Baby Snooks and Daddy
Easter Suit
Date: Apr 02 1942
CAST:
BABY SNOOKS
DADDY
JOHNNOTE - Transcript of a sketch from the series "Maxwell House Coffee Time."
SOUND: SNOOKS' AND DADDY'S VOICES ON FILTER
SNOOKS: Hello?
JOHN: Hello. Is that you, Snooks?
SNOOKS: Hellooo?
JOHN: Hello. Where's your daddy?
SNOOKS: Hellooo?! ...
JOHN: Hello. Who is this?
SNOOKS: This is the operator. Five cents, please!
JOHN: Snooks -- it is you, isn't it?
SNOOKS: No, this is my father. (SLY, DEEP VOICE) Wanna play poker? ...
JOHN: Snooks, where's your daddy?
SNOOKS: He jumped out of the window and a big eagle grabbed him and--
DADDY: (INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Give me that phone! (GLUM) Hello, John.
JOHN: (SYMPATHETIC) Hello, Daddy.
DADDY: I'll see you soon. I have to rush out and buy a suit as soon as I put Snooks to bed. Goodbye.
JOHN: Goodbye, Daddy.
SOUND: PHONE DISCONNECTS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE)
JOHN: (TO HIMSELF) Well, I'll lay nine to five he never gets out.
MUSIC: FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"
DADDY: Snooks, I don't want you to answer the phone any more.
SNOOKS: Why?
DADDY: Because you say a lot of crazy things and confuse people. Why did you tell John I jumped out of the window?
SNOOKS: I always tell him that. ...
DADDY: You always tell him I jump out the window?
SNOOKS: (YES) Uh-huh.
DADDY: Well, what for?
SNOOKS: (OVERLY COY) I don't know. ...
DADDY: Suppose I do jump out of a window one day and you tell him that. He won't believe you, will he?
SNOOKS: No.
DADDY: Snooks, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?
SNOOKS: (EAGER, EXCITED) No! Tell it to me!
DADDY: (DISMAYED) Oh. Well, I stuck out my neck that time. ... Look, I'll tell it to you tomorrow; I'm in a hurry to get to the clothing store.
SNOOKS: Whyyy?
DADDY: I'm going to be fitted for an Easter suit.
SNOOKS: When is Easter, Daddy?
DADDY: It falls on the fifth this year. You see, Easter Sunday is governed by the date of the paschal full moon. If the paschal full moon falls on a Sunday, then the following Sunday is Easter.
SNOOKS: Is the moon gonna fall?
DADDY: The moon is not going to fall. According to the scientists, there's no danger of the moon falling for the next seventy million years.
SNOOKS: (WORRIED) Will it fall on the people?!
DADDY: I suppose so.
SNOOKS: (EXTRAVAGANT CRYING) ...
DADDY: What are you crying about? It won't happen for at least seventy million years.
SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) Oh. I thought you said seven million. ...
DADDY: Well, now you don't have to worry any more.
SNOOKS: (THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm.
DADDY: Goodnight.
SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?!
DADDY: Yes?
SNOOKS: Why does the moon make it Easter?
DADDY: Well, the paschal full moon is the fourteenth day of the lunar month, reckoned according to an old ecclesiastical computation and not the real or astronomical full moon.
SNOOKS: You know everything, don't you, Daddy?
DADDY: Just about. Any more questions?
SNOOKS: Yeah. Who tells the bunnies when it's Easter? ...
DADDY: They don't have to be told.
SNOOKS: Then how do they know when to lay the eggs?
DADDY: Bunnies don't lay eggs.
SNOOKS: Whyyy?
DADDY: (INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) Now, how do I know?! ...
SNOOKS: Chickens lay eggs.
DADDY: I can't help it.
SNOOKS: Whyyy? ...
DADDY: (IMPATIENT) Snooks, I'll explain it to you in the morning. The tailor's waiting to measure me for my suit.
SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya!
DADDY: (A FIRM "NO") Snooks!
SNOOKS: (LAUGHS WILDLY) I wanna go with ya! ...
DADDY: You can't go with me! Can't I buy a suit of clothes without having you tag along?
SNOOKS: Mommy's goin', ain't she?
DADDY: Not this time she isn't.
SNOOKS: No?
DADDY: I'm going to wear what I like for once in my life. I'm sick of these bell-bottom pants. ...
SNOOKS: Your coat's nice, Daddy.
DADDY: Nice?
SNOOKS: Yeah. I like the way it zips up the back. ... It's a zoot suit with a reet pleat. ... (LAUGHS HAPPILY)
DADDY: You and your Mummy. I'll show you style. Wait'll I come home with my new suit. I'm getting a spring coat, too.
