CAST:
ANNOUNCER
VIC
RUSH
SADE
NOTE: This episode is also known as "Stembottom's Invitation to Drive 35 Miles to a Double Feature"
ANNOUNCER: And now get ready to smile again with radio's home folks, Crisco's VIC AND SADE, brought to you by Procter & Gamble. Now, perhaps you're not superstitious about good luck on baking days. Perhaps you don't tiptoe around the kitchen, keep your fingers crossed when you have a cake in the oven. But tell me now -- honestly -- do you feel confident that your cake will turn out better than just good? That it'll be a really top-notch cake? Now, if your cakes aren't really all they should be -- if they're not high, light, and tender, with a wonderful eating quality -- you're missing an awful lot by not using new Sure-Mix Crisco. You see, Sure-Mix Crisco is the result of the greatest shortening discovery in twenty-nine years, and it brings you three marvelous new cake-making advantages. Why, new Sure-Mix Crisco is actually different from any shortening you can buy. Just put new Sure-Mix Crisco in your mixing bowl and watch what happens. New Sure-Mix Crisco just seems to reach out and take hold of all the other ingredients and to draw them together in the smoothest, most perfect cake batter you ever made with any other household shortening we know of. And since good cake depends on good batter, our baking tests show that this new type of Crisco cake batter will give you higher, lighter, and tenderer cakes. And, lady, when the real test of the pudding comes -- when you serve that cake to your family -- they'll tell you that it has a grander eating quality than any cake you ever made. Now, wouldn't you be happy to hear your family and friends rave about your cakes? Wouldn't you like to have them say, "Why, this is the best cake I ever ate?" Well, just change to new Sure-Mix Crisco today, and when your cakes turn out higher, lighter, and tenderer -- and better eating than any cakes even you ever made before -- you'll get all the fine compliments you want. Now, new Sure-Mix Crisco is packed in the same familiar Crisco can, with the same familiar Crisco label. So just ask for Crisco as usual. You'll find out that the new Sure-Mix Crisco inside is different from any other shortening at your store. MUSIC: THEME ANNOUNCER: Well, sir, the murkiness of eventide has descended upon peaceful Virginia Avenue as our scene opens now, and as we approach the small house halfway up in the next block, we see Mr. Victor Gook and his son Mr. Rush Gook ascending the front porch steps. And the one is saying to the other-- VIC: Your mother in the house? RUSH: Livin' room. VIC: You were cruel to drag me away from my game of indoor horseshoes. RUSH: Mom told me to trot over to Kneesuffers' basement an' bring you home. I had to obey orders. VIC: Open the screen door then. SOUND: SCREEN DOOR OPENS RUSH: Were you winnin' when I dragged you away? VIC: Had Ike lookin' like thirty cents. SADE: (off a little) Hidey-hi. VIC: Hodey-ho. SOUND: SCREEN DOOR CLOSES VIC: What's the idea sendin' disreputable characters to drag me away from my pleasure? RUSH: I left it for you, Mom. VIC: I bet some beautiful woman, heavily veiled and greatly agitated, is hidin' under the davenport. I bet-- SADE: Ruthie just telephoned. VIC: She object to me pitchin' indoor horseshoes over in Ike Kneesuffers'-- SADE: Invited us to go for a spin in the car. VIC: (disconsolate) Awwww. SADE: Such a lovely evenin' and all, they thought we'd enjoy-- VIC: You accept? SADE: I felt like I had to. Ruthie knew we didn't have any other engagements. VIC: I'd rather take a lickin' than bump around in that roller skate of Fred's. SADE: Well, I didn't know what to say. VIC: (a suggestion) "Victor's tired." SADE: Oh, that's no excuse. VIC: Well, you could have said that-- SADE: I've already accepted the invitation an' they'll be around honkin' the horn out in front pretty soon. VIC: (unhappy) Shucks. SADE: I laid your hat and topcoat over the hallway bannister. Soon as they pull up to the curb and toot, we'll run right out. May not be for quite a little while yet. Fred hasta pump up three of the tires. VIC: That's cheerful. A tiny fear gnaws at my heart I'll be pumpin' up tires later on. When we're out on the hard road. SADE: (undisturbed) Oh, maybe not. VIC: I wanted to go to bed early tonight. RUSH: I am goin' to bed early. VIC: You're not joining us? RUSH: (negative) Uh-uh. SADE: Makes it a little too late for boys. He's gotta be wide awake for school tomorrow. RUSH: (amused) Heh. Tomorrow's Saturday. SADE: Makes it a little too late anyway. RUSH: Oh, I don't care. I'd just as leave go to bed. VIC: What's this "too late" business? Ain't gonna take all night to drive to Chenoa an' back. Even if Fred does drag