o' you not to make a liar out of him. WILLIE: Philip, I DID live! HARRIS: Well, prove it! Blink your eyes a little. Breathe now and then! WILLIE: Philip, don't be facetious. I happen to have an unusual physique. You should see me stripped. I look-- HARRIS: Please, Willie, I just ate. You're the skinniest guy I've ever seen. FAYE: Now, Phil, he's not that skinny. HARRIS: Oh no? If he don't stand in just the right position when he's takin' a shower, he don't get wet. FAYE: Now, don't kid him, Phil. He did a very noble thing, donating to the Blood Bank. HARRIS: (SERIOUSLY) Yeah, yeah, I know. I know he did. Hey, I'm sorry, Willie. Cause I'm really proud o' ya, kid. They need blood now, and everybody should go down and give some. WILLIE: I knew you felt that way about it, Philip, so I pledged a pint of yours. HARRIS: Well, I think it's-- (TAKE) MINE??? Whaddaya mean by givin' my blood away like that? That stuff don't grow on trees, ya know! FAYE: Phil, they NEED your blood. HARRIS: THEY need it? What am I supposed to use, borscht? Borscht? I'm a little anemic right now myself, dear. And if they take my blood away, well, well-- Well, I won't be able to face my barber. FAYE: What's your barber got to do with it? HARRIS: Well, it'll be embarrassing if he cuts me while he's shaving, and nothing comes out. WILLIE: Oh, stop stalling, Philip. You're not anemic. I made an appointment for you at the Red Cross for this afternoon, and you'd better be there. HARRIS: Well, I'd love to help, but-- Hey, uh, tell me, Willie, uh... Does it hurt much? WILLIE: Of course not. There's nothing to it. HARRIS: Well... Well, how's it affect ya after? WILLIE: There's no after-effect. I just had it done, and look at me. HARRIS: That bad, huh? FAYE: Now, Phil, stop being such a sissy. It's perfectly harmless. You know, most of the people who go for the first time, keep coming back every three months. HARRIS: You mean, this can get to be habit-forming? FAYE: It's a good thing for you to make a habit of. HARRIS: Well, I've already got one habit. (PAUSE) I mean, other than that! I have one habit, honey: biting my nails, and I've been doin' it so long, I hate to give it up and break in a new gimmick. It just don't, you know-- WILLIE: Oh, all right, you big jellyfish. Now, look, Philip, I made an appointment for you at four o'clock today, and I expect you to show up! HARRIS: All right, I'll b-- (SWITCH) Did you say, "four o'clock"? Uh-uh. Couldn't possibly make it at four. It's tea-time, you know! Queen Elizabeth would hate me if I missed my tea and trumpets. WILLIE: They give you tea down there. Any other excuses? HARRIS: Uh... Well, I can't think of any offhand, but-- WILLIE: Then you'll go. HARRIS: All right, I'll go! But if anything happens to me, it's gonna be YOUR fault, Willie. And I'm warnin' ya, if I die, I'll never talk to you again, as long as I live! FAYE: Now, Phil, nothing's going to happen to you. And it's your patriotic duty to do it. HARRIS: Yeah, I guess you're right. And it's everybody's duty. Well, I'll not only go, but I'll get everybody I know to go down too. SFX: DOORBELL HARRIS: Hey, wait a minute, I'll get that. SFX: FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR OPENS FRANKIE: Hiya, Curly! HARRIS: Hey! Ol' Francis! Hiya, Frankie! SFX: DOOR CLOSES HARRIS: You're just the guy I wanted to see! I know you can't see me, but I'm lookin' at you. Look, Francis, uh, you'd like to do something for your country, wouldn't you? FRANKIE: Why should I? What did Lower Slobovia ever do for me? HARRIS: I'm not talkin' about your Fatherland. I'm talkin' about the