SNOOKS: With springs in it?
DADDY: No, not with springs in it.
SNOOKS: No?
DADDY: A nice conservative model -- with padded shoulders and a flared waistline; just a few pleats on the hem.
SNOOKS: Are you gonna get a feather in your hat again?
DADDY: Oh, don't be sarcastic.
SNOOKS: I'm not being sarcastic.
DADDY: I'm buying this coat at Squire's because they have a bargain sale: a thirty-five-dollar coat marked down to nine seventy-five. ...
SNOOKS: How do you know, Daddy?
DADDY: Because he advertises that way. All his coats are down.
SNOOKS: Are his pants down, too? ...
DADDY: What's the matter with you?
SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya!
DADDY: Now, Snooks, why should you want to go to the tailor's with me?
SNOOKS: I want to get an Easter suit.
DADDY: You'll have a new dress, I promise you. Goodnight.
SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?!
DADDY: (ANNOYED) Oh, what do you want?!
SNOOKS: Who lays the Easter eggs?
DADDY: If I tell you, will you let me go?
SNOOKS: (COY) Maybe. ...
DADDY: All right. (A GENTLE NEGOTIATION) Do you want the rabbit to lay the Easter eggs?
SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) No.
DADDY: Do you want the chicken to lay them?
SNOOKS: Nooo.
DADDY: Well, who do you want to lay the eggs?
SNOOKS: You. ...
DADDY: Okay, I'll lay the Easter eggs. Satisfied?
SNOOKS: No! Lay one now! ...
DADDY: I will not! Oh, Snooks, please let me get out of this house! You want me to look nice, don't you?
SNOOKS: Yes, Daddy.
DADDY: Fine. And I'll buy you a new dress. And when I put on my new suit and coat, we'll be the hit of Easter parade.
SNOOKS: Will you buy me a rabbit, too, Daddy?
DADDY: (EXHALES) All right, I'll buy you a rabbit.
SNOOKS: A white rabbit?
DADDY: Yes, a white rabbit.
SNOOKS: (LOW) I don't like a white rabbit. ...
DADDY: What kind do you want?
SNOOKS: (WILDLY) I want a blue rabbit with a purple head and a green tail! (LAUGHS) ...
DADDY: You're insane.
SNOOKS: Yeah.
DADDY: Either you take a white rabbit or you get nothing.
SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) I'll take it, Daddy.
DADDY: And remember: you'll have to care for it yourself. No rough handling. You'll treat it just like a baby.
SNOOKS: Like a baby?
DADDY: Yes. You'll handle the rabbit exactly the way Mother handles Robespierre.
SNOOKS: Will I have to change--?
DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes! ... You'll have to change his water every day.
SNOOKS: I wasn't going to say--!
DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY, UPSET) I don't care what you were going to say! ... I'm not gonna waste another second here! Goodnight!
SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Goodnight, Daddy. (BEAT, CALLS) Daddy?!
DADDY: (EXPLODES HYSTERICALLY) Oh, what is it now?! ...
SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Ehhhhh, you ain't really gonna buy me a rabbit, are ya?
DADDY: (CALMLY) Well, I'll think about it.
SNOOKS: When?
DADDY: Tonight -- if you get right into bed, turn out the lights, say your prayers, and ask the angels to make you a good girl, maybe I'll bring a rabbit home with me.
SNOOKS: All right, Daddy.
DADDY: Good. Hurry now.
SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES AS SHE CLIMBS INTO BED)
DADDY: Under the covers.
SNOOKS: Yeah.
DADDY: There.
SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES)
DADDY: Out with the light. Now say your prayers.
SNOOKS: (LOW, RAPID, INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLING)
DADDY: What are you mumbling?
SNOOKS: That's my prayer.
DADDY: I can't understand a word you're saying.
SNOOKS: I ain't talkin' to you, Daddy. ... I'm talkin' to the angels.
DADDY: Well, they can't understand you either. Speak up.
SNOOKS: All right. (PRAYS) Dear angels, please make my daddy a good boy, so he'll bring me home a rabbit tonight. Signing off. ...
DADDY: Snooks, that's no way to talk to the angels.
SNOOKS: They like it, Daddy.
DADDY: How do you know?
SNOOKS: I'll show you. (CALLS) You like it, don't you, angels?! (LOW AND DIRTY) That's okay with us, Snooks; you'll get your rabbit. ...
DADDY: (GIVES UP) Ohhhh, good night.
SNOOKS: (LAUGHS) Goodnight, Daddy.
MUSIC: CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"
SOUND: APPLAUSE