along like a snail. SADE: We're not goin' to Chenoa. Goin' to Hopewood. VIC: (surprised) What's the big new glorious idea? I thought Fred never went anywhere but Chenoa. SADE: (hesitant) We're invited to the ... picture show. VIC: In Hopewood? SADE: Yeah. VIC: (exasperated) Sade, you know I hate--! SADE: (quickly) Listen now an' don't get hot under the collar. It was Fred's notion and he's so pleased and proud about it he's dancin' a jig. VIC: Well, I'll dance a jig if-- SADE: Ruthie called up and said, "What you people doin'?" I thought she was gonna suggest Five Hundred, so I said we were just sittin' here with our teeth in our mouth. An' she says, "This great big crazy spendthrift Fred Stembottom here at my elbow wants to pile you sports in the automobile and drive up to Hopewood and take in the motion pictures." Well ... what could I answer back to that? VIC: "Victor's tired." SADE: (dismissive) Oh, "Victor's tired." (resumes) I said, "Why, Ruthie, how wonderful!" That's all in the wide world I could say. VIC: Bumpety-bumpety-bump. All the way to Hopewood. SADE: I know, but ... that's the way it is. An' we hafta make out to Fred like we're delighted 'til who laid the chunk. He thinks it's the cutest idea since the bullet that choked Billy Patterson. (quotes Fred's probable thought) "Vic and Sade are most likely dyin' to take in a movie show, an' the Bijou is closed for repairs. By George, Ruthie, let's run 'em up to Hopewood and give 'em a treat." VIC: (mild groan) SADE: So don't you behave grumpy and sour. Act like you're grateful as a horse. VIC: Wish I could go to bed. RUSH: (amused) Heh. I am goin' to bed. VIC: Thunder, kiddo, it's thirty-five miles to Hopewood. The way Fred nurses that garbage wagon along the road, it'll take us an hour an' a half to get there. SADE: (shrugs helplessly) Ummm. VIC: An' it's eight o'clock now. Great guns, we will be out late. Say we get started at eight-thirty. All right, add an hour and a half to eight-thirty and ya got ten o'clock. Movie show takes about two hours. Twelve o'clock. Another hour an' a half to get home and it makes it one-thirty. We won't be to bed 'til two! RUSH: (briefly, helpfully) Double feature. VIC: (ignores Rush) Think of it! Two o'clock! An' I wanted to be in the hay by eleven. SADE: Oh, well, missin' one evenin's sleep won't kill ya. RUSH: They got a double feature on at the Hopewood theater, Gov. VIC: No! RUSH: (with a chuckle) Yeah. VIC: Have they, Sade? SADE: Well, that's what Ruthie told me. VIC: Will we have to sit through both pictures? SADE: I'm afraid so. When Fred puts out his good money and buys tickets for a thing, he stays till the last dog dies. VIC: (appalled) But Holy Smoke! SADE: Well, we're in for it and can't get loose, so ... let's make the best of it. VIC: But look. Another movin' picture makes another two hours tacked on to-- What time did I say we'd--? RUSH: (helpfully) One-thirty. VIC: Yeah! One-thirty! Two hours tacked on to one-thirty-- VIC & RUSH: Three-thirty! RUSH: (chuckles) VIC: (dismal groan) SADE: I don't think-- VIC: We'll get to bed around four. SADE: (amused skepticism) Ah ha, that's crazy! VIC: It's not crazy. SADE: It is too crazy! Right now the clock says quarter till eight. Fred and Ruthie'll drive up in the next few minutes, an' we'll be on our way by eight. An' it don't take any hour an' a half to drive to Hopewood. VIC: The way Fred drives? SADE: We certainly can get to a place thirty-five miles away in an hour, no matter how slow he drives. RUSH: I disagree. VIC: So d' I. SADE: (concedes) Oh, say a little over an hour. All right. We'll be in the theater a little bit past nine o'clock. The two movies together don't last more'n three hours. Why, I bet we'll be home in bed by midnight. VIC & RUSH: Oh, go on! You didn't figure in the time it'll take us to get back-- SADE: (amused) There's no use in a lot of fuss an' feathers! I told 'em we'd go, and we're goin'. Let's make the best of it an' try to enjoy ourselves. VIC: (unhappily) Ohhh, my, my. Just a few minutes ago I was a gay, lighthearted man. RUSH: (mischievously) Tell him the picture, Mom. SADE: (sharply) I don't see as you're concerned in this, Rush. You're not goin'. Trot along and read your book. VIC: What is the picture, Sadie? SADE: (blankly) Picture? VIC: What are they showin' at the playhouse in Hopewood? SADE: (timidly) I'm afraid it's one you've already seen. VIC: (beat) Yes? SADE: We saw it last month or sometime at the Bijou. VIC: You propose to drag me to--? SADE: Well, Ruthie and Fred were so delighted with their idea, Vic. Just happy as larks they were givin' us a treat. I didn't have the heart to dampen their enthusiasm. Shoulda heard Ruthie over the phone. (mimics Ruthie) "This great big crazy