country you were smuggled into: America. FRANKIE: Oh, that's different. Whaddayou want me to do? HARRIS: Well, I've got it all fixed. I've arranged for you to do something very patriotic. FRANKIE: If you had me drafted, I'll punch you right in the nose! HARRIS: Frankie, I wouldn't do that to ANY country. All I want you to do is to come down to the Red Cross with me, because they're calling for donors, and, uh, well, uh, I'm gonna donate a pint, and, uh, I want you to give a pint. FRANKIE: Okay. I'll give bourbon. What are you gonna give? HARRIS: I'm gonna give blood. FRANKIE: Now, why didn't I think o' that? It's cheaper than bourbon; it's easier-- HARRIS: Remley... Now, willya keep quiet a minute, because I'm serious. The Red Cross needs blood donors. And I want you to come down with me today, and give some. FRANKIE: Well... I'd like to, but I... I-- I can't. HARRIS: What'sa matter, kid? Are ya scared? FRANKIE: No. It's not that. HARRIS: Frightened, huh? FRANKIE: No. That's not it either. HARRIS: You're yellow! FRANKIE: That's it. HARRIS: Well, I know how you feel. Confidentially, I'm a little afraid, myself. But look, Remley, we oughtta do it. FRANKIE: Well, if you think so, okay. HARRIS: Certainly. They need good red blood, like ours. FRANKIE: Oh, RED blood! In that case, they couldn't use mine. HARRIS: Your blood ain't red? FRANKIE: No, it's sort of a forest green. HARRIS: Well, don't worry. They'll take it anyway. FRANKIE: But, Curly, it's GREEN. HARRIS: We'll tell 'em it ain't ripe yet! You're gonna go down with me now, and don't argue! FRANKIE: Well... Can't we put it off til some other time? HARRIS: No, we can't! That's your big fault, Remley. You're always procrossinating... Procrassinating... If ya have to do something, do it! That's the trouble with people. HARRIS' SONG: "YOU CAN'T DO WRONG DOIN' RIGHT" HARRIS: Well, Remley, did my song make you feel better? FRANKIE: Not particularly. I'm still worried. HARRIS: Remley, I tell ya, there's nothin' to worry about. Willie said it's very simple. Now, buck up and be a man! Conquer your fear, like I'm doin'! We're goin' through with this thing, and we're gonna-- FAYE: (CALLS, OFF-MIKE) Oh, Phil? HARRIS: (CALLS) Yes? FAYE: (CALLS, OFF-MIKE) It's three o'clock, dear! It's time to go. HARRIS: (VOICE CRACKS IN FEAR) Time to go? Already? (SWITCH) Well, don't just stand there, Remley! Think o' some way we can get outta this! FRANKIE: Believe me, I'm thinkin'! FAYE: Oh, hello, Frankie! FRANKIE: Hi, Alice. FAYE: Are you going to the Blood Bank with Phil? FRANKIE: Uh... Well... I'd like to, but I can't. You wouldn't expect me to give blood on my wedding day. FAYE: Your wedding day? Frankie, whom are you marrying? HARRIS: Me! Come, Francis dear, let's leave for the church! FAYE: I never saw such babies as you two. HARRIS: Oh, but honey, are you sure that they want our blood? FAYE: Of course they do. You're two strong, healthy specimens. Now, it would be different if you were sick. Then they wouldn't take it from you. FRANKIE: They don't take it from you if you're sick, huh? FAYE: No. But you're not sick. FRANKIE: (LOUD COUGHING) FAYE: What's the matter with you? FRANKIE: (MELODRAMATIC) It's my armpits again! Oh, the pain! Ooh, how I suffer! HARRIS: Remley, step aside and let a man in there who knows how to suffer! (MOANS IN PAIN) FRANKIE: Curly! Please! You just sang one song! HARRIS: I'm not singin'; I'm in pain! FAYE: You got sick very suddenly, didn't you, Phil? What's wrong with you? HARRIS: Well, I got, um, um, uh, I got Chicken Pox, and I can prove it! (CLUCKS LOUDLY, THEN QUACKS) Pox, Pox, Pox! FAYE: Oh, brother. Now I've heard everything. FRANKIE: No you haven't. Wait til you hear what I got. (GERMAN ACCENT) Ist das nicht ein schnitzelbaum? Jah, das ist ein schnitzelbaum! Schnitzelbaum, schnitzelbaum, schnitzelbaum! FAYE: And what's that? FRANKIE: German Measles. HARRIS: Oh, for-- FAYE: Now, fellas, you're being ridiculous. It's absolutely painless. I'm going down and give a pint of blood myself. HARRIS: While you're there, give a pint for me. FRANKIE: Throw in a magnum for me, Alice. We're too feeble to go. FAYE: Now, there's nothing wrong with you physically. Your feebleness is all in your minds. Now, come on, let's get down to the Red Cross. MUSIC: BRIEF TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT SFX: FOOTSTEPS, UNDER FAYE: Now, let's see... The Blood Bank is on this block someplace. (SWITCH) Aw, fellas, come on! Stop lagging behind! It's five minutes to four! HARRIS: We're comin', Alice, as fast as our gout-ridden legs'll carry us. FRANKIE: Hey, Curly, we're gettin' awful close. Can't ya think o' something? HARRIS: I'm tryin', I'm tryin'. FAYE: All right, fellas, here we are. Let's go in. SFX: DOOR OPENS HARRIS: Look, Alice, I'm afraid this is gonna hurt, and my little body won't stand it. SFX: DOOR CLOSES FAYE: Aw, Phil. Phil, will you please stop it. Let me explain how simple this is going to be. First, you fill out a form. Then, they give you an examination. After that, they take your blood, give you a drink, and you go home. HARRIS: I don't care if they-- (TAKE) Drink??? (SWITCH) Well, this place is startin' to look up a little bit around here! What'll ya have, Rem? FRANKIE: Let's go to the bar, and see what they got! HARRIS: I don't think it'll be necessary, because here comes a guy in a white coat, right-- (SWITCH) Oh, bartender! Uh, make me an Old Fashioned with soda. DOCTOR: I am not a bartender; I'm a doctor. HARRIS: Okay. Then, make it with rubbin' alcohol! FAYE: Phil, please. (SWITCH) Doctor, I hope you'll forgive my husband. You see, he was told you serve drinks here. DOCTOR: Oh, we do. We pass around tomato juice, orange juice, tea, milk... FRANKIE: Please, Doc, you're makin' me nauseous. FAYE: Now, Doctor, we're here as donors. DOCTOR: Oh, that's very nice of you people. We appreciate your coming down. HARRIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, look, Doc, take it now, and let's get it over with, huh? DOCTOR: Not so fast, Sir. First, you'll have to fill out these donor registration cards. I'll be back for them in a minute. HARRIS: Look, Alice, can't we call the whole thing off? FRANKIE: Yeah, I'm beginnin' to lose my nerve. FAYE: Now, nonsense. Let's fill the cards out. I'll tell you what. While we're doing it, I'll cheer you up. FRANKIE: Curly, is she gonna...? HARRIS: Yes, she is. So, you might as well get out your long-necked Vega, and start to accompany her. FAYE'S SONG: "IF I WERE A BELL" FRANKIE: Curly? HARRIS: Yeah? FRANKIE: I don't understand your wife. HARRIS: You don't un--? Well, why? FRANKIE: Everybody else is sittin' around bleedin', and she's singin'. HARRIS: Well, Remley, you know how women are. They don't know enough to-- DOCTOR: Well, folks, did you fill out your cards? HARRIS: Yeah, yeah, we filled 'em out. (QUICKLY) Here ya are, Doc, glad to have been of service to the Red Cross. Any time you need me again, just call me. So long! If you follow my instructions, you'll be on your feet in no time! DOCTOR: Come back here! This is just the first step. Now, let me see... Yes, your cards are all in order. Now, I'll take a sample of your blood, Mr. Harris. HARRIS: Whaddayou