spendthrift of a Fred Stembottom here at my elbow wants to pile you sports in the automobile an' drive up to Hopewood an' take in the motion pictures!" I had to act overjoyed. VIC: (coldly) Reveal the name of the motion picture. SADE: What is it, Rush? RUSH: "You Are My Own Wonderful Husband, Subaltern Gleek." VIC: (dismayed) No. SADE: Well, I told ya you'd already seen it. VIC: I seen it an' I hated it. It was rotten. SADE: Well, I never cared much for it myself, but Fred and Ruthie-- VIC: So I hafta bump an' lurch thirty-five miles in that broken-down rattletrap of Stembottom's and go up in the sticks in Hopewood, Illinois, an' watch that halfwit Gloria Golden go through the same halfwit antics I saw her go through before. So I have-- SADE: Now, Vic, please. VIC: I'll say "Now Vic please." SADE: You'll get all flushed in the face. VIC: It's a wonder I don't turn purple. SADE: Get all flushed in the face an' they'll think something's wrong. VIC: An' they'll be perfectly right. SADE: Any second the horn'll honk out in front. You don't wanna look upset an' peculiar to where everybody feels uncomfortable. VIC: Heh. SADE: (forced gaiety) Think of the funny side of it. (giggles) VIC: (chuckles) Maybe that is a good stunt. SADE: Sure. VIC: (chuckles) Shucks. RUSH: (innocently) Quite a coincidence. Gloria Golden's also in the other picture. SADE: (sharply) Rush, go upstairs an' read your book. This business don't in any way concern you-- VIC: What is the other picture? SADE: (blankly) Other picture? VIC: I understand we were attendin' a double feature. Double features, unless I'm misinformed, means two pictures. One of them is Gloria Golden in "You Are My Own Wonderful Husband, Subaltern Gleek." What's the other? SADE: (timidly) I guess Gloria Golden's in it. VIC: (gently and politely) Something I've seen before? SADE: I ... I believe you did see it when they had it at the Bijou. VIC: (gently) And the title? SADE: Oh, I forget. VIC: Rush .... the title? RUSH: (timidly) Mom'd prefer I never said nothin'. VIC: She'll forgive ya this time. RUSH: (unconvinced) Um. VIC: (gently) The title, please. RUSH: "Yours Is A Magnificent Love, Petty-Officer Griswold." VIC: (low moan of anguish) SADE: Let's go out on the porch, Vic. They'll be along any second and we might as well be ready to hop in the machine-- VIC: (in pain) "Yours Is A Magnificent Love, Petty-Officer Griswold." Absolutely the rottenest movie that ever was given out to a sufferin' people. The rottenest, rottenest, rottenest--! SADE: Let's go out on the porch. VIC: (coming out of a fog) What? SADE: Let's put on our wraps an' go stand on the porch so we'll be all set to trot out to the curbin' as soon as the machine-- VIC: (piteously) Sadie, you couldn't make me go through this. You wouldn't have the heart to make-- SADE: We're stuck an' that's all there is about it. VIC: (moan of anguish) SADE: (briefly) We're stuck an' that's all there is about it. VIC: (piteously) I'm a miserable, wretched-- SOUND: AUTO HORN BLEATS FROM OUTSIDE RUSH: There they are. VIC: ...abused, grief-stricken-- SADE: Fred an' Ruthie's out in front honkin'. Now come on. VIC: (low moan) SADE: Come on, Vic. SOUND: AUTO HORN AGAIN ... BLEATS LONGER AND MORE PITEOUSLY VIC: (low moan) SADE: (briefly) Straighten up an' get that look off your face. And don't you dare in any way let on to Fred and Ruthie. VIC: (low moan) SADE: C'mon. SOUND: AUTO HORN AGAIN, BRIEFLY RUSH: (cheerful) Goodbye, Mom. SADE: (briefly) 'Bye. RUSH: (cheerfuller) 'Bye, Gov. VIC: (low moan) RUSH: (cheerfullest) Have a dandy time! MUSIC: CLOSING ANNOUNCER: Which concludes another brief interlude at the small house half-way up in the next block. And there we leave Crisco's VIC AND SADE until Monday. Now, for several weeks I've been telling you about new Sure-Mix Crisco. But have you actually used it yet? Why, you've no idea what a lot of good eating you're missing every day you put off using Sure-Mix Crisco. Now, Sure-Mix isn't just a new name for Crisco. It's a description of the vital change in Crisco, and because Crisco is changed, because it's different from any other shortening you can buy, we can definitely promise you higher, lighter, and tenderer cakes than you ever made before with any other household shortening we know of. And these claims are based on hundreds of actual tests made in Crisco kitchens. So change to new Sure-Mix Crisco! And say, there's an extra-good reason for you to get new Crisco today. Crisco's big slogan contest is in full swing right now and top prize is five thousand dollars cash. And there are one hundred additional prizes, each fifty dollars cash. So be sure to tune in Monday for complete details. You - may be a winner. This is Ralph Edwards speaking.