need a sample for? Whattayou gonna do, send a salesman on the road with it? DOCTOR: We need a sample to determine your type. Now, give me your hand. I'll just prick your finger with this needle, and take a drop. HARRIS: (FLUBS) Ah, do it with my first wife, I wanna-- I mean, do it with my wife first! Do it to HER first, Doc! FAYE: All right, Doctor. All right, Doctor, I'll go first. Here's my finger. DOCTOR: Thank you. Just hold it steady. There, it's all over. FAYE: You see, Phil? I didn't even (WOBBLY) feel it. HARRIS: Gee, it's that simple, huh? Hey... Hey, nothin' to it. (HEROIC) Here's ma finger, Doc, shoot the works! Take TWO drops! DOCTOR: All right, hold still. There. HARRIS: (HOWLS IN PAIN) Ow-ooh! Oooh! Oooh! Ooh, those pains-- (SWITCH) Doctor, you pulled a knife on me! DOCTOR: I'd like to, but we need you. Mr. Remley, let me have your finger. FRANKIE: (QUICKLY) Yeah, but Doctor, I don't think I-- DOCTOR: Hold still! There. FRANKIE: (HOWLS IN AGONY) Owwwwwww!!! (CRYING) Oh! Now I know what a woman goes through when she has a baby!!! (SOBS) DOCTOR: Now, now, little mother, take it easy. (SWITCH) I'll be right back as soon as I have this blood typed. (SOTTO) I had to be a doctor. I should have listened to my father, and been a licensed plumber. FAYE: Phil, I never saw such a disgusting display of cowardice. Never. HARRIS: I am not a coward! It's just that us musicians are sensitive souls. FRANKIE: That's right. (SWITCH) Look, Curly, I can't stand any more o' this torture! I'm goin' home! HARRIS: Me too! FAYE: You're not going anyplace, Phil! You came down to give a pint of blood, and you're going to give it! FRANKIE: What's she after, Curly? Your insurance money? HARRIS: Oh, I don't know, but I guess we're gonna have to go through with this, Remley. Ain't no way out now. FRANKIE: If we could only think of-- of-- of-- WOMAN: Would you people care for something to drink? We have tomato juice, orange juice, milk, or tea. HARRIS: No, lady, thanks. Look, we got enough trouble. Willya please-- FRANKIE: Wait a minute, Curly, wait a minute! I got an idea! C'mere... SFX: FOOTSTEPS, UNDER HARRIS: What are ya talkin' about? FRANKIE: (CONPIRATORIAL) C'mere! HARRIS: I don't want no juice from the lady... FRANKIE: (CONSPIRATORIAL) Listen. HARRIS: Whattaya want? FRANKIE: I think I know a way we won't have to give 'em our blood. HARRIS: What're we gonna give 'em? FRANKIE: What does tomato juice look like? HARRIS: Well, it's red, and it looks like bloo-- Yeah! Hey, Remley? FRANKIE: Yeah? HARRIS: The next time that gal goes by, you cop two cups tomato juice-- FRANKIE: Check. Shh, shh, Curly, here she comes. When she passes me, I'll lift two cups off her. WOMAN: (APPROACHING, THEN FADING OFF MIKE) Orange juice? Tomato juice? Hot tea? Milk? FRANKIE: Yep! I got 'em, Curly! HARRIS: Good. Now, keep 'em behind ya, so nobody'll see 'em. FRANKIE: Okay. (WHISPERS) Hey. Reach in back of ya; I'll slip ya one. HARRIS: (REACHING) Got it. DOCTOR: Well, Mr. Harris, I just typed your blood, and it's okay. Now, if you'll follow me into the Donors Room, we'll-- HARRIS: That ain't gonna be necessary, Doc. While I was waitin' for you, I thought I'd save ya a little time, so... I took my own blood out. DOCTOR: You took your own? HARRIS: Yes, Sir! Here ya are, Doc, a whole cupful o' the stuff! Pretty, ain't it? (CHUCKLES) Honest, Doctor, did you ever see blood as rich as that before? DOCTOR: No, I haven't. First time I've seen yellow blood with pits in it. HARRIS: (TAKE) Pits??? Remley, ya heisted orange juice! FRANKIE: What are you kickin' about? I got hot tea with a bag in it! HARRIS: Oh, Remley! DOCTOR: I'm a busy man. So, if you Brownies are through playing, let's get on! FAYE: What type of blood do I have, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, you're Type A, Mrs. Harris. HARRIS: How 'bout me? DOCTOR: You're Type O, Mr. Harris. FRANKIE: What Type's my blood, Doc? DOCTOR: That, we haven't been able to figure out yet. We put it through every test known to medical science, and the results are a little startling. FRANKIE: Whaddayou mean? DOCTOR: Well, your type of blood is found only in prehistoric monsters. Are there any Neanderthal men in your family? HARRIS: No, but he's got an aunt who looks like a dinosaur. FRANKIE: Curly, please. That's no way to talk about my Aunt Brontosaurus. Doctor, what's wrong with my blood? DOCTOR: Well, for one thing, it's not liquid. It has the consistency of well-chewed bubblegum. FRANKIE: No wonder every time I cut myself, there's a loud pop. Well, I guess, in that case, you won't be able to use my blood, will you, Doc? DOCTOR: We'll take it! We'll find SOME use for it. Now, you folks wait right here. I'll send one of my assistants in to take your blood. FAYE: Thank you, Doctor. Now, fellas, you stay right here. I'm going over to get some juice. SFX: FOOTSTEPS, UNDER HARRIS: (CALLS) Won't work. We tried it. FAYE: (TO HERSELF) Oh, how two grown men can act like such-- JULIUS: Hiya, Miss Faye! SFX: FOOTSTEPS OUT FAYE: Oh, hello, Julius! What are you doing here? JULIUS: I help out in my spare time. I pour the juices they pass out. Whattayou doin' here? FAYE: Well, I came down to be a donor. I brought Mr. Harris and Mr. Remley down too. JULIUS: Oh, you brought them to the wrong place. This is where we TAKE it, not GIVE it. Where are they? FAYE: Right over there. They're waiting for the Doctor's assistant to take their blood. JULIUS: Oh, I better go over to welcome 'em. 'Scuse me. SFX: FOOTSTEPS, UNDER JULIUS: (TO HIMSELF) Oh, what an opportunity! (LAUGHS) SFX: FOOTSTEPS OUT HARRIS: Hey, it's ol' Julius! What are you doin' here, kid? JULIUS: Uh... I'm the, uh, Doctor's assistant. HARRIS: You're the assi-- (TAKE) Come on, Remley, let's get outta here! JULIUS: Wait a minute! Whattayou guys here for? HARRIS: We came down to give our blood. JULIUS: I'll be glad to take it! Just follow me to the Vampire Bat Department. (CALLS) Oh, Nurse! Warm up Bats Three and Four! FRANKIE: Cut it out, Julius! We want this done the right way. HARRIS: Yeah. Now should I roll up my sleeve, so you can take it from my arm? JULIUS: Don't bother. Just open your collar. I'll take it from your throat. HARRIS: All right, Julius, don't get wise. Besides, we ain't gonna let you do it. JULIUS: Okay, we got a Self-Service Department. Ya can do it yourself. HARRIS: Well, that sounds a little better. Now, how do we do this? JULIUS: It's simple. Here's a sharp razor and a five-gallon can. Now, get to work! HARRIS: A five-gallon can??? JULIUS: Well, don't stand there, Mack! Fill 'er up! FRANKIE: Will you stop tryin' to scare us, Julius! (SWITCH) Uh, how's this really done? JULIUS: Ya have nothin' to worry about, fellas. It's done very scientifically. I take your blood the same way they get sap from a maple tree. FRANKIE: You mean...? JULIUS: Yeah, I drill a hole in your leg, shove a spigot in, and hang a can on it. FRANKIE: Curly, I don't think I'm gonna like this. Let's get outta here! HARRIS: But, Remley, we gotta do our share. One little spigot. That ain't gonna hurt. FRANKIE: I'm willin' to do my share, but I ain't gonna let this little leech touch me! JULIUS: There's other ways you can help out, Mr. Remley. I can get you a job here as a model. FRANKIE: A model at a Blood Bank? JULIUS: Yeah. You stand next to the donor while we're takin' his blood, and when the guy begins to look like you, we know we've taken too much. FRANKIE: Curly, this kid has got to go! Let's finish him off, right now! HARRIS: All right, Remley, all right. Let's don't rush into it. Let's take our time and think of a nice gruesome way to put him out. Don't be in no hurry. JULIUS: All right, fellas, I was only kiddin'. I don't take the blood; the doctor does. And he's a wonderful doctor! He has a way o' doin' it so ya don't even feel it. HARRIS: Okay, that's better. Now, call the doctor. JULIUS: Okay. (CALLS) Oh, Doctor Dracula! Doctor Dracula, sharpen your fangs! We got a customer! HARRIS: That does it! Grab him! Get a hold of him, Remley! Grab him! SFX: STRUGGLING, UNDER FRANKIE: All right! Roger! I got him! What'll we do to him? HARRIS: Just ad lib around until we get a vital spot, that's all! (AD LIBS) JULIUS: (STRUGGLING) Let go o' me, you gorillas! Leave my head alone! STOP CRUSHING MY SOFT SPOT!!! FAYE: (APPROACHES FROM OFF-MIKE) Phil! Frankie! Stop that!!! Let go of Julius! Phil, get your finger out of his ear! HARRIS: I was only gonna bowl him down the corridor. FAYE: You boys oughtta be ashamed of yourselves, scaring this poor child! JULIUS: Yeah, poor little me. I'll see ya later, Miss Faye. (TO HIMSELF, FADING OFF-MIKE) They're always tryin' to do somethin' to shorten me little life! DOCTOR: All right, folks. We're ready for you now. Just follow me, please. FAYE: Come on, boys. HARRIS: Well, I guess this is it, Remley. FRANKIE: Yeah. Well, if we have to go, let's go out like men. With a smile on our faces. HARRIS: And a song on our lips. FRANKIE: What'll we sing, Curly? HARRIS: How 'bout "The Thing"? I might as well get in one last plug. BOTH: (SINGING) As... we go walking into the room, to give our blood away... MUSIC: ACCOMPANIMENT, UNDER BOTH: ...We see a big fat doctor there... MUSIC: SEGUES INTO "STOUTHEARTED MEN", THEN OUT FAYE: Well, there you are, fellas. It's all over, and there was nothing to it, was there? HARRIS: Nah! It was a cinch! You know, those doctors are pretty clever. You don't feel a thing. How do you feel, Remley? FRANKIE: Great! Just think, Curly, I gave a whole pint o' my blood to help somebody else! I'm quite a guy. HARRIS: I gave a pint too, ya know. And I'm just as proud of it as you are! Hey, Alice... You don't know what it feels like to give part o' you to somebody else. FAYE: I also gave a pint. HARRIS: Yeah, but that's women's blood. That don't count. FRANKIE: And just think, Curly... Today, we gave our blood, and tomorrow, they'll be usin' it to help a coupla soldiers. Or, they might give it to two little kids who need it. HARRIS: Yeah. Hey, Rem? FRANKIE: Huh? HARRIS: (SMILING) I can just see those two little kids, walkin' along with... our blood in 'em. The same blood that flows through our-- (SWITCH) Hey, Remley? FRANKIE: What? HARRIS: D'you think we did the right thing? FRANKIE: Sure! Those kids are young. They'll outgrow it. MUSIC: BIG FINISH, THEN OUT HARRIS: This is Phil again. And, seriously, Red Cross supplies of blood are dangerously low. To donate your blood is completely painless. Some o' the guys in my own band, I'm proud to say, have donated as many as twwelve to sixteen times. So, go to your nearest Red Cross Blood Bank this week. All your life, you'll be proud you did. Goodnight, everybody. FAYE: Goodnight, everybody. ANNCR: Now, enjoy Hedda Hopper. Then, it's Anne Baxter and "Theatre Guild", on NBC! NBC CHIMES